All or Nothing
By Sailor Aurora Helios
I know when he's been on your mind,
That distant look is in your eyes.
The apartment was silent when Wufei walked in. Oddly quiet. Double-checking the time he knew it was way to quiet when it was only six in the evening. Walking further inside Wufei glanced around the small apartment. 'Our apartment.' It wasn't much, but it's the best the two pilots could afford after the war. You'd think they'd have been living in some glorious place with all kinds of money and stuff because they were considered heroes, not true. Partly because the other boy Wufei was living with didn't want any of what he considered charity. The boy decided he wanted to live a normal life and make a living like normal people. '"Normal people" which was something neither of us would ever be, but we could at least try, ne?' …Of course his ideas of charity didn't include the money stolen from OZ accounts right after the war ended. Though, they didn't steal as much as they thought, only enough to pay for tuition into college, which is why both of the ex-pilots working part-time jobs to try and pay for their apartment and food, while trying to make it through college. 'I hate how we don't have as much time for each other as we'd like but, we're surviving at least.'
'Now, to figure out just why exactly it's so quiet. Maybe he'asleep; he'd taken off work because he said he wasn't feeling well. Maybe something had happened.' Wufei frowned quickly setting his things down and making his way to their bedroom.
"Duo?" He called out, pausing in the doorway as he peeked in, sighing with relief. The braided teen was sitting by the small window, arms folded on the window sill, and his chin resting on his arms. Duo's headphones were on as he seemingly stared into space. Wufei caught the look and froze, sighing softly. He knew what that look on Duo's face had meant, that distant, dreamy look in his eyes. It all made sense now. This explained why Duo was being a little quieter than normal, why he suddenly "wasn't feeling well".
'He's been thinking of a certain Perfect Soldier again…'
I thought with time you'd realize it's over, over.
It's not the way I choose to live,
And something some where's got to give,
As sharing this relationship gets older, older.
'Duo, it's over between you and him, why don't you let him go? Why can't you see it?' Wufei sighed sadly leaning against the doorway to stare at Duo for a moment. 'I don't know… if I want to keep living like this. I hate sharing you like this, and sometimes I wonder if we should even be together, Duo. I love you, and I want you to be happy… but sometimes, it really seems like you're still in love with Heero. And if you are… then what am I? Do you not love me? Are you just trying to replace Heero with me?' Wufei's hands curled into fists at the thought, a low growl managing to escape as he dropped his gaze.
'No. You don't lie, and you say you love me. So, I'll believe you, if only because I don't want to not believe you.'
You know I'd fight for you,
But how can I fight someone who isn't even there?
I've had the rest of you, now I want the best of you.
I don't care if that's not fair.
'Duo, I'd do anything to keep you with me. You know that, too. Hell, you know I'd even fight for you if I had to, but I can't fight Heero. He's not even here, love, he's far away and with Trowa now. I know you and Heero had something, but we went our separate ways. You remember, don't you, Duo? Heero had ended things between you two, it wasn't working. That was just before we ended up in that cell on the Lunar Base. You were so upset, but of course tried not to show it. It was when we alone, and the air was cut off, that you gave up trying to hide it. You were so heartbroken. I told you that you'd find someone new, and this only meant you deserved better than Heero. I remember you thought I was dead at one point, and told me I couldn't leave you at a time like this. You passed out soon after, but you kept on living. You refused to die and I decided that I wouldn't leave you, never again. When you came around again I was holding you in my arms and then you just rested your head on my shoulder and stayed like that…'
Cause I want it all,
Or nothing at all.
There's no where left to fall when you reach the bottom.
It's now or never.
Is it all or are we just friends?
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call,
You leave me here with nothing at all.
Wufei sighed looking away. Duo seemed completely unaware of Wufei's presence and there was a stab of pain in Wufei's heart. 'Are you that lost in your daydreams about him?'
