The next morning, when Lexa awoke, she was alone in the bed. Her laundry
was neatly folded and resting on her bureaus, its' sent filling the room.
Next to the piles was a bouquet of lilies. On the night stands on either
side of her bed were small vases filled with tulips. She rolled over to
examine the note left next to her.
"Lexa- Remember that Leo was trying to protect you too. He gave his life to
free you from the burden he thought he was. I don't have as much as some,
but I will shower you with gifts, & do anything for you. Our work is
honest, if not always exciting. If you liked the person you were then,
perhaps you can grow to love the person you are now. Please- let me try to
make you happy~ Jesse."
Lexa stayed in bed breathing slowly, a small smile playing on her lips. Stretching she got out of bed and into the shower. She sang Dashboard Confessional's Hand's Down quietly to herself as she got dressed. Looking thru her closet, she picked up the black vest she had worn two days ago and put it on. She fingered the second one, debating whether or not to take Jesse with her.
Suddenly her computer screen came to life behind her. It was the Dominion.
The shadowy figure observed her for a moment before commenting dryly, "You seem to be in an unusually good mood."
Lexa tensed at the unexpected intrusion. Turning to face the monitor she shrugged. "It happens."
"By 'It' I hope you don't mean love. You don't have time for that luxury Lexa," the voice chided.
"If you know about- what happened, you also know I told him we couldn't be together," Lexa growled defensively.
"I also know that you want to be with him, despite all logic. And judging from the flowers, he wants to be with you. Really Lexa, you surprise me. I would have thought Brennan was more your type."
Lexa's head jerked back in surprise and disgust. "I may be a lot of things, but I'm no home-wrecker. What does it matter who I sleep with, as long as I can get my job done?"
"It's not only your ability to get the job done that's in question, Ms. Pierce, but your loyalty to the Dominion."
"Mutant X is a part of the Dominion, this would only serve to strengthen my ties," Lexa rationalized.
"You and I both know that isn't true," the voice said mockingly.
"If you're worried about my loyalties, then don't give me a reason to choose Mutant X over the Dominion." Lexa barked, shutting off her computer. Taking a moment to collect herself, she paged Jesse over the coms, "Jesse, can I talk to you for a minute?"
* * * *
When Jesse got the call, he was in the middle of a conversation with Brennan in the rec room. He stopped mid sentence and broke into a grin. "Hey man, I have to go." He was headed toward Lexa's before Brennan had a chance to reply.
"What's up," he asked, entering Lexa's room. Lexa didn't stop pacing when she turned to him and told him to sit down. A sense of dread started to fill him. Maybe the flowers weren't the way to go. The note might have been too personal, too much for her. Maybe-
Lexa stopped and kneeled in front of him and placed her hands on his knees, as if he was a child and she wanted to make sure they were at eye level for an important discussion. "Thank you for the flowers," she said softly. "They were a really sweet touch."
Jesse smiled, took her hand and kissed it softly. He watched her struggle not to stiffen up, and decided that her ability to stay relaxed- well to almost remain relaxed was a good sign. "I'm glad you liked them."
"I do. Carter never gave me lilies or tulips. It was always- that's not the point." She ran her hands thru her hair.
"Are you- you're flustered." Jesse grinned. "I flustered you."
Laughing, Lexa shook her head. "Don't get cocky, wonder boy."
Pulling her perpendicularly onto his lap, he couldn't wipe the grin off his face. Nuzzling her neck, he whispered to her in a husky voice. "I thought you liked it when I-"
"Stop!" Lexa was suddenly bright red, from her forehead to her fingertips. She put her finger on his mouth to quiet him.
Looking into her eyes, he took her finger into his mouth and sucked it gently. "I'm beginning to like it when you do that."
Lexa shuddered, her eyes dropping to his mouth as he swirled his tongue around her finger in the same intoxicating rhythm he'd used when they'd made love. Her eyes snapped back to his and she pulled her hand away when she realized that she thought of it as making love. "The Dominion knows."
Surprisingly, Jesse just shrugged. "So?" His right arm circled her waste, while his left hand rested on her right thigh, his thumb running back and forth.
"He doesn't like it." Lexa said softly. "He questioned my loyalty."
This time Jesse did tense up. "What did you tell him?"
"I... I said that I had told you we couldn't have a relationship- but that if I-we- if we chose to have one anyway, it would only strengthen my ties to the Dominion by strengthening my ties to Mutant X." She paused for a moment, searching Jesse's face. He was staring passed her, not wanting to make eye contact. "He didn't buy it."
"Neither do I."
"Will you let me finish? I'm not used to giving other people the instant replay Jesse." Her voice reflected her annoyance- both at the current situation and yesterday's incident with Shalimar.
"I already said I was sorry about that Lexa."
Lexa didn't answer him immediately. The silence seemed to go on forever- engulfing them. Drowning any chance they had at a "them." "I told him not to put me in a position to choose Jesse."
"What does that mean?" Jesse said, cautiously.
Lexa zipped up her vest and took his head in her hands. "It means that even now, I don't have that blind loyalty to the Dominion that I once had. Part of me trusts you, and the team." She kissed him gently, pulling away when he began to respond. She dropped her hands and played with her zipper again. "It means I'm going to trust my instincts and try to make the right choices for the right reasons from now on. That's why I'm telling you this. I wouldn't have three days ago. I want you to know that. Definitely not before Leo. But sometimes keeping secrets fucks things up more than it helps."
"Why Lexa, is that a declaration of love?" Jesse teased, trying to lighten the mood.
