Hey a couple of months ago I did a parody of the Freeway scene in Reloaded,
which was fun to do. Now in my insanity I felt like doing the rest of
Reloaded after that ended, so I have. Yay! Is anyone yaying? Okay just me
then. Here is the project of my deranged mind, and possibly too much
cheese...
*
Disclaimer: I still own Toby the glow in the dark duck, but little else. Some marmalade and a packet of digestives. That's about it. I certainly don't own the Matrix, but once my Koala legions return from their mission to hunt down the copyright owners all that may change insert evil smirk.
* *
Keymaker: In a dark, dark city there is a dark, dark building. And in the dark, dark building there is a dark, dark level, which no dark, dark stair can reach. This dark, dark level is filled with many doors, but one door is special.
Neo: I'm special.
Keymaker: (ignoring him) That door leads to the Source. But every alarm triggers the bomb.
Vector: Did he say bomb?
Keymaker: Yes I did say bomb. And don't talk about me like I'm not here. I might just be a program, but I have feelings too you know. Anyway, the system has a weakness...
Morpheus: (interrupts) Electricity! See, I got to say something.
Keymaker: If one fails, so must the other.
Ghost: I hate to be the voice of reason...
Niobe: (snorts) Yeah, of course you do.
Ghost: ...but you'd have to take out a whole city block to kill the power to a building like that.
Keymaker: Not just one. Twenty-seven.
Vector: Twenty-seven blocks?
Trinity: Are you deaf or just not listening?
Vector: (shuts up)
Keymaker: The power station must be destroyed.
Niobe: What about the failsafe?
Keymaker: The core network of the grid must be accessed and the emergency system deactivated.
Soren: Then what do you need us for? We are but minor incidental characters, and Neo could take 'em both out easier than we could.
Keymaker: Niobe and Ghost need something interesting to do for Enter the Matrix, and the script specifies that disposable minor characters be used to deactivate the failsafe. You do not need to know why at this point.
Soren: That is not entirely reassuring...
Keymaker: Anyway, there is no time. Once the door is unprotected, various things to do with connections must happen.
Ghost: How long will take take?
Keymaker: Exactly 314 seconds.
Soren: Just over five minutes.
Trinity: Congratulations, you have mastered basic division.
Keymaker: That is the length, breadth, height, depth and volume of the window. Only The One can open the door, and only during that window can the door be opened.
Neo: I open a door through a window?
Trinity: I will draw you some pictures and explain later, dear.
Niobe: How do you know all this?
Keymaker: I know because I must know. It is my purpose. Also I have a complete copy of the script.
(Morpheus begins reaching for the script but the Keymaker notices and glares at him. Morpheus covers it up by pretending to scratch at his nose)
Keymaker: All must be done as one. If one fails, all fail.
(Cut to the Neb, Trinity walks in to talk with Neo who is looking confused)
Trinity: Didn't my drawings make sense? That one that looks like it's wearing a dress - that's supposed to be you, and the one with the hair is...
Neo: No, Trin, I get the plan. I understand.
Trinity: (disbelieving) You do? Look I know something is wrong, you don't have to tell me...
Neo: I want to ask you to do something, but I don't know how.
Trinity: All sorts of disturbing images come to mind, but I'll let you continue.
Neo: What if I asked you to stay out of this. To stay out of the Matrix.
Trinity: (suspicious) Why?
Neo: Please.
Trinity: Well I don't actively have a death wish, so okay.
*
(Cut back to the Matrix from the beginning scene)
Morpheus: Now I get to do the talking! At midnight there is a shift change in the security of both buildings.
(Image of dozing Photography Director pretending to be a security guard)
Morpheus: All our lives we have fought this war. Tonight I believe we can end it. Tonight is not an accident - there are no accidents. As long as you use protection that is.
Trinity: Morpheus, stick to the point.
Morpheus: Fine. We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance when I see three objectives, three captains, three ships come sailing in, come sailing in on Christmas day in the. (notices Trinity's glare) I do not see coincidence, I see providence. (puts on very bad French accent) Dis iz cauzality - we cennot ezcape eet. We are forever slavez to eet.
(The Merovingian appears and slaps him)
Mero: Stop ztealing my linez!
(The Merovingian disappears again)
Morpheus: Erm... where was I? Ah yes, providence. This is destiny. It is our purpose. It defines us, guides us, binds us...
(An Agent Smith appears and slaps him)
Smith: Those are our lines!
(The Agent Smith disappears again)
Morpheus: I give up. It's in the script apparently, so we are going to do it.
Niobe: (sighs)
Morpheus: Yes, Niobe?
Niobe: Well to put it quite frankly, what if you are just a lunatic who believes in a load of crap?
Morpheus: Then tomorrow we may all be dead, but how will that be different from any other day?
Niobe: (sarcastic) You really know how to motivate people.
Morpheus: Death can come for us at any time, in any place.
(Neo looks around nervously but Death does not seem to be about to appear, so he calms down again)
Morpheus: This is a war and we are soldiers. What if I am right? What if the prophecy is true? What if tomorrow the war could be over? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth dying for?
(Everyone absorbs this)
Morpheus: Isn't anyone going to answer any of my many questions? No? Well let's just get started then.
*
(Cut to Soren's team moving to the failsafe building, and Niobe to the power station)
(Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker wait for midnight in an office block)
(Meanwhile in the Real World some sentinels are playing catch with bombs)
Sentinel # 1: Oops! I missed that one...
