Title: Home
Author: Anni
Email: asleeper@email.arizona.edu
Summary: Post ep fic for I Shall Believe.
Disclaimer: I am poor. I own nothing. It is very sad.
Notes: I've been working on this since the night the ep aired, and I've just barely finished it. I believe that redefines the phrase slow writer. Anyway, as I did start and stop it so much, the theme I had at the beginning wasn't quite what I was working for at the end. I hope that doesn't make the story feel jerky, but my apologies if it does. Also, this is unbetaed, so please forgive any mistakes. I'm not too good at the proofreading.
Another Note: Even though I don't completely like the story, I want to dedicate it to Mara because I probably wouldn't have finished it without her encouragement and without the inspiration that her story is. She is beyond awesome.
--------------------------------
She could feel his hand solid on the small of her back as they walked up the path toward her front porch. Neither had spoken a word since they'd left the hospital, and while she didn't know that she had the strength to talk it all out just then, the silence was starting to weigh against her shoulders.
There had just been too much in such a short amount of time. It was like one of those mini whirlwinds that would kick up on really windy summer days, tossing around dust and grass and anything else in its way. And then, as quickly as it started, it would stop, just dropping everything to land where it may.
Well, that's what the last few days had been for Haley. That gust of wind had swirled its way into her life the minute she'd seen Lucas and Peyton kissing in the library, and it had dropped her flat on her ass as she collapsed into her best friend's arms. Now, the pieces were everywhere and she didn't even know where to start in putting them back together.
Things like this didn't happen to Haley James. They just didn't. She didn't have fights with her best friend and she didn't have boyfriends that were just using her and she didn't almost lose one of the most important people in her life. Those things happened to other people, but never to her.
She was their rock; she'd never needed anyone to be that for her.
They stopped in front of her door, and she turned slightly toward him, not sure how to finish off this night, but so ready for it to end. She wanted nothing more than to close her bedroom door, to shut out the world, and to sleep a deep and dreamless night.
Haley looked up at Nathan through the blanket of her eyelashes. The goodnight froze in the back of her throat as he leaned close, the expanse of his torso pressing against her arm, and reached around her to open the front door. His fingers slid up the length of her spine to settle between her shoulder blades and push ever so lightly to guide her into the house.
Nathan stepped into the living room after her and turned to shut the door as quietly as possible. Haley wanted to stop him, to tell him that she wasn't ready to face him, that she just wanted to sleep, but the words wouldn't pass her lips. Pressing against her back again, he lead them toward the stairs, taking each step carefully, having already memorized which spots could creak loudly enough under his weight to wake her parents.
They walked into her room together, Nathan letting his hand drop from her back for the first time since they'd gotten out of the car as he turned to flip the light on and close the door. Haley surveyed her room, the last three days washing over her, intensifying that exhaustion that rippled across her body and through her limbs.
She was just so tired.
It felt like it had been days since she'd slept. The previous week, her nights were plagued by visions of basketball and the downfall of her GPA by PE of all things. The ridiculousness of that fear had rolled into the nightmare that she might never know the closeness of her best friend again, that she might have heard him call her Hales for the last time, rumpling her hair and smiling at her behind twinkling blue eyes.
It was finally over, and Haley just needed to sleep.
She felt Nathan as he came up to stand behind her, and she knew that she needed to say something to him, knew that he was waiting for her to make the next move, but she didn't know where to start.
His hands settled on her shoulders and gently turned her to face him. Haley kept her eyes trained on the front of his jacket, not wanting to look up and see those deep blue eyes. She'd had too much emotion that night. She couldn't deal with his.
Nathan's hands smoothed across her collarbone, around her neck, and up to cup her jaw in his big palms. She could feel his thumb tracing a path along her cheek, and it took her a minute, but she realized that he was rubbing away the tracks her earlier tears had left behind. The calluses that had formed from years of hard work scraped over her skin, sending involuntary shivers shooting down her spine. His touch always seemed to have that effect on her.
