The next afternoon, Lexa awoke before Jesse and quietly got out of bed and
into the shower. Hearing the shower start, Jesse woke up, and stretched.
He pulled on his sweats, made his way to the kitchen, and poured some
coffee. Brennan and Shalimar just looked at him.
"Nice of you to join us." Brennan said dryly.
"I over slept." Jesse said with a straight face.
"It's almost two in the afternoon Jesse." Brennan replied.
"What?" Jesse asked, looking innocent.
"I always knew Lexa had some claws on her." Shalimar smirked, nodding at his chest and back.
Startled Jesse looked down, seeing the physical reminder of Lexa's affections on his torso.
"Put a shirt on." Lexa said walking in, not looking at Bren and Shal.
Guffawing, Brennan stood up. "I have to go change the oil in the truck," he said, heading out of the kitchen as quickly as he could. "Want to help Shal?"
Nodding, Shalimar left with him.
"Hey," Jesse said, managing to keep the awkwardness out of his voice for once.
"Hey." Lexa answered calmly, pushing a strand of her hair back behind her ear.
"Lexa..." Jesse said, reaching out and touching her shoulder.
"Jesse, don't." Lexa pulled away and turned her back to him. "We said it was only for one night."
"No, you said it was only for one night- I didn't." Jesse said softly, stroking her arm again.
"You promised Jesse." Lexa said tightly.
"I promised to give you what you needed." Jesse said.
"You did. But now what I need is some space."
"Don't do this Lexa."
"I'm sorry Jesse. I don't want this." Lexa walked away slowly.
Watching her go Jesse threw his mug against the wall. He missed seeing lexa cringe at the sound of the mug shattering and take off running to her room as he watched the coffee drip down the wall.
* * * *
Later, in the lab- Lexa's working at the computer, ignoring Jesse who's working across the hall in the loft- and stealing glances of her every chance he could.
"So..." Shalimar said, walking in.
"Yes?" Lexa said, looking up from the computer and taking off her glasses.
"You going to tell me what happened?" Shal asked, biting into an apple.
"You already know what happened. I'm sure you heard the whole thing. Sorry about that."
"Only a little of it- after your little tantrum, Brennan and I went looking for you. When we couldn't find Jesse when we got back, well- after we figured it out, we watched a movie. With the volume up high. Of course, the flashes of light and ahem, heat... were a little hard to ignore." Taking another bite of her apple, she waited for Lexa to answer.
Lexa dropped her pen, flustered. "You- I- you felt that?"
Shalimar nodded. "All four times. Don't worry, I think Brennan only felt it the first time. For numbers two, three and four we were far enough away that he didn't even wake up."
Lexa blushed. "I've never... that's never happened before." She stole a glance up at Jesse.
"You've never- finished before?" Shal asked, looking up at Jesse with her eyebrow arched.
"No- I mean- yes- I- not like that. I have, but not like that." Lexa said slowly.
"Really? So Jesse is the first?" Shal asked.
"Mmmhm. I better run some tests." Lexa got a syringe and a rubber strap to use as a tourniquet out, as if she were going to draw some blood.
"Lexa- maybe it's nothing wrong with you, but something right with Jesse." Shalimar said, stopping Lexa.
"What are you saying? It's not like that Shalimar. I used him. To use terminology that a feral would understand, I had an itch and I let him scratch it."
"Hey watch your tone. I'm only trying to help you here." Lexa said as she dropped the apple core in the trash.
Shaking her head, Lexa started to pace. "I'm sorry- I didn't mean for it to come out that way." Looking up at Jesse, Lexa rubbed the spot on her neck that he'd kissed only that morning- and accidentally made eye contact with him. After a moment, she turned her back on him, and looked back at Shalimar. "Don't you get it- I'm not wired to have relationships. They're illogical- why make yourself vulnerable like that?"
Shalimar arched her brow, and leaned forward on her stool. "Because you're a woman and you have needs. Needs that Jesse seems particularly equipped and eager to satisfy for you. Don't you get tired of being... self reliant all the time? If you let Jesse in, he won't leave you Lexa. How can you think he'd ever hurt you?"
Sighing Lexa put her glasses back on and started to type. "I don't think that. Look, I'll admit Jesse is a great guy- but it's because he's a great guy that I don't want to have a relationship with him Shalimar. People I let in either hurt me, or worse, get hurt."
