Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Jamie's turn. Musings on life.

Merry Christmas. xxx

I thought I should write something Christmassy.

This isn't it.

This is set in summer. The summer before the marauders 7th year to be exact. They are all 17.

Also I feel it needs to be noted that this is not the first time I have written this chapter. It was written, polished and finally finished at some point around the middle of last summer. Then 'The Order of the Phoenix' happened. Needless to say it was a write off.

The Christmas fic should be ready in time for Easter.

Please R & R. Thanks.

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Chapter 2: The Noble Art Of Ceiling Gazing

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James was tired. No, rephrase that, he was fucking exhausted. He lay back on his bed and closed his eyes, a sigh escaped his lips. He really should...

Well he really should go see how Sirius was coping but somehow he knew he wasn't going to make it.

Still.

James briefly contemplated getting up, making himself a cup of coffee and heading out...

He watched himself walk out of the front door, apparate and walk into the pub... There the fantasy ended, he had no idea of how he'd find them and anyway, he sighed again his limbs relaxing, releasing their tension into his mattress. Anyway he'd probably just fall asleep at the table.

He yawned.

Or would he?

He was tired yes but his mind was spinning, filled to bursting with new impressions, incidents and suspicions?...Yes suspicions he supposed. The day had been... unusual, to say the least.

James smiled he'd done well and he knew it. He'd impressed them and moreover it had been such a... challenge. If he was honest with himself he hadn't been expecting that, well everything else was usually so easy, but it had been great. The spells were difficult, the tests were challenging and the power it took... He could feel it still in the weakness of his limbs, their dead weight, his exhaustion. It had been a good day...mostly.

There was something that felt, well... wrong, maybe it was just him. Well of course it was just him he was the only one there. Not that the others would have noticed anything anyway, they were just too wrapped up in themselves and their own problems.

The sudden rush of anger that accompanied his thought surprised him. He didn't seem to have any justification. It was true though, he thought rebelliously, they just had no idea.

Whereas he did? James felt his face flush, anger and embarrassment both bringing the blood to his cheeks. Well no not really but at least he knew there was something he had no idea about. Even in his own head his reasoning sounded hollow and pathetic. He thought about what Evans, what Lily would say if he voiced it to her. He heard it being ripped to shreds.

But what was it? What was it about today that was so... wrong... Well it certainly wasn't usual for the ministry to want to test a 17 year old wizard, not only one student and not for the entire day. Moreover, if such a thing was to occur how likely was it for Dumbledore to insist on being present, in person, for the entire session, and yet it had happened.

James felt a brief rush of indignation. He'd done everything they'd asked and yet no one had explained anything. He was left in greater confusion than he had been in when he'd arrived and why had Dumbledore just watched him, watched him and not said a word. No praise, no condemnation even.

James opened his eyes and stared hard at the ceiling, although without his glasses he couldn't see it. Instead, his mind was focused on every second of his day, every sentence, every glance, every nervous laugh uttered by the people around him...

There had definitely been what could only be described as an atmosphere and he hadn't noticed it. He began to get angry at himself.

There had certainly been a, a tension in that room, something that could not be explained away as interest in his abilities. Why hadn't he paid attention? All thought of sleep gone James felt tense. He felt as though he was suddenly on the brink of something, something that he'd known or should have known all along but hadn't had the wit to recognise. Understanding was right there, epiphany or whatever you wished to call it was within his grasp and yet it was nebulous...like mist, it slipped through his fingers, his mental fingers.

James snorted in derision at the weakness of his simile irritation once again stirring in him. He'd almost had... something.

He sighed again, this was bloody ridiculous, he didn't even know what this elusive realisation was about, indeed if it was even anything at all. It was entirely possible it was just a mood, nothing important.

And yet...