Lexa pursed her lips and shook her head. "Nice try, boy wonder."
"I'd like to point out that I am older than you by 4 months." Jesse's hand rubbed her thigh, making it hard for both of them to concentrate.
"Life experience counts for something Jesse." Lexa said dryly.
"Well, you'll have to catch me up then, won't you?" Jesse said, nibbling at her ear.
Lexa shook her head, laughing. "Nothing's really changed Jesse. I'm still not sure that this is a good idea." She put her hand over his so she could concentrate.
"What do you mean? You just basically told the Dominion to fuck off. I thought we'd exorcised some of those demons last night."
She stroked his face again. "I did. We did. But sometimes things just aren't that easy. That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."
"You mean all that was just the prelude?"
Nodding, Lexa agreed. "Pretty much."
"You care about me Lexa. We have a connection. I'm falling in lo-"
"Don't. Not yet Jesse." Lexa placed her hand on his lips again in what was becoming a ritual.
He kissed her fingers gently. "You know how I feel."
"I know." Lexa conceded the point. "But I'm not really sure how I feel yet."
"I know how I make you feel." Jesse said suggestively, his hands caressing her body as he kissed her, coaxing her to open up to him.
Lexa let herself enjoy the moment briefly. "Jesse..." she pleaded. She had meant to tell him to stop, but even Lexa recognized that the message conferred was entirely the opposite. Once again she was amazed at the ease in which he shifted their "conversation" and their bodies to the next level. She wasn't exactly sure how it happened, but suddenly she was lying under him, her legs entwined with his. His mouth was starting to kiss a trail down her chest; Lexa knew that if she let it go on any further, they would soon be naked. Exercising some of the discipline she had always prided herself on, she rolled out from under him, and got up off the bed. She walked as far from the bed as she could, making sure that she could get out of the room if she had to.
Jesse sat up, bracing his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees.
Lexa cleared her throat. "I'm not going to deny that we're... physically compatible."
Now it was Jesse's turn to snort. Lexa looked at him briefly, and started to pace. "And maybe part of me is drawn to your... innocence."
"It wasn't my 'innocence' that had you begging me, telling me you needed me, and you damn well know it," he drawled. "For the record, whenever we're in this room, it's you who is turning to me for 'help'."
She shot him a look, that from another mutant, might have killed. "Are you done? Shit like that isn't going to help here, Mr. Macho."
"Well if you'd stop referring to me as some sort of child, I wouldn't have to play Macho, which, I might add, you seem to respond very well to most of the time."
"God, why does everyone think they know what I want? For your information, and for yours too since I know you're still listening- it's not about dominant male sexuality or brute force, you got that? It's you that I care about. Your mind and your personality. You're kind, and loyal, and non-judgmental. It's your ability to read me. Christ, that's what makes you sexy, that's why it's you and not Brennan. That's why I fell out of love with Carter- because I realized it wasn't that he could read me, but that he could manipulate me."
Jesse stared at her, startled. "What?"
Lexa grimaced and raised her hands in explanation. "He said he thought Brennan was more my type."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh. Then what?"
Jesse shook his head. "I don't know. I'm just surprised. I thought you thought I was hokey because of all those things you just said. Half of your jabs are based on those things."
"I do... I know it doesn't make sense. That's one of the reasons this drives me crazy." She gestures back and forth between them. "But when I'm with you, I want those things. I want to be like I was before I became what I am now. Before Leo got sick. When I'm with you, I hear myself tell you things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I had to be strong for Leo, for the project, for Carter- for the Dominion. With you, all those things don't mean anything. You expect me to be how I was, and so somehow, I can be like that. It's like that song- if I could be like that, I would give anything... or is it everything." She laughs, that painful laugh again. "I don't know anymore."
"Lexa... baby." Jesse walks over to her with his arms open to embrace her.
"Don't..." she pushes him away, wiping her eyes. "You don't get it Jesse, do you? The thing is I'm not the person you see, the person I want to be. What I'd have to give to be her, I don't know if I have that to give."
"It doesn't have to be this difficult Lexa. I'm not asking you to change." Jesse stood helplessly behind her, aching to touch her.
"But I'd have to." Lexa whispers. "Otherwise I'd rip us both apart, just like I am right now. I don't want you to change Jesse. But what happens when someone like Emma comes along? I can't be her, but maybe the next girl can give you something like Emma could have."
"Emma's gone Lexa. Just like Leo is. They're dead, and their deaths changed us. I let her death make me stronger, braver, more appreciative of what I have in the moment, and I know she would be happy about that. How would Leo want his death to affect you?" He took a step closer to her, and placed his arms around her, locking his hands over her smooth stomach. "You got to tell me why you chose me and why it scares you. Let me tell you now.
"When you first came into our lives, you were this beautiful but deadly purpose driven enigma. You wouldn't let anything stand in your way- and at first, I didn't trust you because of that. I'm so used to working in a team; I didn't understand why anyone would choose to be alone. How could you do it, what we do, and not talk about it with someone at the end of the day? You gave no explanations, you just did what you had to do, no apologies.
"When I realized that you were driven by the same things- I began to admire you. Instead of ruthless, you were strong. Instead of single-minded, determined. Instead of cold, fiery. And I realized that it wasn't that you were untrusting, it was that you didn't have anyone you thought you could trust. In essence, you put the needs of other ahead of yourself. You walked into this tight knit family, knowing we had each other for so long that we didn't need you- and you found a way to walk the line between the Dominion and the team. And maybe you didn't share everything and one you knew with us, but that's why those people still trusted you. When we were trying to save the Senator, I realized that Brennan, Shalimar and I- we didn't always tell everyone the whole truth either. You told them just enough to help them help us, which was what you were doing."
