A/N: Here we go again! Another dose of good old Abby angst!!!!! Hope you
all enjoy! Sorry it's been a little while but I'm back now ready to keep
you updated ASAP!
A big shout out to all my reviewers!! You are what keep this story being
updated! Thank you so much! Keep it up! I'm kinda pleased with this
chappie, but if you don't I want to know why, but if you love it I also
want to know!
I've used three different songs in this chapter. In order:
Dido/Honestly okay. Lifehouse/Somewhere in between and David Gray/Freedom
So enjoy and remember to review!!!! ; D
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This has to be the worst thing about being pregnant, morning sickness, it's the fourth day this week I've felt absolutely awful. I make my way to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water, after collecting the post I sit back at my dining table. Nothing interesting, no letters, just a bill and some advertising, great. It's times like these I feel kinda lonely, I mean I'm used to being quite dependent on myself, but not having Carter around on these early mornings, not waking up together, not arguing over what we should have for breakfast, all those stupid little things that meant so much but now have been reduced to near distant memories. I stand up, a little too fast as my head rushes and I feel a bit dizzy, but once I've 'recovered' I make my way to my bedroom to get ready for another day of work at county.
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I just want to feel safe in my own skin; I just want to be happy again I just want to feel deep in my own world But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel so lost so frightened But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore I just want to feel safe in my own arms, I just want to be happy again
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But why was it when I walked into the ER this morning, I felt as if everyone was staring at me? I don't look pregnant at all yet, or maybe that's because my tops are getting baggier? I felt, when I walked past admit, Chuny and Haleh watched me walk all the way into the lounge, and when I got to the lounge Pratt asked how I was then swiftly left. Do I have big zit on my nose or something have I grown an extra head? It didn't make much sense till I had given Mrs Peterson her new IV, and I went to the nurses station to collect another chart did I notice a crowd of most of the doctors and nurses around the desk, or rather a person. A person. The thought echoed round my head again and again. A person. THE person. The only person it could have been today. John Carter. He's back. Shit, why didn't I check my calendar today? Did I not register what date the guy on the radio said when it went off at half five? Here I am on the corner by the wall where the hall comes into where admit is. I fall sideways and lean against it. No one has noticed me yet, thank god, and personally I don't want anyone too. I stare watching them for what seems like hours, someone tapping my shoulder knocks me out of my trance.
"Abby?"
Elizabeth Corday
"Oh.... hi" I say standing straight
"You okay?" she asks looking at me straight in the eye as if knowing something I don't
"Yea, just fine" I smile pathetically
"I better get back to my patient" I state quickly walking off, I suddenly feel kinda ill...again.
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I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't And I cannot stop pacing Give me a few hours and I'll have this thing sorted out If my mind would just stop racing I cannot stand still I can't be this unsturdy this cannot be happening This is over my head but underneath my feet Because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat And everything will be back to the way it was I wish it were just that easy
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I head straight to the ladies room and lock myself in a stall. I lean against the door. God all I ever seem to do is lean, I can't seem to stand up without tiring myself out and I'm only what, not even two months pregnant! I breathe deeply for a few minutes and the sickness passes, thank goodness, I don't think I could of coped with that, seeing how this day is turning out. I let myself out and I nearly have the scare of my life.
"Susan!" I exclaim immediately putting up a facade of 'perfectly happy Abby, nothing is going to get in my way today Abby'
"How's your day been today then?" she asks as if she doesn't know 'he's' here either, but she does, she was right there talking to him.
"Fine actually, easy patients, no traumas...yet" I add going to the sink and washing my hands, although I don't need to.
"I was treating a little girl this morning called Loretta she was only five, she was lovely but," she stops mid sentence noticing how I've stopped washing my hands but watching the water run down the plug and taking deep breaths
"You okay?"
"Would everyone stop asking me that?! It must be the most frequently asked 'Abby question'" I say frustrated,
There's an uneasy silence.
"You've seen him?" she asks
"Only seen him, not spoken, mind you his fan club was surrounding him so I couldn't get a glimpse of 'adventure doctor'. I say sarcastically, turning off the tap with such force I swear I nearly heard it scream.
