Imaginary
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos – your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for fear of silent night
Of how I long for the deep sleep dreaming The Goddess of Imaginary Light
('Imaginary' by EVANESCENCE off the album 'Fallen'.)
(A/N: - To Remick, this chapter is for you. Everything you have been looking forward to is in this chapter, starting with the song. I hope you enjoy.)
Matt left early the next morning leaving them to talk to Remus alone, just what they wanted but not what Remus wanted; he didn't want to talk about this how could he.
"So Remus, what was with last night?" Sirius asked.
"Nothing it was just a dream." Remus told them as he collected up his things.
"You were howling, it was more then just a dream." James said.
"It was nothing, really." Remus said going for the door but Sirius was blocking his way; he was in his way again blocking him from something he wanted though of course this was different. "We should go down to breakfast."
"Only if you assure us that it was really nothing." James told him.
"It was nothing." Remus told them.
Sirius jumped out of the way and smiled at him. "That's good enough for me."
Sirius opened the door for him and then followed him down the stair's, Nissa was waiting for them; Lily didn't look to happy especially when James went over to keep her company while Nissa talked with Sirius and Remus.
"Morning." Sirius said smiling and kissing her.
She smiled at them both. "Morning. I wanted to speak to Remus really. No offence. I was just worried about last night, I heard you; are you alright?"
"You heard, did anyone else?" Remus asked horrified.
"No, please." Nissa said as she started to walk in-between the two of them. "So are you? I have them sometimes, you know wolf dreams; where your not yourself well you are but your wolf self."
"The wolf isn't apart of me, it never has been and never will be." Remus told her, making her flinch as though his words had hurt her.
"Right, I've well... you know got to go." Nissa told them quickly leaving and grabbing hold of Lily on her way out to her relief.
"I think you hurt her." Sirius told him. "And I thought that was just me."
"She really doesn't mind them, how can that be?" Remus asked as they walked down to the Great Hall.
"You haven't seen her as one; she might not even be one." James said.
"I always imaged her being able to turn into a cat." Sirius said thoughtfully, making them all look at him. "What, it's just how she comes across."
"Really? That must just be with you then." James said smiling at him.
"I don't think we should, you know let her come out with us." Remus told them. "If she is a werewolf, I, well the wolf you know."
"Yeah just remember she's mine." Sirius teased him.
"I know, and she would even choice you when she's a werewolf over me." Remus told him.
Sirius stopped at being told this as Remus carried on walking, and then he quickly ran to catch them up when he got hold of himself.
"What makes you say that?" Sirius asked. "I wasn't sure about her coming out, because I was afraid that she would leave me for you; that was if she is a werewolf."
Remus stopped and looked at him. "She wouldn't leave you, don't you get that. Think about last year and the two of you, you still don't get what it is to be a werewolf. And she is, she's just different."
"That's what she said, that she was different." Sirius said.
"Come on, does it really matter at the moment; I don't think so if Sirius isn't hungry I am." James told them.
They dropped the subject for the moment, but they all knew that it was hanging over them; every day that they became closer to changing that the full moon came closer as well.
Remus was becoming quit distracted every time he was in the same room as Nissa, though no one picked up on that fact only him as well, why was this happening to him; he needed to control himself. He needed to remember that she was going out with Sirius his best mate, who had suck by him through everything; but this seemed so much stronger he could heard the monster inside of him screaming at him to do something. He couldn't, why was this happening to him it wasn't the full moon; they were no where near it.
Remus was sat on the table while Sirius was swing his wand about having no luck what so ever to change himself, only nearly poke Peter's eye out half a dozen times already.
The door opened and they all just froze on the spot, Nissa smiled at them as they relaxed again seeing that it was only her.
"So not going so well." Nissa said. "I'm sure you'll get there."
She walked across the room; Sirius had stopped swinging his wand and was attempting to use the proper motion's though she wasn't getting it right; Nissa stood by Remus watching them for a moment before she pulled out a potion's vial from her bag.
"I thought you might need this more then I do at the moment." Nissa told Remus. "I'm making some more for myself, so you can have this. I know it must be a hard time for you."
"What does that mean, what is that?" Remus asked her a little unsure what she was saying and giving him.
"It's a potion which will help you, it hard enough at this age but even worst being a werewolf." Nissa said.
Both James and Sirius smiled as they came over.
"So is that what the dream was?" James teased him.
"Don't. And anyway its nothing to be embarrassed about." Nissa told him.
"You seem alright." Remus said.
"Yes well, on the surface." Nissa said. "I can only keep her caged for so long, I hate not being able to let her out; but thing's are different here. And you know yourself that my control the past couple of years hasn't been that good."
"What does that mean, the two of you?" Sirius asked a little shocked.
"No." Remus answered a little too quickly.
They all looked at him, wondering.
"Thanks, anyway no nothing hasn't happened. Shame though, but..." Nissa said.
"Shame?" Sirius asked her. "So you do like him?"
Nissa laughed at him while he got more annoyed because he wouldn't answer him and Remus was going quit red, James though wasn't quit sure what to make of all of this.
"Sirius, relax. And Remus that will help, just don't take it near the full moon; because you're not really well trained." Nissa told him.
"Trained for what?" Remus asked her.
"It doesn't matter; just don't take it near the full moon." Nissa told him. "I have the deepest respect for werewolves but I will take you out, not kill you of course; just knock you out if I had to."
"Respect?" They all asked her.
She didn't answer them. "Just remember. And Sirius don't swing to much, just let it come from within you; that's where the magic is not in your wand and in words, but deep inside of yourself."
"What are you a teacher now?" James asked her as she crossed the room.
"We can all teacher another something." Nissa told him before she left them.
"So that was a nice visit, does she even come to see me anymore?" Sirius said smiling at Remus.
Remus looked at him not realising that he was teasing him until James and Peter started laughing because the look on his face.
"I don't understand what happened." Remus said looking at the vial she had given him. "Do you really think this will help? And did she mean by trained?"
"I think the potion will, she wouldn't give you anything that would hurt you." James told him. "Well that potion Sirius had off her, but it did help. So yeah, I trust her."
