I slam the door. I seem to be taking it out on everything. My coat is
strewn over the couch my purse hits the floor with an unsatisfying thud, I
go into the kitchen. I rest my hands on the counter and seeing an empty
envelope from this morning I pick it up and rip it into a thousand pieces
scattering them all over the floor I watch them float down like snow. I
place my head in my hands and sigh. This is all so totally screwed up. I
knew it would be, it must be fluke, it happens all the time, if I think bad
things they always seem to happen.
My hands flop down to my sides and I look around aimlessly. The phone catches my eye. I do something I haven't in ages... I call my mom.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello?"
"Maggie?"
"Abby?!"
"Yea"
"Oh my gosh hello, how are you? I haven't spoken to you in ages!" she exclaims
"Um actually that's why I'm calling" I admit outright.
"Aw sweetie what's up?"
"God where do I start" I sigh
"That bad huh?"
"Well..."
I tell her all about the 'restaurant night' how it all went wrong and when she called just when I had found the ring. Then I went on to Eric being found then carter's Grandmother dieing at the same time, the mess and confusion we got into then. Then I go into the funeral and Eric messing it up, Carter turning kind of frosty against me then blocking me out for the whole week then suddenly I find out about his sudden change of heart to go to the Congo. I tell her all about that, Then I finally tell her about the day I bought the test three days after he left. Those three days were the worst. I seemed to vanish into my own oblivion.
".... I was feeling ill and had all the classic symptoms, I didn't want to believe it"
"So you took the pregnancy test?" she asks kinda eagerly"
"Yea..."
"And..."
"It was positive"
I have to hold the receiver away from she's shrieking joyfully
"Mom!.... Mom! Calm down" I laugh
"I'm gonna be a grandmother!" She laughs happily down the phone
"You are" I smile. Why has this phone call really cheered me up?
"When's it due?"
"Um about October time"
"Oh my this is brilliant! But why are you so upset with it?"
"I'm not upset about being pregnant, a little scared, but overall looking forward to a little baby arriving." I say trying also to convince myself. I think, though I'm definitely warming up to the idea of this new change.
"But..." I add
"Mmm"
"He came back to work today"
"Oh dear"
"I spent the whole day trying to avoid him, I did successfully...until I was leaving"
"And" its sounds like moms waiting for the cliffhanger of the latest of her favourite soap.
"He asked how I was, I nearly snapped, I told him the truth, I'm doing fine.... He then asked to meet me tomorrow...I said yes, and he stayed silent, I assumed he was finished, so I began to walk away...you following?" The other end has gone very quiet.
"Yes dear I am" She replies quickly
"Anyway..." I draw a deep breath... why are my eyes burning?
"He said...He said he wanted to make this better, he wanted us to be okay to make sure"
"Oh" she gasps
"But I totally broke. I couldn't take it mom I didn't need it. Seeing him that morning with everyone round him, not seeming to bother about me..." I sniff rubbing my nose. Don't cry...just don't cry.
"I told him to leave it for tomorrow, he tried to get an answer out of me...mom he's changed...changed so much"
"Ssshh sweetie don't worry" mom soothes
"I walked away. Why? Why did I do that? It makes him so angry when I walk away"
"Abby, he was pushing you, there was nothing wrong with you walking away"
I sigh, puffing my cheeks out I brush away an invisible tear...to my mom, not to me.
"What do I do?" I ask helplessly
"Go speak to him tomorrow, take it one step at a time, be patient and don't get frustrated...It's hard but It's the only way the make it work without you blowing it. I know how much you want to get back with him how ever much you try deny it"
"Do I tell him about the baby?"
"Not tomorrow..one step at a time okay?"
I can't actually believe this; I'm getting advice from my mom!
