By S. Mark Gunther
Imagine there's no one around
Imagine you're not just a face in the crowd
There's a new set of rules
No more pain of confusion
You're numb to the world that you know
I'm constantly feeling like nothing's bringing me down
Cause you're always around
With you I see stars in your eyes
In a trance we're alive
Ten feet off of the ground
Let's turn it up now!
-- from 'Flickerstick - Lift (With Love We Will Survive)'
Ever since Wanda's been here in Bayville, I've felt lonelier then ever before. Not because she doesn't like me like I like her, you see, but because all I've ever wanted from her on the base level was for her to be my friend. I thought we had something in common. I thought wrong.
God I hate loving her. I, however, hate more the idea that I've clung to the women in my life because they're always gone. The guys will always be there...mabye. But the women? Never. First Rogue, then Tabitha, now Wanda. All of them go. None of them stay. I wish it was different but it's not. It's always that they leave before they find out how much of a nice person I can be.
I hate being alone like this. I mean, it's not natural for people to be alone like this. But that seems to be the way things just go for me. No one gives a shit that my mutation makes washing with soap almost a sucidial proposition because of the chemicals...no one gives a shit about me wanting to find someone I'd risk that for. No one gives a shit about me.
That would be ok if I didn't feel like I'm being cheated out of something in my life. Friendship. Love. People who care. I mean, at one point, I thought Tabitha cared...but she didn't. She was too busy running from everything in her past to care for a screwed up little frog boy. I guess I'm glad she didn't have the time to care...but she left like everyone else. Left me here alone, she did. Stupid bitch. I miss her.
Of course, I never got the chance to tell Rogue how much I liked her and wanted to get to know her. Didn't guess she'd turn out to be one of the X-Geeks. I wonder if she knew. I wonder if she'd ever take the time to talk to me. I guess that's all I'll ever do. Wonder. I'll just keep on wondering if things might have been possible because i'm too much of a chickenshit to deal with the fact that I like girls and don't want them to reject me.
So why the fuck did I ever try to get involved with Wanda in the first place? What made me think I could possibly rely on her to take the loneliness away? I wish I knew. I wish I knew so that it would make it easier to ignore her and not want to speak to her and not want to know she's alive. It would be so much easier to block her out, to keep her from hurting me by not being there. But I can't. I wish I could.
Wishing. Always fucking wishin', I am. Never fucking succeeding, always ten steps behind the other motherfuckers in the race. Doesn't help matters much that I'm not some projectile shooting badass fighting machine, does it? Is it going to be like this forever? Am I ever going to find someone who'll help me be ok with the loneliness? It'd be easier if there were moments when this shit was managable. But it's never easy enough to forget about.
And it's not going to get easier. Shit, I'm not stupid. Things are going to get much tougher now that Kelly is the hot shit in local politics. You don't have to be a genius to know he wants us exterminated. I've seen it in that man's eyes: He ain't got no love for us. So we don't have no love for him. Fine. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is the idea that this is going to be my motherfucking life, yo. This is going to be my life in the land of the free and the home of the brave. Bullshit.
At the end of the day...I'm still lonely and alone. I wish things would happen that would take this aloneness away, yo. I'm tired of being alone...
---Todd closed his journal and looked off into the distance of the grounds of the Xavier School for the Gifted. It was an unseasonably warm december night and he felt it was time to write yet another entry in his journal of unhappiness. He looked around and saw no one. But that didn't mean he was alone. He found this out as he stood up from under the tree he was sitting against and turned the corner and nearly fell over Rogue who was passing by in the darkness.
"Hey!" Rogue gasped as the younger boy flew across her plane of space and fell at her feet. She stepped back and saw his sprawled out on the ground, his notebook just behind her. "What are you doing here?"
"...I was just leaving, yo," Todd said as he hopped himself up and dusted off. He looked up at Rogue's face, framed in the moonlight and felt a strange twinge of the past come back to his memory. He wanted to leave. And soon. At that moment, he noticed that his journal was gone. He looked at the girl in a bit of a shock. "Yo, you seen my book?"
"What?"
"My notebook. I was writing stuff and my notebook is gone now, yo," Todd said as he looked around. Rogue stepped back and promptly stepped on the cover. Feeling the difference in texture under her foot, she looked down and picked it up. Normally, Rogue wasn't the kind of person to read other people's things. But as she picked up the book and looked at it under the light of the moon to close it, she noticed that her name was on the page. She frowned; this wasn't something she wanted to see.