His hands, which had been a comforting weight on her body, began to rub slow circles on her abdomen. "You somehow managed to do on your own what it took four of us to do. You were so independent, it was... sexy." His hands teased at the edges of her clothing, slipping under them. "When you told us about Leo, I saw how passionately loyal and loving you were. My admiration grew when you saved Brennan. It was as if you would do anything for love yourself, but you wouldn't let those you loved do wrong. You don't realize it, but in the end, you saved Leo from himself, and he saved you from yourself. And even though it drove you crazy to see Brennan, you told him that once, and then let it go. You stayed, even though I'm sure you wanted to run away." They watched each other in the mirror, never breaking eye contact.
"And then there was the thief. Do you have any idea how jealous you made me? I already knew part of me wanted you, but I didn't realize how much until then." His left hand slipped up, under her shirt, over her bra, and onto her breast. He slowly began to kneed her flesh while his other hand slipped down... his fingers lightly teasing her, tickling her without reaching between her legs. "If I had Brennan's powers that day, I would have killed that s.o.b. He was everything I wasn't and you wanted him."
Lexa opened her mouth to explain. "It didn't mean anything Jesse."
He nodded, kissing her ear, using his tongue to press that sensitive spot on her neck. "I know that now. You came back to us. I used to tell myself it was me you came back to. Even though you slept with him, I meant more to you. He was easy- but I cost you something. And," he smiled devilishly, teasing her flesh with a renewed purpose, "I made you cum in a way that no other man ever has."
Her eyes had drifted closed under his sensual assault, but they shot open again at his words. "She told you."
He could tell that Lexa was about to bolt, so he touched her core and kissed her neck. "Shh, stay. Easy now, easy." Almost immediately it became evident that his appeal to her physical desires was succeeding when Lexa let out a little whimper and lifted her hips into his hand unconsciously. "No one had to tell me anything- you did. I saw the shock on your face as you started to glow and flicker. When you started to pulse and the heat began to build," his ministrations intensified, "you were desperate with need- you were almost frightened by that need. And then when you came, and that light, that amazing light, like liquid heat just exploded out from you- I thought I had died and gone to heaven. From the look in your eye that first time it seems that you worried you had sent me there. Am I right? Hmmm? Were you worried that I couldn't take your... heat?"
Lexa's hands opened and closed at her sides as she bit her lip in a failed effort to remain silent. The moan that escaped her was long, soft, and as rich as velvet. She never felt more like a woman than when she was with Jesse. She clenched her eyes shut and reached forward to brace herself against the bureau. She moaned again, this time in protest as Jesse's hands left her jeans and began to unbutton her top.
"What, what is it Lexa? Tell me..." Jesse coxed, grinding himself against her sensitive bottom, pressing her into the bureau as he undressed her.
"I'll do it- you – I need your hands on me." Lexa's voice was rich and sultry with her need. Her hands fumbled with the buttons, pushing his out of the way.
"Mmm, no. That's enough." Jesse stopped her. He pulled her half unbuttoned shirt down her shoulders, pinning her arms to her sides. They both know it would be easy for her to get out, but the shirt provided just enough restriction to give Jesse the illusion of control. "Undo your pants," he whispered.
Lexa obeyed as Jesse undid the front snap of her bra, exposing her breasts. She stilled as he licked her neck and fondled her breasts, lightly at first, alternating between feathery touches and a luxurious massage. When he took one into he gave her his thumb and pointer to suck on, she did so, imitating the oral pleasure he had given her on their first night together. She felt his pants fall, felt him tug her jeans down and push her thong aside. He took his fingers from her mouth and pinched her nipple slowly. She spread her legs and leaned forward, trying to prepare herself for his entrance. "Please Jesse. I need you."
"I'm right here baby. Tell me what you need." She rubbed her ass into him, trying to tell him with her actions. "Tell me."
"I need you, inside me." She moaned as he instantaneously complied.
"Shhh—quiet baby. You don't want anyone to hear this, remember?" He teased rocking her faster, deeper.
"God. I can't- I can't think" Lexa moaned. "Just please don't stop Jesse." She squeezed her inner muscles together around him, startling him so much that he lost his balance and they fell forward.
After getting over the initial shock, they started to laugh. "You okay?" Jesse asked, stepping back carefully.
"Yes," Lexa said pushing him back onto the bed. She kissed him gently and purred- "Why don't we play nice for a little while?" She shrugged out of her remaining clothes and pulled his shirt up over his head.
"I thought we were playing nice?" Jesse said, looking up at her as she straddled him.
"Mmm. Yeah, but you got to have all the fun being the boss."
"Oh and now you're in charge?"
"Exxxactly." Lexa leaned down and kissed him, her hair cascading over them. She kept things slow and sensuous for several minutes. Every time Jesse tried to elevate their intimacy, Lexa would shake her head and promise him that it would be worth the wait.
When Lexa started to kiss a trail down his chest, Jesse tried to stop her. "Baby don't- I won't la-haaa."
Lexa smiled up at him as she stroked him with her hand and kissed the length of him up and down. "Hmm? I thought you were famous for being rock hard?"
"Lexa" Jesse moaned. "You don't have to-"
"I want to." She smiled, almost shyly. With that Lexa began to show Jesse just how, ahem, deeply, she cared for him. It wasn't long before it was Jesse's turn to beg Lexa not to stop.
