Call Me Cutter
I am a loser. I am nothing. I am Danielle. It wasn't always this way. No, not at all I used to be "normal." But, some where down the line I became
well, not normal. But, I am not Danielle. I am Cutter.
**
*
I'm walking down the street minding my own business when Adam comes up behind me. "Boo!" he says because it is mid-October. I turn around slowly pulling my long sleeves farther over my hands. "Why did you do that, Adam?"
I asked him. "Because, it's October, Dan (my nickname)." He replies.
I used to always enjoy the Holidays. Even Hanukkah counting the fact I'm
not Jewish. I just love holiday's period. But, now they aren't that important. The only thing that is important is when I cut myself. When the
pain goes away, when I bleed. I snap back to reality as our school bus pulls up. Adam finds us a seat near the far back, He's the only friend I
have. Everyone else won't talk to me. Although Adam, knows talking to a person like me is bad he doesn't care. I think that's why he's so awesome. Of course he doesn't know I cut-nobody does. I like it that way. You know
having my own little secret. Adam ruffles my hair. He brings me back to reality. "Hey stop, it!" I whisper to him. He smiles at me sweetly "Sorry, Dan you're always so defensive." I look away from him those dark brown eyes
can make me feel really bad.
**
* I say goodbye to Adam and walk to my locker. I hate 8th grade it sucks just as much as 6th and 7th. I go to my locker and stand there fumbling with the lock. Number, left, number, right, number, left. Bam! It's finally open and I jam my books in. I take out my books for life science, algebra2, history and English. The only class I like is English. I get to write. I'm good at writing. Most people don't understand why, or maybe they just don't try to.
I take my seat in class next to, Lissa. I hate her with a very strong passion. She's so beautiful, popular, has all the guys. And guess what? She despises me. Today she looks over at me and smiles. I turn around is one of her friends around? A hott guy? Nope, just me. "Danielle, how are you? Can we talk?" She asked me. This is it I can be really rude and say something like "no I don't think so, you evil bitch." But, I don't-I'm speechless, I nod my head for some reason. "Um, okay is Adam dating anyone? Are you two
going out?" I'm stunned by the question I was just asked. Adam! No, although I don't like him I won't have her take him away from me. No sirry, I will not have it. "Um last time I checked he was dating Caroline a girl
from another school." I said turning away.
**
* At lunch I sit with Adam. "Do you know what Lissa asked me today doing 1st hour?" Adam looked at me "What did she do? I swear I'll tell her off!" He said. "No, no that's not it. She wanted to know if you were dating someone. I told her you were dating some girl named Caroline from another school." Adam looked at me "She wants to go out with me? I mean if it's all right with you?" I look at Adam amazed. This is the girl who has made my life a living hell, the girl who teases me, makes fun of me, and calls me names. "I don't mind, but if you go out what's she going to think of my lie?" I asked. Adam bit out of his sandwich "I'll tell her you didn't know Caroline and I had broke it off ages ago." Said Adam like it was no big thing. "So, are you going to ditch me now?" asked him. "Never, we've been friends since kindergarten, Dan! Anyway I don't know if Lissa's the girl for me." Said
Adam. I had a feeling this was all a lie.
**
* After school I walk home instead of taking the bus. Maybe Adam will notice I didn't ride. Maybe not, after all he was to busy talking about his date with Lissa. I hate her even more now. So, I walk in. My Dad is sitting at the kitchen table writing out checks to pay bills. He doesn't date since my Mom died of breast cancer. I was 10. "Hi, Dan. How are you?" He asked me smiling. "Fine." I said going up to my room. I slammed the door. Sometimes, I feel that I should talk to Dad more. That he's only trying to help. Then
I realize he's still grieving. I miss my mom. I bet if she were here, I
wouldn't feel this way. I snap out of it. I go to my bathroom and got a razor. I cut a little line for each person I love. My mother my father and Adam. I cut one for that evil girl Lissa. The blood trickles down onto my shirt, arms, and sink. It hurts, for a little bit, then it stings then I just enjoy the high I'm getting from it. Sometimes I wanna stop. I know I could if I really wanted to. But, I don't. It's an obsession, like those
who are obsessed with celebrities, shopping, murder, etc. I am obsessed
with cutting myself when things get to out of control.
**
*
After I get the blood to stop I put band-aides on my cuts and put on my favorite white hoody. I go down the stairs and see my Dad cooking dinner. His specialty stir-fry. I smile because he's really into it. He's all out with it. He's dancing around the marble kitchen floor with his little black
apron that says "# 1 Dad and Cook." I like to make believe he is the #1 dad. Maybe he is, maybe I'm just not the #1 daughter. "Hey, Dan. Aren't you warm in that hoody? It's getting dirty. Wear your red, gray, blue or black one more." Said my Dad. I looked at him. Daniel Morgan, always trying to be the perfect person. Poor dad. I'm just not perfect enough to belong to him. When I don't answer but, shoot him evil looks he lays off my dirty hoody.
We sit at our small 2-chair kitchen glass table and eat the stir-fry quietly. "Where's Adam today, Dan?" He asked me. "On a date, with Lissa." I
answer pick at my stir-fry. Even my father understands how I feel about Lissa, by the way I said her name with such struggle like I have to muster all my strength just to say "Lissa." My Dad looks at me then excuses me to my room. I take the stir-fry with me. I go up to my room and turn the TV on to Cartoon Network. Never, to old for cartoons. Right when I'm about to go to sleep I get a call. "Hello?" I ask irritated, after all it is 11:57pm.
"Danielle? I know I never call you past 11pm, but, I'm in love!" It was Adam. So, after listening to him talk about how great Lissa is I feel sick.
When we get off the phone I cut myself extra deep and barf.