The heels of his hands pushed lightly on her chin, urging her to look up at him, but she resisted. There were always questions in Nathan's eyes. There was always some sort of need, for her acceptance, for her reassurance, for her. And most of the time, she loved that need. She loved the fact that she was needed, wanted, as a friend, as a partner, as a woman.
But tonight, she felt as though that need could suffocate her if she let it.
The pressure persisted, and Haley finally let her eyes rise toward his.
Over the past few months, she had memorized the planes of his face. The sharp jut of his cheekbones, the straight line of his nose, the tiny cleft in his chin, the slight pout of his bottom lip. She knew the way the his eyebrows would draw down when he was angry, the way his forehead would wrinkle when he was upset, and the way his mouth would curve when he was happy.
But, as she looked at him now, she couldn't classify the expression on his face into any of those categories. His gaze was open, his clear blues eyes staring at her with that quiet intensity, but the questions, the need, had faded into something she couldn't quite place.
Nathan took one step closer, crowding even more into her space, and leaned down to lay a soft kiss on the curve of her cheek. Her eyes fluttered closed at the contact, her body already conditioned to associate his touch with pleasure.
But this was different.
Her hands came up to lightly grip his forearms as he pulled back to gaze down at her again. Haley's eyes scanned his face, searching for that change, letting herself truly look at him for the first time since she'd told him to leave her bedroom just two days before.
There were the same sharp cheekbones, straight nose, pouty lips, but written into the features that she had committed to memory was a new kind of need. Hidden behind a touch she had come to crave was a new sort of desire. This wasn't about pleasure.
It was about comfort.
Haley could see it in his eyes and feel it in the stroke of his thumb across her cheek. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted her to let him be there for her. He wanted to be her home the way that he had made his home in her.
She felt the tears spring back up into her eyes as her breath caught in the back of her throat. "I'm sorry," she choked out, not sure what else she could say to him.
His eyebrows shot up in surprise before dropping back down, his forehead wrinkling in confusion. After a second, his expression cleared and he simply shook his head, leaning down to press his lips against hers.
Her grip on his forearms tightened, crinkling the material of his jacket, as his mouth rested over hers. His fingertips were warm and gentle against her skin, and she was taken back to that night just over a month ago when they had sat in her room together and he sought to find that relief in her.
Nathan drew back, his hands dropping from her face. Haley wanted to stop him, to keep her grip on his arms, to ask him to hold her, but once again, she couldn't find the words. She could only look up at him from beneath her eyelashes, waiting to see what he would do next.
His gaze stayed on her face a moment longer before dropping down. Her eyes followed his as he reached forward and began unbuttoning her pea coat, from the top to the bottom. She watched his long fingers manipulate each button, focusing on the small mole on the third knuckle of his left hand and then, the callous that had formed on the outside of his pointer finger from the way that he held a pen.
He guided the coat off of her shoulders and down her arms, then turned to drape it over the back of her computer chair. Giving her a small, encouraging smile, his hands set out to work on the buttons of her sweater, and soon, that too was tossed aside.
Haley looked up at him curiously as he ran his hands down the length of her now bare arms and leaned over to drop a kiss on her forehead. Nathan stepped forward, leading her toward the bed, then, bending down, he swept the array of throw pillows off onto the ground, and turned down her comforter. His fingers encircled her wrist and pulled her to the edge of her bed, directing her to sit down. He knelt before her, grasping first her left ankle and working loose the laces of her boot.
Haley felt as though she were moving through a dream; unsure of what the outcome would be and no way of gaining control. She could simply watch him as he lead her, hoping and trusting that he would make it all right, that he wouldn't let her break.
She had told him once, at the beginning, that nothing he could say or do would surprise her, but time and time again, throughout the course of their relationship, he'd proved her wrong. Tonight, he had proved her wrong. What he'd done for her in going to see Lucas, in getting her to finally see him, was nothing short of amazing, and she knew that after the way that she'd reacted toward him, she didn't deserve it, but he'd gone nonetheless.