"Abby don't say that' Susan crosses her arms and looks at me sympathetically
"Susan, don't, just don't, I don't need reminding that half of my life has returned to haunt me okay?!" I sigh
"It was going to happen one day," she adds unhelpfully
"Yeah, and that day I would of been prepared, and today's not that day"
"I'm just looking out for you"
"I know you are, just,...just..... I can do this, someway somehow just let me do it by myself, I will get through to him weather it be today tonight or tomorrow just I'll do it in my own time, and I don't need reminding about it"
I feel kinda mean just having said all that; it's kind of screwing all that 'I'm a friend, that shoulder to cry on' stuff up. I look at her as if sealing what I just said like a promise and I leave heading back out into what know has turned into a heaving mass of people. So much for saying I was having an easy day.
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I am waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow And I am somewhere in between what is real and is just a dream Would you catch me if I fall down from what I fell in Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again I don't want to run away from this I know that I just don't need this
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xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX xXxXx
Break, one of the most important parts of my working day. Today I decided that the roof would be my hideout. After grabbing my bottle of water (no caffeine because of the baby...see I'm being good about this!) I made my way to the elevator; weirdly after the sudden influx of people this mid-morning no one was inside it. But it was quite a relief. I stood in the corner letting the odd sensation my stomach flipping over as the elevator lurched upwards.
A sudden rush of cold air hit me as I stepped out. I went to the edge of the roof and leaned over the edge. Holding onto the side I wondered what it would be like to be able to fly, stupid really it's not like I'm planning on jumping, but who would miss me if I did? Susan most definitely would, maybe the rest of the ER 'gang'. My mom, Eric would probably. I wonder if, well he would miss me, Carter. But what would he feel if we never resolved this. If he suddenly died today and we never even fixed this I know I would feel absolutely destroyed, I mean just because we've basically spilt up, doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, because I do and I always will. But would he feel the same way? Would it make him realised what he threw away? He was the one who pushed me away and made this the way this is.
Thinking about this grim subject makes me recoil from over edge and for me to gaze at the buzzing Chicago city. It's beautiful really, the late winter early spring sun casting a watery haze over the many blocks, skyscrapers, offices and buildings. I feel like spreading my arms out and screaming, just to let all this frustration out let the world share this annoyance I have. Instead I place my hands on my tiny bump.
"You little baby are gonna come into a very torn up world...but maybe in seven months time life will be a little better.........you can only hope" I whisper
I sigh and look at my watch, time to go back for another four hours. Oh my god. I have just noticed the weirdest thing. I'm wearing my watch on the inside of my wrist, just like him. Maybe its just loose and fallen round...no, maybe I put it on this way this morning? I really can't remember, but whatever I take it off and return it back to its original position on top of my wrist. Love really does make you do crazy things.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX xXxXx
Well, that has to fixed on fate. Four hours, millions of patients two traumas and I haven't seen him! I'm kinda glad too. I apologised to Susan as she left today, I think she understands and hasn't taken it personally, which I suppose is a good thing and I haven't lost her over this. She has to be the world's best best friend. How I will ever repay her is gonna take allot of thinking.
I finish up with my last patient, a mother with her 18-month-old baby that has a chest infection. It kinda made me smile because soon that might be me with the baby. But then my smile kinda disappeared because the father suddenly appeared from no-where with a little four-year-old girl with cute little plaits. The perfect white picket fence with a house and a dog type family. Why can't I be like that? It's every girls dream right? But somehow I don't think my dream will ever come true.
I head to the lounge discarding of my gloves and putting the chart in the rack on the desk. Saying night to Randi I go and collect my things from my locker.
"Hey Chen" I smile at her reading something at the table
"Hey" she replies. Okay, so me and Jing-mei have never really got on very well, maybe on those girls nights out but otherwise not really, but I share the time of day with her and it's not so bad.
"Doing anything tonight?" she asks
"I have a date with my couch" I say
She laughs a little
"Well enjoy" she waves and heads out the door.
I finish putting my coat on and grab my purse. Shutting my locker I head out myself. I go and sign out and as I turn to go out the swinging door I hear my name being called. Shit shit shit. I close my eyes, my hand on the door about to push it open. Okay... why know why just when my evening was looking up, why know in front of the whole ER where I could most likely break down and be noticed I can't do this. I go through the door going unnoticed to my name being called over and over like an echo buzzing round my head. As the automatic doors slide out of my way I see his reflection in the glass. He's behind me.
