Chapter Thirty-Nine: Atonement

Summary: Thirty-ninth chapter. Ten to go. That about sums it up.

For what seemed like days Sirus remained unconscious, Arabella his constant bedside companion. Part of the time she would sit and talk to him while she held firmly onto his hand. But the majority of the time she sat there she only cried silently, staring at the gaunt white face of the man she loved so very much.

Harry came as well to see his godfather. He had tried several times to get Arabella to leave. To 'take a break' from her vigil. But the more insistent he tried to be, the more irritated Arabella became until she positively snapped at him, telling him to go away and leave her alone. After that Arabella barely noted that Harry didn't come as often to visit Sirius.

But far from abandoning Sirius or Arabella, Harry had gone to Dumbledore, stating his growing concern for his godmother.

"So, Arabella," the headmaster said lightly, coming into the hospital wing one evening, "has there been any change?"

Arabella shook her head mutely, tears streaming down her face. She did not even turn to look at him.

Dumbledore pulled a chair up next to her and sat down. "Arabella, you are not doing yourself or Sirus any good like this. Surely you know that."

"Someone should be here," she responded weakly.

"Are there are plenty of people who gladly would be, but you effectively kept them all at arms length. Remus would gladly sit with his friend, as would several others, myself included. And what about Harry? Do you think Harry would not gladly have sat here just as long as you have? He's as worried and as scared as you are Arabella. But he stays away because he feels being here somehow isn't right if you are. He doesn't want to intrude. But Sirus is his godfather, Arabella. He very much wants to be here. Would you not at least let him sit with you if nothing else?"

Arabella sat mutely staring ahead of her, saying nothing. It seemed to Dumbledore as though she had not even heard him.

The headmaster sighed quietly to himself. Perhaps she hadn't. He tried a different approach.

"Arabella, where is Harry?"

A direct question. That seemed a bit more comprehensive for her. Arabella seemed to stir out of her thoughts as she blinked a few times, but then quickly reverted to her stoic manner as she shook her head. "I don't know." She replied.

"He's your charge and yet you have no idea where he is? Hardly recommendable, Arabella."

The words definitely hit a nerve. Arabella seemed to come suddenly to life with a vengeance.

"Harry is fine!" She stated forcefully. "I would know if something were wrong."

"And so are you making my point for me, Arabella," Dumbledore said kindly. He had wanted to make a stir, not start a fight with his Auror. "If you were as observant as you usually are, you would have noticed that that boy is anything but 'fine'."

Arabella stared at him, confusion in her eyes.

"Or has the boy suddenly become little more than an inconvenience for you?"

Anger flashed in Arabella's eyes. "How can you suggest such a thing to me?" She cried. "I have looked after that boy for fourteen years. In silence. Always from a distance. For fourteen long, painful years I could never say a word to him. Never tell him who I was. Never once put my arms around him when I saw him cry, or tell him how very much he was loved when he felt there wasn't a person in the world who cared about him. How dare you insinuate that Harry is little more than some...some new toy in my life that I have now grown tired of? He is my godson!"

"Then perhaps you should take a closer look at the boy you think is 'fine', Arabella. Look past your tears and you will likely see someone else whose pain equals your own. Someone else who is as scared of losing someone they love as you are. And who right now feels very much alone."

With that Dumbledore got up and left, leaving Arabella with her mouth open as she stared after him. She turned quickly back to Sirus. What would he think of her if she left him? What if he woke up and no one was there?

But where was Harry? Dumbledore was right. She couldn't recall the last time she saw him. Had he come by yesterday? Or was it the day before?

She turned to the floor for a moment, her thoughts so confused she couldn't decide what to do. She had to go and find her godson. To make sure he was all right. But she couldn't leave Sirus.

A hand gently laid itself on her shoulder. Arabella nearly jumped.

Remus stood next to her, a kind smile greeting her.

"It's all right, Arabella," He said gently. "I'll stay with him if you like. I believe Harry is down in Sirus' room."

Arabella flew up into his arms. Had Dumbledore sent him? She doubted that. Remus Lupin just always seemed to be where he was needed the most. Arabella often wondered if clairvoyance wasn't part of the werewolf's abilities.

"Thank you, Remus." She cried softly into his ear. "You are a gift."

"Strange comparison," Lupin smiled back at her. "Most people don't see it that way."

"Most people are fools." Arabella countered sharply. She lightly kissed his cheek and hurried off to find Harry.

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Arabella found her godson exactly where Lupin had said he was. Up in the rooms they had been given in one wing of the castle, sitting on Sirus' bed, his arms wrapped tightly about one of the bed's pillows as he stared straight ahead. He didn't even seem to notice her as she came in and walked across the room.

Arabella sat down next to Harry on the bed, noting that he tightened his grip on the pillow as she took her place.

"Hi." She started tentatively, smoothing a bit of his unruly hair down in the back.

"Haven't seen much of you lately."

Harry rested his chin on the pillow. "You didn't seem like you wanted a lot of company." He replied quietly as a tear rolled silently down his cheek.

The sound in his voice was enough to practically break her heart. Even in his time with the Dursley's, Arabella had never seen her godson look so disheartened. She gently caressed her hand over the top of his head again.

"You know, crying alone doesn't do much for the situation. I can attest to that quite firmly."

Harry said nothing.

"But," she added softly, "if you'd like some company, I've gotten really good at crying lately."

Still Harry said nothing in response.