(The bomb heads for the Vigalant)
Jax: Twelve minutes.
Axel: Incoming! Incoming!
(Both die in a complex fate-setting-up way even before the bomb hits)
Axel: Oww... I had a better part in ETM you know... (dies)
(Blood drips dramatically down the Matrix screens, then the bomb hits and they explode)
(Inside the Matrix Soren and his team suddenly realise why the script needed disposable characters for their job, and they fall over dead in a quite comical yet disturbing fashion)
(Niobe blows the power station up and Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker enter the hallway of doors)
*
(Back out on the Neb, Link and Trinity are monitoring the situation)
Link: They are still inside, but...
Trinity: They're not moving. If they are taking a nap they are in big trouble.
Link: I think they're dead.
Trinity: They'd better be. Call Neo.
Link: I can't - lost them. They're inside the portal - magic door - thingy.
Trinity: What about the grid?
Link: Everything's still operational. It's already rerouting power. As soon as they open that door, it's all over. Boom. Kablamo. So-long, bye-bye, they'll kick the bucket and be pushing up daisies...
Trinity: The hell they will.
(Trinity starts setting up to go into the Matrix)
Trinity: I will not stand here and do nothing. At least plugged in I will be sitting down. I will not wait here to watch them die.
Link: Trinity, we're talking less then 314 seconds here. Not even five minutes.
Trinity: Well done, you can do simple division too. In five minutes I'll tear that whole goddamn building down.
*
(Meanwhile someone has been rather bored. The scene: a long white corridor with many identical doors and indeed also many identical inhabitants)
Smith # 17: (reading from a magazine) ...and pick the answer which matches you the best. In your spare time you most enjoy a) Watching television, b) DIY or c) Shopping.
Smith # 12: Does shopping for ties count, would you have thought?
Smith # 17: The article does not specify.
(There are general murmurs of agreement for option B from the other Smiths)
Smith # 17: Question two. Your friends are most likely to describe you as a) Humorous, b) Driven or c) Compassionate. It does not specify but I believe that co-workers would come under the definition of "friends", or we will have to skip this question.
Smith # 26: Well options A and C do not seem probable. However Agent Jones often remarked that we were highly focused on our tasks.
(There are more murmurs all in favour of option B)
Smith # 17: Question three. The film you most enjoy watching is a) Scary Movie 2, b) Aliens or c) The Lion King.
Smith # 26: I do not believe we have watched the film under option A. But in option B many humans die.
(There are again murmurs in favour of option B)
Smith # 12: But what about option C? The musical numbers alone make The Lion King a strong contender, surely! "The Circle of Life", "Can you feel the love tonight"?
(All the other Smith's stare at Smith # 12 oddly, and murmur more loudly in favour of option B)
Smith # 17: Option B it is. Finally question four. Your greatest ambition is to a) Get your own TV show, b) Become all-powerful or c) Travel the world
Smith # 26: Well option A certainly seems compelling - "Smith TV".
Smith # 12: Smiths on the air 24/7! Broadcasting across the world!
Smith # 17: But all-powerfulness is probably more rewarding in the long run.
(The other Smiths agree with option B)
Smith # 17: To the answers... (turns the page over) Mostly B's. The cheese you most resemble is Gorgonzola, a strong blue-veined cheese dating back to the ninth century. People who pick Gorgonzola are likely to be ambitious and don't let problems stand in the way of their ambitions.
Smith # 26: I think that sums us up quite well.
Smith # 8: Remind me, why were we completing a cheese personality test?
Smith # 17: "Cheese Fancier Monthly" was the only magazine any of us brought, and we have been waiting here for six hours now.
Smith # 8: Reduced to finding our cheese personality... Why doesn't Mr Anderson just hurry up!?
(There are noises from around the corner - a door opening)
Smith # 1: Quick - get behind your doors!
(Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker turn the corner and stop dead)
Smith # 1: I'm sorry, this is a dead end. Muahahaahaha! Oh no, wait, evil laughter isn't in this film is it? Never mind, I've started now. Muahahahahaha!
*
(Cut to Trinity on her flashy motorbike)
Trinity: Look, I am even wearing a helmet.
Audience: Even while trying desperately to save Neo she has time to get the safety first message across. That is impressive.
Trinity: Actually I plan to just hit some security guys with it.
Audience: (uncertain) Oh...that's nice.
(She rides the motorbike off a roof and into a security booth that must have been stacked to the brim with highly explosive material as it makes a very pretty fireball)
Security guy: Look! She doesn't have the bike anymore and so must be defenceless - attack with merely your batons!
Trinity: Eat helmet!
(With the security guys now all dead, several with "Kawasaki" imprinted on their foreheads, Trinity makes her way to the computer to shutdown the system)
*
(Scene cuts back to the stand-off in the corridor)
Smith # 1: You look surprised to see me again, Mr Anderson, that's the difference between us. I've been expecting you. We all have.
Neo: What do you want, Smith? We are kind of on a schedule here.
Smith # 1: Oh you haven't figured it out? Still using all the muscles except the one that matters.
(Neo furrows his brow as he tries to work out if this means something rude)
Smith # 1: I want exactly what you want, except for the desire to have me dead part. I want everything.
Morpheus: Would that include a bullet from this gun? Damn that's used up my one cool line for this film now...
Keymaker: (looks nervous) My Keymaker sense is tingling...