Unfortunately, it was then that Brennan called Jesse over the com.
"Jesse, buddy, you there?"
Lexa slowly raised her self up long enough to whisper, "Don't answer Jess."
Groaning Jesse looked at his ring, and back at Lexa who was getting ready to straddle him.
"Jesse, it's kind of serious."
"Ask him if it can wait." Lexa's kiss promised all sorts of delite.
"What is it Brennan?" Jesse managed to choke out as he watched Lexa's head roll back as he touched her between her legs.
"There's a message from the Dominion waiting for you marked urgent."
"I'm kind of in the middle of something Brennan."
"I.. ah... I know man, I'm sorry, but... it's making noise. Angry noises."
"Ask for five minutes Jesse," Lexa eased herself onto him.
He grabbed her hips, forcing her to be still. "It'll wait 10 minutes Brennan."
Lexa arched an eyebrow and rocked forward.
"I don't know Jess- it's getting louder. I'm really sorry."
Jesse started to sweat in earnest as Lexa picked up her pace.
Lexa twisted her ring on and in a tight, controlled voice, barked out, "Brennan?"
"Uhh, yeah?" Brennan's unease evident.
"Mute the goddamn computer." Lexa removed both her ring and his with her teeth and spit them across the room.
"Should I be worried that you called another man's name out while making love to me?" Jesse asked, rolling her under him.
"Mmm no. But you should be worried that the Dominion knows exactly what you're doing and why you're ignoring them."
"Well then, I better make this count, hadn't I?" Jesse growled.
"Please... please do."
* * * * *
Seven minutes later Jesse walks into the lab, his hair wet from his 45 second shower. "What do we got?"
Brennan looks up at him shaking his head. "You're crazy Dawg."
Jesse shrugs, looks at the computer and rubs his hands together. Turning the volume on, he opens the message.
Instantly the bearded man pops up onto the screen. "So nice of you to spare me a moment of your time."
Rubbing his neck, Jesse coughs. "You caught me at a bad time."
"I know exactly when I caught you. I'm not sure what surprised me more, that she decided to play house with you, or that you ignored me for as long as you did. Or did your resolve not... last?"
"What did you want?"
"To tell you not to distract Lexa Pierce."
"She's a big girl, she can make decisions for herself."
"For some reason she seems to make poor ones when it comes to you."
"I'll take that as a complement." Jesse looks up at the sound of heals clicking thru the room.
"I'm not finished with you young man!" The shadowy figure voicing his displeasure at being ignored.
"What does he want Jesse?" Lexa asked, wrapping her arms around him in view of the monitor.
"Lexa. Don't do this," the voice growled.
"You don't get to make my choices on this one." She handed Jesse his ring. "You left this in my room."
"Lexa, you're risking everything for this... boy. It's one thing to sleep with him, it's another to get emotionally involved. It's clouding your judgment."
"Look just because it's not politically advantageous for me to be sleeping with Jesse, doesn't mean my judgment is clouded. I'm not going to apologize for this. One Carter a lifetime is more than enough."
"Might I remind you what happened the last time you chose someone of your own to become emotionally involved with?"
"Shut up, alright, shut up. I get it. I'll stop. But for the record you and I both know that what happened then was not my fault, or his, and I'm not going to let you manipulate me into thinking it was. Not now, not ever again."
"As long as we are in agreement, there won't be any need for me to revisit the past." The screen went dark.
"Did you- did you just break up with me?" Jesse crossed his arms and stared in disbelief at Lexa's retreating form.
To his surprise, instead of running to her room, or out of the station, she sat down on a couch and stared at the ceiling. "I'm... asking you to understand that I'm in a very difficult position here." She sighed. "You see, I'm not as 'strong' and 'independent' as you think I am."
"What was he talking about? And why bother to address the message to me and not to you, when obviously it was you he really wanted to talk to?" Jesse asked, sitting across from her on the coffee table.
"I had already hung up on him right before we had our last argument. I guess he wanted to make sure you were there when he tried again."
"Why?"
"Does it matter? It worked, didn't it?" Lexa tilted her head to the left, then right, cracking it both times. "God, I can't believe this is happening." She shook her finger at him. "This, this is why I slept with Blake. To avoid this sort of thing. He never feels the need to interfere when it helps the Dominion, does he?"
"You're avoiding my question Lexa. Why did he want me there?"
"To use you as leverage, so I'd cave in and stop seeing you."
"What is it that you didn't want him to talk about in front of me?"
"I can't tell you. And not just because I don't want to, which obviously, I don't, but because I'm sure he's still listening. Listen Jesse, please, try to understand, for the past 15 years my life has been anything but simple. I do care about you, I swear."
"Just not enough."
"No, not enough. There are times Jesse, where what I want, and what I need don't count, not even a little bit, and this is one of those times."
"What about what I want or need?"
"We haven't been together- if you can even call it that- for that long. In a few days you'll be over it. It's time to cut bait Jesse, I'm sorry."
"Who is that man? Why does he have such power over you?"
Looking surprised, Lexa smiled a smile laced with irony. "You don't know?"
Jesse shook his head numbly.
"Well I think he owes you that much." She leaned forward to whisper in his ear.
The computer screen sprang to life and the bearded man interrupted her. "Lexa, don't even think about it."
Leaning back, she rolled her eyes. "Don't you ever get tired of playing Gipetto?"
"I wouldn't have to if you'd just grow up and start acting your age."