There had been something tugging at his conscientiousness for a while now. Yes that's exactly what it felt like, every so often something little just tugged at his mind as though wanting him to acknowledge its existence. This time James laughed out loud. This was idiotic. Stupid tricks of an overactive, overtired mind. What he needed now was sleep not endless speculations about gaining some knowledge of ...something that probably didn't exist anyway and moreover was probably the result of an overactive imagination (the story of his life) and stress.

Stress.

It had been the most stressful year of his life.

James lay still thinking back over his 6th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It had been... well... Shit, for the most part and he didn't know why.

Ballocks, he did know why. It was all Sirius' fault. All Sirius' fucking mess. Anger rose rapidly inside him, his muscles tensing reflexively. He was just so stubborn and stupid and arrogant and ...angry at anything and everything. He never knew when to stop either, he just pushed and pushed his luck until it snapped and it was never his fault either it was always someone else's. Why couldn't he just leave it for once?

James exhaled in irritation and just as suddenly as his anger had appeared he felt it leave him as though diffusing out of him like his breath.

That wasn't fair.

He sighed. It wasn't fair on Sirius, nor indeed on the rest of his friends. James stared moodily at the ceiling. It wasn't one individual's fault that the year had been so bad he thought democratically, and not very truthfully.

Ok so that was a slight lie, it was mainly Sirius' fault, but not totally. Of course he would never, could never point that out to him. He'd gone through such... difficulties recently but that was basically the problem wasn't it?

One of the problems, his conscience supplied, one of many. He couldn't really pretend it was the only one and... neither could Sirius.

James felt uneasy. Was it just concern for his best friend's feelings that was stopping him pointing out that much of the blame for last year lay squarely at Sirius' door, or was it that he was actually afraid to?

This was a new idea for James and he didn't like it. He'd never been afraid to say anything to Sirius in his life before.

Also it was wrong he thought defiantly. It wasn't that he couldn't say anything to Sirius and it wasn't that he was afraid of saying something to Sirius, he'd weathered his anger before now, it was just that up till this last year Sirius' behaviour had been so much... fun.

James began to feel slightly ill. They'd been joint conspirators, joint mischief makers. Mischief, but it had gone beyond mischief... For the first time in his life he had felt betrayed by Sirius and he should have seen it coming because... because he was as much part of the problem as Sirius. That was why he couldn't and hadn't said anything. He felt disgusted with himself. What cowardice.

He really had no right to feel betrayed.

There was no question about it. He would have to say something...

James felt uncomfortable. He shared everything with Sirius, but this...? He could visualise Sirius' reaction, furious because he felt attacked even if James tried to explain he was as least as much to blame, anger had been his reaction to everything else this year why change now?

Well, the answer was really quite simple: because he had to. James wasn't about to go through a 7th year as stressful as year 6 had been and he definitely wasn't going to let Sirius damage the Marauders, or himself anymore than he already had.

It had been a bad year for friendships. James didn't believe, as he knew Sirius did, that his actions had very nearly caused the destruction of the marauders. He did know however, that certain relationships had been.... badly strained, and that included their own.

James took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. He'd been avoiding thinking about the situation and he knew it, his mind shied away from the subject whenever it reared it ugly head. Not thinking about it had been, for the most part, a successful strategy, he and Sirius could continue the summer as normal and nothing had to change.

Except that it had. There had been a distance between them all summer, a distance that neither acknowledged, maybe Sirius hadn't even noticed it, but it had been there and James hated it. He hated it with a passion, Sirius was his brother they couldn't... drift apart.

James was angry. Why was he so stupid all of a sudden? He'd noticed the distance developing between them but why had he not, till now, recognised that it was because he was still angry, angry because he'd felt betrayed, feelings that he really had no right to have felt in the first place. Remus was the one who should feel betrayed, he was the one who had been almost catastrophically betrayed, James only had the right to feel angry at Sirius in sympathy and obviously because of his seemingly overwhelming stupidity but...

He'd said he forgave him... He thought he had.

Well. He had lied.