"So do I, and she has the deepest respect for you mate." Sirius teased him. "Though I do think her statement that she could take you out is a little over the top."
Remus didn't look at them, and this time it was quit obvious; he knew something they didn't and Sirius was only smiling slightly now.
"Do you know something that we don't?" Sirius asked him.
"How could he, he's never seen her on a full moon so that mean's he's never seen her change." James argued for Remus.
"She is strong." Remus told them.
"Yeah, I know from personal experience." Sirius said smiling to himself.
They all looked at him wondering what was going on in that mind of his, and wondering if they really wanted to know; and at the moment they didn't.
"Anyway, werewolves are strong; so I do believe she could." Remus told them.
"I still can't imagine her being a werewolf, well you don't come across as one either." James told him. "But Nissa, its getting harder to believe because of all the times we've seen her during the full moon. I've even had Quidditch practice with her under the full moon."
Sirius laughed he couldn't help himself as he remembered the other year. "Isn't that when she broke Fuller's nose?"
"Yes, see." Remus said. "And that night, she went wild, and how she act's with her mood swing's some times."
"We all have them; take Sirius as your example." James said smiling.
"That isn't nice." Sirius protested.
*** I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story
Remus was tossing and turning, he hadn't taken the potion Nissa had told him to take...He was back in his dream, but this was different.
It was late the sky was dark and there were no stars in the sky only the full moon, he was still himself though for how much longer he didn't know; it was just a battle to stay stood up right and not go down on all fours let alone fight the noises which were surrounding him.
"Remus!" A voice screamed or growled his name.
"Remus, give into me!" The voice screamed at him again.
Remus didn't know what to do but found himself walking backwards trying to get away, but where could he run to?
"Remus!" The voice growled, but this time it was much closer as though it had come from inside of himself.
He fell to the ground on all four panting for breath as a pain burnt through his body, like his skeleton wanted to escape; but he knew that it wasn't his skeleton but the monster that has cursed his life since he was little.
He held his chest as tight as he could not wanting to change, or worst; he felt this was going to be so must worst then just to change into the monster. His whole body was shaking he couldn't control the shaking.
And then from far away as though a whisper on the wind he heard his name being called by his friends. "Remus, Remus."...
Sirius was shaking Remus to wake up but he wasn't, just thrashing around; then suddenly he sat bolt up right making him jump backwards surprised by him being suddenly awake.
Everyone was a wake again, this time though Matt and Peter had stayed in bed; while James and Sirius again tried to wake him.
"Are you alright, was it another bad dream?" James asked.
"You didn't take the potion did you?" Sirius whispered; he looked on his bed stand it was still there so he handed it to Remus. "Go on, it won't do you any harm."
Remus reluctantly took the potion off of him, he looked at it and then opened it and drank some; he wasn't going to drink it all. (This is a good thing; because he's not supposed too drink it all at once.)
"That didn't hurt did it?" Sirius told him as he grabs the vial back and put it on the side table. "We trust her, so you should be alright now."
Remus nodded and they all got back into bed, though they did look at him for a while watching him to make sure that he's alright; after taking the potion though he slept a lot better and stopped having the dreams though he know that they were still there it was just easier.
A couple of days later, Nissa came to see how he was going on but she made a point of talking to Sirius first because he was getting a little jealous; not that he would ever say anything of course.
"Hey Sirius." Nissa said smiling, Sirius smiled back at her and kissed her passionately of way of greeting; which made Remus quit un-comfortable. "Well your welcomes are getting better, I should just say hi."
"You don't even need to say hi, if you don't want." Sirius told her. "So how are all these mystery classes of your getting on?"
"Not bad thanks for asking, and how's the potion for you?" Nissa said.
"Its alright thanks." Remus said walking a little in front to catch up to James and Peter.
"Good, I'm glad to hear that. But I've got to go back in a bit." Nissa told them and then disappeared before either of them could say anything.
They all stopped and looked around but she was no where to be seen, they walked on a little thinking that she could have some how caught up with Lily and Bella; but she wasn't there either.
"Right this is getting weird, she couldn't have just disappeared; she was talking to me and stood right next to me." Sirius told them.
"So Tiania, I hope that you haven't just been practicing changing your appearance." Olin told her.
"Wow, it's even better then the blue and I love the length." Jake told her.
"I'm glad that you like it, I think that reds are more me then blue's." Nissa said smiling.
Sirius turned round at the sound of her voice and started to walk back down the corridor towards her with James at his side and Remus and Peter, Nissa smiled at them all.
"Hey, you looking forward to the new season?" Jake asked James.
"Hey." Nissa said smiling at Sirius.
Sirius looked at her, she stopped smiling at him.
"Did I do something wrong?" Nissa asked him.
"How could you, it isn't like you just spent the lesson together for anything to happen." Jake said.
Nissa looked at them and then smiled somewhat and mumbled something before she quickly walked off leaving them all staring after her.
"We'll see you later." James told him as they quickly went after Nissa before she disappeared again.
Severus and his friends came out of no where blocking their path making sure that they couldn't get through and seemed to take great delight out of the fact that James and Sirius were extremely annoyed that they couldn't get pass. Sirius though snapped and pushed Severus out of the way so hard that he fell on top of Lestrange; making it look well quit, you get the idea.
Everyone was laughing at pointing at them, as Sirius carried on up the corridor.
"Get a room!" A sixth year boy shouted at them.
"Hey wait up!" Sirius shouted after her.
But she didn't slow down, in fact she near enough ran to their next class; and sat with Lily making sure that all their friends were sat around them so that Sirius couldn't talk to her.
"What did you lot do, run up here?" Lily asked them as they came into the classroom quit red and flushed in the face.
"NO, just make sure that she doesn't leave without me talking to her first." Sirius answered her.
Lily looked at Nissa, she wasn't the only one; they never took their eyes off of her all the way through the lesson. Nissa though knew she couldn't really escape after the lesson, but she still tried.
"You're doing it again, running away from me." Sirius whispered to her, knowing that would get her attention.
Nissa turned round and stopped. "I don't run away."
Sirius just smiled at her, knowing that he had got part of what he wanted; she glared at him knowing that he had gotten one over on her.
"We've just got a couple of question's." James told her.