**
* I get up the next morning at 5:30am. My sheet has blood on it and my right arm has a pulse. I hurriedly put on my hoody and go to the kitchen. My Dad has cooked pancakes, sausage, egg and toast. "Hello, Dan, how is my little princess?" He asked me smiling. I knew something had to be wrong. "Dad, are
you okay?" I ask him. He looks me dead in the eyes and smiles. "I got a raise. $20.00 that strike last year really paid off Dan!" Said my Dad. I hadn't seen my dad so happy since my Mom was alive. He always complained
how the teacher (he teaches 5th grade at my old school) didn't get paid enough for dealing with "brats." "That's wonderful, Dad." I sat smiling and
going to my room. I did the usual put on a pair of blue jeans, tennis shoes, a T-shirt. I looked at the white hoody I had on and decided to wear
my blue one instead. I washed my face and brushed my teeth. When I got
downstairs my Dad offered me something to eat but I realized I had 5 minutes to make it to the bus stop. When I got there I didn't see Adam. Oh
well. So, I take a sit near the back expecting Adam to come in at any
moment smiling ruffling my hair saying "hi, Dan!" But, he never did.
**
* When I got to school I was walking to my locker when Adam jumped dead in front of me. "Where were you?" I asked. "Oh, I got a ride with Lissa and her Dad. Lissa and I went to the carnival last night. I got you something, hope you like it." Said Adam handing me a small old looking book. "What's this?" I asked. "Take a look!" He said excited. It said on the cover "The Diary of an Accused Witch: I Was 13 in the Salem Witch Trial." I looked up at Adam then back down at the book. I was happy on one hand because, all my
life I'd had a strange obsession with the supernatural, vampires, werewolves, and witches—anything. But, I was especially with the witches.
The way they were burned on the steak during mid-evil times. How some
thought they were evil, some didn't. The way its blue magic and black
magic..."Dan? Do you like it?" Asked Adam. "Yes." I said. "Lissa knew you would." Said Adam. This infuriated me. Was this Lissa's way of saying she thinks I'm some sort of witch? I shouldn't have said that around Adam. But, I did. "Oh, so Lissa thinks I'm a witch? You do too. Well, maybe we just shouldn't be friends at all, Adam! Yeah, that's it." I said running off.
"Dan, it's not like that, listen!" Adam called after me. "My name is Danielle!" I screamed running to the girls bathroom tears staining my eyes.
**
* Every since that day I refuse to be called "Dan." It's either Danielle or my "new" nickname Elle. Elle sounds much more like a girl than "Dan." I refuse to speak to Adam. This leaves me with how many friends? None. Sometimes, I miss Adam. He listened to me. But, this "new Adam" he's become is just, sickening. He goes to all the wild parties, drinks, smokes and does things even I won't mention. Sometimes, when he does realize I'm there and he tries to say hi I say "crap" run off. It's not what I really wanna say, of course. So, I'm just...there now. Well, I'm at home now sitting there watching TV. I wonder what Adam is doing. WHAT? Why am I wondering this? Have I been inside to long? Yes, that's it. I'll just go outside for some nice fresh air. So, I walk outside. I start to go inside and ask Dad what's he cooking then I realize he's at my "Parent Teacher Conference." He asked if I wanted to go. I said no. So, I'm sitting outside when the kid from next door accidentally kicked his football in the yard. He's kinda cute reminds me of a guy, Ryan Cooley from a show called "Degrassi: The Next Generation", I used to watch. "Um, hi." He says. "Hi." I answer back. "I'm Jason." He says. "Danielle." I answer. "You go to Mitherson Middle?" He asked me. What do I say now? I mean yes, I do go to Mitherson but he could be anyone. A deranged serial killer, a young rapist--some mean guy playing a trick on me. Or he could be Jason my neighbor. I hesitate then answer "yeah, you?" He says, "Yeah, I'm 8th grade. You're in 2 of my classes I never talk to you because you're always with that Adam guy." He says. I'm flattered that he knows so much about me. I invite him in for soda. We talk and I'm really happy. For once in my whole 13 year existence.
**
* Jason is obsessed with Anime. He especially enjoys Chinese and Japanese Anime. His favorite band is Simple Plan and his favorite show is The Simpson's. His last girlfriend's name was Courtney, and she cheated on him. He moved to Newton-Berry, Missouri from Manhattan, New York. He has a younger sister named Abbiana—Abbi for short. Jason's really interesting which is why I'm sure he'll realize I'm totally not the best friend type or whatever.
**
* When Dad came in I was in my room watching MTV. The conference with my teachers weren't too good. I'm a "nice kid" and if I "applied myself" I could be a "real achiever." Blah. That's the same thing this dumb school district has been preaching to me since 6th grade. I've been telling Dad to send me to a boarding school in England or some private school, in the woods. He says boarding school is to expensive and that I wouldn't like private school. Doesn't he realize it was a rhetorical question? Score! English vocabulary word, one point. What, I'm not at school.