"Gee, I'm sorry, you see I'm not a real girl, but a puppet. I don't know how to act my age, all I do is perform."
"Just who the hell are you?" Jesse leapt toward the monitor, his frustration quickly turning to rage. The screen went blank and he found himself alone in the room. "Lexa? Lexa?"
* * * *
Lexa stayed in bed breathing slowly, a small smile playing on her lips. Stretching she got out of bed and into the shower. She sang Dashboard Confessional's Hand's Down quietly to herself as she got dressed. Looking thru her closet, she picked up the black vest she had worn two days ago and put it on. She fingered the second one, debating whether or not to take Jesse with her.
Suddenly her computer screen came to life behind her. It was the Dominion.
The shadowy figure observed her for a moment before commenting dryly, "You seem to be in an unusually good mood."
Lexa tensed at the unexpected intrusion. Turning to face the monitor she shrugged. "It happens."
"By 'It' I hope you don't mean love. You don't have time for that luxury Lexa," the voice chided.
"If you know about- what happened, you also know I told him we couldn't be together," Lexa growled defensively.
"I also know that you want to be with him, despite all logic. And judging from the flowers, he wants to be with you. Really Lexa, you surprise me. I would have thought Brennan was more your type."
Lexa's head jerked back in surprise and disgust. "I may be a lot of things, but I'm no home-wrecker. What does it matter who I sleep with, as long as I can get my job done?"
"It's not only your ability to get the job done that's in question, Ms. Pierce, but your loyalty to the Dominion."
"Mutant X is a part of the Dominion, this would only serve to strengthen my ties," Lexa rationalized.
"You and I both know that isn't true," the voice said mockingly.
"If you're worried about my loyalties, then don't give me a reason to choose Mutant X over the Dominion." Lexa barked, shutting off her computer. Taking a moment to collect herself, she paged Jesse over the coms, "Jesse, can I talk to you for a minute?"
* * * *
When Jesse got the call, he was in the middle of a conversation with Brennan in the rec room. He stopped mid sentence and broke into a grin. "Hey man, I have to go." He was headed toward Lexa's before Brennan had a chance to reply.
"What's up," he asked, entering Lexa's room. Lexa didn't stop pacing when she turned to him and told him to sit down. A sense of dread started to fill him. Maybe the flowers weren't the way to go. The note might have been too personal, too much for her. Maybe-
Lexa stopped and kneeled in front of him and placed her hands on his knees, as if he was a child and she wanted to make sure they were at eye level for an important discussion. "Thank you for the flowers," she said softly. "They were a really sweet touch."
Jesse smiled, took her hand and kissed it softly. He watched her struggle not to stiffen up, and decided that her ability to stay relaxed- well to almost remain relaxed was a good sign. "I'm glad you liked them."
"I do. Carter never gave me lilies or tulips. It was always- that's not the point." She ran her hands thru her hair.
"Are you- you're flustered." Jesse grinned. "I flustered you."
Laughing, Lexa shook her head. "Don't get cocky, wonder boy."
Pulling her perpendicularly onto his lap, he couldn't wipe the grin off his face. Nuzzling her neck, he whispered to her in a husky voice. "I thought you liked it when I-"
"Stop!" Lexa was suddenly bright red, from her forehead to her fingertips. She put her finger on his mouth to quiet him.
Looking into her eyes, he took her finger into his mouth and sucked it gently. "I'm beginning to like it when you do that."
Lexa shuddered, her eyes dropping to his mouth as he swirled his tongue around her finger in the same intoxicating rhythm he'd used when they'd made love. Her eyes snapped back to his and she pulled her hand away when she realized that she thought of it as making love. "The Dominion knows."
Surprisingly, Jesse just shrugged. "So?" His right arm circled her waste, while his left hand rested on her right thigh, his thumb running back and forth.
"He doesn't like it." Lexa said softly. "He questioned my loyalty."
This time Jesse did tense up. "What did you tell him?"
"I... I said that I had told you we couldn't have a relationship- but that if I-we- if we chose to have one anyway, it would only strengthen my ties to the Dominion by strengthening my ties to Mutant X." She paused for a moment, searching Jesse's face. He was staring passed her, not wanting to make eye contact. "He didn't buy it."
"Neither do I."
"Will you let me finish? I'm not used to giving other people the instant replay Jesse." Her voice reflected her annoyance- both at the current situation and yesterday's incident with Shalimar.
"I already said I was sorry about that Lexa."
Lexa didn't answer him immediately. The silence seemed to go on forever- engulfing them. Drowning any chance they had at a "them." "I told him not to put me in a position to choose Jesse."
"What does that mean?" Jesse said, cautiously.
Lexa zipped up her vest and took his head in her hands. "It means that even now, I don't have that blind loyalty to the Dominion that I once had. Part of me trusts you, and the team." She kissed him gently, pulling away when he began to respond. She dropped her hands and played with her zipper again. "It means I'm going to trust my instincts and try to make the right choices for the right reasons from now on. That's why I'm telling you this. I wouldn't have three days ago. I want you to know that. Definitely not before Leo. But sometimes keeping secrets fucks things up more than it helps."
"Why Lexa, is that a declaration of love?" Jesse teased, trying to lighten the mood.
Lexa pursed her lips and shook her head. "Nice try, boy wonder."
"I'd like to point out that I am older than you by 4 months." Jesse's hand rubbed her thigh, making it hard for both of them to concentrate.
"Life experience counts for something Jesse." Lexa said dryly.