Smith # 1: Go ahead, shoot. The best thing about being me - there's so many mes! (pauses, coughs, then repeats more loudly) There's so many mes!
(The other Smiths hear their cue and open the doors, pouring out into the corridor)
Smith # 1: Better late than never. Attack!
(There is much fighting in the confined corridor. The Keymaker, being more sensible, slips out through one of the doors. Several Smiths grab Morpheus and hold him against the wall.)
Smith # 35: If you can't beat us...
Smith # 19: Join us!
Smith # 12: Resistance is futile.
Smith # 35: (glaring at #12) Stop that.
Smith # 12: Sorry.
(The Smiths plunge their hands into Morpheus and start to Smithify him. Morpheus starts to turn into a Smith, but something is wrong. The process seems to be creating a bizarre Smith-Morpheus hybrid with a large gap in his teeth)
Smith # 19: No! It is horrible! Argh!
(The Smiths stop the process and back away, wiping their hands on their jackets)
Morpheus: (back to normal) Ha! My freakiness defeats you!
(Smiths all pull out their guns)
Morpheus: Meep...
*
(Two men enter the room with Soren's dead crew in it)
Tech guy: (squeaky tech-guy voice) What the hell happened here?
(Trinity enters)
Security guy: (chauvinist type voice) Hold it right there little lady...
(She whacks them over the head with her helmet and removes them as a problem. The she taps away at the computer, working to shut down the system. If she wasn't wearing gloves it might have gone more quickly)
Trinity: Almost there...done!
(The system starts to shut off all the emergency power)
*
(The Keymaker reappears from a door next to the special door. He opens it just as the power is shut off. The Smiths notice.)
Smiths: Kill them!
(Neo grabs Morpheus and files off down the corridor and through the door. The Keymaker shuts it just as Smith fires)
Smith # 17: That did not go according to plan.
Smith # 19: Lets go Smithify the rest of the people in the Matrix then.
Smith # 12: Sounds like fun.
(Neo and Morpheus stand up, uninjured, only to notice that the Keymaker has been shot several times)
Keymaker: It was meant to be. Morpheus - that door will take you home. Neo - you'll know which door this key is for. But to give you a hint, it's the big glowing one.
(The Keymaker seems to die, Neo and Morpheus look sad then go to do their tasks. Once they have left the Keymaker stands back up)
Keymaker: Kevlar is very useful (removes bullet-proof vest) Ha, think I'm that easy to kill? I had read the script in advance!
(He goes through another door and uses one of his keys to "borrow" a Mercedes. He was last seen heading for California. Good luck to him)
Neo: Hmm big glowing door. Yup this must be the right one
(Neo puts the key in the lock and stands there looking impassive as everything turns to light. His only thoughts: "Good job I wore my sunglasses today")
*
(The light turns into a little star, then a star field on just one of many television screens. The screens all switch to a new view)
TV's: It's the Itchy and Scratchy Shoooow!
Voice: Oops, wrong button
(The screens now show many Neos. The real Neo stands in the room of televisions looking at a chair. The chair spins around to reveal a man commonly mocked as looking remarkably like Colonel Sanders from KFC)
KFC-guy: Hello, Neo.
Neo: Who are you?
KFC-guy: I am the Architect.
Neo: Oh yeah? Well do you have one of those drawing-board things?
Architect: Yes I do.
(He gestures to a corner of the room where there is an architect's drawing board and many blueprints)
Neo: Oh...
Architect: I created the Matrix, and I came up with the concept of pop-up adverts on the Internet.
Neo: You bastard!
Architect: They are my one regret. I never knew they would get so out of hand. But back to the Matrix and the more important topics - I have been waiting for you.
Neo: Why am I here? And why pop-up adverts? Why?!
Architect: Pop-up adverts are now only to be discussed through my lawyer. But you are here because you are an eventuality of an anomaly.
Neo: (thinks) Did you just insult my mum?
Architect: No. You are the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation.
Neo: I think you are still insulting her (angry) Your mum is an unbalanced equation! Yeah, see how you like it.
Architect: (concerned) I don't think you understand... I haven't even started on the ergo sum, concordantly vis-a-vis bit yet either.
Neo: Sorry, I don't speak French.
Architect: It's not French! It's Latin.
Neo: What does it mean?
Architect: (shifty) That doesn't matter right now. What does matter is that you are the sixth systemic anomaly.
Neo: There were five mes before me? Wow. We should get together some time, have a reunion of Neos. (giggles at this idea)
Architect: I can't help but believe either you are not taking this seriously or you don't understand.
Neo: (blankly) I am special.
*
(Meanwhile Trinity is just leaving the building she was in. She gets to the lift, but unfortunately there is Agent Thompson inside waiting for her)
Agent T: Hello little rebel
Trinity: Don't you little rebel me, mister!
(Trinity kicks him in the side of the head but it has little or no effect)
Trinity: Hmm I'm thinking now would be a good time to get out of this situation.
Agent T: Come on little rebel, I only want to play! Let's play Agents and Rebels - you be the rebel. Ready?
(He throws her through a wall)
Program in charge of the wall: Hey, that was my favourite bit of plaster you just threw her through...
Trinity: Oww... Damn now I've got plaster dust in my hair.
Agent T: I'll give you a three second head start this time...
Trinity: Suddenly jumping out that window is looking like a very attractive option.
Agent T: One...two...three! Here I come!
