Soul Scrolls
Chapter 6
We didn't return to the party; instead we, at his suggestion, had dinner together at the Ichiraku Ramen. Admittedly, ramen wasn't my favourite food, but being with my soul mate was enough to make up for it.
On the other hand, I felt a tad uncomfortable and nervous every time I thought of the peck he gave on my forehead because it only served to remind me that he wasn't just my soul mate, but also an admirer. Somehow, the scales of our once-platonic relationship had been tipped, and it was regret that I realised that if I should reject Shikamaru's advances, not only would I lose an admirer, but also a friend.
Things just wouldn't be this difficult if I liked him the same way he did I.
I mean, sure he was a great friend and teammate but somehow I just couldn't visualise myself with him. You know, holding hands and watching soppy movies together. The sort of thing I'd love to do with my dream date.
Not that Shikamaru was that kind of guy anyway.
And yet, how could I, while interacting with him normally from my point of view, not give him the wrong idea -- how could I let him know I didn't like him the way he wanted it to be without breaking his heart and losing him as a friend at the same time?
While I basked in the attention he showered on me, and enjoyed it too, I realised we could not go on like this. It wasn't fair to him that I didn't like him in that way, and I was also wasting my own time. And if not for his displays of affection through the two kisses, I would have just been wondering what made my laid-back teammate become so enthusiastic about life all of a sudden.
Despite it seeming to be the most logical thing to do -- telling him that I was flattered by his admiration but just didn't like him in a romantic way -- it would also be the most difficult as well. For that would mean breaking one of my best friends' heart, and also I feared how he would react. Would he cut me off, just like the other time?
The loneliness I experienced then was just... depressing, I guess. Never before had I felt such a hollow in my soul. And while I did have girlfriends and a fairly wide social circle, I never told them what I really thought or shared with them my true feelings. I guess they were just there for me to gripe with, to bitch with... the typical girl talk stuff.
I guess it's rather wierd, in a way, that having a guy as a soul mate.
"Ino..."
"Huh? What?" I sat up straight and nearly knocked over my can of coke.
"Geez..." Shikamaru rolled his eyes and cupped his chin in his left hand. "You've been stoning... Oh by the way, you're ramen's served."
He reached over and passed me a pair of chopsticks, and in the split second when the chopsticks changed hands, his fingers brushed mine. Immediately, I felt a strange tingle down my spine, and in response, I hastily pulled back and quickly tucked into my meal, daring not to look at him.
Why am I feeling so awkward? I know it shouldn't be like this but... why? If we're going to be like this until either of us takes action, I think I'd probably go mad... And in any case, I'm wasting both his and my time.
So... The most logical thing to do would be to reject his advances... right? And break his heart... and lose a friend...?
Or should I take the alternative route and give this relationship a shot... I mean, Shikamaru's a decent guy and all... Just a tad too laidback.
And after all, it's not like I admire Sasuke like I used to...
Having made this decision, I chuckled to myself and slurped loudly on my ramen, my table manners forgotten.
*****
We wandered around the Konoha village centre for a while, checking out the new technology of preserving food for ninjas on long missions. But when the stores started closing, we left, and inexplicably headed for the park.
It was a cool night, and the sky was clear so the full moon shone its pale light on the village, illuminating the village with a soft glow. This was especially accentuated now that we were away from the bright lights in the village centre.
There were several couples in the park already, which was not surprising, since it was a popular haunt of young dating people.
So, for me to be alone with a guy -- it didn't really matter who -- there, was rather... thrilling, so to speak. No guy had dared to pursue before Shikamaru, probably because they all knew just how crazy I was about Sasuke.
But looking back now, it was just a childish dream, a bout of puppy love, dreaming of marrying that Uchiha guy who seemed to have popped out of every girl's dream.
In any case, after we had found a nice spot where we could see the moon and the stars, there was a short but nevertheless uncomfortable silence between us. I didn't dare to look at him, somehow. I just couldn't explain why I felt this way.
He reached over, much to my surprise, and held my hand. Without making eye contact, and obviously unsure of how to go about things, he said shyly, "Do you still remember the time when we were partners at the Ninja Academy?"
I smiled at the memory. That was when we were in Year 1 of the Academy curriculum. We had to hold hands and line up in twos before the class went anywhere. The teacher paired us randomly, a boy and a girl together, and it just happened that I was paired with this grumpy-looking boy who kept yawning every now and then. I didn't want to hold his hand -- I had my own childish reasons for doing, or not doing so, but eventually relented when the teacher glared at us. We went around like that for an entire year, when we were placed in different classes at the start of Year 2.
Our awkwardness quickly wore off and we were soon chatting merrily about our days at the Ninja Academy and our fond memories as teammates.