After her fight with Lucas, after the way their friendship had been deteriorating over the recent months, she'd been so afraid that they would never be the same again, and in all the worrying over the possibility of losing her best friend, she'd never realized how close she'd come to losing Nathan as well, and it scared her how much that thought scared her.
She was Haley James, and Haley James didn't have boyfriends and boys that could break her heart.
But, she thought as he pulled her second boot off and a dropped it next to the first, she knew Nathan better than that, and regardless of what he had done before they met, there were no lies between them now.
He stood up then, guiding her to lie down and pulling the blankets up to tuck her in. She rolled over onto her side and watched as he backed away from the bed.
This was it, her chance to sleep, her chance to let him leave and to drop off into that dreamless night that she'd been craving for days, but the fear that in a few seconds he would be gone rolled in the pit of her stomach.
"Nathan."
He paused at her whisper, looking down at her with that hope shining in his eyes. She started to smile at him, but stopped as he simply nodded and started toward the door.
Haley wanted to call out to him again, to make him come back and hold her like she needed him to, like his actions had been promising her all night. He reached the door, but instead of leaving, she heard the snap of the lock and then the room fell into darkness as he flipped the light off.
She couldn't stop the sigh of relief that passed between her lips as he headed back toward her. She heard the rush of his zipper, and then the rustle of his jacket as he shrugged it off and dropped it on the back of her chair. Through the light of her window, she watched his silhouette as he toed off his sneakers, leaving them next to her discarded boots. His socked feet padded around her bed, and the mattress dipped beneath his weight.
Haley leaned into him as he spooned around her, letting his arms wrap around her torso and pulling her back so that she could feel every inch of his torso pressed against her body. She could feel his breath against her cheek as his nose nuzzled her ear and he dropped a single kiss on the corner of her jaw.
And in that safe circle of his embrace, she let the tension and the worry and all of the problems fall away as the rise and fall of his chest lulled her to a peaceful sleep.
Author: Anni
Email: asleeper@email.arizona.edu
Summary: Post ep fic for I Shall Believe.
Disclaimer: I am poor. I own nothing. It is very sad.
Notes: I've been working on this since the night the ep aired, and I've just barely finished it. I believe that redefines the phrase slow writer. Anyway, as I did start and stop it so much, the theme I had at the beginning wasn't quite what I was working for at the end. I hope that doesn't make the story feel jerky, but my apologies if it does. Also, this is unbetaed, so please forgive any mistakes. I'm not too good at the proofreading.
Another Note: Even though I don't completely like the story, I want to dedicate it to Mara because I probably wouldn't have finished it without her encouragement and without the inspiration that her story is. She is beyond awesome.
--------------------------------
She could feel his hand solid on the small of her back as they walked up the path toward her front porch. Neither had spoken a word since they'd left the hospital, and while she didn't know that she had the strength to talk it all out just then, the silence was starting to weigh against her shoulders.
There had just been too much in such a short amount of time. It was like one of those mini whirlwinds that would kick up on really windy summer days, tossing around dust and grass and anything else in its way. And then, as quickly as it started, it would stop, just dropping everything to land where it may.
Well, that's what the last few days had been for Haley. That gust of wind had swirled its way into her life the minute she'd seen Lucas and Peyton kissing in the library, and it had dropped her flat on her ass as she collapsed into her best friend's arms. Now, the pieces were everywhere and she didn't even know where to start in putting them back together.
Things like this didn't happen to Haley James. They just didn't. She didn't have fights with her best friend and she didn't have boyfriends that were just using her and she didn't almost lose one of the most important people in her life. Those things happened to other people, but never to her.
She was their rock; she'd never needed anyone to be that for her.
They stopped in front of her door, and she turned slightly toward him, not sure how to finish off this night, but so ready for it to end. She wanted nothing more than to close her bedroom door, to shut out the world, and to sleep a deep and dreamless night.