**
* It's morning again. Ugh-oh, I didn't do my math, life science or social studies homework. I did English—write an 2 page story. I don't know why I didn't do Social Studies, I kinda like it. Oh well. I was walking to the bus stop. Today I looked kinda stylish. Black shoes, black slacks and a pink-sweater turtleneck. I know not exactly "stylish" but for me it is. So, anyway I'm walking and Jason looks out his window and calls my name. Danielle. I like the way Jason says my name. All slow and special, like I'm the only girl he's ever known with the name Danielle. Then again I probably am. "Hey." He says. "Hi." I say. There's a long pause then I mention I've never seen him at the bus stop before. He says it's because he wanted to ask me something. "What?" I ask looking up at him. "Well, um are you busy tonight?" He asked me nervously. "No. Why?" I asked. "It's just I was going to see a movie. I don't really know where the good theatres are and I was wondering if you'd like to show me? I mean go with me. We can see whatever you want." Said Jason nervously. I was really—weird. I know huh? It's just the only guy I've ever been to the movies with is Adam and my Dad if he counts as a "guy." Is this a date? No. Jason stated his-self he only needed someone to show him around. So, I say yes and he says he'll be at my house around 7:30pm. When we get on the bus I see Adam, I glance at him then go on to the back and sit with Jason. Adam walks over as I'm talking to Jason about going to the library after school. "Hey, Dan." Says Adam with his thumbs in his jean pockets. "It's Danielle or Elle. And goodbye Adam, or do you prefer super stupid I like to get high bastard?" I said raising an eyebrow. Jason laughed; Adam looked uncomfortable. "Neither, but I deserved that. Listen, Dan—Elle, I'm really sorry for whatever it is I did to you, can we get over it?" Asked Adam. I was stunned. "Where's Lissa? And you're sorry for blowing me off, being a total jerk, coming to school high and drunk, ignoring me and totally being weird? I don't think so. You did the exact thing you said you wouldn't. You abandoned me. If you did it once you'd do it again. Please leave now I'm engaging in a great conversation with my friend Jason." I said turning to Jason and ignoring Adam. "Okay, fine. But, just so you know I broke up with Lissa because, she doesn't like you." Said Adam going back to his seat. I never felt so low.
**
* When I got home my Dad had a note on the door to his room. It said he wouldn't be home until 7:30pm. He has to tutor a little girl in math. That's cool, it gives me privacy to cut. This is not the way I should be running from my problems. But, it's a lot easy than confronting them. So, I go get my friend The Razor. I cut my right arm instead of my left. I cut really deep. I feel dizzy and go lye down.
**
* I woke up around 7:00pm, and go check bathroom (where I cut) blood stains are all over the bathroom floor. Thank God, Dad didn't get the cushioned white carpet in there like my room. My cut isn't bleeding anymore but it stings like hell. I clean the stains then get ready for the movie with Jason. What to wear, what to wear? I've never been to the movies with someone as cute as Jason. Right now it would be great to have a friend who was a girl. I do the only thing I could—pick clothes. I went threw my closet. I had tons of clothes my Dad had bought me from Delia*s last Christmas. I'd never even wore them because, they were to "girlie". I settled on a black mini, a black turtleneck, black Converses, black socks and I put my hair in one ponytail. Then I decided to wear my black choker. I called my Dad around 7:15p to let him know I would be home when he got in. At 7:30p, on the dot Jason was at my door. He looked really...casual. But, cute casual. He had on plain blue jeans, green Converses and a green vintage tee. "Wow." Said Jason as soon as he got to the door. "What? Do I look really bad? Is it the skirt? God, I'm bad." I said smiling. "No, not at all. You look really great. Let's go. We're going to take the train to this little theatre about 25 miles away in a little town called Franklin." Said Jason. "I thought you didn't know where anything was?" I asked as we walked to the train station. "I didn't but I researched cuz I wanted this to be perfect. My...First...Date." Said Jason looking at me nervously. "It's mine too." I said
**
* The date was what's that word? Amazing. Yes, plain, amazing. Maybe we'll do it again. Must call Adam now maybe I can clear things up with him. "Hello? Smith residence, Adam speaking." I giggled that same little "hello" ever since we were 7 at least. "Hi, Adam it's Danielle. Listen, about today I'm really, really, really sorry. I was totally wrong to be such a bitch." I said. Adam was silent and for a second I thought he'd hang up. Then he said really slowly almost in a whisper "it's okay. I kinda deserved it, Danielle. I was really crude to you and I'm sorry. But, it's unfair. You see Lissa got you that book because, she saw you reading a book on witchcraft once YOU totally took it the wrong way. You always think someone is against you out to get you and I just can't—I can't take it. Goodbye." And click that was it. Adam was saying "you're a weird freak, don't speak to me." That's okay he'll burn in hell
**
*
I'm lying in bed staring up at my hot pink ceiling. I smile. I remember that the last thing my Mom and me did together. It was Saturday around noon we were supposed to go on a pic-nick but it was raining. So she was sitting reading Oprah Magazine I was playing with a Barbie. Then, she looked up suddenly her eyes so thoughtful. She said, "how about we paint that room of yours?" I was sooo happy let me tell ya. I'd had those same puke green walls since I was like 3. I jumped up and went to the attic and tried to pull out the paint. She laughed ad picked them up for me. First we did the edges in a pale blue then we did the hot pink and glazed over it. In the end I had paint in my hair, on my nose and I had my hand print on the corner in my wall. My Mom put hers' right next to mine and there they were. I get up out of bed and put on my slippers. I went over to that corner and my little hand and my Mom's medium hand was still there. A little faded but, there. I put my hand in my old print it was waaaaay to big. Then I put my hand in my Mom's and it fit perfectly. Was it the mood? Was it something in my eye? Or did I just miss her? Whatever it was I pulled my knees up to my chin, held myself and sobbed.
**
*
I wake up the next morning and go to my bathroom to shower. I take a quick glance in the mirror; my hair is everywhere and my eyes are puffy and sticky. That's what I get for crying. I take my shower and comb my hair and get dressed. I remembered Jason and decided it wouldn't hurt to look a little nice. I put on a short khaki skirt, a white elbow length sweater, black boots and lip gloss. Still, I put my hair in a ponytail. There, I looked kinda OK. When I was putting my books in my bag I realized something. That was the first time I'd cried since my Mom died. Three years. It's amazing how I could go three years without shedding one itsy bitsy tear. Anyway, I walk across the lawn and knock on Jason's door. His Mom comes I think her name is Darcy. "Hi, honey. You must be...Danielle? Yes, Jason talks about you all the time. He was never this happy in New York." Says his mother. She pauses and puts her finger to her mouth and looks me up and down thoughtfully. "I think you'll be good for him. Yes, yes, you will." She said quietly and then turning to call his name. What was that? Could she read my very soul that way? A little girl in a white T-shirt and little pink shorts with ZzZzZ's on them came to the door. Her bright eyes looking up at me innocently. "Hi! I'm Abbiana, what's your name?" She asked me. "Hi, Abbiana. I'm Danielle people call me...Elle, I mean Dan." I said. "Oh, well people call me Abbi. Isn't Dan a boys name?" She asked. Then I realized I didn't want to be called Dan anymore but it just felt right.
