Chapter Three: Sex, Mayhem, and Drugs, Oh My!
[we hear two voices arguing over the movie as it plays a strip scene by Morphbus in his car]
Keanu: It burns! My virgin eyes!
Laurence: Quit complaining, I'm the one who had to do it.
Keanu: Sucker!
Laurence: Bitch! At least I can act!
Keanu [seriously]: That was uncalled for.
Laurence: I don't think so.
Carrie: Will the two of you shut up? The real movie's starting again.
[Morphbus appears, walking out of the shadows towards three club guards dressed in tight leather]
EXT. Club Stupid parking lot.
Guy One: Holy shit, it's Thing-less.
Guy Two: I get it. You must be looking to die.
Morphbus: I just want to talk.
Guy One: That sounds reasonable.
Guy Two: Go ahead.
Morphbus: Screw you! [runs for elevator]
Guy One: Hey! [trips Morphbus]
Morphbus: Um…nice leather!
Guy One [voice lighter]: Really, you think so? Fabio over there thought it was a little too revealing, but I said "Fabio, if you want to play dirty you've got to get some mud," and then he said "I love it when you talk that way, let's do it right now, here, in the mud," and then I-
Fabio: Lorenzo! That's enough.
Lorenzo [voice deeper]: Sorry.
Morphbus: Well, I-
Lorenzo: Shove it, bitch. You got a lot of explaining to do.
Morphbus: That's too bad, because we don't have time that stretches to inFINITE!
Fabio: …
Lorenzo: Start talking. [whacks him with baseball club]
Morphbus: Shit that hurts. Well, we're coming here to talk to Jacques because we want to get Peo back from him-
Fabio: You'll take Peo? He wants to talk to you, then.
Finite [running up]: Wait for me!
Morphbus: Why didn't you come when I called?
Finite [shifty eyes]: I…didn't…hear…you?
INT. Elevator
[Morphbus shoots the two guards. They collapse to the floor as the elevator door slides open. The gun check men all look at them]
Morphbus: Whoops.
Finite: Idiot.
[they gun check men attack. One fires at Morphbus and hit the nearby wall]
Morphbus: Mommy!
[one jumps onto the ceiling and hangs there for a second, then falling on his head with a sickening thud]
Morphbus: Ha ha ha! AH! [ducks as bullets fly over him and hit another one of the guards. Only two remain now]
Guard One: Dude, like chill out, okay?
Guard Two: Totally, dude!
Morphbus: Oh, no! We have web SURFERS!
Guard One: Like, dude?
Guard Two: …Dude?
Morphbus: …
Finite: God, why does this always happen?
[suddenly, her clothes start to disappear]
Finite: Damn hackers! Die now!
[she slams a fist into Guard One. He dies with a final cry of "dude"]
Guard Two: Dude, that was so totally not cool.
Finite: Fuck you.
Guard Two: Okay.
Finite: … [hits him upside the head]
INT. Club Stupid VIP lounge.
Jacques Chirac: I don't believe this…
[the guards are sent down and they escort Morphbus and Finite up to the VIP lounge. Everyone takes a drink and goes to the bathroom while preparing for another long speech by the French dude]
Jacques: Quelle bonne surprise, n'est pas? [Trans: Ha, I'm some stupid French guy and no one has any idea what I'm saying. FUCK YOU, AUDIENCE!]
Finite: We want Peo.
Jacques: I'd love to give him to you, but it seems others want him as well. We're about to have a little bidding war.
Finite: That wasn't part of the deal!
Jacques: What deal?
Finite [frantically]: Shut UP! THAT'S WHAT DEAL!
Jacques: Anyway…One Peo up for grabs. Do I hear one thousand dollars?
[dead silence]
Jacques: Five hundred dollars?
[dead silence]
Jacques: One hundred bucks?
Nina Myers: One hundred!
Jacques: Do I hear one-fifty?
Kiss: One-fifty!
Jacques: Two hundred, anyone?
Finite [reluctantly]: Two hundred.
Others: Too high…
Finite: Yes! Oh, wait…
INT. Mobil Ave train station.
[a train pulls up and the Rainman gets off. Peo runs and hides behind a bench, but when Finite gets off, he stands up and runs to her. She steps to the side and he slams into a wall]
Finite: Torro! Ha, idito.
INT. Matrix streets, car.
Peo: I have to see her.
Morphbus: The Oracle?
Peo [sarcastically]: No, your mom.
Morphbus [hurt]: Why now?
Peo: This may be my last chance.
Finite: Ha ha ha…[makes whipped sound]