"Well, you'll have to catch me up then, won't you?" Jesse said, nibbling at her ear.
Lexa shook her head, laughing. "Nothing's really changed Jesse. I'm still not sure that this is a good idea." She put her hand over his so she could concentrate.
"What do you mean? You just basically told the Dominion to fuck off. I thought we'd exorcised some of those demons last night."
She stroked his face again. "I did. We did. But sometimes things just aren't that easy. That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."
"You mean all that was just the prelude?"
Nodding, Lexa agreed. "Pretty much."
"You care about me Lexa. We have a connection. I'm falling in lo-"
"Don't. Not yet Jesse." Lexa placed her hand on his lips again in what was becoming a ritual.
He kissed her fingers gently. "You know how I feel."
"I know." Lexa conceded the point. "But I'm not really sure how I feel yet."
"I know how I make you feel." Jesse said suggestively, his hands caressing her body as he kissed her, coaxing her to open up to him.
Lexa let herself enjoy the moment briefly. "Jesse..." she pleaded. She had meant to tell him to stop, but even Lexa recognized that the message conferred was entirely the opposite. Once again she was amazed at the ease in which he shifted their "conversation" and their bodies to the next level. She wasn't exactly sure how it happened, but suddenly she was lying under him, her legs entwined with his. His mouth was starting to kiss a trail down her chest; Lexa knew that if she let it go on any further, they would soon be naked. Exercising some of the discipline she had always prided herself on, she rolled out from under him, and got up off the bed. She walked as far from the bed as she could, making sure that she could get out of the room if she had to.
Jesse sat up, bracing his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees.
Lexa cleared her throat. "I'm not going to deny that we're... physically compatible."
Now it was Jesse's turn to snort. Lexa looked at him briefly, and started to pace. "And maybe part of me is drawn to your... innocence."
"It wasn't my 'innocence' that had you begging me, telling me you needed me, and you damn well know it," he drawled. "For the record, whenever we're in this room, it's you who is turning to me for 'help'."
She shot him a look, that from another mutant, might have killed. "Are you done? Shit like that isn't going to help here, Mr. Macho."
"Well if you'd stop referring to me as some sort of child, I wouldn't have to play Macho, which, I might add, you seem to respond very well to most of the time."
"God, why does everyone think they know what I want? For your information, and for yours too since I know you're still listening- it's not about dominant male sexuality or brute force, you got that? It's you that I care about. Your mind and your personality. You're kind, and loyal, and non-judgmental. It's your ability to read me. Christ, that's what makes you sexy, that's why it's you and not Brennan. That's why I fell out of love with Carter- because I realized it wasn't that he could read me, but that he could manipulate me."
Jesse stared at her, startled. "What?"
Lexa grimaced and raised her hands in explanation. "He said he thought Brennan was more my type."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh. Then what?"
Jesse shook his head. "I don't know. I'm just surprised. I thought you thought I was hokey because of all those things you just said. Half of your jabs are based on those things."
"I do... I know it doesn't make sense. That's one of the reasons this drives me crazy." She gestures back and forth between them. "But when I'm with you, I want those things. I want to be like I was before I became what I am now. Before Leo got sick. When I'm with you, I hear myself tell you things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I had to be strong for Leo, for the project, for Carter- for the Dominion. With you, all those things don't mean anything. You expect me to be how I was, and so somehow, I can be like that. It's like that song- if I could be like that, I would give anything... or is it everything." She laughs, that painful laugh again. "I don't know anymore."
"Lexa... baby." Jesse walks over to her with his arms open to embrace her.
"Don't..." she pushes him away, wiping her eyes. "You don't get it Jesse, do you? The thing is I'm not the person you see, the person I want to be. What I'd have to give to be her, I don't know if I have that to give."
"It doesn't have to be this difficult Lexa. I'm not asking you to change." Jesse stood helplessly behind her, aching to touch her.
"But I'd have to." Lexa whispers. "Otherwise I'd rip us both apart, just like I am right now. I don't want you to change Jesse. But what happens when someone like Emma comes along? I can't be her, but maybe the next girl can give you something like Emma could have."
"Emma's gone Lexa. Just like Leo is. They're dead, and their deaths changed us. I let her death make me stronger, braver, more appreciative of what I have in the moment, and I know she would be happy about that. How would Leo want his death to affect you?" He took a step closer to her, and placed his arms around her, locking his hands over her smooth stomach. "You got to tell me why you chose me and why it scares you. Let me tell you now.
"When you first came into our lives, you were this beautiful but deadly purpose driven enigma. You wouldn't let anything stand in your way- and at first, I didn't trust you because of that. I'm so used to working in a team; I didn't understand why anyone would choose to be alone. How could you do it, what we do, and not talk about it with someone at the end of the day? You gave no explanations, you just did what you had to do, no apologies.
"When I realized that you were driven by the same things- I began to admire you. Instead of ruthless, you were strong. Instead of single-minded, determined. Instead of cold, fiery. And I realized that it wasn't that you were untrusting, it was that you didn't have anyone you thought you could trust. In essence, you put the needs of other ahead of yourself. You walked into this tight knit family, knowing we had each other for so long that we didn't need you- and you found a way to walk the line between the Dominion and the team. And maybe you didn't share everything and one you knew with us, but that's why those people still trusted you. When we were trying to save the Senator, I realized that Brennan, Shalimar and I- we didn't always tell everyone the whole truth either. You told them just enough to help them help us, which was what you were doing."