"Thanks...thank you so much...I'm sorry I'm spilling this out on you"
"Don't worry that's what I'm here for"
"Yea" I smile
"Anyway Abby sweetie, I have to go, I'm meeting up with Fiona in half and hour"
"Fiona?" I ask, this sounds kinda weird
"Yea my neighbour... we're going shopping"
"Sounds like fun" I say
"Yea...but Abby it will be fine okay, just be patient, it will turn out fine in the end. And remember I'm always here for you to talk to so don't just sit in the dark."
"Thank you so much" I say and for the first time I really do mean it.
"Thank you for making me a grandmother!"
"Call you soon"
"Bye sweetie"
"Bye"
I press the little button and the line goes dead. I'm plunged into a deadly silence. I'm sick of this I'm sick of living in a world of unhappiness, I'm pregnant for goodness sake nearly everything in my life is going okay all I want to sort is Carter and me. I want to make it work, not just because of the baby and the fact he will want absolutely everything to do with he or she when it's born but for me I can't keep living in the balance. I need to no if we are still together or not.
I get up. I can't stand the quiet anymore., I go to my Hi-Fi and find one of my favourite albums. I put it on and turn it up loud. And I mean really load I swear the bass is making the floor vibrate. Oh who cares about the neighbours?! This doesn't happen very often! I get up and begin to spin around, okay I'm beginning to get a little dizzy but I don't care. I'm dancing to the fast rocky beat; it's kinda stress relieving in a weird way. I get so into my dancing the music pounding in my ears I totally ignore the phone ringing persistently, the answer phone going off and the words of
"Hi it's just me, Carter um...you must be busy I'll call back later"
I totally forgot, that with my phone you can absolutely everything that's happening in the background, so he could hear that I'm in, and not answering the phone...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------
In a way I love EL journeys. Why?...I don't know but I just love staring out of the window and watching the city rush by, even more so at this time in the morning because at every stop a different person leaves and a different person comes on. Just the way it happens so fast, like it's been sped up.
When I step off, I walk the couple of blocks to county; I grab bagel from the little stand and make my way in. Odd, It's really quiet; I've probably jinxed the day now but hell. I say hi to frank who's busy making his origami swans and go into the lounge.
I knew it would go anything like yesterday; well of course it wouldn't because as the door silently slams shut behind me...
"Hey"
"Oh hey" I smile.
Oh shit...I feel my cheeks immediately redden, I go to my locker and put my stuff inside it.
After a long silence he speaks...
"We still on?" he asks, but I can hint nervousness in his voice
That could mean so many different things, but I choose the fact that he asked me to meet at break sometime today...
"Um...yea...I'm have break at eleven thirty"
I go to the counter staring at the coffee maker...god; no surely cravings don't happen this early on in pregnancy?
"Meet at twelve at doc's....ah no it um..."
"At Starbuck's" I interrupt him. I hear him stand up
"Okay" he says. I can just see the odd look on his face as I continue to stare at the coffee maker.
"You okay?"
"Um...yea" I say turning around a little too fast and my head rushes
"You got some coffee craving?" he asks a small smile on his lips...god I hate this.
"As a matter of fact.... yes I have" There's no harm in saying that.... it's the truth... sort of...
"Um...Carter, I kinda have to...um I like started five minutes ago"
"Oh right okay then"
And without saying anything else I make a swift exit. I hate it, I hate it so much. That was so forced, so fake, it's like we're preparing for the inevitable, the end, but just making it worse now. What the hell it's going to be like later I dread to imagine.
"Abby!" weaver hollers
"Hello?" I turn round
"Double MVA 5 minutes out front" she yells down the corridor
Oh just great a brilliant way to start a worsening day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------
"Does you mommy know your here" I ask a little 5 year old boy sitting on the gurney
"Janice went to call her" he replies
"Janice?"
"My sister"
"Oh okay" I smile
"Now let's just see what's wrong with you then" I take my stethoscope and listen to his chest, apparently he's been coughing pretty badly.
"That's cold," he laughs
"It'll warm up, now can you breathe in for me"
"Janice!" he shouts
"Hey buster!" she comes up and gives him a hug.
"Mommy's on her way okay?"
