Chapter Forty-two: Revenge

Summary: Forty-second chapter. Seven to go. That about sums it up.

"And that was it. He just walked out."

Sirius lay in his bed, staring transfixed at the covers. After a moment he raised his head and looked at Lupin. Slowly he shook his head. "I had no idea he could ever harbor that kind of hatred for anyone. Even for Voldemort. And I don't begrudge him an ounce of it, Remus. He has more right than anyone to be angry. Dumbledore said it himself. Not one of us has more of a claim for revenge against Voldemort than Harry does. But for him to actively seek out a way to kill him...." Sirius shook his head again sadly. "That I would never have expected of my godson. And I...how could I have been so blind as not to see this coming?"

"If you want me to talk to him, Sirius...." Lupin began.

"No." Sirius snapped the word back at his friend, making it sound harsher than he intended. He wasn't angry at Lupin. He was angry at himself. "I've failed Harry enough in his life."

"You haven't failed Harry at all, Sirius. How can you even say that?"

Sirius gave his friend a somber stare.

"I think the three years you've been in Harry's life have been the happiest he's ever known, Sirius. You've been there when you could. You've put your own life in danger just to make sure he had someone to talk to when he needed it. I honestly don't understand how you can see your parenting of that boy in such a negative light."

"Because I wasn't there, Remus. Not when he needed me most. For twelve years he sat in the dark and the loneliness that were his life. That should never have been."

"No, it shouldn't have." Lupin sympathized. "But what could you have done about it at the time?"

"I should have tried harder. I should have escaped sooner. I should have insisted Dumbledore give him to me that night. I should have...."

"And James and Lily should never have died." Lupin interjected, cutting Sirius off. "Should have, should have, should have. You'll drive yourself crazy with that, my friend. You're trying to blame yourself for something you had no control over at all. And as for escaping Azkaban sooner, few people would contest the fact that it was a miracle that you made it out at all, let alone survived twelve years in that place. You're here for Harry now, Sirius. You and Arabella. And Harry couldn't be happier with his life."

"Did he sound happy to you, Remus?"

"Not at the moment. But his anger isn't at his whole life, Sirius. Just at one part of it. And that part has little to do with you."

"I think it has everything to do with me."

"He's angry at a lot of things, Sirius. Not just this." Lupin replied, gesturing to Sirius' bandaged leg. "But they all come back to one thing. Voldemort. Not you and not Arabella. He's angry at what Voldemort is trying to do to you. And even past his anger, I think he's afraid. I think he's desperately searching for someway to protect the two of you. To not let Voldemort take away from him again what he's already destroyed once. His family."

"He's still my responsibility, Remus. If anyone's going to have a talk with him, it should be me."

"What about Arabella?"

"She'll be here as well. Just tell Harry we want to see him down here this afternoon."

Harry arrived at the infirmary later that day. Lupin had told him nothing more than that his godparents had wanted to see him. So he had no idea what to expect.

Walking over to Sirius bed, Harry found a somber faced Arabella sitting next to Sirius, holding tightly onto his hand. Her clear blue eyes never left him as he slowly walked over and seated himself in the chair on the opposite side of the bed. She didn't look angry or upset, Harry thought. She looked...'concerned' was the best description he could give her expression.

"We need to have a talk, Harry." Sirius started as soon as Harry settled himself in the chair.

Harry looked at each of his godparents in turn, then settled his gaze on Sirius.

"About what?"

"What you told Remus this morning."

Harry sat in stunned silence. He couldn't believe Lupin had told Sirius what he had said.

"And before you go blaming Remus," Sirius cut into his thoughts, "you should be glad he did. What you're planning is very dangerous, Harry. More so than you think."

Harry steeled himself up for the argument he felt was coming. "Dumbledore said it would work." He stated.

"And based on that I'd agree in all confidence it probably will. But the spell is just one part of it, Harry. There are countless other factors to think about. Ones that you aren't."

"I've thought about it, Sirius. I've thought the whole thing through."

"Really. And how exactly are you planning to get to Voldemort, Harry? He isn't going to walk right up to you."

"I think he will. He's always been confident that he could kill me each time we've met. He's always been wrong."

"And each time he's been wrong he's come back with a better plan, hasn't he? One that went a little closer to succeeding than the one before it. You have no idea what he will come at you with. How are you planning to deflect something when you don't even know what it is? You don't even know how to deflect half the spells he could use against you."

"All I have to do is say the spell, Sirius."

"Wrong. First you have to get to him. How do you plan to do that?"

"By killing everything between him and me."

"That'll be an awful lot of Deatheaters, Harry. What do you expect them to do? Line up for the pleasure? While you're killing one, fifty more will be hurling spells at you. It only takes one to find it's mark and you are dead."

"I'll sneak in."

"How?"

"I'll ask Dumbledore. Maybe the ministries spies have found a way to get....."

"Fine. To expedite things, let's say you made it in. Now what?"

"I'll find Voldemort and say the spell."

"And where will you find Voldemort?"

"In his chamber."

"Where is it?"

Harry was getting irritated at Sirius' questioning. He had a perfectly good plan. Why was Sirius so opposed to it?

"It's in his lair."

"Where?" Sirius stated a good deal more firmly, nearly shouting the question at his godson.

Arabella squeezed his hand, giving him a worried look.

Harry jumped slightly at Sirius' tone. "I wouldn't go in without knowing where he was."

"How are you going to find out?"

"The ministry will tell me."

"The ministry will only tell you enough to make sure you serve their purpose. And on that note, lets say by some incredible quirk of luck, you find Voldemort and manage to kill him. How are you going to get out? You think the Deatheaters are going to let you just walk out? You expect them to throw rose petals under your feet as you go?"

"The ministry...."

"Will have their hands full saving their own butts. They're not going to be that concerned with the whereabouts or well-being of a fifteen year old boy once Voldemort's dead. But trust me, the Deatheaters will be very interested in where you are and what you're doing. And everyone of them will be trying to kill you with the same single-mindedness that you plan to go after Voldemort with. That kind of thinking usually gets you killed."

"Fine!" Harry stated, his tone echoing his frustration. "So, according to you, I can't get into the lair, I can't find Voldemort, I can't kill him, and I can't get out. I guess that sort of kills my weekend plans."

"Harry," Arabella spoke up, her voice as solicitous as ever, "Sirius isn't trying to berate you. We want you to understand why this is so dangerous. Why you aren't prepared for what you could be facing. We've both seen what you could find yourself up against. We've been in the midst of it ourselves and barely made it out alive." Her voice filled with concern. "You're not an Auror, Harry. You're a fifteen year old boy."

Harry stared at her for a moment. "He isn't going to stop coming after me, Arabella. Or you. Or Sirius. They almost killed Sirius this time. The next time they might succeed. I can't sit here waiting for that day to come. I'd rather meet it head-on."

"And you're sorely under-prepared to do that, Harry." Sirius put in. "I can only hope that you're able to see that now."

"So now what?" Harry asked. "We just sit here and let Voldemort come to us? Hope that I can protect myself from him when he does come?"

Sirius glanced at Arabella for a moment. She gave him a small smile before he turned back to Harry.

"Arabella and I have talked this over with Remus, Harry. As well as with Dumbledore. And we agreed that Remus isn't going to teach you the spell."

Harry opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius quickly cut him off.

"I am."