Chapter Thirty-three: A Hand To Hold

Summary: Thirty-third chapter. Sixteen to go. That about sums it up.

Sirius sat at the kitchen table with Arabella, explaining the attacks he suffered from as best he could to his godson. He tried to keep things fairly basic and not to dwell on any one point to long.

For his part, Harry sat quietly listening. He knew that the explanation wasn't an easy thing for Sirius to go through, and he appreciated it more than his godfather could know that Sirius was willing to face it simply for him. To hopefully curb a bit of the fear of something Harry was likely to face again at some point in time, watching his godfather go through the horrible trance-like state as he relived the worst memories of his life.

"But can't doctors do something for it?" Harry asked when Sirius finished.

Sirius sadly shook his head. "They're dreams, Harry. Not a disease that needs to be cured. Sometimes there are things in your life you just have to learn to accept, because there is no getting rid of them."

"But it isn't fair!" Harry exclaimed. "You shouldn't have even been in Azkaban. You didn't so anything wrong. Pettigrew should be the one having those dreams. Not you."

"And if you want to drive yourself crazier than I am, keep dwelling on thoughts like that, Harry."

"You're not crazy." Harry replied softly.

"Maybe. But what's done is done, Harry. It can't be changed. So we learn to live with it. Sadly now, all of us have to learn to live with it."

Arabella laid a gentle hand on Sirius' arm. "Not 'sadly', Sirius." She said softly. "It's better that Harry and I know. And that you don't have to go through it alone anymore."

Sirius paused, then nodded slightly. He couldn't begin to explain to her how much comfort her words gave him. He wasn't alone anymore. And he would never have to face the dreams alone again.

Sirius went on to explain to Harry that the trances were rarely ever violent. But that if anything were to happen that he or Arabella couldn't handle, they were to either call Remus, or they weren't to hesitate to take action against him directly. Doing whatever was necessary to protect themselves.

Harry was horrified at the prospect that he might actually have to attack his godfather.

Sirius waved off his concern. "If I'm so bad off that I would attempt to harm you or Arabella," Sirius explained, "than I'm too far gone to feel much of anything, believe me."

Harry nodded his head slightly.

"Try not to worry about it too much, Harry." Sirius advised. "The dreams may not come back for days or weeks. They're very unpredictable."

Dinner was a quieter than usual affair. Sirius watched his godson as he uncharacteristically ate very little, finally asking to be excused.

Sirius watched him leave when Arabella laid a comforting hand on his arm.

"Maybe we made a mistake telling him." He said softly. "Maybe it would have been better to just use a memory charm...."

"He's just working through it, Sirius." Arabella cut him off quickly. "Give him some time. He'll be fine."

Sirius paused, then nodded as he patted her hand and returned to his own dinner.

Arabella hardly knew what to expect that night as they got ready for bed. It would be the first time since Sirius had begun sleeping in her room that he would actually sleep. Or at least he promised he would.

Arabella watched him with a nervous stare as he got undressed, finally crawling under the covers on his side of the bed.

Sirius had felt her stare on him the entire time. He turned to her as he settled back against the pillows.

"I can always go back to my own bed if you'd prefer." He stated solemnly.

Arabella quickly shook her head. "I'm not backing out on you now, Sirius. I said I would stay with you, and I will."

Sirius smiled at her. What could he have ever done on his life to have deserved having her at his side.

"You know, Jeron Thompson had a huge crush on you in school. As well as Benny Jordon and a few others."

Arabella looked stunned at the statement, then smiled back at him. "What in the name of heaven brought that up?"

"I was just wondering, with all those others vying for your attention, why you stayed with me?"

Arabella looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, for starters, I never really noticed any of them." She turned to Sirius. "Jeron Thompson? Really?" She turned back to looking thoughtful. "He was kind of cute as I recall. I wonder what he's up to these days?"

Sirius frowned at her. "Very funny. Still doesn't answer the question."

Arabella smiled at him again, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Because I wasn't in love with Jeron Thompson. Or Benny Jordon. Or any of the rest of them. They could have run half naked around the castle in front of me all day, I wouldn't have noticed a thing. You kept my thoughts very well occupied, I'm afraid."

Sirius smiled. "Really?"

Arabella rolled over in the bed. "That's all the ego stroking you're getting tonight, Mr. Black. I'm too tired for any more. Good night."

Sirius watched her settle under the covers. Finally he leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Good night, 'Bella." He whispered.