**
* Jason came out about 10 minutes later. He had on almost the same pants only this time with an orange vintage tee. "So, you met the aliens." He said nervously.
I hesitated; do I laugh it off? Do I agree? "Ha, ha, ha very funny. Your sister—Abbi, is really sweet. Your Mom is um, nice." I said quickly.
"I know she's weird." Said Jason grabbing my hand quickly as we walked to the bus stop.
**
* We saw Adam at the bus stop it made me happy to be holding Jason's hand. "You still talk to that kid?" Asked Jason nodding his head at Adam as we sat on the bus (this time in the front).
"No." I answered. We walked and sat down.
**
*
A good author puts her self in the place of the character she's writing about. Like instead of saying, "Melissa walked past" she would say, "I walked by." I guess this is why I'm a picky reader. I don't want the best just what's best to me. I also don't just read anything that's lying around. My favorite book is Catalyst. The girl in the book, the main character I guess, is Kate. I love her love she's like this feminist who doesn't know she's one. She was set on getting into MIT but, she didn't and it was like her whole existence was nothing—at all. So, she's dealing when all of a sudden her father "The Reverend" messes her life up BIG time. Ugh, must I go on? I really should start on my homework. I wonder where, I'll go to college. I unlike Kate have my mind set on something not so complex as MIT. Something more mellow like some little hippie university out in Cali. That'll be cool, not UCLA to modern just something laid back with really good professors. But whom am I kidding? With my grades I'm lucky if I go to the local community college (not that I wouldn't go to one cuz I would). I snap out of dreams of the future and decide to call Jason.
"May I speak to Jason?" I asked nervously.
"Sure, honey hold on. JASON! TELOPHONE!" Screamed Jason's Mom. My ears started to ring.
"Hi, Dan." Said Jason I could tell he was grinning over the phone.
"Hola, how'd ya know it was me?" I asked.
"You're the only person who knows my number anyway, I can see you in the window." He said laughing.
I looked over nervously to my surprise Jason waved at me from next door.
"Holy shit you scared me!" I said.
"You curse? Oh well, I'll be over if you want?" He asked.
"Sure..." I said letting it trail off as he hung up the phone.
Jason was over in 10 seconds tops. I sat out on the porch extremely nervous.
"What's on your arm?" He asked me pointing to one of the cuts.
"I'm hella clumsy did that when I was cutting carrots." I said.
Jason looked at me. I felt like he could see through my lie. As quiet as he was it was just something in his eyes but, he let it go and kissed my forehead gently. "I love you." He told me.
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say and Jason sensed that.
"You don't have to say anything back to me. When you're ready you can. I just want you to know I love you and if...if you ever need to tell me something please do." Jason took my hand and kissed it.
"I gotta go." I said taking back my hand and running in the house.
I went in my room and sat on the bed. No boy other than Dad had told me he loved me. Not even Adam. Was it possible that Jason could love me in the 2 weeks he'd known me? Is it possible that I was lovable? I closed the blinds in my window and changed into my nightgown and went to sleep at 4pm.
**
*
I woke up at mid-night. I sighed because the last thing I wanted was to be up all night. I went in the den on turned on the TV. I flipped through channels. Vids on MTV, That's so Raven on Disney and Degrassi on Noggin. I settled for Degrassi, which was the classic Manny and Craig have sex episode. I hated this episode there was enough of this kind of shit in my school. I heard my Dad's footsteps.
"Danielle punky pooh what are you doing awake?" He asked me.
"I slept for 8 straight hours Daddy."
My Dad sat on the couch next to me. "I was thinking about your Mom." He said.
Dad never talked about Mom. Not Ever.
"Oh." Was all I could utter.
"Do you ever think about her? I do, I miss her smile most. How about you?"
A small secret smile came upon my face filled with shadows. "I miss...her voice." I said.
Dad nodded as if in agreement then got up. He left and came back with my old Minne Mouse blanket I hadn't seen since first grade and he covered us both and we watched Degrassi. I fell right back to sleep, feeling safe in my father's arms.
Chapter 2
The next morning when I woke up Dad had already left for work. I went upstairs to shower and get dressed.
"Danielle!" Called Jason as soon as I walked outside.
"Hey." I said turning and smiling. "Listen there's something I wanna tell you." I was prepared to tell him I loved him.
"I wanna tell you something too!" Said Jason.
"Well, uh you first." I said.
"No you." Said Jason.
"Okay well..." I leaned in for a kiss. "I love you." I whispered after the kiss (his breath tasted like mint.)
He took my face in his hands I noticed the traces of gray in his brown eyes.
"And I love you. But, I have to go." He said.
"Where home?" I asked confused.
"You could say that. Well, my parents have worked out this erm, arrangement. I live with my dad in New York for the rest of the school and Abbi will live here with my mom for the rest of the school year. Then we'll switch off."
I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
Jason kissed my cheek. "Please don't cry Dan."
"Why shouldn't I? You're the only person other than my Dad who could possibly love me."
"Oh no that's not true. Never, could it be. Now I can't go to school today. I gotta pack for my flight this afternoon." Said Jason quietly.
"Your what...this afternoon. Jason please don't leave me I...I can't do this."
Jason kissed each of my eyes ever so softly. "I love you Danielle."
"Will you love me no matter what?" I asked faintly.
"Of course." He replied.
My body started to shake and I pulled up my right sleeve. All the cuts were revealed.
"Oh my God." Whispered Jason.
"I...I...do you still love me?" I asked my voice shaking.
"More than you'll ever know."