"Like, what's with the disappearing and reappearing somewhere different, and why did Jake think that we weren't in the same lesson?" Sirius asked her.
Nissa shifted on the spot looking around as if looking for an escape rout but couldn't find one, that didn't look as though she was running away from them from him.
"Well?" Sirius prompted.
"I can't say." Nissa told him.
"What that's a stupid answer." Sirius told her. "You could at less come up with something."
"Like what?" Nissa asked.
The four of them looked at each other, what have they expected her to tell them she was up to.
"I don't know something anything." Sirius said.
"Like how your getting to all of your lesson's when some of them are at the same time." James suggested.
Nissa didn't make eye contact with any of them this time, and Sirius noticed; he knew she was keeping something from him but didn't know what.
"Fine, you don't have to tell us now." Sirius told her. "But it would be nice if you could trust us, we trusted you with what we're up to."
"That's a good point, but I already knew about Remus' little secret well before any of you; and it isn't hard to figure out what you would do after finding out." Nissa said pleasantly. "I would have done the same, not that I need too though."
Sirius opened and closed his mouth a couple of times not sure what to say, she smiled at them and then turned to leave; they stared after her and then at each other before they followed her down to the Great Hall.
"I'll find out, if it's the last thing I do." Sirius told them.
"Don't worry your not on your own." James reassured him.
***
About a week later, early in the morning because they had left early to get a bit more practice in James finally did it almost taking Sirius and Remus' arm off when he changed but he had done it.
There was a loud pop, and James was no longer standing there, but in his place was a handsome stag. Sirius and Remus had to jump out of the way or he would have ripped their arms off, they stared at him.
"That's great, look at you." Sirius said.
"I'll never be able to do that." Peter moaned.
"Of course you will." Sirius said. "Now that James has done it, I shouldn't be far behind and then there's just you peter. We'll have it down before the end of the week."
James walked around the room a couple of times too get used to walking on all fours, it was so natural. Sirius was getting quit excited saying that he should be there any time now, and was hard at it because he didn't want to lose out on any time now that James had changed; because they always did everything together why should this be any different.
Sirius had been trying every chance he got, just saying the spell but it wasn't working. They were walking across the grounds to go to Care of Magical Creatures, when he suddenly felt odd, different, as though something was happening to him.
There was a loud pop and he was all on fours and on the ground, barking up at them as a giant bear like dog. He ran around them all barking playfully as they walked.
"Great Sirius, you really live up to your name now." Remus said as he stocked his ears. "But maybe you should change back."
"Hey great dog, who does he belong too?" Liam asked.
Sirius was running around everyone playfully, they all loved him, nothing new there then. Then he saw Lily and Nissa walked over as well, he ran up to them well up to Nissa. Who didn't look as happy to see him as everyone else had, infact she moved quickly out of his path and around to Lily's other side; but he followed her making her keep moving away from him.
"It's a dog, its not going to hurt you." Natalie told her as she stocked him, which he liked the attention.
"I'm not a big dog person, I prefer cats; I'm more of a cat person." Nissa told them as she backed away from him, but he kept following her.
He stood up on his hine legs and reached up to her, this time though she didn't move away from him.
"Come along, Miss Tiania dog's are not a pet that we allow." The Professor told her.
"He isn't mine; I haven't even brought my cats." Nissa told him moving away from the dog again, with James and Remus laughing at her. "It isn't funny."
"Of course it is." James told her.
The dog stayed with them all lesson, Sirius never changed back; and they never told Nissa that it was him. But half way through the lesson, Natalie stepped back onto his paw putting her heel through his foot; he howled in pain and tried to limp away. The teacher told them all to leave him alone.
"We can't just leave him." Nissa said as she watched him limp over to the forest.
"You didn't want to be anywhere near him a minute ago." Ella reminded her.
"It's an animal, and he's hurt." Lily said.
"He's a dog and he's still getting loads of attention off the girls, what does he do put a love potion in all of their drinks every morning." James joked.
When the lesson was finally over, James, Remus and Peter went over to the forest to find him; Nissa quickly ran after them after leaving the others because they wouldn't come anywhere near the forest.
"Wait up!" Nissa shouted as she ran over to them, they all stopped and waited for her.
"You're still coming?" James asked her.
"Yeah course." Nissa answered.
"How can you be afraid of dogs?" Remus asked her.
Nissa smiled at him. "It's my friends fault, when I was little. He could change into a dog, as big as that one. Well him and his friend who was a werewolf well they jumped out at me freighting me half to death, they thought of course that it was dead funny. But after that I've always been a bit iffy around them."
"But you're a werewolf." Remus reminded her, while James and peter laughed at her story which she choice to ignore.
"I wasn't a werewolf then, and he was the first one I ever saw." Nissa told him as they walked under the trees. "He wasn't the last, I've seen hundred's; not that there are hundreds of them about here."
"I wish you would make more sense." James told her, and then she broke away from them and headed in the opposite direction. "Where are you going? You're supposed to stay on the path!"
Nissa didn't answer him, she ducked a large bunch and there he was sat there licking his paw. Nissa sat down beside him; he looked at her and licked her hand as she took hold of his paw in her other.
"What did you smell him?" James asked coming up behind her smiling at Remus.
"No, I heard him." Nissa told him as she looked into the eyes of the dog; and then smiled at him. "Well this form does suit you considering your name; maybe you should change back though Sirius."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute." James said. "How did, what makes you think that's Sirius?"
"Why does everyone know the name thing, and I don't." Peter asked, though no one was paying him any attention.
"I just know." Nissa said.
"I'm just surprised you didn't realise sooner." Remus told her.
Nissa looked up at him and smiled. "I'm a little out of touch, I didn't realise about you straight away; well not until I saw you up close." She turned back to Sirius. "You know I can heal your paw if you change back, or I'll change you myself."
Sirius changed back with a pop and smiled at her. "I didn't fancy the potion."
"I wouldn't have used a potion." Nissa told him and then kissed his hand.
He could feel a small fire on her lips and then on his hand, and then there was no more pain.
"Thanks." Sirius said. "But you do know that you'll have to tell us how you do all this one day."
Nissa smiled at him. "I promise one day."