Haley looked up at Nathan through the blanket of her eyelashes. The goodnight froze in the back of her throat as he leaned close, the expanse of his torso pressing against her arm, and reached around her to open the front door. His fingers slid up the length of her spine to settle between her shoulder blades and push ever so lightly to guide her into the house.
Nathan stepped into the living room after her and turned to shut the door as quietly as possible. Haley wanted to stop him, to tell him that she wasn't ready to face him, that she just wanted to sleep, but the words wouldn't pass her lips. Pressing against her back again, he lead them toward the stairs, taking each step carefully, having already memorized which spots could creak loudly enough under his weight to wake her parents.
They walked into her room together, Nathan letting his hand drop from her back for the first time since they'd gotten out of the car as he turned to flip the light on and close the door. Haley surveyed her room, the last three days washing over her, intensifying that exhaustion that rippled across her body and through her limbs.
She was just so tired.
It felt like it had been days since she'd slept. The previous week, her nights were plagued by visions of basketball and the downfall of her GPA by PE of all things. The ridiculousness of that fear had rolled into the nightmare that she might never know the closeness of her best friend again, that she might have heard him call her Hales for the last time, rumpling her hair and smiling at her behind twinkling blue eyes.
It was finally over, and Haley just needed to sleep.
She felt Nathan as he came up to stand behind her, and she knew that she needed to say something to him, knew that he was waiting for her to make the next move, but she didn't know where to start.
His hands settled on her shoulders and gently turned her to face him. Haley kept her eyes trained on the front of his jacket, not wanting to look up and see those deep blue eyes. She'd had too much emotion that night. She couldn't deal with his.
Nathan's hands smoothed across her collarbone, around her neck, and up to cup her jaw in his big palms. She could feel his thumb tracing a path along her cheek, and it took her a minute, but she realized that he was rubbing away the tracks her earlier tears had left behind. The calluses that had formed from years of hard work scraped over her skin, sending involuntary shivers shooting down her spine. His touch always seemed to have that effect on her.
The heels of his hands pushed lightly on her chin, urging her to look up at him, but she resisted. There were always questions in Nathan's eyes. There was always some sort of need, for her acceptance, for her reassurance, for her. And most of the time, she loved that need. She loved the fact that she was needed, wanted, as a friend, as a partner, as a woman.
But tonight, she felt as though that need could suffocate her if she let it.
The pressure persisted, and Haley finally let her eyes rise toward his.
Over the past few months, she had memorized the planes of his face. The sharp jut of his cheekbones, the straight line of his nose, the tiny cleft in his chin, the slight pout of his bottom lip. She knew the way the his eyebrows would draw down when he was angry, the way his forehead would wrinkle when he was upset, and the way his mouth would curve when he was happy.
But, as she looked at him now, she couldn't classify the expression on his face into any of those categories. His gaze was open, his clear blues eyes staring at her with that quiet intensity, but the questions, the need, had faded into something she couldn't quite place.
Nathan took one step closer, crowding even more into her space, and leaned down to lay a soft kiss on the curve of her cheek. Her eyes fluttered closed at the contact, her body already conditioned to associate his touch with pleasure.
But this was different.
Her hands came up to lightly grip his forearms as he pulled back to gaze down at her again. Haley's eyes scanned his face, searching for that change, letting herself truly look at him for the first time since she'd told him to leave her bedroom just two days before.
There were the same sharp cheekbones, straight nose, pouty lips, but written into the features that she had committed to memory was a new kind of need. Hidden behind a touch she had come to crave was a new sort of desire. This wasn't about pleasure.
It was about comfort.
Haley could see it in his eyes and feel it in the stroke of his thumb across her cheek. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted her to let him be there for her. He wanted to be her home the way that he had made his home in her.
She felt the tears spring back up into her eyes as her breath caught in the back of her throat. "I'm sorry," she choked out, not sure what else she could say to him.
His eyebrows shot up in surprise before dropping back down, his forehead wrinkling in confusion. After a second, his expression cleared and he simply shook his head, leaning down to press his lips against hers.