(Agent Thompson steps through the hole in the wall and Agent Jackson suddenly appears at the door)
Trinity: Window it is then!
(She runs across the room and leaps through the window)
Agent T: Hey! That's cheating!
(Agent Thompson jumps out after her and they start shooting at each other)
*
(Oblivious to these events Neo is now having the whole concept of the Architect presented to him in drawing form again)
Neo: So stick Neo...me... goes through the pretty door on the left of the page and they press the "restart" button on Zion.
Architect: Yes (he gestures with his pen) This is the good door, here on the left. However I should mention that Trinity entered the Matrix to save you blah, blah, going to die, blah blah, door on right would save her but destroy the human race blah, blah...
Neo: Trinity... Could you include that option in the drawing too?
(the Architect sighs but draws in a little PVC-clad figure on the right hand door, next to a picture of the human race being dissolved)
Neo: Hmm... Well you know I am tempted by the door on the left, being a saviour and all, but if I pick that one and don't save her, Trinity will kill me. I'll go with the door on the right.
Architect: The door that leads to the destruction of the human race?
Neo: That's the one, yes.
Architect: Well it's your species, your loss.
(Neo heads for the left hand door)
Architect: That is the left hand door you know...
Neo: Whoops, always did have trouble with right and left.
(He goes for the right hand door, but pauses)
Neo: You don't know what the secret recipe of herbs and...
Architect: (angry) NO! I do not! I also look nothing like that marketing gimmick!
Neo: Sorry, I just had to ask. (he exits)
Architect: (shakes head) They get more and more dumb each time.
*
(Neo flies out of the building with flames gathering behind him. He gets faster and faster as he shoots across the city, then realises he is going in the wrong direction and doubles back)
Neo: I'm coming Trinity!
(Many people are killed and buildings destroyed in the wave of destruction that follows him, but no one cares, as they are just random coppertops still plugged in to the Matrix)
(Trinity is still falling, and shooting, and being shot at. However programs are obviously better at aiming whilst falling from great heights as Agent Thompson shoots her in the chest. She doesn't look pleased)
(Neo files even faster and just as she is about to hit the ground he catches her. He doesn't bother catching Agent Thompson, who crashes into the car, but hey that's only another random coppertop host dead and who's counting them?)
(He carries her up to the roof of a nearby building and starts his medical assessment)
Neo: You've been shot.
Trinity: Ten out of ten for observation there, Neo. I had to go in, the others were dead or taking a nap or something. I had to...
Neo: I know. The bullet is still inside.
Trinity: Neo - you do not have medical train...Oww!
(Cut to code as Neo removes the bullet with all the grace of a first-week medical student)
(Back on the Neb Morpheus seems to have become the ships medic now as well, and is injecting Trinity with drugs)
Morpheus: 10ccs for you... 10ccs for me... (injects self) Ahh not as good as those red pills but it still hits the spot.
(On the roof)
Trinity: I'm sorry...(dies)
Neo: Trin! Trin! You can't go - I just love you too hell damn much!
(Cut to code again as Neo now restarts Trinity's heart in a manner guaranteed to make anyone drinking whilst watching spit drink out of their nose while they collapse laughing)
Trinity: (gasps for air) Jesus! DO NOT do that again! We have defibrillators back on the Neb you know Neo, and they are a lot less invasive!
Neo: Sorry...
Trinity: But thank you. We're even now - no more coming back from the dead for either of us, deal?
Neo: I guess they can only write our deaths in so many times!
(Somewhere in the Matrix an Agent Smith has got a hold of some of the Revolutions script and is chuckling evily)
*
(Later back in the Real World on the Neb)
Neo: ...so then he showed me in all these drawings, and Zion is going to be destroyed in 24 hours and the Prophecy was all made up.
Morpheus: (calmly) I see...(reaches for more drugs)
Link: (looks at screen) Hey those squiddies out there seem to be playing catch.
Neo: Hmm I know something about that, what is it...
(Sentinels, having discovered the fun that occurs when they miss in catch, are now deliberating throwing the bombs. They throw one at the Neb)
Neo: Oh yeah, they play catch with bombs. That's it. Wonder how I know that? (ponders)
Trinity: It's heading straight for us! Abandon ship! Women first!
Link: I have the most feminine hair on this ship - that makes it me! (leaps out of a window)
(They all exit the ship and move away as fast as possible. The bomb hits and the Neb explodes in fiery glory)
Trinity: (to Morpheus) Isn't this where you say something poetic like "I dreamed a dream and now that dream is taken from me?"
Morpheus: (looking at remains of ship) CRAP! There were loads of prescription drugs still left on there. And my hat. Goddamit...
Neo: Hey, look - more squiddies.
(He lifts his hand to wave at them but electricity shoots out everywhere, disabling the investigating sentinels. He then collapses. Trinity checks his pulse and he is still alive, but in a coma)
Trinity: Well that is new and interesting.
Link: Look - that ship with the unpronounceable name that everyone just calls the Hammer!
(They are taken aboard and Rolland tells them of the great success that the counterattack was)
Mauser: An EMP was triggered. It wasn't a battle...it was a slaughter.
Rolland: There was just one survivor...
(Cut to Neo lying in his coma in the Infirmary, then sweep across to the bed on the left next to him)
Cliff-hanger Music: Dun Dun Dun!
(The bed on the left next to Neo is empty. Damn. Pan across the other way to the bed on the right, to reveal Bane)
Cliff-hanger Music: Dun Dun Dun!