"I'll be holding you to that." Sirius reassured her.
***
They practiced and practiced until they had it to a fine art, even Peter could change and change back; though they knew that they had Nissa as back up if they couldn't and something went wrong.
It was the night of the full moon, Remus was still unsure; but James and Sirius managed to convince him and he told them finally how to get past the Whopping Willow. Remus left as normal, and then a while later they all left after Nissa had wished them good luck and Sirius had kissed her goodbye.
They walked out over the grounds under the cloak not wanting to be seen by anyone of course, well there was really only two people who might have seen them; Madam Pomfery and Hagrid and they didn't want to explain why they were out in the grounds so late.
James took the cloak off and put it inside his school bag, Peter changed first and went under the tree to stop it from moving then James put the bag next to the trunk so that no one could reach it; then both Sirius and he crawled under and down the hole.
Sirius changed but James' creature was to big for the tunnel, they had decided that Sirius would go first to make sure that it was safe for James to come out and then quickly change. It seemed to take them ages to get through the tunnel.
Peter wouldn't go first so of course Sirius bowded up and out into the house, Remus was stood there waiting for them. He smiled when he saw Sirius; and Sirius ran up to him and ran round him until Remus stopped him and patted him on the head.
"I haven't changed, you can come out." Remus told James.
James came out followed by the rat which was Peter, they smiled and then James changed. Remus had told them earlier that day that they had to change before he did because he didn't want to hurt any of them or worst turn any of them.
They went up to the bedroom where he normally changed, everything was tore there were crawl marks up the wall and the furniture was broken; like a wild animal had destroyed them, which is what had happened.
Remus didn't have long to wait after they arrived upstairs. They all stood back and watched as he started to change, Peter stood well behind the two of them almost out of sight as he watched his friend transform.
His clothes started to disappear and hair started to grow all over his body, his face grew long into a snort with long sharp teeth and eyes that were no longer his but that of an animal. He howled out in pain as his body changed and he grew crawls and came down off his two legs and onto all fours.
Now where Remus had once stood, stood a great werewolf in front of them; he stared at them all and then walked towards them. He smelt them all as he walked among them; he seemed to think that they were alright because he sat down as if waiting for something.
James and Sirius looked at one another and then at Remus, it hadn't been how they had imagined all these years since they had found out. They weren't sure what to do now, they had talked about it; but now that they had changed they weren't so sure, they knew it would get easier in time.
Remus seemed a lot more at peace that night when they were with him, they walked around with him; they didn't want to risk going for a real walk not on there first real night together. But they came back for the next full moon's, and each time Remus as the werewolf seemed to warm up to them; knowing that they were friends and was going to help him.
Sirius and James had wanted to get out of the house on the last night of the full moon, not wanting to be cooped up inside. But Peter had moaned so much during the day that they didn't but promised that next time they would.
"You should have seen him, it was great." Sirius told her as he jumped over the back of the sofa and sat down next to her. "He was magnificent."
"Oh don't you're making me jealous that I didn't get to see him for myself." Nissa told him smiling.
James sat down on the chair and put his feet on the table while Remus and Peter sat on the sofa facing them, Remus was looking a lot better then he normally does.
"He was; you'll see him next time." James said.
"It wasn't that good." Remus said. "And maybe she shouldn't come, you know."
"What me being the female werewolf that he would have seen." Nissa said smiling. "Don't worry about it; I'm sure that I can put you in your place if you try anything. Well that if it is you who try's anything, it might be me. I've done it a couple of times."
"Wait a minute." Sirius said, Nissa turned round and smiled at him and kissed him.
"Don't worry nothing has never happened, not with Remus or my other friend Lupus who trained." Nissa reassured him.
Sirius weren't so sure, but instinctually wrapped his arms round her and pulled her close; as if showing that she was his.
*** Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The Goddess of Imaginary Light
Nissa was quit excited that she would finally get to see Remus tonight, Sirius wasn't so sure about her being so excited was a good thing or not. But he still agreed for her to meet them near the edge of the forest.
Nissa managed to get out of the tower without anyone seeing her and out into the grounds, and she didn't even have an invisibility cloak like they did.
Sirius and James had somehow managed to get Remus out of the house and back up the tunnel and out into the grounds, though it hadn't really been hard as soon as he had figured out that he was leaving the house he was quit willing and excited to finally be leaving his cage.
Peter came up the hole first being the smallest then James came so that he could stop Remus from running away who came up next and then came Sirius. Remus was finally under the star's and the full moon, he howled to the Goddess that made him who he is; and Sirius couldn't help but howl with him. Which Remus liked having someone to howl with; but then he stopped suddenly as he stiffed the air.
He shot off in the direction of the forest, they all ran after him as fast as they could but he was faster well he had the lead; but James was faster but he couldn't seem to catch him.
They could see someone coming into view that was who he had smelt; they all knew who it was. Remus pounced.
Nissa went flying backwards hitting the ground as she was hit hard; she kicked up and rolled so that she was pinning him down. She was almost sat on top of Remus the werewolf; they all stood there not sure how to help her as Remus snapped and crawled at her; wanting her wanting every inch of her.
Remus almost bit her arm, but she had moved it out of the way just in time and got to her feet quickly; as has he and he was advancing on her.
The moon seemed to be just shining down upon her, she was a beckon of light for a moment before she suddenly changed into a werewolf; but not how Remus had changed in front of them but she changed more like they had. But she was a werewolf there was no mistaking that, and a beautiful one at that.
Both Remus' and Sirius' animal instinct had seemed to have taken them over as soon as they saw her, now they were both advancing on her. Remus turned in front of Sirius and growled at him smelling that he was attracted to the same female he was, Sirius stepped back pleasing Remus.
Sirius relaxed but too soon, Remus had pounced again and this time it was for Sirius; but he never reached him. Nissa had knocked him to the ground and then got to her feet and was standing between him and Sirius.
Remus growled at her, but she didn't growl back instead she stood down; something unknown to the others as they watched was spoken to them and the matter was solved to the disappointment of Remus. Nissa turned to Sirius and they licked one another and then kissed on the nose, Sirius was a lot more cheerful after this; but Remus was a little sad that he had lost out but he still stayed close by her.