He had lied just as he knew Remus had lied, because he'd wanted it to be the truth. He'd wanted to forget about it, sweep it under the rug, well that hadn't worked. All it had got him was this...separation.

He felt dismayed at himself.

James smiled sadly. He known Remus'd lied as soon as the words had left the werewolf's mouth. He both hoped and feared Sirius knowing that too.

But he was avoiding the point. Why did he feel betrayed? On what basis did he feel betrayed? Why was he suddenly so angry? Once again James felt that tiny tug at his consciousness.

What Sirius had done was undeniably stupid but... the issue felt far more complex than simple anger at Sirius' actions. He knew, intuitively he supposed, that it was more than 'the incident' that'd caused it.

No, it was everything Sirius, Remus, Peter, Evans, especially Evans, even Dumbledore, even his parents. They all just seemed to irritate him in little ways, Sirius, well he didn't need to go into that but he always went too far. Remus, he never went far enough. More so this year, he always seemed to be looking concerned or doubtful or sometimes even refusing to get involved.

Yes he'd been saying no much more this year, well for the first part, then he got dumped by his girlfriend and stopped saying much of anything even to James or Peter who really didn't have anything to do with it.

Peter pissed him off too he was just so... servile and such a... victim, more so this year than ever before and would somebody please save him from Lily with her bloody sense of social responsibility. It was bloody ridiculous. Responsibility, that was like her favourite word.

"You should be more responsible." "You should set an example."

God the girl nagged him more than his parents had ever done. Its not like it was any of her business what he did anyway and why did she always feel the need to stick her nose into other people's affairs. He was quite able to look after his own life thank you very much and he was not self centred. He thought of other people all the time, he shared with his friends, if he didn't share Sirius wouldn't be living at his bloody house right now would he?

That had really been one bloody confusing, pointless argument and all because they'd devised a brilliant way of promoting house spirit: Levitating first years. The firsties were enjoying it for heaven's sake zooming about the common room, dive bombing the sofas, it was fun. Just because She was scared of heights herself doesn't mean everybody else was and they hadn't ripped the picture on purpose that had been a complete mistake there had been no 'malice of forethought' or anything.

The game was sheer genius, even if he said so himself, and simple so even Peter could handle it. It had started all because some first year couldn't reach one of the shelves and Blain 'Beanpole' Bancroft hadn't been around so Sirius had decided, all in aid of community spirit to levitate him so he could reach it. So the boy had got whatever it was he wanted, albeit a bit surprised by the sudden weightlessness then Sirius floated him back down to earth.

Now his friend seeing this thought it was a great idea, as well he might, and approached James to perform the same service. Carlin that was his name, fearless little flyer, must remember him for the team, wonder what he's like on broomstick, anyway so he'd levitated Carlin and Sirius had levitated Rory again who'd now figured out what was going on and wanted to have another go and they were competing to see who could touch which certain places on the ceiling first when Remus came in.

Well he had no objections, note no objections whatsoever and after virtually pissing himself laughing he decided to straighten out the rules of the game a little by which time we had attracted a fair size crowd of onlookers and potential imitators / competitors so it looked promising for getting a good little game going, the seventh years against us, the maurauders (minus Remus) representing year six and Bean and Mya because there was more of them than there was of us.

In the end the first years and any small enough second or even third year were zooming round in a sort of team race cum battle chasing each other through things over things, defending things from the other team, all 'Things' floated / controlled by our good friend Mr Mooney the judge.

The whole common room got involved eventually, this obviously completely negating Lily's point that people needed to work there. So what if it was coming up to exam time, if people wanted to study they should go to the library or indeed have done the work when it was set and therefore not need to be cramming just before the exams.

Well it was all going along splendidly (with auctions being held for the best players and everything) and well into its like fifth round when Carlin did a magnificent push off the wall and grabbed the 'Royal Log'.