His hands, which had been a comforting weight on her body, began to rub slow circles on her abdomen. "You somehow managed to do on your own what it took four of us to do. You were so independent, it was... sexy." His hands teased at the edges of her clothing, slipping under them. "When you told us about Leo, I saw how passionately loyal and loving you were. My admiration grew when you saved Brennan. It was as if you would do anything for love yourself, but you wouldn't let those you loved do wrong. You don't realize it, but in the end, you saved Leo from himself, and he saved you from yourself. And even though it drove you crazy to see Brennan, you told him that once, and then let it go. You stayed, even though I'm sure you wanted to run away." They watched each other in the mirror, never breaking eye contact.
"And then there was the thief. Do you have any idea how jealous you made me? I already knew part of me wanted you, but I didn't realize how much until then." His left hand slipped up, under her shirt, over her bra, and onto her breast. He slowly began to kneed her flesh while his other hand slipped down... his fingers lightly teasing her, tickling her without reaching between her legs. "If I had Brennan's powers that day, I would have killed that s.o.b. He was everything I wasn't and you wanted him."
Lexa opened her mouth to explain. "It didn't mean anything Jesse."
He nodded, kissing her ear, using his tongue to press that sensitive spot on her neck. "I know that now. You came back to us. I used to tell myself it was me you came back to. Even though you slept with him, I meant more to you. He was easy- but I cost you something. And," he smiled devilishly, teasing her flesh with a renewed purpose, "I made you cum in a way that no other man ever has."
Her eyes had drifted closed under his sensual assault, but they shot open again at his words. "She told you."
He could tell that Lexa was about to bolt, so he touched her core and kissed her neck. "Shh, stay. Easy now, easy." Almost immediately it became evident that his appeal to her physical desires was succeeding when Lexa let out a little whimper and lifted her hips into his hand unconsciously. "No one had to tell me anything- you did. I saw the shock on your face as you started to glow and flicker. When you started to pulse and the heat began to build," his ministrations intensified, "you were desperate with need- you were almost frightened by that need. And then when you came, and that light, that amazing light, like liquid heat just exploded out from you- I thought I had died and gone to heaven. From the look in your eye that first time it seems that you worried you had sent me there. Am I right? Hmmm? Were you worried that I couldn't take your... heat?"
Lexa's hands opened and closed at her sides as she bit her lip in a failed effort to remain silent. The moan that escaped her was long, soft, and as rich as velvet. She never felt more like a woman than when she was with Jesse. She clenched her eyes shut and reached forward to brace herself against the bureau. She moaned again, this time in protest as Jesse's hands left her jeans and began to unbutton her top.
"What, what is it Lexa? Tell me..." Jesse coxed, grinding himself against her sensitive bottom, pressing her into the bureau as he undressed her.
"I'll do it- you – I need your hands on me." Lexa's voice was rich and sultry with her need. Her hands fumbled with the buttons, pushing his out of the way.
"Mmm, no. That's enough." Jesse stopped her. He pulled her half unbuttoned shirt down her shoulders, pinning her arms to her sides. They both know it would be easy for her to get out, but the shirt provided just enough restriction to give Jesse the illusion of control. "Undo your pants," he whispered.
Lexa obeyed as Jesse undid the front snap of her bra, exposing her breasts. She stilled as he licked her neck and fondled her breasts, lightly at first, alternating between feathery touches and a luxurious massage. When he took one into he gave her his thumb and pointer to suck on, she did so, imitating the oral pleasure he had given her on their first night together. She felt his pants fall, felt him tug her jeans down and push her thong aside. He took his fingers from her mouth and pinched her nipple slowly. She spread her legs and leaned forward, trying to prepare herself for his entrance. "Please Jesse. I need you."
"I'm right here baby. Tell me what you need." She rubbed her ass into him, trying to tell him with her actions. "Tell me."
"I need you, inside me." She moaned as he instantaneously complied.
"Shhh—quiet baby. You don't want anyone to hear this, remember?" He teased rocking her faster, deeper.
"God. I can't- I can't think" Lexa moaned. "Just please don't stop Jesse." She squeezed her inner muscles together around him, startling him so much that he lost his balance and they fell forward.
After getting over the initial shock, they started to laugh. "You okay?" Jesse asked, stepping back carefully.
"Yes," Lexa said pushing him back onto the bed. She kissed him gently and purred- "Why don't we play nice for a little while?" She shrugged out of her remaining clothes and pulled his shirt up over his head.
"I thought we were playing nice?" Jesse said, looking up at her as she straddled him.
"Mmm. Yeah, but you got to have all the fun being the boss."
"Oh and now you're in charge?"
"Exxxactly." Lexa leaned down and kissed him, her hair cascading over them. She kept things slow and sensuous for several minutes. Every time Jesse tried to elevate their intimacy, Lexa would shake her head and promise him that it would be worth the wait.
When Lexa started to kiss a trail down his chest, Jesse tried to stop her. "Baby don't- I won't la-haaa."
Lexa smiled up at him as she stroked him with her hand and kissed the length of him up and down. "Hmm? I thought you were famous for being rock hard?"
"Lexa" Jesse moaned. "You don't have to-"
"I want to." She smiled, almost shyly. With that Lexa began to show Jesse just how, ahem, deeply, she cared for him. It wasn't long before it was Jesse's turn to beg Lexa not to stop.
Unfortunately, it was then that Brennan called Jesse over the com.
"Jesse, buddy, you there?"
Lexa slowly raised her self up long enough to whisper, "Don't answer Jess."