Arabella took a deep breath. "Harry, I'm sorry." She said finally.

Harry turned to her.

"I know I haven't been there for you. And I am very sorry. I'm supposed to be taking care of you. Looking out after you. And all I've been able to do for days is sit in a room and cry. I dismissed you like you meant nothing to me, when in truth..." she added, brushing a stray tear off his cheek, "...you mean more to me than anything in this world. And I am so sorry I haven't been there for you when you needed me most."

"You were busy." Harry replied solemnly.

"No," Arabella corrected him kindly. "What I was was burying myself so deeply in my own pain I never saw anyone elses. I never saw yours."

Harry said nothing. But Arabella could see his grip on the pillow tightening. She could feel his whole body tensing up as he fought not to break down in front of her. 'Typical fifteen year old,' she thought. 'Doesn't want anyone to see him cry.'

Arabella got off the bed and knelt in front of him. Very gently she peeled his arms from around the pillow and laid it aside as she opened her arms to him. Harry immediately flew into the welcomed comfort of his godmother's embrace. The tears came freely now as he buried his face in her shoulder and howled his pain to the silence of the room.

Arabella soothingly stroked his back, whispering gently to him as she fought back her own tears. She had indulged them long enough. It was time for her to be there for her godson now.

Arabella let Harry go until he finally settled down enough to relax a little in her arms. Gently she finally pulled him back and looked him in the eye, brushing a few strands of hair back as she did so.

"I know you're scared," she said softly, caressing a hand over his cheek, brushing back a line of tears. "I'm scared to. But we still have each other, Harry. And I will be here for you. Anytime. No matter what I'm doing." She smiled affectionately at him. "And I expect the same, you know."

Harry managed a small smile for her, then nodded.

Arabella's expression shifted to a more serious one as she met her godson's gaze. "He's not dead, Harry." She stated quietly to him. "And Dumbledore is very hopeful that he'll recover. And that's what we have to hold onto. That's what we have to believe. All right?"

Harry nodded again.

"All right then," she said, turning him around and giving him a small prod in the back. "It's past bedtime for you. Off you go."

Several minutes later Harry came back into the room dressed for bed. But he stopped as he saw Arabella sitting on Sirus' bed, her arms wrapped about the same pillow. Slowly he walked over to her and sat next to her.

"You OK?" he asked uncertainly.

Arabella turned to him with a gentle smile. "Just thinking," she replied.

Harry rested his head on her arm. "About what?"

Arabella played with a bit of the unruly hair. "About how much there is to miss about your godfather when he isn't here." She replied.

Harry smiled slightly. "Probably just be doing something I'd get sent out of the room for."

"Well, your godfather is a scoundrel. You should know that by now."

Harry paused for a moment. "Can I ask you something, Arabella," he said timidly.

Arabella pulled back so she could look at her godson's face. "That sounds a little ominous." She replied. "Like what?"

Harry paused again, then asked. "If Sirus asked you, would you marry him?"

Arabella looked stunned at the question. Then her face broke into a genuine smile. "What sort of question is that?"

"Would you?"

"Well...," she stalled for time. "He hasn't. So I think it's a moot point."

"But would you?" Harry pressed on.

"That's a very unfair question, Harry. What if I said 'yes', and then he never asks me?"

"What if he wants to asked you and he's afraid you'll say 'no', so he doesn't ask."

Arabella stared at her godson. "Harry Potter! What have you two been talking about?" She asked with a touch of surprise.

Harry turned quickly to look off into space. "Nothing."

Arabella sighed and shook her head with a smile. One was bad enough, but now she had two men plotting against her freedom.

"He said he'd curse you if you said 'no'." Harry said in a whispered tone.

Arabella wrapped her arm about him, pulling him affectionately to her as she smiled down at him. "Oh, my love, I already am. Don't you know? I'm cursed to fall in love with nothing but idiots and scoundrels. And if your godfather isn't being one, he's acting like the other. So I'm afraid I'm pretty much stuck with him."

Harry smiled at her. "You're perfect for him," he replied, laying his head back against her arm. "Keep him out of trouble."

Arabella smiled down at him. "Wise words from a fifteen year old."

"Just doing some marketing."

Arabella laughed softly. "Well, you don't have to sell me on your godfather, Harry."

Harry's mood fell solemn again as he pressed closer to Arabella. "He's going to be all right, isn't he?" he whispered to her.

Arabella tighten her hold on him a little. "I hope so, Harry. I hope so."

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Harry woke the next morning to the sun shining brightly in his eyes. As he pulled back to shade his eyes from the light, his head suddenly slipped off of Arabella's shoulder.

Pulling up with a start he found he'd been sleeping in the protective embrace of his godmother. They'd both fallen asleep on Sirus' bed that night.

Arabella stirred to the movement next to her. She opened her eyes and smiled at her godson.

"Well, there we are." She said brightly.

Harry looked highly embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Arabella." He apologized, sitting up next to her on the bed. "I didn't mean to fall asleep on you last night."

Arabella waved off the apology. "Don't worry about it, Harry." She told him. "You were exhausted. You fell asleep right in the middle of my story about how Sirus and James and Remus...." But Arabella stopped abruptly. "Oh my...," she whispered, sitting straight up on the bed. "I completely forgot."

"Forgot what?"

"I left Remus sitting with Sirus last night. He's been there all night. The poor thing." Arabella rushed Harry off the bed. "Go and get changed. We'll go see how they're both doing."