Shifting his body down under the covers, Sirius rolled over onto his side, facing Arabella's back. He stared at the graceful line under the covers next to him for what seemed to him to be a very long time. With a slight hesitancy he slowly reached a hand out toward her. The greatest comfort to him at that moment would have been to simply wrap his arm about her waist and hold her to him. But just before his hand reached her, he suddenly snatched it back, pressing it tightly against his chest.

'You're not a child.' He told himself sternly as he forcefully shut his eyes. 'You don't need her hand to hold onto all night long. You don't even know the dreams will come back tonight.'

Sirius reached up and grabbed his pillow, pulling it down until he held it securely in front of him, tight against his body. He kept his eyes pressed tightly shut against the darkness around him, forcing his fears down as he struggled to relax.

'Maybe I can just lie here until morning.' He thought. But he quickly shook off the thought. He had promised Arabella he would try to sleep.

She had believed him.

He rolled over on his back, but quickly shifted to his other side. He didn't like sleeping on his back. It made him feel too vulnerable. Too unprotected.

He pulled the pillow to him again and curled up under the cover.

He lay for another half-hour in that position, finally rolling over to his other side again when he couldn't get to sleep. Again he stared forlornly at the graceful line under the cover in front of him. He closed his eyes to it, feeling the hot sting of a tear as it escaped from behind his pressed eyelids.

A sudden panic seemed to seize hold of him.

This wasn't going to work.

He was a fool for thinking he could do this.

He had to get up.

He had to get out of the bed.

It had seemed like hours since they went to bed. Surely Arabella was sound asleep by now. He could go back to his own room. His own bed. She would never know.

'Coward!' A voice shouted at him in his head. 'To preserve yourself, you would leave her unprotected? Coward!'

Sirius cowered under the accusation. The voice was right. He was a coward. He couldn't even face something that wasn't real.

Sirius was practically beside himself in his silent panic when a warm hand reached over and slipped itself around his under the cover.

He snapped his eyes open to find Arabella staring at him in the dim moonlight that illuminated the room. A worried expression on her face.

"What is it?" She asked gently, squeezing his hand.

Sirius shook his head and tried to pull his hand free. But Arabella held on to it.

"Its all right to be afraid, Sirius." She whispered so softly Sirius barely heard her words. "The only reason I'd call you mad is if you weren't. I can't even begin to imagine what you face those nights when you close your eyes and the dreams come. But I do know one thing. I won't let you face it alone." She shifted over in the bed, settling down next to him this time as she wrapped her arms about his body.

Sirius immediately melted against her, conforming his body as close to her's as he could, settling finally with his head pillowed against her chest.

Arabella smiled down at him as she caressed a hand over his head.

"Comfortable?" She asked, barely able to keep the smile out of her voice.

Sirius reached up and took her hand and pulled to down. He pressed her fingers to his lips, then folded his hand about her's as he pulled it tightly to his chest. A great deal of the tension seemed to have dissipated just at her touch. And lying in her arms he found he suddenly felt much safer. He answered her question with a soft, contented sound.

"Then go to sleep." She said softly. "I'll see you in the morning."

Sirius made another soft sound deep in his throat as he snuggled up closer to her. She could feel the smile on his lips as they rested against her skin. A smile that soften as he slowly, peacefully drifted off to sleep.

Arabella found herself stirred awake rather abruptly several hours later. She found herself still laying with Sirius sleeping in her embrace. But it was far from peaceful. His body was shaking as though bolts of electrical charges were being sent through it, and his expression was one of growing fear.

The dreams were starting. That's what it had to be.

Arabella pulled back and shook him slightly.

"Sirius?" She called. "Wake up."

Sirius acted as though he didn't hear her.

"Sirius." She called again, louder than before. "Can you hear me? Wake up. Please. Wake up."

Still she got no response.

Without thinking further, Arabella pulled back and slapped him as hard as she could.

Sirius awoke with a jolt. Sitting up in the bed, he held a hand pressed to his cheek. A look of utter indignation on his face.

"What was that for?" He nearly yelled.

Arabella rolled over and turned on the light. "Because you were having a dream." She stated. "And I don't think it was a good one."

Sirius sat and thought for a moment. Finally he lowered his eyes as he shook his head. "No." He whispered, closing his eyes as the frightening images returned. "It wasn't."

"I'm sorry." Arabella said. "I tried to wake you, but...."