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos – your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for fear of silent night
Of how I long for the deep sleep dreaming The Goddess of Imaginary Light
('Imaginary' by EVANESCENCE off the album 'Fallen'.)
(A/N: - To Remick, this chapter is for you. Everything you have been looking forward to is in this chapter, starting with the song. I hope you enjoy.)
Matt left early the next morning leaving them to talk to Remus alone, just what they wanted but not what Remus wanted; he didn't want to talk about this how could he.
"So Remus, what was with last night?" Sirius asked.
"Nothing it was just a dream." Remus told them as he collected up his things.
"You were howling, it was more then just a dream." James said.
"It was nothing, really." Remus said going for the door but Sirius was blocking his way; he was in his way again blocking him from something he wanted though of course this was different. "We should go down to breakfast."
"Only if you assure us that it was really nothing." James told him.
"It was nothing." Remus told them.
Sirius jumped out of the way and smiled at him. "That's good enough for me."
Sirius opened the door for him and then followed him down the stair's, Nissa was waiting for them; Lily didn't look to happy especially when James went over to keep her company while Nissa talked with Sirius and Remus.
"Morning." Sirius said smiling and kissing her.
She smiled at them both. "Morning. I wanted to speak to Remus really. No offence. I was just worried about last night, I heard you; are you alright?"
"You heard, did anyone else?" Remus asked horrified.
"No, please." Nissa said as she started to walk in-between the two of them. "So are you? I have them sometimes, you know wolf dreams; where your not yourself well you are but your wolf self."
"The wolf isn't apart of me, it never has been and never will be." Remus told her, making her flinch as though his words had hurt her.
"Right, I've well... you know got to go." Nissa told them quickly leaving and grabbing hold of Lily on her way out to her relief.
"I think you hurt her." Sirius told him. "And I thought that was just me."
"She really doesn't mind them, how can that be?" Remus asked as they walked down to the Great Hall.
"You haven't seen her as one; she might not even be one." James said.
"I always imaged her being able to turn into a cat." Sirius said thoughtfully, making them all look at him. "What, it's just how she comes across."
"Really? That must just be with you then." James said smiling at him.
"I don't think we should, you know let her come out with us." Remus told them. "If she is a werewolf, I, well the wolf you know."
"Yeah just remember she's mine." Sirius teased him.
"I know, and she would even choice you when she's a werewolf over me." Remus told him.
Sirius stopped at being told this as Remus carried on walking, and then he quickly ran to catch them up when he got hold of himself.
"What makes you say that?" Sirius asked. "I wasn't sure about her coming out, because I was afraid that she would leave me for you; that was if she is a werewolf."
Remus stopped and looked at him. "She wouldn't leave you, don't you get that. Think about last year and the two of you, you still don't get what it is to be a werewolf. And she is, she's just different."
"That's what she said, that she was different." Sirius said.
"Come on, does it really matter at the moment; I don't think so if Sirius isn't hungry I am." James told them.
They dropped the subject for the moment, but they all knew that it was hanging over them; every day that they became closer to changing that the full moon came closer as well.
Remus was becoming quit distracted every time he was in the same room as Nissa, though no one picked up on that fact only him as well, why was this happening to him; he needed to control himself. He needed to remember that she was going out with Sirius his best mate, who had suck by him through everything; but this seemed so much stronger he could heard the monster inside of him screaming at him to do something. He couldn't, why was this happening to him it wasn't the full moon; they were no where near it.
Remus was sat on the table while Sirius was swing his wand about having no luck what so ever to change himself, only nearly poke Peter's eye out half a dozen times already.
The door opened and they all just froze on the spot, Nissa smiled at them as they relaxed again seeing that it was only her.
"So not going so well." Nissa said. "I'm sure you'll get there."
She walked across the room; Sirius had stopped swinging his wand and was attempting to use the proper motion's though she wasn't getting it right; Nissa stood by Remus watching them for a moment before she pulled out a potion's vial from her bag.
"I thought you might need this more then I do at the moment." Nissa told Remus. "I'm making some more for myself, so you can have this. I know it must be a hard time for you."
"What does that mean, what is that?" Remus asked her a little unsure what she was saying and giving him.
"It's a potion which will help you, it hard enough at this age but even worst being a werewolf." Nissa said.
Both James and Sirius smiled as they came over.
"So is that what the dream was?" James teased him.
"Don't. And anyway its nothing to be embarrassed about." Nissa told him.
"You seem alright." Remus said.
"Yes well, on the surface." Nissa said. "I can only keep her caged for so long, I hate not being able to let her out; but thing's are different here. And you know yourself that my control the past couple of years hasn't been that good."
"What does that mean, the two of you?" Sirius asked a little shocked.
"No." Remus answered a little too quickly.
They all looked at him, wondering.
"Thanks, anyway no nothing hasn't happened. Shame though, but..." Nissa said.
"Shame?" Sirius asked her. "So you do like him?"
Nissa laughed at him while he got more annoyed because he wouldn't answer him and Remus was going quit red, James though wasn't quit sure what to make of all of this.
"Sirius, relax. And Remus that will help, just don't take it near the full moon; because you're not really well trained." Nissa told him.
"Trained for what?" Remus asked her.
"It doesn't matter; just don't take it near the full moon." Nissa told him. "I have the deepest respect for werewolves but I will take you out, not kill you of course; just knock you out if I had to."
"Respect?" They all asked her.
She didn't answer them. "Just remember. And Sirius don't swing to much, just let it come from within you; that's where the magic is not in your wand and in words, but deep inside of yourself."
"What are you a teacher now?" James asked her as she crossed the room.
"We can all teacher another something." Nissa told him before she left them.
"So that was a nice visit, does she even come to see me anymore?" Sirius said smiling at Remus.
Remus looked at him not realising that he was teasing him until James and Peter started laughing because the look on his face.
"I don't understand what happened." Remus said looking at the vial she had given him. "Do you really think this will help? And did she mean by trained?"
"I think the potion will, she wouldn't give you anything that would hurt you." James told him. "Well that potion Sirius had off her, but it did help. So yeah, I trust her."
"So do I, and she has the deepest respect for you mate." Sirius teased him. "Though I do think her statement that she could take you out is a little over the top."
