I knew from the very beginning how you felt. The first instant in which your eyes locked with mine, I was filled to the brim with instant realization of your emotions. How could I not? How can anyone miss the look? Your deep, haunting, beautiful pools of some indescribable color that makes me smile and cry inside at the very same moment. You swell with it, and when I lock gazes with you, I swell with it too, until my eyes sting with the strength of it.
I didn't want to believe it. For a sad while, I denied that I knew everything, denied the truth that pleaded to me. How could I admit such a thing, when every part of me ached for it not to be true? Even when I knew my façade of ignorance was completely useless, I held on to it as long as possible, stretched it as far as I would go, bruising my heart with denial. But in the end I knew it was futile. I couldn't escape the clutches of truth, at least not that way.
When I finally discarded the stretched mask of denial, now limp with overuse, I tried on a few others for size. I toyed with a few new tactics to lessen my burned heart, but it didn't matter what I did at all. What I said or did, or didn't say, or didn't do, nothing mattered at all! Because what was…was. And is. And will always be, and absolutely nothing anyone can do will change that! There is no hope for me at all, never was. I knew it all along too, and perhaps that was what hurt the most. Most have hope. I have none.
But can you really blame me? For someone like me, with so little optimism, no friends in the world… I don't blame myself. How could I resist? Every part of me ached for every part of you and how could I possibly resist? The pain in me saw the pain in you, and I wanted us heal each other. I wanted to cure your sadness, touch your soul, stroke your passion… I wanted to be your everything, and goddamn it if it didn't ruin me. Every bit of you made me scream inside, and I never could purge that from my system.
Your gentleness, your roughness, your grace, your inner strength, your fiery determination… I fell so fast I was certain I'd be killed on impact. But I have never stopped falling. Every whip of your taught, lean muscles is a barrage of physical lust. Every one of your quiet, thoughtful comments, soaked with hidden wisdom makes me yearn to be the blessed soul your words are directed at. Every shake of your beautiful head, every blink of your swimming eyes… every time you risk everything for the people you love…. it tears at me ten thousand times worse than anything ever could because you are so good.
And you never saw any of it. You never noticed the twinge of pain in my voice whenever I spoke to you, the longing in my gaze. You are blind to everything in the world except the heavenly creature that sits beside you. She is your anchor, your smile, your sun and moon and sky and your whole world. She means everything to you, and she means a lot to me too. But I feel my lungs rip out of my ribs to make way for my bursting heart every time I see the two of you. Neither of you knows a thing, because I refuse to show anyone. If I could only let my tears run their course down my cheeks, perhaps, perhaps, I could allow myself to love you in my heart, lock it away, smile, and wish you two well.
I see why you love her. She is a million dazzling stars, brilliantly illuminating the silken black sky. Her youthful naïveté, her angelic soul, her fighting spirit… such a beautiful, beautiful child, so delicate and radiant and invincible and everything I am not. She has been by your side through everything, will be in your heart until the end of time and beyond.
She is a goddess, and I am nothing. You are my everything, and she is your everything, and everyone thinks you are the perfect, blissful lovers. But what no one knows is that for every beautiful love story, there is another, much more heartbreaking tale… always there is a third.