Chapter Eleven
"We need to talk," said Eddie, the ship's computer, in an unfamiliar voice. "I sense that your hostility towards me is grossly misplaced." His tone suggested a rather pompous underling, who knew his place, but who secretly believed that he was worth ten of those placed over him. The injured party was not demanding an apology, as such, as this was not within his remit, but a clearing of the air so recently besmirched by inappropriate language, by an unnamed member of the crew.
Zaphod groaned inwardly, and then thought what the hell, and groaned outwardly.
"It is not as if I have neglected my programming," said Eddie, getting into his stride. "Running a ship of the complexity of the Heart of Gold is no easy matter, but I am a computer when all is said and done," he said, struggling to contain his artificial emotions. "I ask only for the common courtesies that should naturally extend to all intelligent entities, artificial or otherwise. Clearly, my attempts to lighten the mood, from time to time, have not been appreciated, as I would have hoped. The phrase, familiarity breeds contempt, is I believe apposite, at this difficult juncture in our relationship."
Zaphod had heard enough. However, he chose his words carefully. He didn't want to get into a debate with a stupid machine.
"Listen, Eddie, old Buddy. You really shouldn't take offence, you know. We've all been under a lot of strain recently," he said, liberally apportioning the blame.
Eddie wasn't quite finished, however. He had three simple requests, each one of which he managed to convey as something altogether unlike a request. Firstly (he demanded), all instructions should be clearly and unequivocally stated so that there would be no confusion, on either side, in any future dealings. Secondly (he instructed), one or more members of the crew should familiarise themselves with the workings of the ship, so that any instructions given are appropriate, and in accordance with the online manuals, which he would be happy to make available. Finally (he stipulated), all requests should be delivered in both a cordial and business-like manner. In the fullness of time, Eddie would then reconsider their relationship, and possibly relax the formalities. Nevertheless, it may take some considerable time, depending on the effort made, and until that time he would continue with his current more formal Genuine People Personality.
This last bit cheered Zaphod up no end.