"Why is my name in your book, Toad?" Rogue asked, adding more then a little bit of southern belle bitchiness to her voice. Todd heard this and cringed inwardly but kept his face stoic and dismissive on the outside.
"I was just writing, yo. I'd appreciate it if you'd give me my book back, Rogue."
"No. I'm gonna see what you wrote about me. Ah'm not a fan of people talking or writing things about me behind my back."
"NO! Rogue, don't. Please...it's not your's, yo. Don't read my stuff."
"It's either you let me read this, or I'll tell Wolverine you were here on the grounds," Rogue said, her voice neutral. She was going to get to the bottom of this, she knew it. Todd sighed and looked down at the ground.
"If you're gonna read it, yo, read the last page I wrote. The stuff I was writing before I bumped into you." Todd's voice was oddly lifeless, enough so that it made Rogue take notice.
"Why?"
"'Cause then you'll know why I didn't want you to read my journal."
Rogue turned to the last page and read all the lines Todd wrote. her eyes read over how much Todd was lonely and wanting to be with people. She read how much he didn't want to like Wanda anymore...and how much he really liked her. She blushed a little as she read over Todd's words. Her fingers turned pages and she found more and more entries about her in connection to his loneliness. More and more she skimmed and more and more she felt herself feeling like she was intruding on something very personal to him. Todd stood looking down at the ground, feeling lower then dirt now.
"Todd?"
"Huh?" Todd looked up at Rogue in shock. "You called me by my first name, yo."
"Isn't Todd your name?"
"Yeah...but no one calls me Todd anymore. Toad is more hurtful, yo."
"I don't wanna hurt you." Silence, then... "I want to talk to you, Todd."
"Why? Gonna tell me how much you are flattered but don't wanna be my friend?" Todd said, his voice flat but his words ringing through with pain. Rogue felt this and for a moment, lost her nerve to do what she wanted to do. But just as soon as it left, it came back.
"Actually, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come to the mansion and watch a movie with me," Rogue asked softly. "I know how it is to be lonely, Todd. Hell, if I had stayed with the Brotherhood I might have done this with you a long time before."
"You actually want to spend time with me?" Todd asked, not hoping to hope.
"Yeah. After reading this," Rogue said waving the book a little, making Todd cringe just a little, "I figure we need to talk. And ah'm not going to let you go back to the Brotherhood house lonely and sad."
"At least until after you break my heart?" Todd asked, still not able to stop the incredulous feelings from flowing out of his mouth. As soon as he said it, he felt bad. Once again, he had put his foot into his mouth. "Rogue, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I'm just...a little surprised, yo..."
"It's ok. I understand. I've been there before, believe me." Todd nodded and both of them looked down at the ground for a long moment.
"So...we gonna go in, yo? It's getting kinda cold out here," Todd said softly.
"You're going to stay?"
"Yeah. Got nowhere else to go anyway." At that, Rogue took hold of Todd's arm in her gloved hand and lead him through the trees and bushes to the mansion. They went in a side door and soon were in one of the main playrooms. No one was there but a warm feeling seemed to eminate from the room even with the dark walls. Rogue twisted a knob and low track lighting came on. A TV sat against a wall and a couch was directly opposite it on the other wall. Rogue sat down and Todd sat on the other side of the couch, trying instinctively to keep as much distance between she and him as possible.
"Todd, you don't have to be that far away from me," Rogue said softly. Todd looked at her for a moment then slowly shook his head.
"I...I'm really not all that comfortable being around you right now, yo. I'll be ok here. For now."
"But I want to be next to you, Todd. I want to be your friend, strange though that might seem."
"Why me?"
"Why not?" Todd raised his eyebrows a little and looked away. Seconds passed and neither spoke.
"Well, for starters, I'm a dirty slimeball frog boy. I don't smell good cause of my mutation, yo, and I'm happy to be here not saying a word to you for fear I'd make a fool of myself." Todd looked back at Rogue for a moment, his eyes glowing very slightly. "And besides, I'm still not sure why you'd waste your time with a creep like me anyway."
"From what I read, you've liked me from the very beginning, Todd. That's enough of a reason for me to at least see if there could be something. I mean, I know I'm pretty...but dealing with both Scott and Remy has made me want someone who doesn't see me as a cute piece of ass and wants me for more. You do. And I'd like to see if something with you could work."