Unfortunately Rory now partnered with Derek had attempted to claim it at the same time and ricocheted off Carlin into Terry who was at this time dive bombing the 'Stone' knocking him off course and, to cut a long story short his foot went through one of the paintings and the occupant started screaming the place down.

That basically brought people running.

'The Controllers' managed to get everyone who was airborne down in time but the large gathering of people in the middle of the floor with absolutely no explanation as to what they were doing there was a bit of a giveaway. Admittedly the assorted foot and hand prints on the ceiling didn't help, neither did the fact that that the man in the portrait was still screaming "He put his foot in it. He put his foot in it." for that matter.

So anyway, Oh and he didn't put his foot in it, he put his foot through it. So anyway She came in, and everyone relaxed a bit because they were all expecting McGonagal and she stares at us all for a minute then bursts out with "What the bloody hell is going on?". James smiled to himself.

So obviously Sirius points out that "That's no way to talk in front of the first years Mate, delicate little minds they've got, could get damaged by language like that" and she logically enough turns on Me.

James' smile grew wider, it was bloody funny thinking back on it although it hadn't been nearly so amusing at the time. He still didn't understand what possessed her to turn on him though, maybe it was the block of wood he was holding in his hand or perhaps it was just the way the people surrounding him had inched ever so slightly backwards while he had been occupying himself being amused at Sirius' joke but turn on him she did.

"What is going on here?" Well what was he supposed to say?

"It was just a bit of fun"

"A bit of fun that just happened to damage school property right?"

"We didn't mean to rip the painting."

"No of course not... and how the hell did you manage to get footprints on the ceiling anyway." Cue nervous giggles from the wings, bunch of amateurs.

Meanwhile the painted man in the portrait was still screaming hysterically "He put his foot in it. He put his foot in it."

James tried gesturing expansively, Lily glared. "And I suppose you 'didn't mean' to cause such a commotion either, you do realise that people are trying to work, its nearly the exams and the common room has to be kept at least relatively quiet so that people can study. The noise you were making could be heard right up in the dorms..."

James tried to interject that if that was the case why didn't she come down sooner but couldn't find an opening in the conver... lecture.

"You know what your problem is James Potter your just so irresponsible and self centred."

He did not need a lecture on his failings. "I am Not self centred."

"Yes. You are, and irresponsible, you didn't give a thought for the people who wanted to work in here did you? Or for what damage you might do to the room or to the other people in it."

James was angry now, this was personal. "How the hell could you know that? You don't even know what we were doing."

"We were levitating first years." Came an extremely helpful voice from somewhere behind him. If I ever find out who that was there will be hell to pay James reflected.

"You were Levitating first years. James how could you be so irresponsible?"

Maybe it was the tone of voice that she said James in, all despairing like she was deeply disappointed in him that did it. He was pissed off.

"So What. It was just a bit of fun. Why do you have to come and spoil it."

All the while the crazy portrait was yelling "He put his foot in it. He put his foot in it."

"A bit of fun. James that's incredibly dangerous. Someone could have cracked their head open or at the very least thrown up."

"Oh come on..."

"...in it. He..."

"I can see Jemima looking green." Lilly caught James' blank look. "You don't even know who she is do you?"

"He put his..."

"Of course I do."

"No you don't..."

"...foot..."

"Do you have to disagree with everything I ever say."

"No of course not... Will you Shut Up."

This command was not directed at him, nor indeed was it intended for the giggling mass of people staring at them, people he personally dearly wanted to strangle, but rather at the insanely irritating man in the painting. Shocked he shut his mouth.

"And irritating." She continued. "You are unbelievably irritating."

"I'm irritating." James was momentarily speechless, this gave Lily the advantage.

"What if somebody had fallen."

"No one was going to fall."

"You can not possibly say that."

"I just did."

"You're not that good James."

"Yes I am."

There was a collective hiss of released breath from the gathered masses at the confident arrogance of his statement. In reflection James felt a bit embarrassed, it was basically the truth he was that good. Still it was rather a conceited thing to say.