And as time passed, I realised that we did know each other, more or less, inside out. Besides the emotions he had hidden from me for so long, there was little else I did not know about him.
But just how strongly did he feel for me? Was his affection a crush, mere infatuation, like how I felt towards Sasuke? Would his love wear thin with time, or was he truly devoted? Only time would tell.
And yet, at the same time, if I did not reciprocate the love he so felt for me, it wouldn't be surprising if he were to give up and move on. I had come to terms with what he felt for me already -- why not take it a step further?
Yet one thing still held me back. I feared rejection; the memory of the pain still fresh in my mind.
But he's not Sasuke... You know Shikamaru... When he gets serious, he really means it...
Impulsively, I asked him, interrupting him mid-sentence, "Shikamaru..." My voice sounded surprising clear, a sharp contrast with the whirl of thoughts in my head. "Just what do you see in me? Somehow I find myself undeserving of your affection."
In the dim light I could see his bright eyes staring intently at me, and his hand tightened around mine while his thumb caressed the back of my hand. He remained silent for a long while before he spoke.
"Remember what I once told you and Choji? About my dream of living an average life? Not to be extraordinary or anything... Well, you'd always struck me as the average girl, average build, looks, average everything. Right from the start, I'd imagined you to be the one I'd marry, given your... Average qualities..." He paused for a while, fearing that I had been insulted by his description of me.
"At first, it was your average-ness(1) that drew me to you, but over time, I found myself dreaming of you, and somehow, you suddenly didn't seem as mediocre as I'd thought you were... For one, you're extra bossy..." He stuck his tongue out at me teasingly as I slapped his shoulder in mock anger.
Turning serious all of a sudden, he grabbed my other hand and stared right into my eyes. "You're beautiful, you know that? The most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on..."
Ah, the strange yet amazing things love can do to you. It distorts your brain and makes you see things in a different light. I guess Shikamaru proved true the cliched saying 'love is blind'.
For an instant, I wanted to pass a sarcastic remark -- habitual, I suppose, but something stopped me. I didn't want to see that hurt look in his eyes ever again.
"Shikamaru, I --"
"Ah, it's late... We'd better get going now, before our parents start worrying about us...:
He stood up and stretched, taking care to avoid eye contact with me. Perhaps he, like me, feared rejection too. We both didn't want to feel the heartbreak again, not ever.
Like a gentleman, Shikamaru walked me home. We walked in an awkward silence most of the way, save for a few smatterings of conversation here and there.
My mind was in a whirl. It had been quite some time since the first time he gave me a peck on my cheek outside my gate, and yet I was still unsure of what I really felt towards him.
This feeling... that I don't want to hurt him ever again, wanting to remove all the pain in his heart... To share his burden... What is this feeling that I have?
We stopped in front of my house, and a feeling of deja vu washed over me. And as I turned to thank him for sending me home, he suddenly fished a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and gave it to me, all this while avoiding eye contact. He mumbled something that sounded like 'Goodnight' and 'Bye' jumbled together, and ran off into the night.
I squinted in the moonlight and tried to read the smudged words laden with emotion. Even though it was rather clumsily-written -- this was probably his first attempt at poetry, it was more than enough to convey the intensity of what he felt for me.
As I stepped into my house, (and saw my parents making out on the sofa) I realised that however cliched it sounded, it was indeed the best thing to be loved.
... And to love in return as well.
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A/n: Ahh! I'm so sorry for making you all wait so long! Thanks to those who have reviewed and I hope that this slightly-longer chapter will satisfy your uh... needs for the time being while I work on the epilogue. (I think it should be out maybe mid-March or before that ^^;;;;; Yes I'm a slow worker)
(1) Average-ness. I wanted to put mediocrity there but wasn't sure whether it was the right word so I substituted average-ness in instead X3
And uh the last part about Ino's parents uh making out on the sofa... I know it's a bit too audacious considering that Konoha's in Japan and all but I just wanted to convey that 'love is in the air'. And I've also realised that it's really weird that Ino suddenly realised her true feelings for Shikamaru... but I didn't know how else to put it. Hope it isn't too... *tries to find word* ridiculous.
This chapter's extra disjointed at parts. You can tell which parts I wrote together and where I stopped -_-;; Gaah. I'm sorry about that. *embarrassed* I'd like to admit that I'm rushing this fic because I need/ want to start writing another fic so I need/ want to end this sooner. I apologise if this has caused a drop in standard.
I want to thank you guys for putting up with me for so long, and I hope you've enjoyed this chapter. I swear the epilogue will wrap everything up nicely. Love you guys lots. *huggles all readers* *huggles reviewers again* X3
[Note] I don't know what's wrong with FF.Net... the formatting doesn't work anymore *cries* Gaah. It doesn't work for my previous chapters either. Gaah.