I am a loser. I am nothing. I am Danielle. It wasn't always this way. No, not at all I used to be "normal." But, some where down the line I became
well, not normal. But, I am not Danielle. I am Cutter.
**
*
I'm walking down the street minding my own business when Adam comes up behind me. "Boo!" he says because it is mid-October. I turn around slowly pulling my long sleeves farther over my hands. "Why did you do that, Adam?"
I asked him. "Because, it's October, Dan (my nickname)." He replies.
I used to always enjoy the Holidays. Even Hanukkah counting the fact I'm
not Jewish. I just love holiday's period. But, now they aren't that important. The only thing that is important is when I cut myself. When the
pain goes away, when I bleed. I snap back to reality as our school bus pulls up. Adam finds us a seat near the far back, He's the only friend I
have. Everyone else won't talk to me. Although Adam, knows talking to a person like me is bad he doesn't care. I think that's why he's so awesome. Of course he doesn't know I cut-nobody does. I like it that way. You know
having my own little secret. Adam ruffles my hair. He brings me back to reality. "Hey stop, it!" I whisper to him. He smiles at me sweetly "Sorry, Dan you're always so defensive." I look away from him those dark brown eyes
can make me feel really bad.
**
* I say goodbye to Adam and walk to my locker. I hate 8th grade it sucks just as much as 6th and 7th. I go to my locker and stand there fumbling with the lock. Number, left, number, right, number, left. Bam! It's finally open and I jam my books in. I take out my books for life science, algebra2, history and English. The only class I like is English. I get to write. I'm good at writing. Most people don't understand why, or maybe they just don't try to.
I take my seat in class next to, Lissa. I hate her with a very strong passion. She's so beautiful, popular, has all the guys. And guess what? She despises me. Today she looks over at me and smiles. I turn around is one of her friends around? A hott guy? Nope, just me. "Danielle, how are you? Can we talk?" She asked me. This is it I can be really rude and say something like "no I don't think so, you evil bitch." But, I don't-I'm speechless, I nod my head for some reason. "Um, okay is Adam dating anyone? Are you two
going out?" I'm stunned by the question I was just asked. Adam! No, although I don't like him I won't have her take him away from me. No sirry, I will not have it. "Um last time I checked he was dating Caroline a girl
from another school." I said turning away.
**
* At lunch I sit with Adam. "Do you know what Lissa asked me today doing 1st hour?" Adam looked at me "What did she do? I swear I'll tell her off!" He said. "No, no that's not it. She wanted to know if you were dating someone. I told her you were dating some girl named Caroline from another school." Adam looked at me "She wants to go out with me? I mean if it's all right with you?" I look at Adam amazed. This is the girl who has made my life a living hell, the girl who teases me, makes fun of me, and calls me names. "I don't mind, but if you go out what's she going to think of my lie?" I asked. Adam bit out of his sandwich "I'll tell her you didn't know Caroline and I had broke it off ages ago." Said Adam like it was no big thing. "So, are you going to ditch me now?" asked him. "Never, we've been friends since kindergarten, Dan! Anyway I don't know if Lissa's the girl for me." Said
Adam. I had a feeling this was all a lie.
**
* After school I walk home instead of taking the bus. Maybe Adam will notice I didn't ride. Maybe not, after all he was to busy talking about his date with Lissa. I hate her even more now. So, I walk in. My Dad is sitting at the kitchen table writing out checks to pay bills. He doesn't date since my Mom died of breast cancer. I was 10. "Hi, Dan. How are you?" He asked me smiling. "Fine." I said going up to my room. I slammed the door. Sometimes, I feel that I should talk to Dad more. That he's only trying to help. Then
I realize he's still grieving. I miss my mom. I bet if she were here, I
wouldn't feel this way. I snap out of it. I go to my bathroom and got a razor. I cut a little line for each person I love. My mother my father and Adam. I cut one for that evil girl Lissa. The blood trickles down onto my shirt, arms, and sink. It hurts, for a little bit, then it stings then I just enjoy the high I'm getting from it. Sometimes I wanna stop. I know I could if I really wanted to. But, I don't. It's an obsession, like those
who are obsessed with celebrities, shopping, murder, etc. I am obsessed
with cutting myself when things get to out of control.
**
*
After I get the blood to stop I put band-aides on my cuts and put on my favorite white hoody. I go down the stairs and see my Dad cooking dinner. His specialty stir-fry. I smile because he's really into it. He's all out with it. He's dancing around the marble kitchen floor with his little black
apron that says "# 1 Dad and Cook." I like to make believe he is the #1 dad. Maybe he is, maybe I'm just not the #1 daughter. "Hey, Dan. Aren't you warm in that hoody? It's getting dirty. Wear your red, gray, blue or black one more." Said my Dad. I looked at him. Daniel Morgan, always trying to be the perfect person. Poor dad. I'm just not perfect enough to belong to him. When I don't answer but, shoot him evil looks he lays off my dirty hoody.
We sit at our small 2-chair kitchen glass table and eat the stir-fry quietly. "Where's Adam today, Dan?" He asked me. "On a date, with Lissa." I
answer pick at my stir-fry. Even my father understands how I feel about Lissa, by the way I said her name with such struggle like I have to muster all my strength just to say "Lissa." My Dad looks at me then excuses me to my room. I take the stir-fry with me. I go up to my room and turn the TV on to Cartoon Network. Never, to old for cartoons. Right when I'm about to go to sleep I get a call. "Hello?" I ask irritated, after all it is 11:57pm.
"Danielle? I know I never call you past 11pm, but, I'm in love!" It was Adam. So, after listening to him talk about how great Lissa is I feel sick.
When we get off the phone I cut myself extra deep and barf.