"You have to stop blaming yourself for Leo's death Lexa." Shalimar said gently.
"I did everything I could think of- everything. I sold my soul- I put my life on hold- I gave up- you'll never know what I gave up just to try to help him. And look what happened. Not again. I won't let it happen again." Lexa glanced up at Shalimar. "If you care about him Shalimar, then you'd see what a bad idea this is."
Shalimar tilted her head and shrugged. "I never said I thought it was a good idea, but Jesse seems to think so, and that's really all that matters."
"Yeah, well I tried to make him realize it was stupid. Boy wonder can be a little slow sometimes." Lexa did her best not to look up at him, concentrating instead on remaining seated.
Suddenly realization hit Shalimar- "That's why you went for the thief. To put Jesse off."
Lexa frowned- "That wasn't about Jesse. I just mixed in a little pleasure to help take care of business."
"No, I don't think so. I think you were beginning to wonder what it would be like to have Jesse sooth that 'itch,' and you needed a little distraction."
Lexa didn't answer.
"If you don't trust yourself Lexa, at least trust Jesse. You know he doesn't have a mean bone in his body."
Lexa nods, and then turns back to her work.
Sensing that their heart-to-heart is over, Shalimar leaves.
Seeing Shalimar leave the room, Jesse bolts downstairs after her.
"What did she say?" Jesse asked without bothering with any other greeting.
Smiling slyly, Shalimar decided to play dumb. "What do you mean?"
"Cut the crap Shalimar- she talked to you. She won't even be in the same room with me. I need to know what she said about last night."
"She's scared Jesse." Shalimar said, relenting.
"She told you that? In those words?" Jesse's eyebrows knit together and he rubbed his chin in thought.
"No, not in those words- but she's worried about what happens to people she cares about and she said you were too great a guy for her to do that to."
"But I'm not like Leo. It wouldn't be like that at all- I wouldn't be her responsibility."
"That's right, you're not like Leo- which also means you're not like Lexa. They were twins Jesse. It's as if she killed a part of herself when she killed Leo. She said she sold her soul to protect him- and that- that I would never know what she gave up trying to protect Leo. I don't think she has much to give you right now Jesse."
"I don't want to take anything from her- I want to be there for her. I can do that- she knows-"
"What are you doing?" Lexa asked, walking in with her arms crossed defensively.
"Lexa-"Jesse started.
"Shit Jesse, I thought I made it clear where things stood, but if you had any questions you should have come to me with them- not Shalimar. At least I know where her loyalties lie- it didn't take you very long to report back to boy wonder did it?" Lexa spit out.
"Jesse's my friend Lexa. I was only trying to help the two of you work whatever the hell it is between the two of you out." Shalimar replied calmly.
"Leave her out of it Lexa," Jesse warned.
"Just like you did, huh?" Lexa threw up her arms in defeat. "That's it. I knew this was a bad idea." She pivoted 180 degrees and left the room as abruptly as she had entered it. She went into her room, slamming the door behind her.
For the second time in 24 hours, Jesse found himself knocking on Lexa's door. "Lexa let me in. Open the door damn it. Open the door or I'll-"
Lexa swung the door open for him and yanked him inside before closing the door behind him.
Jesse looked around the room and noticed a large bag with clothes thrown in it haphazardly. "You're leaving?" he asked with a quiet desperation?
"What?" Lexa looked up at him, startled.
"Are you leaving?" he asked again, unable to look her in the eye.
"No, why?" For a moment, her voice sounded at first comforting, then cautious.
He pointed to the bag.
"I'm doing laundry Jesse. I don't have a laundry basket."
"Oh." He sat down on her bed. "Look, I'm sorry if you were embarrassed back there, but you shouldn't blame Shalimar, Lex."
She sat down next to him and started to pick at her quilt. "I know."
"I didn't tell her anything about-"
Lexa reached her fingers out and placed two of them on his lips. With her other hand she motioned for him to be silent, then pointed through out the room, and then to her ears.
"Who?" he mouthed.
"Dominion." She mouthed back.
Swallowing, he nodded.
"We shouldn't have done it." Lexa said softly, as she turned away from him and lay back on the bed, pillowing her head with her hands.
"Don't say that." He said- neither harsh nor pleading.