"No you're not, but if you were then you should be even more responsible. You should set a good example. You should..." A strange look passed over Lily's face, her features froze up so that there was a moment of complete stillness. Then something inside began to give and she looked James directly in the eyes.

In utter seriousness she said. "You should always remember James; with great power comes great responsibility."

Then she cracked up.

The common room was silent.

James was confused, the girl was obviously insane.

Slowly the fact that it wasn't only Lily laughing anymore impinged on his consciousness, he turned and surveyed the room.

Here and there people were giggling to themselves obviously trying and failing to smother their amusement before it escaped them.

James didn't get it. He glanced at the Mauruder's they were as mystified as he was staring round them with blank looks of their own.

"What?" He just didn't understand that girl. His obvious confusion weakened their self-control and the assorted gigglers broke into laughter.

People standing around them also began to grin, they didn't get the joke but the mood was infectious. In reflection, James felt he probably shouldn't have displayed his ignorance a second time "What?"

He glanced round the room then turned back to Evans "What the hell is that supposed to mean?". His utter lack of understanding destroyed whatever reserve was left to the laughers and the common room dissolved into unrestrained mirth. People James knew had no idea what the joke was about were laughing their heads off. At him. Ok so he was used to making people laugh but generally on purpose.

It was probably a good thing that Professor MacGonagal walked in at that point. Everyone suddenly developed hic-ups and pointedly avoided looking at the ceiling...

...It's not like she was right. 'with great power comes great responsibility.' What a load of ballocks. The two were not necessarily related. You could have 'great power' and piss your life away pickling newts if you wanted.

That was the whole point of individual choice, you could do what you want. Of course he would never do something so... irrelevant but that was beside the point that was just because... he was better than all that, he would do something that would make a difference. He was awake.

An unwelcome thought intruded. Was he? Would he? Or was he just a spoilt, selfish irrelevant boy? Is that what Lily saw in him his irrelevance? Was that what she meant with her lectures on responsibility? Was that why she wouldn't come anywhere near him?

It was rare for James to doubt himself, to feel self...reproach? remorse? but tonight there was a heaviness in his stomach. Oh he just wanted to go to sleep but his brain wouldn't let him rest. He just needed sleep, he knew it would all seem better in the morning...

He just didn't get it.

What did she expect from him? Its not like there was any responsibly he had to take care of Remus was the prefect. She said that he should take responsibility for his actions, it wasn't as if his actions ever hurt anyone...

Now that wasn't true. The admission cost him, he felt ill. He thought back... he thought... of Peter and felt the pricking of Guilt. If he was... honest they, put him down a lot, perhaps too much. But they were his friends if it wasn't for them he wouldn't have any, after all who... would... want... to... The thought trailed off and James felt even worse. Its not like they didn't like him, they did, it was just... that was the way things came out, harsher than they meant sometimes, they didn't really believe it.

He knew that didn't he?

And, James brightened a little, he'd been talking to Peter much more this year, helping him with his work and stuff... only to avoid talking to Sirius though. James wondered if Peter knew that. He must.

James felt depressed, he felt ill. Ok Peter could be annoying and it was irritating when he couldn't keep up and things had to be explained to him repeatedly and he slowed them down but... What a shit friend he was, him James, not Peter. It didn't start out like that, James was sure of it. First year, second year, third year even it had been good, he was sure, they'd all got on great. Pete, Pete was fun if quiet, a bit shy but he was included. It had never occurred to James not to, he was a Griffendor after all.

When did it change? No, not change when did it evolve, transform. Well Peter did have this hero worship thing... James had never questioned its validity. It had created this hierarchy he supposed, with him at the top. No he'd never questioned its legitimacy, he'd just assumed that that was his rightful place. James smiled but there was a bitter edge to his amusement. It seemed it wasn't only Sirius who'd have to... be more aware.