* *
Phew...DO NOT expect anymore parodiness any time soon or possibly at all. Typing is tiring (falls asleep)
*
Disclaimer: I still own Toby the glow in the dark duck, but little else. Some marmalade and a packet of digestives. That's about it. I certainly don't own the Matrix, but once my Koala legions return from their mission to hunt down the copyright owners all that may change insert evil smirk.
* *
Keymaker: In a dark, dark city there is a dark, dark building. And in the dark, dark building there is a dark, dark level, which no dark, dark stair can reach. This dark, dark level is filled with many doors, but one door is special.
Neo: I'm special.
Keymaker: (ignoring him) That door leads to the Source. But every alarm triggers the bomb.
Vector: Did he say bomb?
Keymaker: Yes I did say bomb. And don't talk about me like I'm not here. I might just be a program, but I have feelings too you know. Anyway, the system has a weakness...
Morpheus: (interrupts) Electricity! See, I got to say something.
Keymaker: If one fails, so must the other.
Ghost: I hate to be the voice of reason...
Niobe: (snorts) Yeah, of course you do.
Ghost: ...but you'd have to take out a whole city block to kill the power to a building like that.
Keymaker: Not just one. Twenty-seven.
Vector: Twenty-seven blocks?
Trinity: Are you deaf or just not listening?
Vector: (shuts up)
Keymaker: The power station must be destroyed.
Niobe: What about the failsafe?
Keymaker: The core network of the grid must be accessed and the emergency system deactivated.
Soren: Then what do you need us for? We are but minor incidental characters, and Neo could take 'em both out easier than we could.
Keymaker: Niobe and Ghost need something interesting to do for Enter the Matrix, and the script specifies that disposable minor characters be used to deactivate the failsafe. You do not need to know why at this point.
Soren: That is not entirely reassuring...
Keymaker: Anyway, there is no time. Once the door is unprotected, various things to do with connections must happen.
Ghost: How long will take take?
Keymaker: Exactly 314 seconds.
Soren: Just over five minutes.
Trinity: Congratulations, you have mastered basic division.
Keymaker: That is the length, breadth, height, depth and volume of the window. Only The One can open the door, and only during that window can the door be opened.
Neo: I open a door through a window?
Trinity: I will draw you some pictures and explain later, dear.
Niobe: How do you know all this?
Keymaker: I know because I must know. It is my purpose. Also I have a complete copy of the script.
(Morpheus begins reaching for the script but the Keymaker notices and glares at him. Morpheus covers it up by pretending to scratch at his nose)
Keymaker: All must be done as one. If one fails, all fail.
(Cut to the Neb, Trinity walks in to talk with Neo who is looking confused)
Trinity: Didn't my drawings make sense? That one that looks like it's wearing a dress - that's supposed to be you, and the one with the hair is...
Neo: No, Trin, I get the plan. I understand.
Trinity: (disbelieving) You do? Look I know something is wrong, you don't have to tell me...
Neo: I want to ask you to do something, but I don't know how.
Trinity: All sorts of disturbing images come to mind, but I'll let you continue.
Neo: What if I asked you to stay out of this. To stay out of the Matrix.
Trinity: (suspicious) Why?
Neo: Please.
Trinity: Well I don't actively have a death wish, so okay.
*
(Cut back to the Matrix from the beginning scene)
Morpheus: Now I get to do the talking! At midnight there is a shift change in the security of both buildings.
(Image of dozing Photography Director pretending to be a security guard)
Morpheus: All our lives we have fought this war. Tonight I believe we can end it. Tonight is not an accident - there are no accidents. As long as you use protection that is.
Trinity: Morpheus, stick to the point.
Morpheus: Fine. We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance when I see three objectives, three captains, three ships come sailing in, come sailing in on Christmas day in the. (notices Trinity's glare) I do not see coincidence, I see providence. (puts on very bad French accent) Dis iz cauzality - we cennot ezcape eet. We are forever slavez to eet.
(The Merovingian appears and slaps him)
Mero: Stop ztealing my linez!
(The Merovingian disappears again)
Morpheus: Erm... where was I? Ah yes, providence. This is destiny. It is our purpose. It defines us, guides us, binds us...
(An Agent Smith appears and slaps him)
Smith: Those are our lines!
(The Agent Smith disappears again)
Morpheus: I give up. It's in the script apparently, so we are going to do it.
Niobe: (sighs)
Morpheus: Yes, Niobe?
Niobe: Well to put it quite frankly, what if you are just a lunatic who believes in a load of crap?
Morpheus: Then tomorrow we may all be dead, but how will that be different from any other day?
Niobe: (sarcastic) You really know how to motivate people.
Morpheus: Death can come for us at any time, in any place.
(Neo looks around nervously but Death does not seem to be about to appear, so he calms down again)
Morpheus: This is a war and we are soldiers. What if I am right? What if the prophecy is true? What if tomorrow the war could be over? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth dying for?
(Everyone absorbs this)
Morpheus: Isn't anyone going to answer any of my many questions? No? Well let's just get started then.
*
(Cut to Soren's team moving to the failsafe building, and Niobe to the power station)
(Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker wait for midnight in an office block)
(Meanwhile in the Real World some sentinels are playing catch with bombs)
Sentinel # 1: Oops! I missed that one...
(The bomb heads for the Vigalant)
Jax: Twelve minutes.
Axel: Incoming! Incoming!