"You know it is true Jesse. I'm not ready for you, and you're not ready for me. We probably will never both be ready for each other. We're so different."
He lay down next to her, propped on his side so he could watch her. "No one's ever ready for what we have Lexa."
She snorted. "It's unholy, really." She glanced over at him.
"Don't say that either."
"It's true. You're like this innocent angel- and I'm... I've killed too many people. I can't go where you want to lead me Jesse. I don't belong there. Not anymore." A single tear rolled down her cheek.
"You're no Carter, Lex."
"I slept with him. For almost two years we were together. There was a time where I thought I might love him Jesse."
"Stop it. I don't want to hear this. You don't have to tell me- you're not the same person anymore Lexa."
"You're right. Back then I had something I cared about so much I was willing to die for to protect. I would have killed anyone if I knew they were hurting Leo. I guess that means I would have killed myself." She laughs a painful forced laugh.
"Lexa please..." Jesse reaches out to comfort her, but she rolls away.
"And even after I began to suspect- and then after I knew what Carter was about, I stayed. I would tell myself it was for Leo. I had already gone so far to protect him, giving Carter my body was nothing. So you see Jesse, I'm not just a murderer, I'm a whore. You don't want to be with a person like me Jesse. You want someone like Emma used to be- someone she'd still be if the world had fewer people like me in it, and more people like you."
"Lexa... stop it. Just stop. You can't blame yourself for leo. You were trying to help him. Everything you did was to help him."
"But I liked it Jesse. Being with Carter made me powerful. Men would do whatever I said. Charles showered me with gifts. The work was exiting. It's sick, but at the time, I liked who I was and what I could do."
"You left, Lexa. You're not that person anymore. You saved Brennan- someone you don't even like, because you knew it was the right thing to do. I've seen you do good Lexa. You're a good person. If I'm the angel you make me out to be, I couldn't... care about you... the way... I do." Jesse said, kissing the face she kept turned away from him.
Lexa was crying in earnest now- huge, body wrenching silent sobs. Jesse wrapped his arms around her and held her close, trying to comfort her. She cried so hard for so long that Jesse began to worry that she was making herself ill. Slowly she calmed down, and fell asleep.
He pulled the covers up over them, and lay there with her, watching her sleep until he fell asleep himself.
* * * * *
"I over slept." Jesse said with a straight face.
"It's almost two in the afternoon Jesse." Brennan replied.
"What?" Jesse asked, looking innocent.
"I always knew Lexa had some claws on her." Shalimar smirked, nodding at his chest and back.
Startled Jesse looked down, seeing the physical reminder of Lexa's affections on his torso.
"Put a shirt on." Lexa said walking in, not looking at Bren and Shal.
Guffawing, Brennan stood up. "I have to go change the oil in the truck," he said, heading out of the kitchen as quickly as he could. "Want to help Shal?"
Nodding, Shalimar left with him.
"Hey," Jesse said, managing to keep the awkwardness out of his voice for once.
"Hey." Lexa answered calmly, pushing a strand of her hair back behind her ear.
"Lexa..." Jesse said, reaching out and touching her shoulder.
"Jesse, don't." Lexa pulled away and turned her back to him. "We said it was only for one night."
"No, you said it was only for one night- I didn't." Jesse said softly, stroking her arm again.
"You promised Jesse." Lexa said tightly.
"I promised to give you what you needed." Jesse said.
"You did. But now what I need is some space."
"Don't do this Lexa."
"I'm sorry Jesse. I don't want this." Lexa walked away slowly.
Watching her go Jesse threw his mug against the wall. He missed seeing lexa cringe at the sound of the mug shattering and take off running to her room as he watched the coffee drip down the wall.
* * * *
Later, in the lab- Lexa's working at the computer, ignoring Jesse who's working across the hall in the loft- and stealing glances of her every chance he could.
"So..." Shalimar said, walking in.
"Yes?" Lexa said, looking up from the computer and taking off her glasses.
"You going to tell me what happened?" Shal asked, biting into an apple.
"You already know what happened. I'm sure you heard the whole thing. Sorry about that."
"Only a little of it- after your little tantrum, Brennan and I went looking for you. When we couldn't find Jesse when we got back, well- after we figured it out, we watched a movie. With the volume up high. Of course, the flashes of light and ahem, heat... were a little hard to ignore." Taking another bite of her apple, she waited for Lexa to answer.