Remus didn't look at them, and this time it was quit obvious; he knew something they didn't and Sirius was only smiling slightly now.
"Do you know something that we don't?" Sirius asked him.
"How could he, he's never seen her on a full moon so that mean's he's never seen her change." James argued for Remus.
"She is strong." Remus told them.
"Yeah, I know from personal experience." Sirius said smiling to himself.
They all looked at him wondering what was going on in that mind of his, and wondering if they really wanted to know; and at the moment they didn't.
"Anyway, werewolves are strong; so I do believe she could." Remus told them.
"I still can't imagine her being a werewolf, well you don't come across as one either." James told him. "But Nissa, its getting harder to believe because of all the times we've seen her during the full moon. I've even had Quidditch practice with her under the full moon."
Sirius laughed he couldn't help himself as he remembered the other year. "Isn't that when she broke Fuller's nose?"
"Yes, see." Remus said. "And that night, she went wild, and how she act's with her mood swing's some times."
"We all have them; take Sirius as your example." James said smiling.
"That isn't nice." Sirius protested.
*** I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story
Remus was tossing and turning, he hadn't taken the potion Nissa had told him to take...He was back in his dream, but this was different.
It was late the sky was dark and there were no stars in the sky only the full moon, he was still himself though for how much longer he didn't know; it was just a battle to stay stood up right and not go down on all fours let alone fight the noises which were surrounding him.
"Remus!" A voice screamed or growled his name.
"Remus, give into me!" The voice screamed at him again.
Remus didn't know what to do but found himself walking backwards trying to get away, but where could he run to?
"Remus!" The voice growled, but this time it was much closer as though it had come from inside of himself.
He fell to the ground on all four panting for breath as a pain burnt through his body, like his skeleton wanted to escape; but he knew that it wasn't his skeleton but the monster that has cursed his life since he was little.
He held his chest as tight as he could not wanting to change, or worst; he felt this was going to be so must worst then just to change into the monster. His whole body was shaking he couldn't control the shaking.
And then from far away as though a whisper on the wind he heard his name being called by his friends. "Remus, Remus."...
Sirius was shaking Remus to wake up but he wasn't, just thrashing around; then suddenly he sat bolt up right making him jump backwards surprised by him being suddenly awake.
Everyone was a wake again, this time though Matt and Peter had stayed in bed; while James and Sirius again tried to wake him.
"Are you alright, was it another bad dream?" James asked.
"You didn't take the potion did you?" Sirius whispered; he looked on his bed stand it was still there so he handed it to Remus. "Go on, it won't do you any harm."
Remus reluctantly took the potion off of him, he looked at it and then opened it and drank some; he wasn't going to drink it all. (This is a good thing; because he's not supposed too drink it all at once.)
"That didn't hurt did it?" Sirius told him as he grabs the vial back and put it on the side table. "We trust her, so you should be alright now."
Remus nodded and they all got back into bed, though they did look at him for a while watching him to make sure that he's alright; after taking the potion though he slept a lot better and stopped having the dreams though he know that they were still there it was just easier.
A couple of days later, Nissa came to see how he was going on but she made a point of talking to Sirius first because he was getting a little jealous; not that he would ever say anything of course.
"Hey Sirius." Nissa said smiling, Sirius smiled back at her and kissed her passionately of way of greeting; which made Remus quit un-comfortable. "Well your welcomes are getting better, I should just say hi."
"You don't even need to say hi, if you don't want." Sirius told her. "So how are all these mystery classes of your getting on?"
"Not bad thanks for asking, and how's the potion for you?" Nissa said.
"Its alright thanks." Remus said walking a little in front to catch up to James and Peter.
"Good, I'm glad to hear that. But I've got to go back in a bit." Nissa told them and then disappeared before either of them could say anything.
They all stopped and looked around but she was no where to be seen, they walked on a little thinking that she could have some how caught up with Lily and Bella; but she wasn't there either.
"Right this is getting weird, she couldn't have just disappeared; she was talking to me and stood right next to me." Sirius told them.
"So Tiania, I hope that you haven't just been practicing changing your appearance." Olin told her.
"Wow, it's even better then the blue and I love the length." Jake told her.
"I'm glad that you like it, I think that reds are more me then blue's." Nissa said smiling.
Sirius turned round at the sound of her voice and started to walk back down the corridor towards her with James at his side and Remus and Peter, Nissa smiled at them all.
"Hey, you looking forward to the new season?" Jake asked James.
"Hey." Nissa said smiling at Sirius.
Sirius looked at her, she stopped smiling at him.
"Did I do something wrong?" Nissa asked him.
"How could you, it isn't like you just spent the lesson together for anything to happen." Jake said.
Nissa looked at them and then smiled somewhat and mumbled something before she quickly walked off leaving them all staring after her.
"We'll see you later." James told him as they quickly went after Nissa before she disappeared again.
Severus and his friends came out of no where blocking their path making sure that they couldn't get through and seemed to take great delight out of the fact that James and Sirius were extremely annoyed that they couldn't get pass. Sirius though snapped and pushed Severus out of the way so hard that he fell on top of Lestrange; making it look well quit, you get the idea.
Everyone was laughing at pointing at them, as Sirius carried on up the corridor.
"Get a room!" A sixth year boy shouted at them.
"Hey wait up!" Sirius shouted after her.
But she didn't slow down, in fact she near enough ran to their next class; and sat with Lily making sure that all their friends were sat around them so that Sirius couldn't talk to her.
"What did you lot do, run up here?" Lily asked them as they came into the classroom quit red and flushed in the face.
"NO, just make sure that she doesn't leave without me talking to her first." Sirius answered her.
Lily looked at Nissa, she wasn't the only one; they never took their eyes off of her all the way through the lesson. Nissa though knew she couldn't really escape after the lesson, but she still tried.
"You're doing it again, running away from me." Sirius whispered to her, knowing that would get her attention.
Nissa turned round and stopped. "I don't run away."
Sirius just smiled at her, knowing that he had got part of what he wanted; she glared at him knowing that he had gotten one over on her.
"We've just got a couple of question's." James told her.