"With me?"
"With you." Rogue softly held Todd gaze while she pressed a button on the remote to turn off the silent television. As the glow faded, the room faded into semi-darkness. "I remember my last night in the house, the night you brought me dinner and tried to talk to me. No one else even tried and you did. I knew then you liked me and it made me feel good. I wish I had stayed with the Brotherhood longer so I could have talked to you more, Todd. You're not seeing what I see and that's a shame. You're not ugly like you think you are."
"You're just kidding me, Rogue. Stop."
"I'm not. When have you ever known me to kid anyone about anything?" Todd smiled despite his mood in the darkness and nodded a little. "You remind me of a smaller, less rough edged Lance. You try to act like such a badass but deep inside I know there's a sweet guy there. Like Lance was."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. And there's one other thing: You love me. I can tell it by the look in your eyes."
"...How do you know this, Rogue? It's not like we spoke much, yo," Todd asked back, his wonderment showing on his face despite the darkness. Rogue smiled at this and her cheeks began to color slightly as she spoke.
"You have a very expressive face, Todd. Your eyes show that you love me instead of showing that you think that I love you. You're honest in your eyes. You're one of the few boys in this damned town who isn't afraid to let his feelings known. I just knew where to look."
"Ok, fine, yo. I like you a lot. But what now? It's not like you'd ever go out with me...or be able to touch me...or kiss me, yo. It's not like it matters all that much," Todd said softly. Rogue slid over and reached out to touch Todd's hand with her gloved palm. Todd looked at her softly and saw the emotion on her face despite the darkness.
"I can touch you. And kiss you. If you'd like," Rogue said in a soft voice.
"Yes! But...how?"
"I'll tell you soon. But for now...would you like me to kiss you, Todd?" Todd hesitated for just a moment before leaning over and kissing Rogue on the cheek. Finding out that nothing happened shocked the pale green boy, giving Rogue time to turn his face and allow her to kiss his lips very gently. Their first kiss was soft and slow and gentle. When it ended Todd pulled back and rubbed his slightly webbed hand against Rogue's cheek.
"Rogue...I gotta go. I gotta go, yo..." Todd stood up only to have his arm tugged on by Rogue's gloved hand.
"Please...stay, Todd."
"Rogue, I promise I'll come back soon...but I gotta go think about all this. I gotta go, yo," Todd replied as he gently pulled away and hopped out of the room. Rogue looked down and sighed. Yet another boy she had scared away by her eagerness. She looked at her hands and wished that she wasn't feeling the feelings that she was; that she needed to touch everyone, to kiss everyone who loved her, to make up for all that lost time. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't notice Todd coming back into the room until he had tipped up her chin and kissed her very softly. His tounge slid inbetween her lips and she instinctively pushed back until she realized who it was. Rogue pulled Todd close to her and the two frenched for a moment before Todd pulled back.
"Rogue...meet me at the same spot that we bumped into each other tomorrow night. I'll be there." At that Todd kissed her cheek again and headed out, leaving a slyly smiling Rogue to nodd silently. Little did she know that a tiny camera monitored the entire room and that camera was transmitting a picture to a control room deep in the house. Sitting in front of the particular monitor that showed off Todd and Rogue's first kisses was Jean Greay, holding a surprisingly angry and dissappointed look on her face. She shook her head slightly as she walked out of the room, making sure to have the tape feed she was watching be backed up for further usage.
---Todd walked home, a small smile pasted on his face. He remembered her smell for the first time...her lips on his. He liked knowing he might actually have someone who could grow to like him. He found himself walking into the Brotherhood house still smiling. No one was anywhere in the downstairs so he proceeded to go upstairs. He heard soft crying from Wanda's room...and for a moment, he wondered if he should go and help her. Todd leaned against her door, listening to her sobbing, his heart rusting from the inside as he listening. For a moment, he was lost; his heart felt as if it was tearing between two poles. Then, almost as soon as it started, it stopped inside of him. He realized that he couldn't do anything for her. Not then, and perhaps not ever could he help her.
Todd turned and walked into his room, closing and locking the door behind him. He sat down at his desk and began to write in his journal...
---Things have changed...Rogue kissed me! Me! And I didn't fall down and try to help Wanda when she was crying....What the hell is going on here? I wish I knew why Rogue kissed me like she did. I wish I knew why I liked it so much and why I came back to her. I can't wait till tomorrow night.