**
* I get up the next morning at 5:30am. My sheet has blood on it and my right arm has a pulse. I hurriedly put on my hoody and go to the kitchen. My Dad has cooked pancakes, sausage, egg and toast. "Hello, Dan, how is my little princess?" He asked me smiling. I knew something had to be wrong. "Dad, are
you okay?" I ask him. He looks me dead in the eyes and smiles. "I got a raise. $20.00 that strike last year really paid off Dan!" Said my Dad. I hadn't seen my dad so happy since my Mom was alive. He always complained
how the teacher (he teaches 5th grade at my old school) didn't get paid enough for dealing with "brats." "That's wonderful, Dad." I sat smiling and
going to my room. I did the usual put on a pair of blue jeans, tennis shoes, a T-shirt. I looked at the white hoody I had on and decided to wear
my blue one instead. I washed my face and brushed my teeth. When I got
downstairs my Dad offered me something to eat but I realized I had 5 minutes to make it to the bus stop. When I got there I didn't see Adam. Oh
well. So, I take a sit near the back expecting Adam to come in at any
moment smiling ruffling my hair saying "hi, Dan!" But, he never did.
**
* When I got to school I was walking to my locker when Adam jumped dead in front of me. "Where were you?" I asked. "Oh, I got a ride with Lissa and her Dad. Lissa and I went to the carnival last night. I got you something, hope you like it." Said Adam handing me a small old looking book. "What's this?" I asked. "Take a look!" He said excited. It said on the cover "The Diary of an Accused Witch: I Was 13 in the Salem Witch Trial." I looked up at Adam then back down at the book. I was happy on one hand because, all my
life I'd had a strange obsession with the supernatural, vampires, werewolves, and witches—anything. But, I was especially with the witches.
The way they were burned on the steak during mid-evil times. How some
thought they were evil, some didn't. The way its blue magic and black
magic..."Dan? Do you like it?" Asked Adam. "Yes." I said. "Lissa knew you would." Said Adam. This infuriated me. Was this Lissa's way of saying she thinks I'm some sort of witch? I shouldn't have said that around Adam. But, I did. "Oh, so Lissa thinks I'm a witch? You do too. Well, maybe we just shouldn't be friends at all, Adam! Yeah, that's it." I said running off.
"Dan, it's not like that, listen!" Adam called after me. "My name is Danielle!" I screamed running to the girls bathroom tears staining my eyes.
**
* Every since that day I refuse to be called "Dan." It's either Danielle or my "new" nickname Elle. Elle sounds much more like a girl than "Dan." I refuse to speak to Adam. This leaves me with how many friends? None. Sometimes, I miss Adam. He listened to me. But, this "new Adam" he's become is just, sickening. He goes to all the wild parties, drinks, smokes and does things even I won't mention. Sometimes, when he does realize I'm there and he tries to say hi I say "crap" run off. It's not what I really wanna say, of course. So, I'm just...there now. Well, I'm at home now sitting there watching TV. I wonder what Adam is doing. WHAT? Why am I wondering this? Have I been inside to long? Yes, that's it. I'll just go outside for some nice fresh air. So, I walk outside. I start to go inside and ask Dad what's he cooking then I realize he's at my "Parent Teacher Conference." He asked if I wanted to go. I said no. So, I'm sitting outside when the kid from next door accidentally kicked his football in the yard. He's kinda cute reminds me of a guy, Ryan Cooley from a show called "Degrassi: The Next Generation", I used to watch. "Um, hi." He says. "Hi." I answer back. "I'm Jason." He says. "Danielle." I answer. "You go to Mitherson Middle?" He asked me. What do I say now? I mean yes, I do go to Mitherson but he could be anyone. A deranged serial killer, a young rapist--some mean guy playing a trick on me. Or he could be Jason my neighbor. I hesitate then answer "yeah, you?" He says, "Yeah, I'm 8th grade. You're in 2 of my classes I never talk to you because you're always with that Adam guy." He says. I'm flattered that he knows so much about me. I invite him in for soda. We talk and I'm really happy. For once in my whole 13 year existence.
**
* Jason is obsessed with Anime. He especially enjoys Chinese and Japanese Anime. His favorite band is Simple Plan and his favorite show is The Simpson's. His last girlfriend's name was Courtney, and she cheated on him. He moved to Newton-Berry, Missouri from Manhattan, New York. He has a younger sister named Abbiana—Abbi for short. Jason's really interesting which is why I'm sure he'll realize I'm totally not the best friend type or whatever.
**
* When Dad came in I was in my room watching MTV. The conference with my teachers weren't too good. I'm a "nice kid" and if I "applied myself" I could be a "real achiever." Blah. That's the same thing this dumb school district has been preaching to me since 6th grade. I've been telling Dad to send me to a boarding school in England or some private school, in the woods. He says boarding school is to expensive and that I wouldn't like private school. Doesn't he realize it was a rhetorical question? Score! English vocabulary word, one point. What, I'm not at school.