"Like, what's with the disappearing and reappearing somewhere different, and why did Jake think that we weren't in the same lesson?" Sirius asked her.
Nissa shifted on the spot looking around as if looking for an escape rout but couldn't find one, that didn't look as though she was running away from them from him.
"Well?" Sirius prompted.
"I can't say." Nissa told him.
"What that's a stupid answer." Sirius told her. "You could at less come up with something."
"Like what?" Nissa asked.
The four of them looked at each other, what have they expected her to tell them she was up to.
"I don't know something anything." Sirius said.
"Like how your getting to all of your lesson's when some of them are at the same time." James suggested.
Nissa didn't make eye contact with any of them this time, and Sirius noticed; he knew she was keeping something from him but didn't know what.
"Fine, you don't have to tell us now." Sirius told her. "But it would be nice if you could trust us, we trusted you with what we're up to."
"That's a good point, but I already knew about Remus' little secret well before any of you; and it isn't hard to figure out what you would do after finding out." Nissa said pleasantly. "I would have done the same, not that I need too though."
Sirius opened and closed his mouth a couple of times not sure what to say, she smiled at them and then turned to leave; they stared after her and then at each other before they followed her down to the Great Hall.
"I'll find out, if it's the last thing I do." Sirius told them.
"Don't worry your not on your own." James reassured him.
***
About a week later, early in the morning because they had left early to get a bit more practice in James finally did it almost taking Sirius and Remus' arm off when he changed but he had done it.
There was a loud pop, and James was no longer standing there, but in his place was a handsome stag. Sirius and Remus had to jump out of the way or he would have ripped their arms off, they stared at him.
"That's great, look at you." Sirius said.
"I'll never be able to do that." Peter moaned.
"Of course you will." Sirius said. "Now that James has done it, I shouldn't be far behind and then there's just you peter. We'll have it down before the end of the week."
James walked around the room a couple of times too get used to walking on all fours, it was so natural. Sirius was getting quit excited saying that he should be there any time now, and was hard at it because he didn't want to lose out on any time now that James had changed; because they always did everything together why should this be any different.
Sirius had been trying every chance he got, just saying the spell but it wasn't working. They were walking across the grounds to go to Care of Magical Creatures, when he suddenly felt odd, different, as though something was happening to him.
There was a loud pop and he was all on fours and on the ground, barking up at them as a giant bear like dog. He ran around them all barking playfully as they walked.
"Great Sirius, you really live up to your name now." Remus said as he stocked his ears. "But maybe you should change back."
"Hey great dog, who does he belong too?" Liam asked.
Sirius was running around everyone playfully, they all loved him, nothing new there then. Then he saw Lily and Nissa walked over as well, he ran up to them well up to Nissa. Who didn't look as happy to see him as everyone else had, infact she moved quickly out of his path and around to Lily's other side; but he followed her making her keep moving away from him.
"It's a dog, its not going to hurt you." Natalie told her as she stocked him, which he liked the attention.
"I'm not a big dog person, I prefer cats; I'm more of a cat person." Nissa told them as she backed away from him, but he kept following her.
He stood up on his hine legs and reached up to her, this time though she didn't move away from him.
"Come along, Miss Tiania dog's are not a pet that we allow." The Professor told her.
"He isn't mine; I haven't even brought my cats." Nissa told him moving away from the dog again, with James and Remus laughing at her. "It isn't funny."
"Of course it is." James told her.
The dog stayed with them all lesson, Sirius never changed back; and they never told Nissa that it was him. But half way through the lesson, Natalie stepped back onto his paw putting her heel through his foot; he howled in pain and tried to limp away. The teacher told them all to leave him alone.
"We can't just leave him." Nissa said as she watched him limp over to the forest.
"You didn't want to be anywhere near him a minute ago." Ella reminded her.
"It's an animal, and he's hurt." Lily said.
"He's a dog and he's still getting loads of attention off the girls, what does he do put a love potion in all of their drinks every morning." James joked.
When the lesson was finally over, James, Remus and Peter went over to the forest to find him; Nissa quickly ran after them after leaving the others because they wouldn't come anywhere near the forest.
"Wait up!" Nissa shouted as she ran over to them, they all stopped and waited for her.
"You're still coming?" James asked her.
"Yeah course." Nissa answered.
"How can you be afraid of dogs?" Remus asked her.
Nissa smiled at him. "It's my friends fault, when I was little. He could change into a dog, as big as that one. Well him and his friend who was a werewolf well they jumped out at me freighting me half to death, they thought of course that it was dead funny. But after that I've always been a bit iffy around them."
"But you're a werewolf." Remus reminded her, while James and peter laughed at her story which she choice to ignore.
"I wasn't a werewolf then, and he was the first one I ever saw." Nissa told him as they walked under the trees. "He wasn't the last, I've seen hundred's; not that there are hundreds of them about here."
"I wish you would make more sense." James told her, and then she broke away from them and headed in the opposite direction. "Where are you going? You're supposed to stay on the path!"
Nissa didn't answer him, she ducked a large bunch and there he was sat there licking his paw. Nissa sat down beside him; he looked at her and licked her hand as she took hold of his paw in her other.
"What did you smell him?" James asked coming up behind her smiling at Remus.
"No, I heard him." Nissa told him as she looked into the eyes of the dog; and then smiled at him. "Well this form does suit you considering your name; maybe you should change back though Sirius."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute." James said. "How did, what makes you think that's Sirius?"
"Why does everyone know the name thing, and I don't." Peter asked, though no one was paying him any attention.
"I just know." Nissa said.
"I'm just surprised you didn't realise sooner." Remus told her.
Nissa looked up at him and smiled. "I'm a little out of touch, I didn't realise about you straight away; well not until I saw you up close." She turned back to Sirius. "You know I can heal your paw if you change back, or I'll change you myself."
Sirius changed back with a pop and smiled at her. "I didn't fancy the potion."
"I wouldn't have used a potion." Nissa told him and then kissed his hand.
He could feel a small fire on her lips and then on his hand, and then there was no more pain.
"Thanks." Sirius said. "But you do know that you'll have to tell us how you do all this one day."
Nissa smiled at him. "I promise one day."