Lexa dropped her pen, flustered. "You- I- you felt that?"
Shalimar nodded. "All four times. Don't worry, I think Brennan only felt it the first time. For numbers two, three and four we were far enough away that he didn't even wake up."
Lexa blushed. "I've never... that's never happened before." She stole a glance up at Jesse.
"You've never- finished before?" Shal asked, looking up at Jesse with her eyebrow arched.
"No- I mean- yes- I- not like that. I have, but not like that." Lexa said slowly.
"Really? So Jesse is the first?" Shal asked.
"Mmmhm. I better run some tests." Lexa got a syringe and a rubber strap to use as a tourniquet out, as if she were going to draw some blood.
"Lexa- maybe it's nothing wrong with you, but something right with Jesse." Shalimar said, stopping Lexa.
"What are you saying? It's not like that Shalimar. I used him. To use terminology that a feral would understand, I had an itch and I let him scratch it."
"Hey watch your tone. I'm only trying to help you here." Lexa said as she dropped the apple core in the trash.
Shaking her head, Lexa started to pace. "I'm sorry- I didn't mean for it to come out that way." Looking up at Jesse, Lexa rubbed the spot on her neck that he'd kissed only that morning- and accidentally made eye contact with him. After a moment, she turned her back on him, and looked back at Shalimar. "Don't you get it- I'm not wired to have relationships. They're illogical- why make yourself vulnerable like that?"
Shalimar arched her brow, and leaned forward on her stool. "Because you're a woman and you have needs. Needs that Jesse seems particularly equipped and eager to satisfy for you. Don't you get tired of being... self reliant all the time? If you let Jesse in, he won't leave you Lexa. How can you think he'd ever hurt you?"
Sighing Lexa put her glasses back on and started to type. "I don't think that. Look, I'll admit Jesse is a great guy- but it's because he's a great guy that I don't want to have a relationship with him Shalimar. People I let in either hurt me, or worse, get hurt."
"You have to stop blaming yourself for Leo's death Lexa." Shalimar said gently.
"I did everything I could think of- everything. I sold my soul- I put my life on hold- I gave up- you'll never know what I gave up just to try to help him. And look what happened. Not again. I won't let it happen again." Lexa glanced up at Shalimar. "If you care about him Shalimar, then you'd see what a bad idea this is."
Shalimar tilted her head and shrugged. "I never said I thought it was a good idea, but Jesse seems to think so, and that's really all that matters."
"Yeah, well I tried to make him realize it was stupid. Boy wonder can be a little slow sometimes." Lexa did her best not to look up at him, concentrating instead on remaining seated.
Suddenly realization hit Shalimar- "That's why you went for the thief. To put Jesse off."
Lexa frowned- "That wasn't about Jesse. I just mixed in a little pleasure to help take care of business."
"No, I don't think so. I think you were beginning to wonder what it would be like to have Jesse sooth that 'itch,' and you needed a little distraction."
Lexa didn't answer.
"If you don't trust yourself Lexa, at least trust Jesse. You know he doesn't have a mean bone in his body."
Lexa nods, and then turns back to her work.
Sensing that their heart-to-heart is over, Shalimar leaves.
Seeing Shalimar leave the room, Jesse bolts downstairs after her.
"What did she say?" Jesse asked without bothering with any other greeting.
Smiling slyly, Shalimar decided to play dumb. "What do you mean?"
"Cut the crap Shalimar- she talked to you. She won't even be in the same room with me. I need to know what she said about last night."
"She's scared Jesse." Shalimar said, relenting.
"She told you that? In those words?" Jesse's eyebrows knit together and he rubbed his chin in thought.
"No, not in those words- but she's worried about what happens to people she cares about and she said you were too great a guy for her to do that to."
"But I'm not like Leo. It wouldn't be like that at all- I wouldn't be her responsibility."
"That's right, you're not like Leo- which also means you're not like Lexa. They were twins Jesse. It's as if she killed a part of herself when she killed Leo. She said she sold her soul to protect him- and that- that I would never know what she gave up trying to protect Leo. I don't think she has much to give you right now Jesse."