'I don't want to share you like this anymore. I'd rather just be left alone then know you can start thinking about him and not even know I'm here, almost like I'm invisible.' Wufei looked down for a moment. He knew he'd have to confront Duo about this, and it would have to be today, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to lose the American.
There are times it seems to me,
I'm sharing you in memories.
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it.
Wufei sighed again looking back up at Duo. He seemed to be so far away, so distant… like he was fading away. Wufei shook his head slowly. He hated this feeling, like Duo was slipping away from him. If Wufei lost Duo to a bunch of memories, he didn't know what he'd do then. Slowly, Wufei walked forward resting a hand on Duo's shoulder. Amethyst hues blinked twice before looking back to focus on Wufei. A smile spread over Duo's rosy lips as he pulled the headphones off.
"Wufei! Home already, Fei-chan?" Duo smiled leaning up to brush his lips over Wufei's.
And then there's times you look at me,
As though I'm all that you can see.
Those times I don't believe it's right; I know it, know it.
Wufei returned the gentle kiss before wrapping his arms around Duo's shoulders.
"What were you thinking about?" Wufei asked softly, his gaze moving to stare out the window as he waited for an answer.
"Nothing important!" Duo said with a shrug as he kept his gaze on Wufei. A soft sigh escaped Wufei's lips and he closed his eyes for a moment. He'd expected the easy avoidance of an answer. The corners of Duo's lips tugged down into a frown at the pensive look on Wufei's face.
"What's wrong, Fei-fei?" Duo asked, concern working it's way into his voice as he stood, nuzzling his face into Wufei's neck gently. "Bad day?"
"…You were thinking about Heero." Wufei said as he carefully pulled away from Duo. Duo froze staring at Wufei who stepped away, moving closer to the window. "You had that look on your face. It's always the same, Duo. I was standing in the doorway for over five minutes, and you didn't notice me at all."
"I… I, uh, Wufei…" Duo trailed off looking away slightly.
"You still love him." Wufei leaned against the wall next to the window, not daring to face Duo.
Don't make me promises,
Baby, you never did know how to keep them well.
I've had the rest of you, now I want the best of you.
It's time to show and tell.
"No!" Duo walked forward wrapping his arms around Wufei and hugging him tight. "No, I don't. I love you, Wufei. I love you so much. I, just, Christ, I don't know… sometimes I just wonder…"
"You just wonder? Just wonder what, Duo? Wonder what it'd be like if you were still with him?" Wufei again pulled away from Duo walking across to sit on the bed, crossing his arms. Duo blinked before sighing staring at Wufei and sunk back into his chair looking back out the window.
"I'm sorry, but, Fei, I love you… with all my heart, I swear, I promise—"
"You're not good at keeping promises so don't make them." Wufei interrupted glaring slightly before laying down on the bed. Duo bit down on his lip, dropping his gaze for a moment. Silence filled the room for a painstakingly long time it seemed.
Cause I want it all or nothing at all.
There's no where left to fall when you reach the bottom.
It's now or never.
Is it all or are we just friends?
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call,
You leave me here, with nothing…
"How long have we been together, Duo?" Wufei finally said, though quietly. His dark eyes were focused on the ceiling, hands resting behind his head.
"A year and a half." Duo said just as quietly from where he was curled up on the chair. He kept his gaze on the ground, afraid to look up at Wufei… afraid Wufei was considering ending things between them. Wufei let his eyes close for a moment as he said quietly,
"I don't want to share you like this anymore, Duo…" Violet eyes darted up pain slowly creeping into them. Duo was about to say something but he closed his mouth again, staring pleadingly at Wufei.
"I love you, but, I want all of you. I'm letting you make the decision Duo. All or nothing? All or am I just your friend?"
Cause you and I,
Could lose it all if you've got no more room,
No room inside for me your life.
"This has to be done now, before we both get hurt in the end. We'll get hurt and lose everything, even our friendship, if something isn't done now. Tell me, Duo, is there room in your heart to still love me?" Wufei asked opening his eyes and looked towards Duo.