"Abby"
That's my name don't overuse it
"Oh.....hi" I say innocently looking at the ground
"How are you?" He asks chasing after me, as I'm not stopping walking briskly out of the ambulance bay.
How am I? What a stupid thing to say? What does he think after leaving me like that? Hang on....stop...Abby think back to what you were thinking when Susan came round your house......
" I know that an adult mature conversation with us will turn into a blazing row, him or I walking out, or on the other hand I'll totally say something wrong, the first thing that comes into my head and then I'll blow it all."
I stop walking and turn around to find him standing in the middle of the sidewalk his arms at his side defeated by my silence. I open my mouth; I think...how am I? Honestly, I'm pregnant, I'm single, and I'm coping...just...
"I'm doing okay" I say whether he heard was another matter
I think he did hear me...
"Do you want to meet up sometime?"
I walk toward him so I don't have to shout, or at least that's what I feel he's doing just to make me listen.
"Um...err.... yea tomorrow sometime?" I feel as though I'm 10 years old talking to the principal after being told off, I'm whispering every word
I think he seems to notice, I'm feeling kinda awkward. This never used to happen between us, the awkward silences the forced conversation what's gone wrong?
"Look.." his eyes stray away from my own.
"Abby I'm sorry for everything. I."
"Carter. Stop... don't...... don't start, I don't need this, I don't want to hear it now, I have enough on my plate as it is with this, do you think I want it all at once, just lets take this a step at a time, give me time. I'm having to adjust to too much at the moment right now..., just can we talk about this tomorrow, please"
I feel as though I'm pleading with him maybe I am, but I just can't take any of this right now. If only he had met me in a different way, at a different time it would of been better
"Abby, I just want us to be okay"
He's pushing this way too much, he's changed...
"Carter..."
He looks at me; his eyes seem to burn into me as if searching for my feelings
"Leave it for tomorrow"
And with that I turn away and head out of the bay and I cross the busy road to the other side where everything looks just like it did yesterday,....
I wish it were yesterday.
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Take your eyes off me There's nothing left to see Just trying to keep my head together And as we make our vow Let us remember how There's nothing good that lasts forever
Time out on the running boards We're running Through a world that's lost it's meaning Trying to find a way to love This running Ain't no kind of freedom
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This has to be the worst thing about being pregnant, morning sickness, it's the fourth day this week I've felt absolutely awful. I make my way to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water, after collecting the post I sit back at my dining table. Nothing interesting, no letters, just a bill and some advertising, great. It's times like these I feel kinda lonely, I mean I'm used to being quite dependent on myself, but not having Carter around on these early mornings, not waking up together, not arguing over what we should have for breakfast, all those stupid little things that meant so much but now have been reduced to near distant memories. I stand up, a little too fast as my head rushes and I feel a bit dizzy, but once I've 'recovered' I make my way to my bedroom to get ready for another day of work at county.
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I just want to feel safe in my own skin; I just want to be happy again I just want to feel deep in my own world But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel so lost so frightened But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore I just want to feel safe in my own arms, I just want to be happy again
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But why was it when I walked into the ER this morning, I felt as if everyone was staring at me? I don't look pregnant at all yet, or maybe that's because my tops are getting baggier? I felt, when I walked past admit, Chuny and Haleh watched me walk all the way into the lounge, and when I got to the lounge Pratt asked how I was then swiftly left. Do I have big zit on my nose or something have I grown an extra head? It didn't make much sense till I had given Mrs Peterson her new IV, and I went to the nurses station to collect another chart did I notice a crowd of most of the doctors and nurses around the desk, or rather a person. A person. The thought echoed round my head again and again. A person. THE person. The only person it could have been today. John Carter. He's back. Shit, why didn't I check my calendar today? Did I not register what date the guy on the radio said when it went off at half five? Here I am on the corner by the wall where the hall comes into where admit is. I fall sideways and lean against it. No one has noticed me yet, thank god, and personally I don't want anyone too. I stare watching them for what seems like hours, someone tapping my shoulder knocks me out of my trance.
"Abby?"