Sirius turned quickly to her, silencing her with a finger on her lips. "Never apologize for that." He stated. 'It was the start of the dream. I know it very well." He smiled at her. "And I certainly can't be angry at you for waking me up from that." Sirius curled back up in her arms as she laid back against her pillows. "Just next time, set the bed on fire or something a little less drastic."

Arabella laughed softly as she kissed the top of his head. "Of course." She promised.

Sirius awoke to the dim light of the early morning dawn just beginning to light the room in a dull gray hue that foretold of a rainstorm approaching. As if to confirm his suspicion, a soft roll of thunder echoed across the sky, shaking the windows in the room. Sirius stretched out under the cover, but stopped suddenly as he bumped into the figure sleeping against his back, one arm draped over his side. Sirius rolled over onto his back as the figure shifted and pulled itself up from under the covers, which covered everything but a tussle of brown hair.

Sirius reached up and pulled the cover down from Arabella's face, who squinted against the anticipated light.

"And a good morning to you." He smiled at her.

Arabella frowned. "What are you so happy about? It's going to rain."

"I like the rain." Sirius replied. "And I like sleeping better. Which is what I did the rest of the night last night. Besides," He stated, grabbing her about the waist and giving a sharp pull so that she landed on her back against his body, "don't you know that rainy mornings are perfect for sleeping in?" He quickly kissed the top of her head.

Arabella smiled as she settled against him, letting him wrap his arms across her chest as he held her in a warm embrace.

She sighed in contentment. "It would be nice to have a little bit of a lie in." She commented, glancing at the door to the bedroom.

Sirius shifted around her until she was laying with her back against the mattress of the bed, staring up at him as he hung above her, resting on his elbows. "So have a lie in." He offered. "It hasn't been outlawed." He bounced down quickly and kissed her on the lips. "And it could be fun."

Arabella smiled up at him, loving the mischievous look that shined so brightly in his eyes this morning.

"You're terrible when you've had a good night's sleep." She chided playfully, lightly slapping his arm.

Sirius grinned wickedly down at her. "I haven't begun to be terrible yet." He stated. "But give me a minute." He suddenly buried his face in her neck and began to nibble at her collarbone.

Arabella gave a quiet shriek, shoving him back. "Sirius! What about Harry?"

"Let him get his own girl." He responded with a lusty growl in her ear, then grabbed the lobe between his teeth and gave it a playful tug.

Arabella shoved him back again. "He'll be waking up soon."

"It's five thirty in the morning, 'Bella." Sirius mumbled, his teeth still attached to her ear lobe.

"Trust me, he'll be up." Arabella stated, shoving Sirius off as she pulled out of bed. "Which means I need to be thinking about getting breakfast."

"'Bella."

Arabella turned back to him.

Sirius smiled at her as he waved her back to the bed. "Come back a minute."

Arabella gave him a look of disbelief. "You honestly think I'm going to fall for that again?"

Sirius maintained his smile, holding his hand out to her.

Arabella sighed as she stepped slowly back over to the bed. She cautiously slipped her hand into his outstretched one, nearly yanking it back as he closed his fingers about it. But Sirius held on. Raising himself from the bed, he lightly kissed her hand, then slowly released it.

"Thank you." He said softly. "For putting up with me last night."

Arabella crawled back over the bed and settled herself into his waiting arms.

"How could I do any less?"

Sirius smiled at her, then leaned forward and kissed her again. A kiss that led to her laid back against the mattress again, wrapped tightly in his arms as his tongue slipped past her lips and entwined with her's in a slow, passionate dance. Her rhythm the beat of his heart against her.

Some time later, the first rays of the morning sun were shining in Arabella's eyes, reminding her how late it was getting.

"Sirius, I need to get breakfast started." She repeated as she pulled away from him with a powerful reluctance. "And you need to get up as well."

Sirius yawned as he nodded.

"Or maybe you should have a little bit of a lie in." She suggested in answer to the barely stifled yawn.

But Sirius shook his head as he sat up on the edge of the bed. "No fun by yourself." He replied glumly.

Arabella gave him a sympathetic smile as she disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

When she emerged a few minutes later, Sirius was now up and dressed. He sat at the edge of the bed with a letter in his hand. A small brown owl was preening itself on the bed post.

"Sirius?" She asked. "What is it?"

Sirius turned slowly to her, his expression almost unreadable. "Dumbledore wants us at the castle." He replied evenly. "All of us."