She says this half looking at me
"Good"
"Now can you sit still and breathe in again for me?" I ask again
"Okay"
I finish all the things I have to do and I stand up.
"Janice," I ask
"Yea" she says looking up from Scott"
"Your Mom? Is she here yet?"
"She should be in a minute we live the opposite side of Chicago"
"Why did you come here then?"
"Mom, went out, left me to look after Scott, so I decided we should go out, we took the El and ended up here. Then he started coughing and didn't stop so I came here."
"Oh I see"
"Mommy!" Scott screams
"Hey sweetie"
A tall woman in a long black coat rushes over and hugs Scott.
"Are you okay what happened?" she asks looking at Janice and me.
"His coughing got real bad we came to the park and then I had to bring him here"
"Janice why on earth did you come over here? I told you to stay at home"
"Mom, I wanted to get out...."
"You should of rung me"
"Yea But your cell phone was off"
"Mrs,..... Um Newby" I say looking at the chart...and breaking up the argument between the teen and her mother.
"I need to get a doctor, but I think that Scott will be fine okay, I'll be back in a minute...cya Scott" I smile at the little boy waving.
I turn on my heel and I haven't even walked five steps before I bump into him.
"Sorry" I say not looking him in the eye
"Your good with children you know"
"Mmm thanks" I go to walk off to find Pratt.
Problem is, he grabs me by the shoulders and forces me to look at him.
"Carter.." I say warningly circling my arms up and around so he lets go.
"Abby what's wrong?"
"You know that Carter, just don't, haven't I told you enough, can we talk later?"
I'm not angry, just frustrated and exasperated that he keeps going on.
"Whatever" he sighs and I make a run for it.
The few meetings we have had since he's come back, I'm really don't like the way he's changed, he's not the usual carter I love and used to know. I don't' know how our little 'chat' is going to go later...we'll just have to find out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------
I walk into Starbucks, and the aroma of coffee hits me instantly. Boy what would I do for a coffee right now? I look around, I'm late so he should be already here, knowing Carter's love for getting everywhere on time.
I look right and notice him at a small table in the corner, by the window, which he's looking out of.
"Hey" I smile; I'm going to try so hard not to blow this.
"Oh hi" he replies.
I take a seat removing my coat I place my hands on the table.
"You want a coffee?"
I inwardly scream: "WOULD EVERYONE STOP GOING ON ABOUT COFFEE!"
But instead...
"Nah, I'll just have a juice"
He shoots me a quizzical but gets the waitress anyway.
"So how are things?" he asks me breaking the awkward silence.
"John, stop. Lets just talk about why we're really here." I say I just don't want to carry on skirting this.
He looks at his mug, kinda embarrassed.
"Where do we stand now?" I ask, I can see this is going to take some coaxing, even though it was his idea to talk.
"I don't know Abby, I really have no idea."
"We broke up right?"
"NO" he says immediately
"But then things have changed haven't they?" he adds
"Yea I suppose they have" I say looking out of the window, when do I tell him?
"I think we've changed," I say looking him in the eye
"Yea"
"I think that maybe we should just stay friends for a bit then see what happens"
Did I just say that? I think I just did.
He looks at me as if to disagree but then his look softens, like he decided to agree. I think we're both too damn scared to admit defeat.
"But that doesn't mean I want to end this" I add, because I always want the possibility off us getting back together, even if I leave the country, change my name or whatever.
"Neither do I" He says
"Just a break" I say
"Just a break" he repeats.
There's a lengthy pause where my drink arrives. He continues to stare out of the window and I look at the table. Great really.
" You find Africa good?
" Well I wouldn't say good. But it was an eye opener, it's crazy how we have all this technology and they don't.
I smile a small smile he's making obvious that he doesn't really want to talk about it.