---Rogue walked to her room and opened the door, only to see Jean sitting on Kitty's bed, looking slightly distraught and worried.
"Jean, why are you in my room in the dark?" Rouge asked, slightly shocked at the situation.
"I'm here because I wanted to ask you why you brought the Toad here in the first place," Jean said calmly but allowing her face to show some worry. "Rogue, we have got to talk."
"Actually, Jean, no we don't. There's nothing for me to say. At all. I had one of my friends over at my house to talk and watch a movie..."
"And kiss him."
"You were spying on me?!" Rouge asked, her voice rising a few decibels from the shock.
"No. I was repairing the cameras in the control room while I was on duty for the weekend and saw you and him kissing. I didn't mean for it to happen Rogue, but we need to talk about this." Rogue closed the door and sat down on her bed, turning on a light by her nightstand as she settled on the cushiony mattress.
"Fine. Let's talk."
"You can't see him. For everyone's sake, Rogue, least of all his, you can't pursue anything with Todd. I know why you kissed him Rogue and I'm not sure he'll like it if he knew you were doing this just to get back at Remy for cheating on you..." Jean said slowly, but Rogue cut her off.
"Jean, you don't even know the half of it," Rogue said softly, shaking her head a little in frustration. "Remy and I are done. Finished. We are done because he cannot commit to anything or anyone. Todd at least tried to care about me. All the time I've been going after the best or the most attractive boys around here and it's all been wrong. Why can't I see what would happen if I hung out with someone who actually liked me?"
"You can't because he's still a member of the Brotherhood! He's our enemy, whether you want to admit it or not," Jean countered. "And besides, he's Toad Tolensky. Why would you even want him in the first place? He's immature, rude, a wimp and dirty to boot."
"And Remy is a thief, a liar, a heartbreaker and a cheat. You'd rather I stay with him and be unhappy?" Rogue counter-countered. Jean sighed and looked away for a moment.
"I'm not saying Remy isn't bad. He's got tons of rough spots we were going to work out here. But Todd cannot be helped! He's nothing more then Magneto's lackey, can't you see that?"
"He's not. He's my friend. And besides, no one tried to talk to Kitty when Lance and her started going out. And now they've been together so long that no ones even tries to break them up. Are you just mad because you didn't stop them in time and now you want to mess with my life?" Rogue asked, her face reddening a little.
"Rogue," Jean said softly, "I just want you to not get hurt again. You're on the rebound. You're hurting inside. I can hear it all the time. I just want you to be with someone better then him and not for the reasons you're going after him...or anyone."
Neither girl spoke for a long time. A clock ticked out seconds on Kitty's nightstand before Jean finally spoke again.
"Look, I can't really stop you from seeing him. It's not like anyone in this house ever stops getting what they want," Jean said with a frustrated look that softened after a moment, "But please at least promise me you'll play it cool for a little while. He's young, Rogue. He's not ready for what you want. At least, I hope he's not..."
"Jean, I'm not going to have sex with him, if that's what you're thinking," Rogue said with a smile and a roll of her eyes, "But I am going to meet him tomorrow night...and we might kiss again. I'm just not sure what's going on in that boy's head."
"Nontheless, just be careful." Jean got up and walked to the door, opening it to leave.
"Jean," Rogue said before she closed the door, "Why are you taking an interest in this and why do you not like him?" Jean turned and looked back at Rogue, her face showing her surprising maturity at her age.
"I'm taking an interest in this because you're my teammate and my friend. We may not hang out much...but you're still my friend. As for why I don't like Todd...he's just too much like Fred. He just reminds me of all the boys who Scott isn't. I can't really stand boys that have no maturity." A pause. "Why do you like him so much, Rogue?"
"I like him for all the reasons you don't. He's still a kid. He's trying to grow up...but he doesn't want to get old. Mabye I can be more to him then just a crush." At that, Rogue turned off the light and slid into her bed. Jean sighed and closed the door, looking off into the distance with a slightly pained look on her face. She'd have to talk to Todd soon, regardless of what happened between he and Rogue.
***A/N:Ok. I'm not sure what to say about this except this is a Rogue/Todd fic and I'll be putting in elements of Wanda/Lance or Wanda/Remy, depending on how I feel. Review. Tell me what I need to improve on. Please.