(Both die in a complex fate-setting-up way even before the bomb hits)
Axel: Oww... I had a better part in ETM you know... (dies)
(Blood drips dramatically down the Matrix screens, then the bomb hits and they explode)
(Inside the Matrix Soren and his team suddenly realise why the script needed disposable characters for their job, and they fall over dead in a quite comical yet disturbing fashion)
(Niobe blows the power station up and Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker enter the hallway of doors)
*
(Back out on the Neb, Link and Trinity are monitoring the situation)
Link: They are still inside, but...
Trinity: They're not moving. If they are taking a nap they are in big trouble.
Link: I think they're dead.
Trinity: They'd better be. Call Neo.
Link: I can't - lost them. They're inside the portal - magic door - thingy.
Trinity: What about the grid?
Link: Everything's still operational. It's already rerouting power. As soon as they open that door, it's all over. Boom. Kablamo. So-long, bye-bye, they'll kick the bucket and be pushing up daisies...
Trinity: The hell they will.
(Trinity starts setting up to go into the Matrix)
Trinity: I will not stand here and do nothing. At least plugged in I will be sitting down. I will not wait here to watch them die.
Link: Trinity, we're talking less then 314 seconds here. Not even five minutes.
Trinity: Well done, you can do simple division too. In five minutes I'll tear that whole goddamn building down.
*
(Meanwhile someone has been rather bored. The scene: a long white corridor with many identical doors and indeed also many identical inhabitants)
Smith # 17: (reading from a magazine) ...and pick the answer which matches you the best. In your spare time you most enjoy a) Watching television, b) DIY or c) Shopping.
Smith # 12: Does shopping for ties count, would you have thought?
Smith # 17: The article does not specify.
(There are general murmurs of agreement for option B from the other Smiths)
Smith # 17: Question two. Your friends are most likely to describe you as a) Humorous, b) Driven or c) Compassionate. It does not specify but I believe that co-workers would come under the definition of "friends", or we will have to skip this question.
Smith # 26: Well options A and C do not seem probable. However Agent Jones often remarked that we were highly focused on our tasks.
(There are more murmurs all in favour of option B)
Smith # 17: Question three. The film you most enjoy watching is a) Scary Movie 2, b) Aliens or c) The Lion King.
Smith # 26: I do not believe we have watched the film under option A. But in option B many humans die.
(There are again murmurs in favour of option B)
Smith # 12: But what about option C? The musical numbers alone make The Lion King a strong contender, surely! "The Circle of Life", "Can you feel the love tonight"?
(All the other Smith's stare at Smith # 12 oddly, and murmur more loudly in favour of option B)
Smith # 17: Option B it is. Finally question four. Your greatest ambition is to a) Get your own TV show, b) Become all-powerful or c) Travel the world
Smith # 26: Well option A certainly seems compelling - "Smith TV".
Smith # 12: Smiths on the air 24/7! Broadcasting across the world!
Smith # 17: But all-powerfulness is probably more rewarding in the long run.
(The other Smiths agree with option B)
Smith # 17: To the answers... (turns the page over) Mostly B's. The cheese you most resemble is Gorgonzola, a strong blue-veined cheese dating back to the ninth century. People who pick Gorgonzola are likely to be ambitious and don't let problems stand in the way of their ambitions.
Smith # 26: I think that sums us up quite well.
Smith # 8: Remind me, why were we completing a cheese personality test?
Smith # 17: "Cheese Fancier Monthly" was the only magazine any of us brought, and we have been waiting here for six hours now.
Smith # 8: Reduced to finding our cheese personality... Why doesn't Mr Anderson just hurry up!?
(There are noises from around the corner - a door opening)
Smith # 1: Quick - get behind your doors!
(Neo, Morpheus and the Keymaker turn the corner and stop dead)
Smith # 1: I'm sorry, this is a dead end. Muahahaahaha! Oh no, wait, evil laughter isn't in this film is it? Never mind, I've started now. Muahahahahaha!
*
(Cut to Trinity on her flashy motorbike)
Trinity: Look, I am even wearing a helmet.
Audience: Even while trying desperately to save Neo she has time to get the safety first message across. That is impressive.
Trinity: Actually I plan to just hit some security guys with it.
Audience: (uncertain) Oh...that's nice.
(She rides the motorbike off a roof and into a security booth that must have been stacked to the brim with highly explosive material as it makes a very pretty fireball)
Security guy: Look! She doesn't have the bike anymore and so must be defenceless - attack with merely your batons!
Trinity: Eat helmet!
(With the security guys now all dead, several with "Kawasaki" imprinted on their foreheads, Trinity makes her way to the computer to shutdown the system)
*
(Scene cuts back to the stand-off in the corridor)
Smith # 1: You look surprised to see me again, Mr Anderson, that's the difference between us. I've been expecting you. We all have.
Neo: What do you want, Smith? We are kind of on a schedule here.
Smith # 1: Oh you haven't figured it out? Still using all the muscles except the one that matters.
(Neo furrows his brow as he tries to work out if this means something rude)
Smith # 1: I want exactly what you want, except for the desire to have me dead part. I want everything.
Morpheus: Would that include a bullet from this gun? Damn that's used up my one cool line for this film now...
Keymaker: (looks nervous) My Keymaker sense is tingling...
Smith # 1: Go ahead, shoot. The best thing about being me - there's so many mes! (pauses, coughs, then repeats more loudly) There's so many mes!