Suddenly he looks as though he something important to say, he looks almost guilty. Oh god what now...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---
A/N: Hey! Sorry it's been a while, I said it wouldn't be, but unfortunately I've been kinda busy. But I hope you liked it. I'm so sure quite yet how It's really winding up too...I have some ideas that need backing up so if you have any idea's what could happen next, or any characters I'm not using so much that should be brought in please tell me! Remember...REVIEW!!!!!! ; D
My hands flop down to my sides and I look around aimlessly. The phone catches my eye. I do something I haven't in ages... I call my mom.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello?"
"Maggie?"
"Abby?!"
"Yea"
"Oh my gosh hello, how are you? I haven't spoken to you in ages!" she exclaims
"Um actually that's why I'm calling" I admit outright.
"Aw sweetie what's up?"
"God where do I start" I sigh
"That bad huh?"
"Well..."
I tell her all about the 'restaurant night' how it all went wrong and when she called just when I had found the ring. Then I went on to Eric being found then carter's Grandmother dieing at the same time, the mess and confusion we got into then. Then I go into the funeral and Eric messing it up, Carter turning kind of frosty against me then blocking me out for the whole week then suddenly I find out about his sudden change of heart to go to the Congo. I tell her all about that, Then I finally tell her about the day I bought the test three days after he left. Those three days were the worst. I seemed to vanish into my own oblivion.
".... I was feeling ill and had all the classic symptoms, I didn't want to believe it"
"So you took the pregnancy test?" she asks kinda eagerly"
"Yea..."
"And..."
"It was positive"
I have to hold the receiver away from she's shrieking joyfully
"Mom!.... Mom! Calm down" I laugh
"I'm gonna be a grandmother!" She laughs happily down the phone
"You are" I smile. Why has this phone call really cheered me up?
"When's it due?"
"Um about October time"
"Oh my this is brilliant! But why are you so upset with it?"
"I'm not upset about being pregnant, a little scared, but overall looking forward to a little baby arriving." I say trying also to convince myself. I think, though I'm definitely warming up to the idea of this new change.
"But..." I add
"Mmm"
"He came back to work today"
"Oh dear"
"I spent the whole day trying to avoid him, I did successfully...until I was leaving"
"And" its sounds like moms waiting for the cliffhanger of the latest of her favourite soap.
"He asked how I was, I nearly snapped, I told him the truth, I'm doing fine.... He then asked to meet me tomorrow...I said yes, and he stayed silent, I assumed he was finished, so I began to walk away...you following?" The other end has gone very quiet.
"Yes dear I am" She replies quickly
"Anyway..." I draw a deep breath... why are my eyes burning?
"He said...He said he wanted to make this better, he wanted us to be okay to make sure"
"Oh" she gasps
"But I totally broke. I couldn't take it mom I didn't need it. Seeing him that morning with everyone round him, not seeming to bother about me..." I sniff rubbing my nose. Don't cry...just don't cry.
"I told him to leave it for tomorrow, he tried to get an answer out of me...mom he's changed...changed so much"
"Ssshh sweetie don't worry" mom soothes
"I walked away. Why? Why did I do that? It makes him so angry when I walk away"
"Abby, he was pushing you, there was nothing wrong with you walking away"
I sigh, puffing my cheeks out I brush away an invisible tear...to my mom, not to me.
"What do I do?" I ask helplessly
"Go speak to him tomorrow, take it one step at a time, be patient and don't get frustrated...It's hard but It's the only way the make it work without you blowing it. I know how much you want to get back with him how ever much you try deny it"
"Do I tell him about the baby?"
"Not tomorrow..one step at a time okay?"
I can't actually believe this; I'm getting advice from my mom!
"Thanks...thank you so much...I'm sorry I'm spilling this out on you"
"Don't worry that's what I'm here for"
"Yea" I smile
"Anyway Abby sweetie, I have to go, I'm meeting up with Fiona in half and hour"
"Fiona?" I ask, this sounds kinda weird
"Yea my neighbour... we're going shopping"
"Sounds like fun" I say
"Yea...but Abby it will be fine okay, just be patient, it will turn out fine in the end. And remember I'm always here for you to talk to so don't just sit in the dark."