**
* It's morning again. Ugh-oh, I didn't do my math, life science or social studies homework. I did English—write an 2 page story. I don't know why I didn't do Social Studies, I kinda like it. Oh well. I was walking to the bus stop. Today I looked kinda stylish. Black shoes, black slacks and a pink-sweater turtleneck. I know not exactly "stylish" but for me it is. So, anyway I'm walking and Jason looks out his window and calls my name. Danielle. I like the way Jason says my name. All slow and special, like I'm the only girl he's ever known with the name Danielle. Then again I probably am. "Hey." He says. "Hi." I say. There's a long pause then I mention I've never seen him at the bus stop before. He says it's because he wanted to ask me something. "What?" I ask looking up at him. "Well, um are you busy tonight?" He asked me nervously. "No. Why?" I asked. "It's just I was going to see a movie. I don't really know where the good theatres are and I was wondering if you'd like to show me? I mean go with me. We can see whatever you want." Said Jason nervously. I was really—weird. I know huh? It's just the only guy I've ever been to the movies with is Adam and my Dad if he counts as a "guy." Is this a date? No. Jason stated his-self he only needed someone to show him around. So, I say yes and he says he'll be at my house around 7:30pm. When we get on the bus I see Adam, I glance at him then go on to the back and sit with Jason. Adam walks over as I'm talking to Jason about going to the library after school. "Hey, Dan." Says Adam with his thumbs in his jean pockets. "It's Danielle or Elle. And goodbye Adam, or do you prefer super stupid I like to get high bastard?" I said raising an eyebrow. Jason laughed; Adam looked uncomfortable. "Neither, but I deserved that. Listen, Dan—Elle, I'm really sorry for whatever it is I did to you, can we get over it?" Asked Adam. I was stunned. "Where's Lissa? And you're sorry for blowing me off, being a total jerk, coming to school high and drunk, ignoring me and totally being weird? I don't think so. You did the exact thing you said you wouldn't. You abandoned me. If you did it once you'd do it again. Please leave now I'm engaging in a great conversation with my friend Jason." I said turning to Jason and ignoring Adam. "Okay, fine. But, just so you know I broke up with Lissa because, she doesn't like you." Said Adam going back to his seat. I never felt so low.
**
* When I got home my Dad had a note on the door to his room. It said he wouldn't be home until 7:30pm. He has to tutor a little girl in math. That's cool, it gives me privacy to cut. This is not the way I should be running from my problems. But, it's a lot easy than confronting them. So, I go get my friend The Razor. I cut my right arm instead of my left. I cut really deep. I feel dizzy and go lye down.
**
* I woke up around 7:00pm, and go check bathroom (where I cut) blood stains are all over the bathroom floor. Thank God, Dad didn't get the cushioned white carpet in there like my room. My cut isn't bleeding anymore but it stings like hell. I clean the stains then get ready for the movie with Jason. What to wear, what to wear? I've never been to the movies with someone as cute as Jason. Right now it would be great to have a friend who was a girl. I do the only thing I could—pick clothes. I went threw my closet. I had tons of clothes my Dad had bought me from Delia*s last Christmas. I'd never even wore them because, they were to "girlie". I settled on a black mini, a black turtleneck, black Converses, black socks and I put my hair in one ponytail. Then I decided to wear my black choker. I called my Dad around 7:15p to let him know I would be home when he got in. At 7:30p, on the dot Jason was at my door. He looked really...casual. But, cute casual. He had on plain blue jeans, green Converses and a green vintage tee. "Wow." Said Jason as soon as he got to the door. "What? Do I look really bad? Is it the skirt? God, I'm bad." I said smiling. "No, not at all. You look really great. Let's go. We're going to take the train to this little theatre about 25 miles away in a little town called Franklin." Said Jason. "I thought you didn't know where anything was?" I asked as we walked to the train station. "I didn't but I researched cuz I wanted this to be perfect. My...First...Date." Said Jason looking at me nervously. "It's mine too." I said
**
* The date was what's that word? Amazing. Yes, plain, amazing. Maybe we'll do it again. Must call Adam now maybe I can clear things up with him. "Hello? Smith residence, Adam speaking." I giggled that same little "hello" ever since we were 7 at least. "Hi, Adam it's Danielle. Listen, about today I'm really, really, really sorry. I was totally wrong to be such a bitch." I said. Adam was silent and for a second I thought he'd hang up. Then he said really slowly almost in a whisper "it's okay. I kinda deserved it, Danielle. I was really crude to you and I'm sorry. But, it's unfair. You see Lissa got you that book because, she saw you reading a book on witchcraft once YOU totally took it the wrong way. You always think someone is against you out to get you and I just can't—I can't take it. Goodbye." And click that was it. Adam was saying "you're a weird freak, don't speak to me." That's okay he'll burn in hell
**
*
I'm lying in bed staring up at my hot pink ceiling. I smile. I remember that the last thing my Mom and me did together. It was Saturday around noon we were supposed to go on a pic-nick but it was raining. So she was sitting reading Oprah Magazine I was playing with a Barbie. Then, she looked up suddenly her eyes so thoughtful. She said, "how about we paint that room of yours?" I was sooo happy let me tell ya. I'd had those same puke green walls since I was like 3. I jumped up and went to the attic and tried to pull out the paint. She laughed ad picked them up for me. First we did the edges in a pale blue then we did the hot pink and glazed over it. In the end I had paint in my hair, on my nose and I had my hand print on the corner in my wall. My Mom put hers' right next to mine and there they were. I get up out of bed and put on my slippers. I went over to that corner and my little hand and my Mom's medium hand was still there. A little faded but, there. I put my hand in my old print it was waaaaay to big. Then I put my hand in my Mom's and it fit perfectly. Was it the mood? Was it something in my eye? Or did I just miss her? Whatever it was I pulled my knees up to my chin, held myself and sobbed.
**
*
I wake up the next morning and go to my bathroom to shower. I take a quick glance in the mirror; my hair is everywhere and my eyes are puffy and sticky. That's what I get for crying. I take my shower and comb my hair and get dressed. I remembered Jason and decided it wouldn't hurt to look a little nice. I put on a short khaki skirt, a white elbow length sweater, black boots and lip gloss. Still, I put my hair in a ponytail. There, I looked kinda OK. When I was putting my books in my bag I realized something. That was the first time I'd cried since my Mom died. Three years. It's amazing how I could go three years without shedding one itsy bitsy tear. Anyway, I walk across the lawn and knock on Jason's door. His Mom comes I think her name is Darcy. "Hi, honey. You must be...Danielle? Yes, Jason talks about you all the time. He was never this happy in New York." Says his mother. She pauses and puts her finger to her mouth and looks me up and down thoughtfully. "I think you'll be good for him. Yes, yes, you will." She said quietly and then turning to call his name. What was that? Could she read my very soul that way? A little girl in a white T-shirt and little pink shorts with ZzZzZ's on them came to the door. Her bright eyes looking up at me innocently. "Hi! I'm Abbiana, what's your name?" She asked me. "Hi, Abbiana. I'm Danielle people call me...Elle, I mean Dan." I said. "Oh, well people call me Abbi. Isn't Dan a boys name?" She asked. Then I realized I didn't want to be called Dan anymore but it just felt right.