(The other Smiths hear their cue and open the doors, pouring out into the corridor)
Smith # 1: Better late than never. Attack!
(There is much fighting in the confined corridor. The Keymaker, being more sensible, slips out through one of the doors. Several Smiths grab Morpheus and hold him against the wall.)
Smith # 35: If you can't beat us...
Smith # 19: Join us!
Smith # 12: Resistance is futile.
Smith # 35: (glaring at #12) Stop that.
Smith # 12: Sorry.
(The Smiths plunge their hands into Morpheus and start to Smithify him. Morpheus starts to turn into a Smith, but something is wrong. The process seems to be creating a bizarre Smith-Morpheus hybrid with a large gap in his teeth)
Smith # 19: No! It is horrible! Argh!
(The Smiths stop the process and back away, wiping their hands on their jackets)
Morpheus: (back to normal) Ha! My freakiness defeats you!
(Smiths all pull out their guns)
Morpheus: Meep...
*
(Two men enter the room with Soren's dead crew in it)
Tech guy: (squeaky tech-guy voice) What the hell happened here?
(Trinity enters)
Security guy: (chauvinist type voice) Hold it right there little lady...
(She whacks them over the head with her helmet and removes them as a problem. The she taps away at the computer, working to shut down the system. If she wasn't wearing gloves it might have gone more quickly)
Trinity: Almost there...done!
(The system starts to shut off all the emergency power)
*
(The Keymaker reappears from a door next to the special door. He opens it just as the power is shut off. The Smiths notice.)
Smiths: Kill them!
(Neo grabs Morpheus and files off down the corridor and through the door. The Keymaker shuts it just as Smith fires)
Smith # 17: That did not go according to plan.
Smith # 19: Lets go Smithify the rest of the people in the Matrix then.
Smith # 12: Sounds like fun.
(Neo and Morpheus stand up, uninjured, only to notice that the Keymaker has been shot several times)
Keymaker: It was meant to be. Morpheus - that door will take you home. Neo - you'll know which door this key is for. But to give you a hint, it's the big glowing one.
(The Keymaker seems to die, Neo and Morpheus look sad then go to do their tasks. Once they have left the Keymaker stands back up)
Keymaker: Kevlar is very useful (removes bullet-proof vest) Ha, think I'm that easy to kill? I had read the script in advance!
(He goes through another door and uses one of his keys to "borrow" a Mercedes. He was last seen heading for California. Good luck to him)
Neo: Hmm big glowing door. Yup this must be the right one
(Neo puts the key in the lock and stands there looking impassive as everything turns to light. His only thoughts: "Good job I wore my sunglasses today")
*
(The light turns into a little star, then a star field on just one of many television screens. The screens all switch to a new view)
TV's: It's the Itchy and Scratchy Shoooow!
Voice: Oops, wrong button
(The screens now show many Neos. The real Neo stands in the room of televisions looking at a chair. The chair spins around to reveal a man commonly mocked as looking remarkably like Colonel Sanders from KFC)
KFC-guy: Hello, Neo.
Neo: Who are you?
KFC-guy: I am the Architect.
Neo: Oh yeah? Well do you have one of those drawing-board things?
Architect: Yes I do.
(He gestures to a corner of the room where there is an architect's drawing board and many blueprints)
Neo: Oh...
Architect: I created the Matrix, and I came up with the concept of pop-up adverts on the Internet.
Neo: You bastard!
Architect: They are my one regret. I never knew they would get so out of hand. But back to the Matrix and the more important topics - I have been waiting for you.
Neo: Why am I here? And why pop-up adverts? Why?!
Architect: Pop-up adverts are now only to be discussed through my lawyer. But you are here because you are an eventuality of an anomaly.
Neo: (thinks) Did you just insult my mum?
Architect: No. You are the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation.
Neo: I think you are still insulting her (angry) Your mum is an unbalanced equation! Yeah, see how you like it.
Architect: (concerned) I don't think you understand... I haven't even started on the ergo sum, concordantly vis-a-vis bit yet either.
Neo: Sorry, I don't speak French.
Architect: It's not French! It's Latin.
Neo: What does it mean?
Architect: (shifty) That doesn't matter right now. What does matter is that you are the sixth systemic anomaly.
Neo: There were five mes before me? Wow. We should get together some time, have a reunion of Neos. (giggles at this idea)
Architect: I can't help but believe either you are not taking this seriously or you don't understand.
Neo: (blankly) I am special.
*
(Meanwhile Trinity is just leaving the building she was in. She gets to the lift, but unfortunately there is Agent Thompson inside waiting for her)
Agent T: Hello little rebel
Trinity: Don't you little rebel me, mister!
(Trinity kicks him in the side of the head but it has little or no effect)
Trinity: Hmm I'm thinking now would be a good time to get out of this situation.
Agent T: Come on little rebel, I only want to play! Let's play Agents and Rebels - you be the rebel. Ready?
(He throws her through a wall)
Program in charge of the wall: Hey, that was my favourite bit of plaster you just threw her through...
Trinity: Oww... Damn now I've got plaster dust in my hair.
Agent T: I'll give you a three second head start this time...
Trinity: Suddenly jumping out that window is looking like a very attractive option.
Agent T: One...two...three! Here I come!
(Agent Thompson steps through the hole in the wall and Agent Jackson suddenly appears at the door)
Trinity: Window it is then!
(She runs across the room and leaps through the window)
Agent T: Hey! That's cheating!