"Thank you so much" I say and for the first time I really do mean it.
"Thank you for making me a grandmother!"
"Call you soon"
"Bye sweetie"
"Bye"
I press the little button and the line goes dead. I'm plunged into a deadly silence. I'm sick of this I'm sick of living in a world of unhappiness, I'm pregnant for goodness sake nearly everything in my life is going okay all I want to sort is Carter and me. I want to make it work, not just because of the baby and the fact he will want absolutely everything to do with he or she when it's born but for me I can't keep living in the balance. I need to no if we are still together or not.
I get up. I can't stand the quiet anymore., I go to my Hi-Fi and find one of my favourite albums. I put it on and turn it up loud. And I mean really load I swear the bass is making the floor vibrate. Oh who cares about the neighbours?! This doesn't happen very often! I get up and begin to spin around, okay I'm beginning to get a little dizzy but I don't care. I'm dancing to the fast rocky beat; it's kinda stress relieving in a weird way. I get so into my dancing the music pounding in my ears I totally ignore the phone ringing persistently, the answer phone going off and the words of
"Hi it's just me, Carter um...you must be busy I'll call back later"
I totally forgot, that with my phone you can absolutely everything that's happening in the background, so he could hear that I'm in, and not answering the phone...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------
In a way I love EL journeys. Why?...I don't know but I just love staring out of the window and watching the city rush by, even more so at this time in the morning because at every stop a different person leaves and a different person comes on. Just the way it happens so fast, like it's been sped up.
When I step off, I walk the couple of blocks to county; I grab bagel from the little stand and make my way in. Odd, It's really quiet; I've probably jinxed the day now but hell. I say hi to frank who's busy making his origami swans and go into the lounge.
I knew it would go anything like yesterday; well of course it wouldn't because as the door silently slams shut behind me...
"Hey"
"Oh hey" I smile.
Oh shit...I feel my cheeks immediately redden, I go to my locker and put my stuff inside it.
After a long silence he speaks...
"We still on?" he asks, but I can hint nervousness in his voice
That could mean so many different things, but I choose the fact that he asked me to meet at break sometime today...
"Um...yea...I'm have break at eleven thirty"
I go to the counter staring at the coffee maker...god; no surely cravings don't happen this early on in pregnancy?
"Meet at twelve at doc's....ah no it um..."
"At Starbuck's" I interrupt him. I hear him stand up
"Okay" he says. I can just see the odd look on his face as I continue to stare at the coffee maker.
"You okay?"
"Um...yea" I say turning around a little too fast and my head rushes
"You got some coffee craving?" he asks a small smile on his lips...god I hate this.
"As a matter of fact.... yes I have" There's no harm in saying that.... it's the truth... sort of...
"Um...Carter, I kinda have to...um I like started five minutes ago"
"Oh right okay then"
And without saying anything else I make a swift exit. I hate it, I hate it so much. That was so forced, so fake, it's like we're preparing for the inevitable, the end, but just making it worse now. What the hell it's going to be like later I dread to imagine.
"Abby!" weaver hollers
"Hello?" I turn round
"Double MVA 5 minutes out front" she yells down the corridor
Oh just great a brilliant way to start a worsening day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------
"Does you mommy know your here" I ask a little 5 year old boy sitting on the gurney
"Janice went to call her" he replies
"Janice?"
"My sister"
"Oh okay" I smile
"Now let's just see what's wrong with you then" I take my stethoscope and listen to his chest, apparently he's been coughing pretty badly.
"That's cold," he laughs
"It'll warm up, now can you breathe in for me"
"Janice!" he shouts
"Hey buster!" she comes up and gives him a hug.
"Mommy's on her way okay?"
She says this half looking at me
"Good"
"Now can you sit still and breathe in again for me?" I ask again
"Okay"
I finish all the things I have to do and I stand up.
"Janice," I ask
"Yea" she says looking up from Scott"
"Your Mom? Is she here yet?"
