Chapter Thirty-two: Never Again.

Summary: Thirty-second chapter. Seventeen to go. That about sums it up.

Late in the afternoon Sirius finally came downstairs looking as tired and exhausted as he had for the past several days. Arabella had made arrangements with Lupin to take Harry into town that evening for supper at the local tavern, giving her time alone to talk to Sirius.

As soon as Sirius caught sight of her sitting alone on the sofa he gave her a characteristic, albeit tired, smile.

"Well, good morning?" He asked tentatively, carefully noting the stern, disapproving expression that greeted him.

"Actually, it's late afternoon." Arabella replied coolly, her arms folded in front of her.

Sirius came into the room and sat next to her. He quickly noticed how quiet the house was. Not a common thing for that time of the day. Arabella herself was usually in the kitchen starting dinner.

Sirius looked around the room. "Where's Harry?"

"I sent him into town with Remus for supper at the tavern." Arabella stated, a little of the coldness leaving her voice.

"Remus is here?"

"He came this afternoon."

Sirius looked at her apprehensively. Something was definitely wrong. "Is it too much to hope that your plan was to give us some time alone?"

"Actually," Arabella stated, turning to him for the first time, "that was exactly my plan."

"Really?" Sirius was getting more confused and more apprehensive by the minute.

"Sirius, we need to talk." Arabella said, her tone now falling to one of outright seriousness.

"All right." He replied.

Arabella paused for a long moment before she continued. "Sirius, I know about the dreams...the trances...whatever you call them."

Sirius sat staring at her as though he hadn't really heard her. But very slowly he turned his head away from her.

"That's the reason Remus was here today. I didn't know what to do or who to call."

His only response to her was to lay his head in his hands as they rested on his knees.

She had expected to feel angry. To pour all her fear and frustration out in one long tirade aimed at him for not telling her the truth. For letting her find out the way she had. But all her anger seemed to dissipate as she sat next to him, watching his exhausted body fight the emotions pent up inside of it. Ones that shook his whole body as they broke free in an agonizing howl of pain.

Arabella quickly wrapped her arms about him, pulling him tightly to her. But he never surrendered to her embrace. If anything he tensed under her touch, as though every point of pressure was physically painful to him.

For a long time they sat so. With every passing minute she could feel him struggling to bring his rampant emotions back under control. When he finally managed the task, he pulled away from her, sitting back up on the couch as he wiped his hands over his face. For a moment he looked about the room as though he didn't know what to say. But finally, though a cracked and strained voice he asked, "How did you find out?"

Arabella stared at her hands. "Harry and I....heard you this afternoon. You screamed...up in your room. We thought something was wrong. That someone had gotten into the house."

"Harry too?" Sirius asked past the smallest, embarrassed laugh.

Arabella wanted so desperately to be kind. To deny for him that Harry heard or saw anything. But she knew the kindness wouldn't last long. Instead she nodded slightly. "He ran into your room with me." She paused for a long moment. "We found you sitting on the floor."

"Screaming like a raving lunatic." Sirius finished for her. His voice now was low and neutral.

"More like a man reliving the worst horror of his life."

"I'm sure I made quite the impression on you and Harry. Remus at least is used to it."

"It would have been a little less frightening if you had told us." Arabella offered, keeping her own voice as kind and sympathetic as she could.

"Told you what? Your worst fear was true? That the man who went into Azkaban isn't the same one who came out?" Sirius asked, reminding Arabella of what she had said to him so many weeks ago as they sat at her kitchen table. "Oh, he looks like the man you loved. Talks the same. Acts the same. He's just stark raving insane now. Like all of them."

"Is that what you were worried about? Is that why you didn't tell me? Because you were afraid of how I would feel about you if I knew the truth?"

Sirius turned to her with an almost defiant stare. "No. Because I was afraid. Period. And that that is what you would see. What Harry would see. The man who was suppose to be taking care of the two of you, the one everyone was depending on to be strong, to be prepared to fight...the man who was suppose to be protecting you, curled up in a corner screaming like a three year old afraid of the dark."

"I would say you had good cause. Your dark is a little deeper than most of ours."

Sirius didn't respond. He only rested his head against his hands as he propped them up on his knees.

Arabella sat for a moment, trying to think of what to say. "Well," she ventured finally, "at least this explanation is a lot less frightening than the others."

"Others?" Sirius looked at her.

She gave him a small smile. "Did you think I haven't known something was wrong?" She asked. "You've been walking around the house like you were in a daze for days now. I thought you were sleeping all night and half the day. I was afraid something had gone wrong with the potion. With Snape's cure. That you were sick somehow. Then I discovered the reason you were so tired during the day was because you weren't sleeping at night at all....."

"You knew about that?"