"I'll be holding you to that." Sirius reassured her.
***
They practiced and practiced until they had it to a fine art, even Peter could change and change back; though they knew that they had Nissa as back up if they couldn't and something went wrong.
It was the night of the full moon, Remus was still unsure; but James and Sirius managed to convince him and he told them finally how to get past the Whopping Willow. Remus left as normal, and then a while later they all left after Nissa had wished them good luck and Sirius had kissed her goodbye.
They walked out over the grounds under the cloak not wanting to be seen by anyone of course, well there was really only two people who might have seen them; Madam Pomfery and Hagrid and they didn't want to explain why they were out in the grounds so late.
James took the cloak off and put it inside his school bag, Peter changed first and went under the tree to stop it from moving then James put the bag next to the trunk so that no one could reach it; then both Sirius and he crawled under and down the hole.
Sirius changed but James' creature was to big for the tunnel, they had decided that Sirius would go first to make sure that it was safe for James to come out and then quickly change. It seemed to take them ages to get through the tunnel.
Peter wouldn't go first so of course Sirius bowded up and out into the house, Remus was stood there waiting for them. He smiled when he saw Sirius; and Sirius ran up to him and ran round him until Remus stopped him and patted him on the head.
"I haven't changed, you can come out." Remus told James.
James came out followed by the rat which was Peter, they smiled and then James changed. Remus had told them earlier that day that they had to change before he did because he didn't want to hurt any of them or worst turn any of them.
They went up to the bedroom where he normally changed, everything was tore there were crawl marks up the wall and the furniture was broken; like a wild animal had destroyed them, which is what had happened.
Remus didn't have long to wait after they arrived upstairs. They all stood back and watched as he started to change, Peter stood well behind the two of them almost out of sight as he watched his friend transform.
His clothes started to disappear and hair started to grow all over his body, his face grew long into a snort with long sharp teeth and eyes that were no longer his but that of an animal. He howled out in pain as his body changed and he grew crawls and came down off his two legs and onto all fours.
Now where Remus had once stood, stood a great werewolf in front of them; he stared at them all and then walked towards them. He smelt them all as he walked among them; he seemed to think that they were alright because he sat down as if waiting for something.
James and Sirius looked at one another and then at Remus, it hadn't been how they had imagined all these years since they had found out. They weren't sure what to do now, they had talked about it; but now that they had changed they weren't so sure, they knew it would get easier in time.
Remus seemed a lot more at peace that night when they were with him, they walked around with him; they didn't want to risk going for a real walk not on there first real night together. But they came back for the next full moon's, and each time Remus as the werewolf seemed to warm up to them; knowing that they were friends and was going to help him.
Sirius and James had wanted to get out of the house on the last night of the full moon, not wanting to be cooped up inside. But Peter had moaned so much during the day that they didn't but promised that next time they would.
"You should have seen him, it was great." Sirius told her as he jumped over the back of the sofa and sat down next to her. "He was magnificent."
"Oh don't you're making me jealous that I didn't get to see him for myself." Nissa told him smiling.
James sat down on the chair and put his feet on the table while Remus and Peter sat on the sofa facing them, Remus was looking a lot better then he normally does.
"He was; you'll see him next time." James said.
"It wasn't that good." Remus said. "And maybe she shouldn't come, you know."
"What me being the female werewolf that he would have seen." Nissa said smiling. "Don't worry about it; I'm sure that I can put you in your place if you try anything. Well that if it is you who try's anything, it might be me. I've done it a couple of times."
"Wait a minute." Sirius said, Nissa turned round and smiled at him and kissed him.
"Don't worry nothing has never happened, not with Remus or my other friend Lupus who trained." Nissa reassured him.
Sirius weren't so sure, but instinctually wrapped his arms round her and pulled her close; as if showing that she was his.
*** Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The Goddess of Imaginary Light
Nissa was quit excited that she would finally get to see Remus tonight, Sirius wasn't so sure about her being so excited was a good thing or not. But he still agreed for her to meet them near the edge of the forest.
Nissa managed to get out of the tower without anyone seeing her and out into the grounds, and she didn't even have an invisibility cloak like they did.
Sirius and James had somehow managed to get Remus out of the house and back up the tunnel and out into the grounds, though it hadn't really been hard as soon as he had figured out that he was leaving the house he was quit willing and excited to finally be leaving his cage.
Peter came up the hole first being the smallest then James came so that he could stop Remus from running away who came up next and then came Sirius. Remus was finally under the star's and the full moon, he howled to the Goddess that made him who he is; and Sirius couldn't help but howl with him. Which Remus liked having someone to howl with; but then he stopped suddenly as he stiffed the air.
He shot off in the direction of the forest, they all ran after him as fast as they could but he was faster well he had the lead; but James was faster but he couldn't seem to catch him.
They could see someone coming into view that was who he had smelt; they all knew who it was. Remus pounced.
Nissa went flying backwards hitting the ground as she was hit hard; she kicked up and rolled so that she was pinning him down. She was almost sat on top of Remus the werewolf; they all stood there not sure how to help her as Remus snapped and crawled at her; wanting her wanting every inch of her.
Remus almost bit her arm, but she had moved it out of the way just in time and got to her feet quickly; as has he and he was advancing on her.
The moon seemed to be just shining down upon her, she was a beckon of light for a moment before she suddenly changed into a werewolf; but not how Remus had changed in front of them but she changed more like they had. But she was a werewolf there was no mistaking that, and a beautiful one at that.
Both Remus' and Sirius' animal instinct had seemed to have taken them over as soon as they saw her, now they were both advancing on her. Remus turned in front of Sirius and growled at him smelling that he was attracted to the same female he was, Sirius stepped back pleasing Remus.
Sirius relaxed but too soon, Remus had pounced again and this time it was for Sirius; but he never reached him. Nissa had knocked him to the ground and then got to her feet and was standing between him and Sirius.
Remus growled at her, but she didn't growl back instead she stood down; something unknown to the others as they watched was spoken to them and the matter was solved to the disappointment of Remus. Nissa turned to Sirius and they licked one another and then kissed on the nose, Sirius was a lot more cheerful after this; but Remus was a little sad that he had lost out but he still stayed close by her.