The Naruto Fanfic of Doom By The Elvish Vamp

1: The Introduction of Doom

"Hey everyone!" Naruto yells, waving. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. In this fic, you will read about how great I am and how the beautiful Sakura-chan fell madly in love with me and how Sasuke kept screwing up and getting in everyone's way and…"

As Naruto continuously rambles, Sakura steps out in front of him. "Hello everyone! My name is Haruno Sakura. I would like to thank you all for reading this fan fiction. Before we begin with the story, there are a few things I must inform you of. First-"

"Hey! Sakura-chan!" Exasperated, Sakura glares back at Naruto as Inner Sakura silently curses him. Naruto, being as observant as he is, does not seem to notice her feelings. "Sakura-chan! What are doing? I thought I was supposed to do the intro!"

Sakura, still giving Naruto the death glare, decides to attempt to explain what Naruto couldn't possibly understand: that everything does not revolve around him.

"Naruto, I have been given a mission by Kakashi-sensei to take over the introduction of this fan fiction, because you are just rambling on and on about things that never even happened and at this rate there'll be no one left reading this by the time you finish the introduction." Sakura turns back to her audience, believing this to be satisfactory answer and convinced that Naruto has no way of arguing with her logic. "As I was saying, there are a few things I must inform you of before we begin the story. First–"

"But Sakura-chan, I'm supposed to do the intro!" Naruto whined.

"Damn it, Naruto, you're so annoying!" Sakura yells at him before again turning back to her audience. "Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, there are a few things I must inform you of before we begin the story."

First, this story may contain spoilers for the Naruto series. Please note that the author of this story has currently read up to chapter 206 of the manga and seen up episode 69 of the anime, so unless you have also gotten this far into series or you just don't care about spoilers, I would advise you not to read any further."

Second, this story is not meant to be serious, and as such, should not be taken seriously, so if you are looking for a dramatic Naruto fan fiction about how Sasuke suddenly realizes his feelings for me, abandons his search for power and revenge, helps all the other shinobi of Leaf village defeat Orochimaru, and marries me and we live happily ever after, I'm sorry to say you are reading the wrong fan fiction."

Finally, the author of this story does not own the Naruto series or any of its characters. If she did, she wouldn't be writing this in the first place. She also doesn't own Lord of the Rings, Invader Zim, or any other fandoms there may be references to throughout this fan fiction. You can sue her if you'd like, but you really won't get anything out of it. If you would like to flame her, please feel free to, as she finds flames amusing and has never had a flame of her very own."

"And now, let's begin the story!" Naruto cries.

Sakura glares at him. "Not yet you idiot! I only finished the disclaimer! I still have to tell them the warnings!"

Naruto cocks his head and blinks. "Warnings?"

Sakura sighs and, having chosen to ignore Naruto, again turns back to her audience. "Now there are a few things the author would like you to be warned of. Most of the content of this story are completely random, so don't be surprised if someone just pops up out of nowhere or something is said that makes absolutely no sense to anyone. Also, this fan fiction may include some OOCness and–"

"OOCness?" Naruto asks.

Sakura sighs. "OOC means out of character for those who may not be familiar with the term. Please keep in mind that any pairing is liable appear in this fan fiction at any time. Also, the author would like to thank all who contributed to this fan fiction." She pauses. "Well, I think that's everything, so we will now begin. I hope you all enjoy the story!"

"Yeah!" Naruto yells to the audience. "I'm gonna kick ass!"

"That's what you think," Sakura says, her voice unusually dark.

Naruto stares at her for a moment, seeming slightly disturbed by this sudden change in her behavior. "Sakura-chan…are you ok?"

Sakura turns to look at him as if he has lost his mind. "Why wouldn't I be ok?"

"Well, um, just now you were acting kind of weird."

Sakura shrugs. "It's as the author wishes." Naruto just stares at her as she walks away, a sticker stating "Uppers of leather and man-made materials" stuck to her back.