stupid girl, rated pg-13. nanami-centric (garbage challenge). series-set. 548 words.
(a million lies to sell yourself is all you ever had)
I was so stupid.
I never thought that it was possible that he wasn't my brother, after all. Why should I think that? Everyone who ever looked at us knew completely that we were brother and sister, simply because there was nobody else like us in the school. Nobody as intelligent, as witty, as stylish and as perfect. We were both these things, and so of course it made perfect sense that we were two roses from the same perfect blooming bush. Only a brother and sister could be this way, after all.
Still, I knew even then…back when I believed that we were from the same dreaming fairytale place…that I wasn't made all those things just because I was born that way. He brought them all out in me, made them real, made me real. Until then everything inside me was hidden, sleeping like some forgotten beauty in some rotting tower. My brother made me beautiful, and he made me real…and I loved him for it. Loved him so much.
You can see that, in these photos that I brought from home (the place I cannot go now because he is still there!) the love that I felt for my brother. It's everywhere…in the way my little hand clutches his, in the way I smile only at him, in the way you can little flickers of me – strands of hair, ribbon, a stray foot or hand – in pictures that were only supposed to be of him. I was attached to him, like a limpet…or one of those shells that attach to those big ships that cross the ocean. They go everywhere, those ships, to all the places where normal people can not live…fantastic places out in the middle of the sea. My brother can do that, you know…I always just held on tight so I could go the same places.
I thought that maybe I could have gone to those places by myself, but I never wanted to. I always only wanted something if I could share it with my brother. Now I know…now I know that I can't go to those magical places myself at all.
I'm not his sister. He's not my brother. I am nothing special. I pretended for so many years not knowing it was all based on a lie, and I just…
I want to rip up all these photos and scatter them to the sky outside this borrowed bedroom window, the sky that looks so totally empty even with all the stars stuck up in it. It's so high up, this tower – I have no idea how that Himemiya girl and Tenjou Utena sleep up here. Actually, I don't know how they even live in this tower…it's so dark, so creepy, so…
But then, Himemiya and her brother probably like it. They're brother and sister, after all…you can tell, because they're just the same.
Not like my brother and me…not that he's really my brother. Why can't I stop calling him that? Why can't I just…stop it? Why am I so stuck on something when I know I should let it go? Why can't I just stop loving him because he's not my brother at all…?!
I am a type B who gets stuck on things.
I am still so stupid.