"I discovered that only the last few nights. I watched you sitting up all night, trying to stay awake. I just didn't understand the reason why."

Sirius covered his face with his hands again, shaking his head. "Oh, 'Bella," he cried dismally, "I am so sorry. Sorry I worried you so badly. That I put you through all of this. I never saw how what was happening to me was frightening you. All I could imagine was how frightened you would be if you ever saw the truth."

"Sirius!" She stated, taking his face in her hands. "Now listen to me. Heaven knows I should be angry with you. Mad enough to kick your ass to the curb for worrying me so badly. But when I look at it now, and I understand all the reasons you did what you did, and what you went through trying not to worry me," her expression dissolved into a soft smile, "I don't think I could love you more."

Sirius surprised himself by managing a small smile. The calm and ever resourceful brown-haired woman at his side never ceased to amaze him. And some day he swore he would make her faith in him worth everything she had been through for it.

Arabella leaned over and lightly kissed him on the lips. But as with all their kisses, what started out as a tentative gesture, quickly grew in intensity as though it were a small flame, fanned by the winds from a hurricane. Soon she found herself wrapped tightly in his arms, lost in the wild surge of pleasure as his mouth opened over her's.

Several minutes later she pulled away from him with a tearing reluctance, wishing as always that the kiss could have lasted forever.

Arabella quickly straightened her robes and fixed a hard stare on the man sitting next to her. "But," she stated sternly, "if I ever find out you have lied to me like this again, I swear to you I will hang your skinned body from the gables of this house for the entire world to see. Is that clear enough to you?"

Sirius stared back at her in mute shock, then nodded with the smallest smile. "Crystal."

************************

It was near nine when Lupin returned to the house with Harry.

Met at the door by Sirius, Lupin gave him a disappointed stare.

"Oh, you're still alive." He stated bleakly as Arabella quickly led Harry off to the kitchen. "She promised she was going to kill you."

"She nearly did." Sirius replied.

"But honestly," Lupin stated more solemnly, "have you two sorted this out?"

"We will." Sirius promised. "But we need to talk to Harry now. He deserves to understand as well."

"Well, since you're handing out explanations so freely, perhaps you could give me one."

"You? You know about this, Remus. What do you need an explanation for?"

"Why did you stop taking the potion I made for you?" Lupin asked. "It was working wasn't it? It stopped the dreams."

"It stopped all dreams, Remus." Sirius replied in exasperation. "Honestly I don't know why I take half those fowl things you've given me over the years."

"Because they worked?" Lupin ventured.

"Well, this one worked too well. Yes, it stopped the dreams. But it didn't allow me to dream at all then. A few weeks of that stuff and I felt like I was going crazier than I already was. So in the end I decided to stop taking it."

"How did you hide this from Arabella and Harry so long?"

"I've only been sleeping in Arabella's room for a few nights. To protect her." He added quickly under Lupin's questioning gaze. "Ever since Harry told us about the dream he had that seemed to indicate Arabella may be Voldemort's next target. Before that I slept in my own room and put a simple silencing charm on it. That way I could scream myself hoarse, and Arabella and Harry would never know."

"So why didn't you do that this time?"

"I did. But my magic must still be so weak that the spell failed."

"A good thing it did." Lupin replied. "From Arabella's description of how you were getting on, I doubt you'd have been able to carry on much longer." Lupin studied his friend's expression for a moment. "It's better that they know, Sirius." He added finally. "They deserve that much from you."

Sirius paused for a second, then slowly shook his head. "What are they going to think now, Moony?" He asked quietly. "How can they have any faith in my ability to protect them any more? It was barely there to begin with when I lost my magic. Now they'll think I'm some insane lunatic."

"Is that what Arabella told you?"

Sirius shook his head again. "She said it doesn't matter to her. That she understands with everything I must have gone through...." His voice slowly trailed off.

"Then believe her." Lupin stated determinedly. "And believe your godson when he says the same thing. Because I know he will."

Sirius looked as though Lupin were asking the impossible.

"Sirius, they love you." Lupin said quietly. "And the responsibility to protect them isn't just yours. I'm here too. And Arabella and Harry aren't defenseless children. Harry's defeated Voldemort at his own game four times now. Arabella is one of the best Auror's I've ever met. We're not standing behind you, Sirius, begging you to save us from Voldemort. We're standing beside you, offering to help fight him."

Sirius paused for a moment, then suddenly reached out and grabbed Lupin in a tight embrace. "Thank you, Moony." He whispered. "It does help."

"You let me know if you need me." Lupin replied as he pulled back from Sirius. "I'm just a fire away." And with that he disapparated.

Sirius stood for a moment, staring out past the space where Lupin had been standing. Finally he wiped his hand over tired eyes and turned to go back in the house. To face possibly the worst part of the whole ordeal.