It was two week later that Remus heard anything more of his friends, and
even then it was just a brief letter from James, checking everything was
well.
That night he had lain awake, tossing and turning, the waning moon making
his night sleepless. He finally dozed off around 4 am, only to wake 45
minutes later... "Lily"
He sat up, and felt the damp sheen of sweat that had enveloped his body.
For some reason he was breathing heavily, and had the faintest memory of a
green light, and Lily holding a child with her back turned against the
eerie glow.
It was these times between dusk and dawn when he felt most alone, when he thought of what his life could have been had he only allowed it, It was these times when he thought back to Hogwarts, to a girl whose fire had captured his heart, Whose life and passion had ensnared his very soul.
He thought of the moment Sirius had almost turned him into a killer. The moment Sirius realised his greatest fear and taught him the world would never be his friend.
That night would always be with him, bearing testament to the monster he held within him, but perhaps it wouldn't have been such torture, if it wasn't for that one moment in the snow, when she had come across him, the real him.
It was in those times that the wolf was completely in control, its sole focus the hunt, the kill, its ravenous thoughts completely eradicating the usually quiet sedate mind of Remus, consuming him, making him unrecognisable even to himself.
That night in the snow everything had changed, the wolf had smelt the two boys coming down the damp passage, one friend, one foe. It had hurled itself against the door, finally splintering the wood and breaking through. It had followed the scent of the boys up the passage, finally to emerge into the Hogwarts grounds.
It was that moment the wolf had caught a new scent in the breeze, a mixture of blood, fear, and almonds. The wolf followed the scent, nearing ever closer to its source, a blurry figure in hogwarts robes, running in the distance.
It saw the hunt and felt the blood pounding in its head, it threw back its head to the moon and howled. The figure stopped and whipped its head round, seeing the beast in pursuit it ran further into the night, into the snow, and the dark boundaries of the forbidden forest.
The figure scrambled through the underbrush, but the wolf was too fast, as it neared, it contracted its limbs to leap in one fluid motion, it landed on its prey, knocking it forward into the snow, and pulled back to play with its food.
The girl spun around, her wand in her hand, "Lumos"
It was that word, and the sight before him, that snapped Remus into action, he reached out with his mind, stopping the wolf as he recognised the figure in front of him, the dishevelled red hair, the tearstained face, and the bright green eyes.
He saw the mud covering her robes, and the fear in her face, and felt instant shame, remorse poured through him, and Remus the wolf, turned and ran back to the shrieking shack, back through the splintered door, and his wooden prison.
In that moment he realised the wolf could no longer be the wolf and the man could no longer be a man.
And it was in that moment of clarity, that he understood the only way he could save her, the only way he could protect her was to lose her forever.
*********
He sipped his cup of coffee, so immersed in his sad memories that he didn't
realise it had turned into murky cold sludge in the bottom of his cup. That night, his decision, it had all been the beginning, the beginning of his new life, a life alone, where he would be unable to let anyone into his
life, especially her...
he would never again allow his darkness to taint her shining light.
**************
It was these times between dusk and dawn when he felt most alone, when he thought of what his life could have been had he only allowed it, It was these times when he thought back to Hogwarts, to a girl whose fire had captured his heart, Whose life and passion had ensnared his very soul.
He thought of the moment Sirius had almost turned him into a killer. The moment Sirius realised his greatest fear and taught him the world would never be his friend.
That night would always be with him, bearing testament to the monster he held within him, but perhaps it wouldn't have been such torture, if it wasn't for that one moment in the snow, when she had come across him, the real him.
It was in those times that the wolf was completely in control, its sole focus the hunt, the kill, its ravenous thoughts completely eradicating the usually quiet sedate mind of Remus, consuming him, making him unrecognisable even to himself.
That night in the snow everything had changed, the wolf had smelt the two boys coming down the damp passage, one friend, one foe. It had hurled itself against the door, finally splintering the wood and breaking through. It had followed the scent of the boys up the passage, finally to emerge into the Hogwarts grounds.
It was that moment the wolf had caught a new scent in the breeze, a mixture of blood, fear, and almonds. The wolf followed the scent, nearing ever closer to its source, a blurry figure in hogwarts robes, running in the distance.
It saw the hunt and felt the blood pounding in its head, it threw back its head to the moon and howled. The figure stopped and whipped its head round, seeing the beast in pursuit it ran further into the night, into the snow, and the dark boundaries of the forbidden forest.
The figure scrambled through the underbrush, but the wolf was too fast, as it neared, it contracted its limbs to leap in one fluid motion, it landed on its prey, knocking it forward into the snow, and pulled back to play with its food.
The girl spun around, her wand in her hand, "Lumos"
It was that word, and the sight before him, that snapped Remus into action, he reached out with his mind, stopping the wolf as he recognised the figure in front of him, the dishevelled red hair, the tearstained face, and the bright green eyes.
He saw the mud covering her robes, and the fear in her face, and felt instant shame, remorse poured through him, and Remus the wolf, turned and ran back to the shrieking shack, back through the splintered door, and his wooden prison.
In that moment he realised the wolf could no longer be the wolf and the man could no longer be a man.
And it was in that moment of clarity, that he understood the only way he could save her, the only way he could protect her was to lose her forever.
*********
He sipped his cup of coffee, so immersed in his sad memories that he didn't
realise it had turned into murky cold sludge in the bottom of his cup. That night, his decision, it had all been the beginning, the beginning of his new life, a life alone, where he would be unable to let anyone into his
life, especially her...
he would never again allow his darkness to taint her shining light.
**************