"My heart belongs to you, Wufei…"
Cause I want it all or nothing at all.
There's no where left to fall.
It's now or never.
Is it all or nothing at all?
"Wufei…"
"What?"
"I'm sorry…" Duo looked up at Wufei for a moment, "This isn't fair to you is it? I mean… I… love you." Duo bit his lip looking up at Wufei. Wufei spared Duo a glance before closing his eyes again.
"You don't know. You love me because it's just a fact that you're supposed to love me, you don't actually feel it do you?" Wufei rolled on to his side, facing away from Duo. 'Please… just leave… you're drawing this out and, Duo, it hurts so bad…'
"NO!" Duo hesitated before he crawled onto the bed, letting his arms wrap around Wufei and buried his face in Wufei's back. Wufei could feel the tears starting to soak through his shirt.
"I don't know, I mean, no, Wufei. No. Maybe I still love Heero, but, I love you, and need you and want you and… Wufei, why the hell are you doing this?!"
There's no where left to fall when you reach the bottom.
It's now or never.
Is it all or are we just friends?
"Because it's not going to work if that's how you feel, Duo. I can't share you like this. If you still think about Heero… I'm doing something wrong. I'm not making you happy, and I want you to be." Wufei said quietly. "We hit rock bottom, nothing else we can do, Duo." Duo sniffled softly but slowly and reluctantly pulled away. He sat up his arms wrapping almost protectively around himself. Teary violet eyes glanced towards Wufei again as Duo quietly asked,
"I-I should… pack my… th-things, ne?" When Duo received no answer he stood without a word and pulled out a duffle bag beginning to shove his things carelessly into it.
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call,
You leave me here with nothing at all.
Or nothing at all.
Wufei watched as Duo silently packed his things, the only noise being the American's soft sniffling. He could see the tears still sliding down Duo's cheeks. Wufei wanted to just pull Duo in his arms and say it was okay. He always hated it when something caused his love to cry… but he was the cause this time. It was like that for an hour when Duo finally picked up his things and walked out of the bedroom to the front door, head bowed. Wufei was still before he stood following Duo out and stood at the front door. With a heavy sigh Duo turned around and stared at Wufei.
"I guess, this means, we're breaking up?" Duo said softly, voice choked slightly as his throat had tightened.
"More like… taking a break, time away from each other to figure out how we really feel. Maybe we'll get back together, maybe not." Wufei sighed glancing away from the American, but Duo had pulled Wufei tightly into his arms, pressing their lips together.
There's nowhere left to fall when you reach the bottom.
It's now or never.
Is it all or are we just friends?
"Why the hell are we doing this, 'Fei?" Duo whispered as he turned burying his face in Wufei's neck.
"Because it needs to be done."
"You coulda just said you don't wanna be with me…"
"That would be lying. Duo… just… go." Wufei pulled away. He turned to walk back into the apartment, glancing slightly back at Duo. The braided teen had shouldered his duffle bag and also stole a glance at Wufei.
"Still friends, right?" Duo murmured sadly though he put on a smile none the less. Wufei nodded and held back a sigh at the forced smile on his… friend…
"Right… See ya around, pal…" Duo adjusted the bag slightly as he started walking down the hall. Wufei sighed quietly turning inside and leaned back against the closed door. Dark eyes stared out at the apartment… 'My apartment… not ours…'
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call,
You leave me here with nothing at all.
Wufei walked over to stare out a window, watching Duo climb in his car and drive off with a sigh. 'Alone again… He could have chosen to stay either way. He could have been as stubborn as he is about other things, but he wasn't… What's that supposed to mean? Those tears could have been faked, maybe he never did love me. Guess this is just how it's supposed to be. It would have ended like this anyways. I'm the loner, after all, and I'll always be.'
~*~*~
Wow… I finished this like… forever ago. But I never got around to posting it. Well… here it is.
Reviews are appreciated!
~Kate~