The Secret Life of Adults
"Okay the next film is by Trinity and Spyder," Hank told the audience. "Uh…I don't have a title."
"It's a very revealing study on the behaviors of post adolescent mutations," Daria grinned. "As well as social interactions between mutants and non mutants."
"That's some kind of sugar coated response ain't it?" Shipwreck asked.
"I'm afraid it is," Hank sighed. "But we might as well watch it to see what exactly they are talking about."
"Greetings," Spyder was on screen. "We call this tape, The Secret Life of Adults. What do they do when they think no one is looking? Let's find out shall we?"
The next scene cut to the bathroom at the Misfit House. "You ain't nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time…" Shipwreck sang in his boxers.
"Now that's reality television," Todd snickered.
"A little too real for my tastes," Althea groaned.
"Here we go with the Elvis again!" Logan groaned.
"Now we will go over the Xavier Institute," Daria's voice spoke. Then there was a shot of the teacher's room. Hank and Logan were there as well as Ororo.
"How did you…?" Hank looked at Trinity.
"Spy cameras," Quinn grinned.
"Of course," Hank sighed. Then he saw Warren walk into the room onscreen. "Oh no this isn't what I think it is, is it?"
"Okay," Warren on camera snapped. "Which one of you was making that racket all night?"
"If you are referring to that aria I was listening to last night, I am sorry that disturbed you," The onscreen Hank said.
"Disturbed? That's putting it mildly," Warren huffed on the tape. "It sounded like a cat fight. Look it's bad enough I have to live in a cramped room but is it too much to ask that I get a little peace and quiet?"
"Oh well I'm so sorry that your room isn't spacious enough your highness!" Logan grunted.
"You try having wings this size!" Warren pointed to them. "I can't help it if they need a lot of room!"
"Okay we are shutting this off," Hank in the real world remarked.
"Oh no you don't," Roadblock stopped him with a grin. "This I want to see!"
"Yeah it looks very educational," Shipwreck laughed as he watched Hank and Warren shout at each other on the tape.
The tape recorded their argument in precise detail. "And next time don't make such a mess in the bathroom! Do you have any idea how much of a mess you left in the drains?" Warren shouted at Hank. "I nearly slipped on the floor with all the hair you left behind!"
"I'm covered in fur! What do you expect?" Hank shouted.
"I expect to have some shampoo left to use! Or at least one clean towel!" Warren snapped.
"For the last time I did not take all the towels!" Hank snapped. "There were at least five left in the closet!"
"Whose closet?" Warren snapped. "I nearly had to use the bathmat to get to my room!"
"Your cramped little room," Logan said sarcastically.
"Well I wouldn't have had to use that bathroom at all earlier on if somebody didn't wreck my experiment!" Hank snapped.
"For the last time Hank, I did not mix your chemicals or do anything else in your mad scientist laboratory!" Warren snapped. "It's not my fault your experiment backfired and you somehow got Jell-O all over you!"
"There were three white feathers left behind in that lab," Hank glared at him. "Apparently I am not the only one who sheds."
"There were also a whole bunch of white feathers covering one of the statues," Logan pointed out. "Maybe one of the kids who pranked that statue did your lab too."
"And you didn't check up on that to get a scent?" Ororo asked.
"Lady I have better things to do than to baby sit a bunch of statues outside," Logan looked at her. "If Charles didn't insist on buying the stupid things every time one of them broke we'd save a lot of money. What is it with him and statues anyway?"
"Well I heard Toad went through a period where he collected garden gnomes," Ororo shrugged.
"Yeah but those things don't cost five hundred thousand dollars a pop," Logan said. "And he outgrew it! I think…"
"All right we all agree that Charles has atrocious taste in statues," Hank said. "That still doesn't excuse what he did!" He pointed to Warren.
"Atrocious tastes?" Xavier glared at Hank back in the viewing room.
"Well you have to admit you do tend to go overboard with the fake Greek goddesses and the Angels," Hank defended himself.
"You can borrow one of my extra garden gnomes," Todd offered to Xavier.
"No thank you Todd," Xavier put his hand to his head. "But if anyone has any extra aspirin…"
"You've been complaining ever since you got here rich boy!" Logan snapped onscreen.
"Well you have to admit it is quite an adjustment from my mansion with plenty of room to this nuthouse!" Warren shouted back.
"So that's why you sabotaged my lab!" Hank snapped. "Pure jealously! My room is bigger than yours!"
"Listen! I didn't even go near your stupid lab," Warren huffed.
"Don't call my lab stupid Featherbrain!" Hank furiously pulled himself up to his full height and stared at Warren.
"Don't call me Featherbrain, Hairball!" Warren shouted.
"Bird boy!" Hank snapped.
"Bigfoot!" Warren shouted back.
"TWEETY BIRD!" Hank roared.
"COOKIE MONSTER!" Warren shouted.
"BE QUIET!" Ororo shouted. "THE BOTH OF YOU! YOU ARE BOTH ACTING LIKE BIRDBRAINS!"
"Oh let them fight it out!" Logan waved. "It's the most entertainment I've had in weeks!"
"Logan you seriously need to get a life!" Ororo shouted.
"HA!" Logan scoffed. "Look who's talking! At least I have a love life!"
"I can arrange it so you won't have one ever again!" Ororo shouted back. Thunder crashed outside.
"Don't blame Logan for telling it like it is!" Hank snapped at her. "Or maybe there is more to your love life than you care to admit!" He glared at Warren.
"And just what do you mean by that comment?" Warren folded his arms.
"Oh please," Hank huffed. "Everybody knows about your little 'talks' on the roof in the morning!"
"So?" Warren snapped. "We both like to fly. So we end up on the roof in the morning. What's so unusual about that?"
"Yeah Beast," Logan told him. "Just because you keep dragging your big feet and missed your opportunity don't get all jealous of Tweety over here!"
"DON'T CALL ME TWEETY!" Warren shouted.
"What are you gonna do about it?" Logan scoffed. "Throw feathers at me?"
"I'm gonna throw more than that you psycho!" Warren started to lunge at Logan.
Ororo blocked him. "Knock it off! The both of you!"
"He tries to start a fight and he calls me the psycho?" Logan grinned.
"If the padded cell fits…" Hank said.
"At least I ain't sexually frustrated," Logan told him. "Which is more than I can say for the three of you!"
"Oh that's it!" Ororo threw up her hands. "Go ahead and kill each other! See if I care!"
"What do you have to complain about? You're a woman!" Warren said.
"So?" Ororo looked at him. "What does that mean?"
"It means that unlike us guys you get to have sex whenever you want," Warren told her. "Hell if you really were desperate all you have to do is give Shipwreck a call and…"
"THAT'S IT!" Ororo tackled him. "YOU ARE GONNA DIE!"
"Stormy I didn't know you cared!" Shipwreck whooped as he watched the brawl on screen. "I love this! You girls definitely get an A from me!"
"Well Angel," Forge grinned. "Looks like you blew any chance of dating Storm with that crack!"
"Shut up you seventies reject," Warren glared at him.
"This is so humiliating," Ororo moaned, putting her head in her hands.
"Well this explains a lot," Roadblock nodded. "You girls have made copies of this right?"
"NEXT!" Xavier shouted.