A/N: Inspired by and written for my little sister, whose birthday it was. Of course, if she knew I was writing her slash for her birthday she's use my head as a football, but that's not the point. It's the principle of the thing.

I would also like to welcome back my fluffy muse, which has returned from its gay bar trawl.

The title is the fault of Hannah and Fliss, who will pay for their idiocy. Some day.

All the numbers in [brackets] relate to the end notes at the bottom of the page.

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Sirius grinned.

Remus groaned.[1]

Sirius had various levels of grin. They ranged from 'Lets do something fun (read: stupid)' to 'You know, we're going to look back on this one day and laugh'. Right now his expression was hovering around 'You don't have to be certifiably insane to be my friend, but it helps'.

"I'm bored" said Sirius. "Someone must pay."

Remus tried to burrow into his pillow.

* * * * *

He failed. Again.

And this was why he was in the middle of the lake trying to charm to Giant Squid to attack Slytherins on sight.

It had nothing to do with Sirius' hair falling into his eyes as he bent to pull Remus up, or the curve of his throat as he leaned towards the water.

When the tentacle snapped out of the lake and wrapped its dark length around Sirius' neck, jerking him into the water, Remus was not too caught up in watching the slide of water across Sirius' fingertips to move. When his heart lurched like a drunk Sirius stumbling and giggling his way down the street, weaving crazily and proclaiming his love for all things it was pure friendly emotion Sirius back from yet another date, flushed and laughing, and when the water closed over Remus' head Siruissiriussirius, anyone would have done it.

* * * * *

"Remus and the squid, sitting in a tree…"

Remus was considering hibernation as a lifestyle choice. He was damp, sore and in an uncomfortable bed. He was also expecting praise. Instead he'd had a lecture from his head of house on pranking and overzealous bravery (which was, apparently, not what Gryffindor was all about. Right), a reprimand from Madame Pomfrey on the foolhardiness of falling in a lake in March in Scotland, and horribly cheerful songs from Sirius about his unfortunate sucker marks.

"K-I-S-S…"

And Sirius wouldn't shut up. He just kept singing, taunting Remus with his annoying songs and infuriatingly good looks. [2]

"…I-N-G!"

Remus grinned.

Sirius looked worried.

"I think you should bear in mind Sirius, that you have brought this all on yourself."

Sirius opened his mouth, and Remus put his tongue in it.

Silence.

The Sirius grinned and shifted.

Remus moaned. [3]

* * * * *

[1] And if you thought anything more of that statement, get your head out of the gutter.

[2] Yes, I am aware of the slight oddness of this sentence. My only defence is that Remus is clearly delusional. He's probably got hypothermia, for goodness sake! Show a little sympathy!

[3] And if you thought anything more of that statement, well done! I want those heads so far in the gutter you can't breathe for lewd imagery.