"She should be in a minute we live the opposite side of Chicago"
"Why did you come here then?"
"Mom, went out, left me to look after Scott, so I decided we should go out, we took the El and ended up here. Then he started coughing and didn't stop so I came here."
"Oh I see"
"Mommy!" Scott screams
"Hey sweetie"
A tall woman in a long black coat rushes over and hugs Scott.
"Are you okay what happened?" she asks looking at Janice and me.
"His coughing got real bad we came to the park and then I had to bring him here"
"Janice why on earth did you come over here? I told you to stay at home"
"Mom, I wanted to get out...."
"You should of rung me"
"Yea But your cell phone was off"
"Mrs,..... Um Newby" I say looking at the chart...and breaking up the argument between the teen and her mother.
"I need to get a doctor, but I think that Scott will be fine okay, I'll be back in a minute...cya Scott" I smile at the little boy waving.
I turn on my heel and I haven't even walked five steps before I bump into him.
"Sorry" I say not looking him in the eye
"Your good with children you know"
"Mmm thanks" I go to walk off to find Pratt.
Problem is, he grabs me by the shoulders and forces me to look at him.
"Carter.." I say warningly circling my arms up and around so he lets go.
"Abby what's wrong?"
"You know that Carter, just don't, haven't I told you enough, can we talk later?"
I'm not angry, just frustrated and exasperated that he keeps going on.
"Whatever" he sighs and I make a run for it.
The few meetings we have had since he's come back, I'm really don't like the way he's changed, he's not the usual carter I love and used to know. I don't' know how our little 'chat' is going to go later...we'll just have to find out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------
I walk into Starbucks, and the aroma of coffee hits me instantly. Boy what would I do for a coffee right now? I look around, I'm late so he should be already here, knowing Carter's love for getting everywhere on time.
I look right and notice him at a small table in the corner, by the window, which he's looking out of.
"Hey" I smile; I'm going to try so hard not to blow this.
"Oh hi" he replies.
I take a seat removing my coat I place my hands on the table.
"You want a coffee?"
I inwardly scream: "WOULD EVERYONE STOP GOING ON ABOUT COFFEE!"
But instead...
"Nah, I'll just have a juice"
He shoots me a quizzical but gets the waitress anyway.
"So how are things?" he asks me breaking the awkward silence.
"John, stop. Lets just talk about why we're really here." I say I just don't want to carry on skirting this.
He looks at his mug, kinda embarrassed.
"Where do we stand now?" I ask, I can see this is going to take some coaxing, even though it was his idea to talk.
"I don't know Abby, I really have no idea."
"We broke up right?"
"NO" he says immediately
"But then things have changed haven't they?" he adds
"Yea I suppose they have" I say looking out of the window, when do I tell him?
"I think we've changed," I say looking him in the eye
"Yea"
"I think that maybe we should just stay friends for a bit then see what happens"
Did I just say that? I think I just did.
He looks at me as if to disagree but then his look softens, like he decided to agree. I think we're both too damn scared to admit defeat.
"But that doesn't mean I want to end this" I add, because I always want the possibility off us getting back together, even if I leave the country, change my name or whatever.
"Neither do I" He says
"Just a break" I say
"Just a break" he repeats.
There's a lengthy pause where my drink arrives. He continues to stare out of the window and I look at the table. Great really.
" You find Africa good?
" Well I wouldn't say good. But it was an eye opener, it's crazy how we have all this technology and they don't.
I smile a small smile he's making obvious that he doesn't really want to talk about it.
Suddenly he looks as though he something important to say, he looks almost guilty. Oh god what now...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---
A/N: Hey! Sorry it's been a while, I said it wouldn't be, but unfortunately I've been kinda busy. But I hope you liked it. I'm so sure quite yet how It's really winding up too...I have some ideas that need backing up so if you have any idea's what could happen next, or any characters I'm not using so much that should be brought in please tell me! Remember...REVIEW!!!!!! ; D