"I don't want to take anything from her- I want to be there for her. I can do that- she knows-"
"What are you doing?" Lexa asked, walking in with her arms crossed defensively.
"Lexa-"Jesse started.
"Shit Jesse, I thought I made it clear where things stood, but if you had any questions you should have come to me with them- not Shalimar. At least I know where her loyalties lie- it didn't take you very long to report back to boy wonder did it?" Lexa spit out.
"Jesse's my friend Lexa. I was only trying to help the two of you work whatever the hell it is between the two of you out." Shalimar replied calmly.
"Leave her out of it Lexa," Jesse warned.
"Just like you did, huh?" Lexa threw up her arms in defeat. "That's it. I knew this was a bad idea." She pivoted 180 degrees and left the room as abruptly as she had entered it. She went into her room, slamming the door behind her.
For the second time in 24 hours, Jesse found himself knocking on Lexa's door. "Lexa let me in. Open the door damn it. Open the door or I'll-"
Lexa swung the door open for him and yanked him inside before closing the door behind him.
Jesse looked around the room and noticed a large bag with clothes thrown in it haphazardly. "You're leaving?" he asked with a quiet desperation?
"What?" Lexa looked up at him, startled.
"Are you leaving?" he asked again, unable to look her in the eye.
"No, why?" For a moment, her voice sounded at first comforting, then cautious.
He pointed to the bag.
"I'm doing laundry Jesse. I don't have a laundry basket."
"Oh." He sat down on her bed. "Look, I'm sorry if you were embarrassed back there, but you shouldn't blame Shalimar, Lex."
She sat down next to him and started to pick at her quilt. "I know."
"I didn't tell her anything about-"
Lexa reached her fingers out and placed two of them on his lips. With her other hand she motioned for him to be silent, then pointed through out the room, and then to her ears.
"Who?" he mouthed.
"Dominion." She mouthed back.
Swallowing, he nodded.
"We shouldn't have done it." Lexa said softly, as she turned away from him and lay back on the bed, pillowing her head with her hands.
"Don't say that." He said- neither harsh nor pleading.
"You know it is true Jesse. I'm not ready for you, and you're not ready for me. We probably will never both be ready for each other. We're so different."
He lay down next to her, propped on his side so he could watch her. "No one's ever ready for what we have Lexa."
She snorted. "It's unholy, really." She glanced over at him.
"Don't say that either."
"It's true. You're like this innocent angel- and I'm... I've killed too many people. I can't go where you want to lead me Jesse. I don't belong there. Not anymore." A single tear rolled down her cheek.
"You're no Carter, Lex."
"I slept with him. For almost two years we were together. There was a time where I thought I might love him Jesse."
"Stop it. I don't want to hear this. You don't have to tell me- you're not the same person anymore Lexa."
"You're right. Back then I had something I cared about so much I was willing to die for to protect. I would have killed anyone if I knew they were hurting Leo. I guess that means I would have killed myself." She laughs a painful forced laugh.
"Lexa please..." Jesse reaches out to comfort her, but she rolls away.
"And even after I began to suspect- and then after I knew what Carter was about, I stayed. I would tell myself it was for Leo. I had already gone so far to protect him, giving Carter my body was nothing. So you see Jesse, I'm not just a murderer, I'm a whore. You don't want to be with a person like me Jesse. You want someone like Emma used to be- someone she'd still be if the world had fewer people like me in it, and more people like you."
"Lexa... stop it. Just stop. You can't blame yourself for leo. You were trying to help him. Everything you did was to help him."
"But I liked it Jesse. Being with Carter made me powerful. Men would do whatever I said. Charles showered me with gifts. The work was exiting. It's sick, but at the time, I liked who I was and what I could do."
"You left, Lexa. You're not that person anymore. You saved Brennan- someone you don't even like, because you knew it was the right thing to do. I've seen you do good Lexa. You're a good person. If I'm the angel you make me out to be, I couldn't... care about you... the way... I do." Jesse said, kissing the face she kept turned away from him.
Lexa was crying in earnest now- huge, body wrenching silent sobs. Jesse wrapped his arms around her and held her close, trying to comfort her. She cried so hard for so long that Jesse began to worry that she was making herself ill. Slowly she calmed down, and fell asleep.
He pulled the covers up over them, and lay there with her, watching her sleep until he fell asleep himself.
* * * * *