Elizabeth Corday
"Oh.... hi" I say standing straight
"You okay?" she asks looking at me straight in the eye as if knowing something I don't
"Yea, just fine" I smile pathetically
"I better get back to my patient" I state quickly walking off, I suddenly feel kinda ill...again.
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I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't And I cannot stop pacing Give me a few hours and I'll have this thing sorted out If my mind would just stop racing I cannot stand still I can't be this unsturdy this cannot be happening This is over my head but underneath my feet Because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat And everything will be back to the way it was I wish it were just that easy
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I head straight to the ladies room and lock myself in a stall. I lean against the door. God all I ever seem to do is lean, I can't seem to stand up without tiring myself out and I'm only what, not even two months pregnant! I breathe deeply for a few minutes and the sickness passes, thank goodness, I don't think I could of coped with that, seeing how this day is turning out. I let myself out and I nearly have the scare of my life.
"Susan!" I exclaim immediately putting up a facade of 'perfectly happy Abby, nothing is going to get in my way today Abby'
"How's your day been today then?" she asks as if she doesn't know 'he's' here either, but she does, she was right there talking to him.
"Fine actually, easy patients, no traumas...yet" I add going to the sink and washing my hands, although I don't need to.
"I was treating a little girl this morning called Loretta she was only five, she was lovely but," she stops mid sentence noticing how I've stopped washing my hands but watching the water run down the plug and taking deep breaths
"You okay?"
"Would everyone stop asking me that?! It must be the most frequently asked 'Abby question'" I say frustrated,
There's an uneasy silence.
"You've seen him?" she asks
"Only seen him, not spoken, mind you his fan club was surrounding him so I couldn't get a glimpse of 'adventure doctor'. I say sarcastically, turning off the tap with such force I swear I nearly heard it scream.
"Abby don't say that' Susan crosses her arms and looks at me sympathetically
"Susan, don't, just don't, I don't need reminding that half of my life has returned to haunt me okay?!" I sigh
"It was going to happen one day," she adds unhelpfully
"Yeah, and that day I would of been prepared, and today's not that day"
"I'm just looking out for you"
"I know you are, just,...just..... I can do this, someway somehow just let me do it by myself, I will get through to him weather it be today tonight or tomorrow just I'll do it in my own time, and I don't need reminding about it"
I feel kinda mean just having said all that; it's kind of screwing all that 'I'm a friend, that shoulder to cry on' stuff up. I look at her as if sealing what I just said like a promise and I leave heading back out into what know has turned into a heaving mass of people. So much for saying I was having an easy day.
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I am waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow And I am somewhere in between what is real and is just a dream Would you catch me if I fall down from what I fell in Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again I don't want to run away from this I know that I just don't need this
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xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX xXxXx
Break, one of the most important parts of my working day. Today I decided that the roof would be my hideout. After grabbing my bottle of water (no caffeine because of the baby...see I'm being good about this!) I made my way to the elevator; weirdly after the sudden influx of people this mid-morning no one was inside it. But it was quite a relief. I stood in the corner letting the odd sensation my stomach flipping over as the elevator lurched upwards.
A sudden rush of cold air hit me as I stepped out. I went to the edge of the roof and leaned over the edge. Holding onto the side I wondered what it would be like to be able to fly, stupid really it's not like I'm planning on jumping, but who would miss me if I did? Susan most definitely would, maybe the rest of the ER 'gang'. My mom, Eric would probably. I wonder if, well he would miss me, Carter. But what would he feel if we never resolved this. If he suddenly died today and we never even fixed this I know I would feel absolutely destroyed, I mean just because we've basically spilt up, doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, because I do and I always will. But would he feel the same way? Would it make him realised what he threw away? He was the one who pushed me away and made this the way this is.
Thinking about this grim subject makes me recoil from over edge and for me to gaze at the buzzing Chicago city. It's beautiful really, the late winter early spring sun casting a watery haze over the many blocks, skyscrapers, offices and buildings. I feel like spreading my arms out and screaming, just to let all this frustration out let the world share this annoyance I have. Instead I place my hands on my tiny bump.