Groaning Jesse looked at his ring, and back at Lexa who was getting ready to straddle him.
"Jesse, it's kind of serious."
"Ask him if it can wait." Lexa's kiss promised all sorts of delite.
"What is it Brennan?" Jesse managed to choke out as he watched Lexa's head roll back as he touched her between her legs.
"There's a message from the Dominion waiting for you marked urgent."
"I'm kind of in the middle of something Brennan."
"I.. ah... I know man, I'm sorry, but... it's making noise. Angry noises."
"Ask for five minutes Jesse," Lexa eased herself onto him.
He grabbed her hips, forcing her to be still. "It'll wait 10 minutes Brennan."
Lexa arched an eyebrow and rocked forward.
"I don't know Jess- it's getting louder. I'm really sorry."
Jesse started to sweat in earnest as Lexa picked up her pace.
Lexa twisted her ring on and in a tight, controlled voice, barked out, "Brennan?"
"Uhh, yeah?" Brennan's unease evident.
"Mute the goddamn computer." Lexa removed both her ring and his with her teeth and spit them across the room.
"Should I be worried that you called another man's name out while making love to me?" Jesse asked, rolling her under him.
"Mmm no. But you should be worried that the Dominion knows exactly what you're doing and why you're ignoring them."
"Well then, I better make this count, hadn't I?" Jesse growled.
"Please... please do."
* * * * *
Seven minutes later Jesse walks into the lab, his hair wet from his 45 second shower. "What do we got?"
Brennan looks up at him shaking his head. "You're crazy Dawg."
Jesse shrugs, looks at the computer and rubs his hands together. Turning the volume on, he opens the message.
Instantly the bearded man pops up onto the screen. "So nice of you to spare me a moment of your time."
Rubbing his neck, Jesse coughs. "You caught me at a bad time."
"I know exactly when I caught you. I'm not sure what surprised me more, that she decided to play house with you, or that you ignored me for as long as you did. Or did your resolve not... last?"
"What did you want?"
"To tell you not to distract Lexa Pierce."
"She's a big girl, she can make decisions for herself."
"For some reason she seems to make poor ones when it comes to you."
"I'll take that as a complement." Jesse looks up at the sound of heals clicking thru the room.
"I'm not finished with you young man!" The shadowy figure voicing his displeasure at being ignored.
"What does he want Jesse?" Lexa asked, wrapping her arms around him in view of the monitor.
"Lexa. Don't do this," the voice growled.
"You don't get to make my choices on this one." She handed Jesse his ring. "You left this in my room."
"Lexa, you're risking everything for this... boy. It's one thing to sleep with him, it's another to get emotionally involved. It's clouding your judgment."
"Look just because it's not politically advantageous for me to be sleeping with Jesse, doesn't mean my judgment is clouded. I'm not going to apologize for this. One Carter a lifetime is more than enough."
"Might I remind you what happened the last time you chose someone of your own to become emotionally involved with?"
"Shut up, alright, shut up. I get it. I'll stop. But for the record you and I both know that what happened then was not my fault, or his, and I'm not going to let you manipulate me into thinking it was. Not now, not ever again."
"As long as we are in agreement, there won't be any need for me to revisit the past." The screen went dark.
"Did you- did you just break up with me?" Jesse crossed his arms and stared in disbelief at Lexa's retreating form.
To his surprise, instead of running to her room, or out of the station, she sat down on a couch and stared at the ceiling. "I'm... asking you to understand that I'm in a very difficult position here." She sighed. "You see, I'm not as 'strong' and 'independent' as you think I am."
"What was he talking about? And why bother to address the message to me and not to you, when obviously it was you he really wanted to talk to?" Jesse asked, sitting across from her on the coffee table.
"I had already hung up on him right before we had our last argument. I guess he wanted to make sure you were there when he tried again."
"Why?"
"Does it matter? It worked, didn't it?" Lexa tilted her head to the left, then right, cracking it both times. "God, I can't believe this is happening." She shook her finger at him. "This, this is why I slept with Blake. To avoid this sort of thing. He never feels the need to interfere when it helps the Dominion, does he?"
"You're avoiding my question Lexa. Why did he want me there?"
"To use you as leverage, so I'd cave in and stop seeing you."
"What is it that you didn't want him to talk about in front of me?"
"I can't tell you. And not just because I don't want to, which obviously, I don't, but because I'm sure he's still listening. Listen Jesse, please, try to understand, for the past 15 years my life has been anything but simple. I do care about you, I swear."
"Just not enough."
"No, not enough. There are times Jesse, where what I want, and what I need don't count, not even a little bit, and this is one of those times."
"What about what I want or need?"
"We haven't been together- if you can even call it that- for that long. In a few days you'll be over it. It's time to cut bait Jesse, I'm sorry."
"Who is that man? Why does he have such power over you?"
Looking surprised, Lexa smiled a smile laced with irony. "You don't know?"
Jesse shook his head numbly.
"Well I think he owes you that much." She leaned forward to whisper in his ear.
The computer screen sprang to life and the bearded man interrupted her. "Lexa, don't even think about it."
Leaning back, she rolled her eyes. "Don't you ever get tired of playing Gipetto?"
"I wouldn't have to if you'd just grow up and start acting your age."
"Gee, I'm sorry, you see I'm not a real girl, but a puppet. I don't know how to act my age, all I do is perform."
"Just who the hell are you?" Jesse leapt toward the monitor, his frustration quickly turning to rage. The screen went blank and he found himself alone in the room. "Lexa? Lexa?"
* * * *