Her grip on his forearms tightened, crinkling the material of his jacket, as his mouth rested over hers. His fingertips were warm and gentle against her skin, and she was taken back to that night just over a month ago when they had sat in her room together and he sought to find that relief in her.
Nathan drew back, his hands dropping from her face. Haley wanted to stop him, to keep her grip on his arms, to ask him to hold her, but once again, she couldn't find the words. She could only look up at him from beneath her eyelashes, waiting to see what he would do next.
His gaze stayed on her face a moment longer before dropping down. Her eyes followed his as he reached forward and began unbuttoning her pea coat, from the top to the bottom. She watched his long fingers manipulate each button, focusing on the small mole on the third knuckle of his left hand and then, the callous that had formed on the outside of his pointer finger from the way that he held a pen.
He guided the coat off of her shoulders and down her arms, then turned to drape it over the back of her computer chair. Giving her a small, encouraging smile, his hands set out to work on the buttons of her sweater, and soon, that too was tossed aside.
Haley looked up at him curiously as he ran his hands down the length of her now bare arms and leaned over to drop a kiss on her forehead. Nathan stepped forward, leading her toward the bed, then, bending down, he swept the array of throw pillows off onto the ground, and turned down her comforter. His fingers encircled her wrist and pulled her to the edge of her bed, directing her to sit down. He knelt before her, grasping first her left ankle and working loose the laces of her boot.
Haley felt as though she were moving through a dream; unsure of what the outcome would be and no way of gaining control. She could simply watch him as he lead her, hoping and trusting that he would make it all right, that he wouldn't let her break.
She had told him once, at the beginning, that nothing he could say or do would surprise her, but time and time again, throughout the course of their relationship, he'd proved her wrong. Tonight, he had proved her wrong. What he'd done for her in going to see Lucas, in getting her to finally see him, was nothing short of amazing, and she knew that after the way that she'd reacted toward him, she didn't deserve it, but he'd gone nonetheless.
After her fight with Lucas, after the way their friendship had been deteriorating over the recent months, she'd been so afraid that they would never be the same again, and in all the worrying over the possibility of losing her best friend, she'd never realized how close she'd come to losing Nathan as well, and it scared her how much that thought scared her.
She was Haley James, and Haley James didn't have boyfriends and boys that could break her heart.
But, she thought as he pulled her second boot off and a dropped it next to the first, she knew Nathan better than that, and regardless of what he had done before they met, there were no lies between them now.
He stood up then, guiding her to lie down and pulling the blankets up to tuck her in. She rolled over onto her side and watched as he backed away from the bed.
This was it, her chance to sleep, her chance to let him leave and to drop off into that dreamless night that she'd been craving for days, but the fear that in a few seconds he would be gone rolled in the pit of her stomach.
"Nathan."
He paused at her whisper, looking down at her with that hope shining in his eyes. She started to smile at him, but stopped as he simply nodded and started toward the door.
Haley wanted to call out to him again, to make him come back and hold her like she needed him to, like his actions had been promising her all night. He reached the door, but instead of leaving, she heard the snap of the lock and then the room fell into darkness as he flipped the light off.
She couldn't stop the sigh of relief that passed between her lips as he headed back toward her. She heard the rush of his zipper, and then the rustle of his jacket as he shrugged it off and dropped it on the back of her chair. Through the light of her window, she watched his silhouette as he toed off his sneakers, leaving them next to her discarded boots. His socked feet padded around her bed, and the mattress dipped beneath his weight.
Haley leaned into him as he spooned around her, letting his arms wrap around her torso and pulling her back so that she could feel every inch of his torso pressed against her body. She could feel his breath against her cheek as his nose nuzzled her ear and he dropped a single kiss on the corner of her jaw.
And in that safe circle of his embrace, she let the tension and the worry and all of the problems fall away as the rise and fall of his chest lulled her to a peaceful sleep.