"You little baby are gonna come into a very torn up world...but maybe in seven months time life will be a little better.........you can only hope" I whisper
I sigh and look at my watch, time to go back for another four hours. Oh my god. I have just noticed the weirdest thing. I'm wearing my watch on the inside of my wrist, just like him. Maybe its just loose and fallen round...no, maybe I put it on this way this morning? I really can't remember, but whatever I take it off and return it back to its original position on top of my wrist. Love really does make you do crazy things.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX xXxXx
Well, that has to fixed on fate. Four hours, millions of patients two traumas and I haven't seen him! I'm kinda glad too. I apologised to Susan as she left today, I think she understands and hasn't taken it personally, which I suppose is a good thing and I haven't lost her over this. She has to be the world's best best friend. How I will ever repay her is gonna take allot of thinking.
I finish up with my last patient, a mother with her 18-month-old baby that has a chest infection. It kinda made me smile because soon that might be me with the baby. But then my smile kinda disappeared because the father suddenly appeared from no-where with a little four-year-old girl with cute little plaits. The perfect white picket fence with a house and a dog type family. Why can't I be like that? It's every girls dream right? But somehow I don't think my dream will ever come true.
I head to the lounge discarding of my gloves and putting the chart in the rack on the desk. Saying night to Randi I go and collect my things from my locker.
"Hey Chen" I smile at her reading something at the table
"Hey" she replies. Okay, so me and Jing-mei have never really got on very well, maybe on those girls nights out but otherwise not really, but I share the time of day with her and it's not so bad.
"Doing anything tonight?" she asks
"I have a date with my couch" I say
She laughs a little
"Well enjoy" she waves and heads out the door.
I finish putting my coat on and grab my purse. Shutting my locker I head out myself. I go and sign out and as I turn to go out the swinging door I hear my name being called. Shit shit shit. I close my eyes, my hand on the door about to push it open. Okay... why know why just when my evening was looking up, why know in front of the whole ER where I could most likely break down and be noticed I can't do this. I go through the door going unnoticed to my name being called over and over like an echo buzzing round my head. As the automatic doors slide out of my way I see his reflection in the glass. He's behind me.
"Abby"
That's my name don't overuse it
"Oh.....hi" I say innocently looking at the ground
"How are you?" He asks chasing after me, as I'm not stopping walking briskly out of the ambulance bay.
How am I? What a stupid thing to say? What does he think after leaving me like that? Hang on....stop...Abby think back to what you were thinking when Susan came round your house......
" I know that an adult mature conversation with us will turn into a blazing row, him or I walking out, or on the other hand I'll totally say something wrong, the first thing that comes into my head and then I'll blow it all."
I stop walking and turn around to find him standing in the middle of the sidewalk his arms at his side defeated by my silence. I open my mouth; I think...how am I? Honestly, I'm pregnant, I'm single, and I'm coping...just...
"I'm doing okay" I say whether he heard was another matter
I think he did hear me...
"Do you want to meet up sometime?"
I walk toward him so I don't have to shout, or at least that's what I feel he's doing just to make me listen.
"Um...err.... yea tomorrow sometime?" I feel as though I'm 10 years old talking to the principal after being told off, I'm whispering every word
I think he seems to notice, I'm feeling kinda awkward. This never used to happen between us, the awkward silences the forced conversation what's gone wrong?
"Look.." his eyes stray away from my own.
"Abby I'm sorry for everything. I."
"Carter. Stop... don't...... don't start, I don't need this, I don't want to hear it now, I have enough on my plate as it is with this, do you think I want it all at once, just lets take this a step at a time, give me time. I'm having to adjust to too much at the moment right now..., just can we talk about this tomorrow, please"
I feel as though I'm pleading with him maybe I am, but I just can't take any of this right now. If only he had met me in a different way, at a different time it would of been better
"Abby, I just want us to be okay"
He's pushing this way too much, he's changed...
"Carter..."
He looks at me; his eyes seem to burn into me as if searching for my feelings
"Leave it for tomorrow"
And with that I turn away and head out of the bay and I cross the busy road to the other side where everything looks just like it did yesterday,....
I wish it were yesterday.
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Take your eyes off me There's nothing left to see Just trying to keep my head together And as we make our vow Let us remember how There's nothing good that lasts forever
Time out on the running boards We're running Through a world that's lost it's meaning Trying to find a way to love This running Ain't no kind of freedom
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