**
* Jason came out about 10 minutes later. He had on almost the same pants only this time with an orange vintage tee. "So, you met the aliens." He said nervously.
I hesitated; do I laugh it off? Do I agree? "Ha, ha, ha very funny. Your sister—Abbi, is really sweet. Your Mom is um, nice." I said quickly.
"I know she's weird." Said Jason grabbing my hand quickly as we walked to the bus stop.
**
* We saw Adam at the bus stop it made me happy to be holding Jason's hand. "You still talk to that kid?" Asked Jason nodding his head at Adam as we sat on the bus (this time in the front).
"No." I answered. We walked and sat down.
**
*
A good author puts her self in the place of the character she's writing about. Like instead of saying, "Melissa walked past" she would say, "I walked by." I guess this is why I'm a picky reader. I don't want the best just what's best to me. I also don't just read anything that's lying around. My favorite book is Catalyst. The girl in the book, the main character I guess, is Kate. I love her love she's like this feminist who doesn't know she's one. She was set on getting into MIT but, she didn't and it was like her whole existence was nothing—at all. So, she's dealing when all of a sudden her father "The Reverend" messes her life up BIG time. Ugh, must I go on? I really should start on my homework. I wonder where, I'll go to college. I unlike Kate have my mind set on something not so complex as MIT. Something more mellow like some little hippie university out in Cali. That'll be cool, not UCLA to modern just something laid back with really good professors. But whom am I kidding? With my grades I'm lucky if I go to the local community college (not that I wouldn't go to one cuz I would). I snap out of dreams of the future and decide to call Jason.
"May I speak to Jason?" I asked nervously.
"Sure, honey hold on. JASON! TELOPHONE!" Screamed Jason's Mom. My ears started to ring.
"Hi, Dan." Said Jason I could tell he was grinning over the phone.
"Hola, how'd ya know it was me?" I asked.
"You're the only person who knows my number anyway, I can see you in the window." He said laughing.
I looked over nervously to my surprise Jason waved at me from next door.
"Holy shit you scared me!" I said.
"You curse? Oh well, I'll be over if you want?" He asked.
"Sure..." I said letting it trail off as he hung up the phone.
Jason was over in 10 seconds tops. I sat out on the porch extremely nervous.
"What's on your arm?" He asked me pointing to one of the cuts.
"I'm hella clumsy did that when I was cutting carrots." I said.
Jason looked at me. I felt like he could see through my lie. As quiet as he was it was just something in his eyes but, he let it go and kissed my forehead gently. "I love you." He told me.
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say and Jason sensed that.
"You don't have to say anything back to me. When you're ready you can. I just want you to know I love you and if...if you ever need to tell me something please do." Jason took my hand and kissed it.
"I gotta go." I said taking back my hand and running in the house.
I went in my room and sat on the bed. No boy other than Dad had told me he loved me. Not even Adam. Was it possible that Jason could love me in the 2 weeks he'd known me? Is it possible that I was lovable? I closed the blinds in my window and changed into my nightgown and went to sleep at 4pm.
**
*
I woke up at mid-night. I sighed because the last thing I wanted was to be up all night. I went in the den on turned on the TV. I flipped through channels. Vids on MTV, That's so Raven on Disney and Degrassi on Noggin. I settled for Degrassi, which was the classic Manny and Craig have sex episode. I hated this episode there was enough of this kind of shit in my school. I heard my Dad's footsteps.
"Danielle punky pooh what are you doing awake?" He asked me.
"I slept for 8 straight hours Daddy."
My Dad sat on the couch next to me. "I was thinking about your Mom." He said.
Dad never talked about Mom. Not Ever.
"Oh." Was all I could utter.
"Do you ever think about her? I do, I miss her smile most. How about you?"
A small secret smile came upon my face filled with shadows. "I miss...her voice." I said.
Dad nodded as if in agreement then got up. He left and came back with my old Minne Mouse blanket I hadn't seen since first grade and he covered us both and we watched Degrassi. I fell right back to sleep, feeling safe in my father's arms.
Chapter 2
The next morning when I woke up Dad had already left for work. I went upstairs to shower and get dressed.
"Danielle!" Called Jason as soon as I walked outside.
"Hey." I said turning and smiling. "Listen there's something I wanna tell you." I was prepared to tell him I loved him.
"I wanna tell you something too!" Said Jason.
"Well, uh you first." I said.
"No you." Said Jason.
"Okay well..." I leaned in for a kiss. "I love you." I whispered after the kiss (his breath tasted like mint.)
He took my face in his hands I noticed the traces of gray in his brown eyes.
"And I love you. But, I have to go." He said.
"Where home?" I asked confused.
"You could say that. Well, my parents have worked out this erm, arrangement. I live with my dad in New York for the rest of the school and Abbi will live here with my mom for the rest of the school year. Then we'll switch off."
I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
Jason kissed my cheek. "Please don't cry Dan."
"Why shouldn't I? You're the only person other than my Dad who could possibly love me."
"Oh no that's not true. Never, could it be. Now I can't go to school today. I gotta pack for my flight this afternoon." Said Jason quietly.
"Your what...this afternoon. Jason please don't leave me I...I can't do this."
Jason kissed each of my eyes ever so softly. "I love you Danielle."
"Will you love me no matter what?" I asked faintly.
"Of course." He replied.
My body started to shake and I pulled up my right sleeve. All the cuts were revealed.
"Oh my God." Whispered Jason.
"I...I...do you still love me?" I asked my voice shaking.
"More than you'll ever know."