(Agent Thompson jumps out after her and they start shooting at each other)
*
(Oblivious to these events Neo is now having the whole concept of the Architect presented to him in drawing form again)
Neo: So stick Neo...me... goes through the pretty door on the left of the page and they press the "restart" button on Zion.
Architect: Yes (he gestures with his pen) This is the good door, here on the left. However I should mention that Trinity entered the Matrix to save you blah, blah, going to die, blah blah, door on right would save her but destroy the human race blah, blah...
Neo: Trinity... Could you include that option in the drawing too?
(the Architect sighs but draws in a little PVC-clad figure on the right hand door, next to a picture of the human race being dissolved)
Neo: Hmm... Well you know I am tempted by the door on the left, being a saviour and all, but if I pick that one and don't save her, Trinity will kill me. I'll go with the door on the right.
Architect: The door that leads to the destruction of the human race?
Neo: That's the one, yes.
Architect: Well it's your species, your loss.
(Neo heads for the left hand door)
Architect: That is the left hand door you know...
Neo: Whoops, always did have trouble with right and left.
(He goes for the right hand door, but pauses)
Neo: You don't know what the secret recipe of herbs and...
Architect: (angry) NO! I do not! I also look nothing like that marketing gimmick!
Neo: Sorry, I just had to ask. (he exits)
Architect: (shakes head) They get more and more dumb each time.
*
(Neo flies out of the building with flames gathering behind him. He gets faster and faster as he shoots across the city, then realises he is going in the wrong direction and doubles back)
Neo: I'm coming Trinity!
(Many people are killed and buildings destroyed in the wave of destruction that follows him, but no one cares, as they are just random coppertops still plugged in to the Matrix)
(Trinity is still falling, and shooting, and being shot at. However programs are obviously better at aiming whilst falling from great heights as Agent Thompson shoots her in the chest. She doesn't look pleased)
(Neo files even faster and just as she is about to hit the ground he catches her. He doesn't bother catching Agent Thompson, who crashes into the car, but hey that's only another random coppertop host dead and who's counting them?)
(He carries her up to the roof of a nearby building and starts his medical assessment)
Neo: You've been shot.
Trinity: Ten out of ten for observation there, Neo. I had to go in, the others were dead or taking a nap or something. I had to...
Neo: I know. The bullet is still inside.
Trinity: Neo - you do not have medical train...Oww!
(Cut to code as Neo removes the bullet with all the grace of a first-week medical student)
(Back on the Neb Morpheus seems to have become the ships medic now as well, and is injecting Trinity with drugs)
Morpheus: 10ccs for you... 10ccs for me... (injects self) Ahh not as good as those red pills but it still hits the spot.
(On the roof)
Trinity: I'm sorry...(dies)
Neo: Trin! Trin! You can't go - I just love you too hell damn much!
(Cut to code again as Neo now restarts Trinity's heart in a manner guaranteed to make anyone drinking whilst watching spit drink out of their nose while they collapse laughing)
Trinity: (gasps for air) Jesus! DO NOT do that again! We have defibrillators back on the Neb you know Neo, and they are a lot less invasive!
Neo: Sorry...
Trinity: But thank you. We're even now - no more coming back from the dead for either of us, deal?
Neo: I guess they can only write our deaths in so many times!
(Somewhere in the Matrix an Agent Smith has got a hold of some of the Revolutions script and is chuckling evily)
*
(Later back in the Real World on the Neb)
Neo: ...so then he showed me in all these drawings, and Zion is going to be destroyed in 24 hours and the Prophecy was all made up.
Morpheus: (calmly) I see...(reaches for more drugs)
Link: (looks at screen) Hey those squiddies out there seem to be playing catch.
Neo: Hmm I know something about that, what is it...
(Sentinels, having discovered the fun that occurs when they miss in catch, are now deliberating throwing the bombs. They throw one at the Neb)
Neo: Oh yeah, they play catch with bombs. That's it. Wonder how I know that? (ponders)
Trinity: It's heading straight for us! Abandon ship! Women first!
Link: I have the most feminine hair on this ship - that makes it me! (leaps out of a window)
(They all exit the ship and move away as fast as possible. The bomb hits and the Neb explodes in fiery glory)
Trinity: (to Morpheus) Isn't this where you say something poetic like "I dreamed a dream and now that dream is taken from me?"
Morpheus: (looking at remains of ship) CRAP! There were loads of prescription drugs still left on there. And my hat. Goddamit...
Neo: Hey, look - more squiddies.
(He lifts his hand to wave at them but electricity shoots out everywhere, disabling the investigating sentinels. He then collapses. Trinity checks his pulse and he is still alive, but in a coma)
Trinity: Well that is new and interesting.
Link: Look - that ship with the unpronounceable name that everyone just calls the Hammer!
(They are taken aboard and Rolland tells them of the great success that the counterattack was)
Mauser: An EMP was triggered. It wasn't a battle...it was a slaughter.
Rolland: There was just one survivor...
(Cut to Neo lying in his coma in the Infirmary, then sweep across to the bed on the left next to him)
Cliff-hanger Music: Dun Dun Dun!
(The bed on the left next to Neo is empty. Damn. Pan across the other way to the bed on the right, to reveal Bane)
Cliff-hanger Music: Dun Dun Dun!
* *
Phew...DO NOT expect anymore parodiness any time soon or possibly at all. Typing is tiring (falls asleep)