It wasn't as though he'd never been nice to Peter, that's not what he was saying, and it wasn't as though he'd never relied on him. He had. He had relied on him during numerous pranks and he'd relied on him this year. When he couldn't talk to either Remus or Sirius true, but he'd felt he'd started to get to know him, he'd felt he started to value him.

James felt disgusted. It was a pathetic testament to their friendship that he'd only begun to feel he valued him after six years.

Maybe he was being too hard on himself, he'd valued Peter in the early years and now he felt he was beginning to value him again, it was just those years in the middle when they'd lost touch.

James felt suddenly afraid. How could you lose touch with someone you saw everyday? How could you slip apart from someone and not realise it. Slip apart so far you could be standing right beside them and there'd be miles and miles of distance that you couldn't cross. James didn't feel afraid now, he felt terrified. He couldn't imagine anything worse.

He shivered, goosebumps appeared on his arms, the chill of someone walking over his grave crept down his spine.

This was ridiculous.

Why was he thinking of Peter anyway, when he'd started out thinking of Lily, an infinitely more appealing prospect. Well, most of the time.

There was just something about that girl, something more than the way she looked in those faded blue muggle jeans she occasionally wore. Although having said that he certainly wasn't dismissing the way she looked, not by any means. He'd never seen anyone looking so sexy, no one could even come close no matter what Sirius claimed. Ok so Amelia was bloody good looking but next to Lily there was just something forced, polished about her. She was like glass next to crystal or, or something else and yet, for some unfathomable reason Lily seemed to hate his guts and moreover took every opportunity to demonstrate that fact.

What was it about him? He tried he really did but nothing seemed to work. She always seemed to want to think the worst of him, it just wasn't fair. He was the most powerful / intelligent student in the school And Griffindor Quiddich captain what more did she want. Ok so he wasn't the best looking guy but he wasn't repulsive, plenty of other girls had no objection. Penny for one and she'd been in the year above. Which really shouldn't matter, but at school it so does.

What's wrong with her? It was like she had this massive blind spot where James Potter should be. She was just so tense with him all the time, maybe it was because she was, well, muggle born and she felt threatened or jealous? of his purity of blood.

That didn't really sound right, she never seemed the kind of person to focus much on that sort of thing. Also she didn't seem to object, well object all that much, to Sirius and Mei was one of her best friends and she was practically wizarding royalty so that picture didn't fit.

People made too much of the muggle thing.

The way James saw it if you could do magic you were a wizard end of story. Who your parents were or what they did didn't matter one little bit. You lived your own life and were responsible only for your own actions and should accept the consequences. James snorted, there was that bloody word again responsibility. His mind seemed to gravitate inescapably towards it tonight.

All at once James felt the exhaustion he had been feeling since he got home hit him like a ton of bricks. He felt drained as though he would never again have the energy to raise his head from the pillow, an exhaustion so deep that the world faded into the background and all his previously intense emotions became pale shadows of their former selves. Yet still he felt afraid.

He felt afraid but lacked the energy to truly suffer the emotion. It was a low grade, inescapable, insidious fear born of itself. His tiredness seemed to keep it at a distance though and James felt he could observe it dispassionately.

It was really quite remarkable.

Lying still, still staring at the ceiling, breathing deeply James suddenly felt a moment of clarity. He felt, for a moment as though he'd heard a lock click and a door open in his mind. He felt as though his mind was expanding, growing possibilities. His eyes sunk closed, he sighed.

He wondered what was beyond the door. There should be a hill, he liked hills and flowers... Where did the flowers come from? James was confused but he didn't let it bother him. Whatever it was he was sure he would figure it out or find it or...cope. It was at that point James' body which, frustrated after hours of sending pointed messages of fatigue which were just as pointedly ignored shut down his overactive brain and he drifted into sleep.

I would like to thank my sister and those who have helped me. Also another big thank you to the people who took the time to review the last chapter, both times it was posted. Thank You.

Please Review. (On my knees once again. I feel no shame I tell you. No shame.)