Lessons Well Learned

By Violet Ice

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The old gray couch; Miru's most prized possession. That couch had been his safe haven all his life. When he was little and Mama was mad at him, he's cry behind it. As he got older, it was his constant companion; where he slept, where he ate, where he did homework, where he was any time he was home. It was the place he had been when he told his mother he was gay, the place he had had his first kiss, the place he had sat the first time he cried since he was a small child…

It was the place he and Kamatari always inadvertently wound up.

Arriving back at the small house, Miru led his friend directly into the den, and settled him on the couch. Then he disappeared off into the kitchen in search of a snack. Meibi would be busy with Mitsu for at least an hour before he went down for his nap, so they would have that much time uninterrupted…He rummaged through the refrigerator, looking for a suitable snack, something that Kamatari would really like.

The other boy was still visibly shaken after his ordeal that afternoon. He was sitting on the sofa, his knees drawn up to his chest, a pillow in his arms, when Miru returned. His brown eyes were wide and he stared at a picture on the wall, seeming to look right through it.

The dark-haired teen set down the bag of cheesy popcorn he found in the cupboard and sat beside Kamatari, looking at him seriously. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked quietly.

Kamatari looked over at him, his eyes full of anguish. "Can I cry now?" He whispered softly, his voice trembling.

There was silence for a moment, then Miru's chin began to waver. His dark eyes swam with tears and Kamatari knew in a minute he would have his companion sobbing in his arms. This was the only place where Miru felt comfortable enough to cry, no matter how upset he was. "We…We can both cry now." He managed to squeak out, "We're safe now…"

"Oh Miru…" It wasn't that he'd never seen Miru cry before. It was that he knew it was his fault that Miru needed to cry. He hated knowing it was his fault that his friend was angry or hurting. He hated to see all those black eyes and bruises from the fights on his behalf. It tore up his heart, knowing that if it weren't for him, Miru's life would be somewhat normal.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he pulled Miru into his arms. "I'm so sorry. I don't want to make you cry. It's my fault. I always make you cry. If I weren't like this, you-"

"If you ever say that again, I'll bash your head in." Miru's whole body shook as he began to cry into Kamatari's chest. "None of what they do to you is your fault and I don't fight all those battles for some one else. Only you. I wasn't fighting for the person every one thinks you should be. I was fighting for the person that you are."

Kamatari wasn't quite sure what he should say to that. Nothing seemed adequate. He never knew what would come out of Miru's mouth when he was feeling secure in himself. All uncertainty seemed to disappear when they were alone on that couch together. Miru would say whatever was in his heart, whether it was endearing or not.

"I was so afraid…When I saw them there I knew they were doing something to you. You always wait there for me and I knew…I was scared. Shit, I was so damn scared. I hate that helpless, terrified feeling. I'm always afraid that I'll lose you someday."

"You're not going to lose me." Kamatari buried his face in Miru's hair, inhaling the smell of his shampoo, wanting to hold him forever; this was how it always was. The desperate clinging, the holding, the wild look in the other boy's eyes; it was always the same. There was so much to Miru that no one else ever saw.

"Why didn't you cry? Why didn't you cry, Kamatari? Why the hell don't you ever fight back? You just stand there and let them hurt you…" Miru moved his head slightly, his fingers running lightly across Kamatari's arm where a nasty purplish bruise was spreading. Closing his eyes, he could picture one of those pathetic excuses for a human grabbing him there, yanking on his arm, pushing him down to the ground. It made him so angry; made his blood boil in his veins…

"You don't want me to cry. And I have my pride, Miru. Why would I waste my tears on the people who don't give a shit if I lived or die? Why should I give them the satisfaction of knowing that they're hurting me? Why the hell would you want me to cry when you tell me not to? What do you want me to do, Miru?"

"…Are you angry with me?" Miru's voice was muffled, his face still pressed up against his friend's shirt, "I hate when you're angry…But when they do that to you…I don't know what to do any more. Everything stops and nothing matters but you. And I feel so damn helpless, because I can't always protect you from all that hatred."

"You try your best." Kamatari's hand was running along Miru's hair, stroking his ponytail, his mane smooth and shiny. Just touching him, knowing he was able to be so close to the one person who mattered more than anything in the world…Nothing else mattered right then.

"My best isn't good enough. They still make you hurt. I can't keep bad things from happening to you."

"I never asked you to keep bad things from happening to me. I only asked you to stick by my side."

Miru felt fingers caressing his cheek. He wanted to curl up in a little ball and just stay forever in Kamatari's lap. Never mind the couch. It was in his friend's arms that he felt the safest. His inky eyes turned upwards, taking in his companion's tear streaked face, dark eyes meeting those of Kamatari, staring, burning into them, heavy with lust. "I'll always be by your side."

Kamatari smiled sadly, brushing back a strand of Miru's hair.

Somehow, he already knew that.

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Misao was staring out the window. Kaoru had stopped to get gas on the way home and there seemed to be a lot of people at the gas station. They were only one of the cars waiting to get to a pump; several other people sat in their cars looking as dissatisfied as she felt.

Kaoru was drumming her fingers on the steering wheel, humming along to the song on the radio. She didn't seem too upset about the wait; in fact, she appeared to be enjoying herself.

For once, there was a lot going on in Misao's mind that didn't involve boys or fashion. What she had seen in the parking lot, it wasn't as lost on her as one would think. Something valuable had been left in her mind after witnessing that event; some little shred of wisdom. The gears were set in motion and there was no stopping them now.

"Kaoru?"

"Hmm?" Kaoru stopped mid-hum and turned to look at her friend. Misao still stared out the window, her back to Kaoru.

"If something like that happened to me," She began slowly, "What would you do?"

"Something like what?"

"Like what those guys were doing to Kamatari." Misao squirmed a little, knowing this kind of thing wasn't what she and Kaoru usually talked about. Their conversations were never anything personal or deep, just the superficial things people who didn't know each other well discussed. "If people were trying to hurt me like that, what would you do?"

There was silence for a long time, then Kaoru inched the car forwards and pulled up to a pump. She shut off the ignition, got out of the car and began to fill the tank without bothering to answer the question. She knew that Misao would be angry for ignoring her and not answering the question, but…

It's not that she didn't want to answer.

She didn't know how to answer.

"Don't ignore me!" Misao pushed open the door and climbed out of the car, slamming it shut behind her. "I asked you a question!"

Kaoru's brow furrowed. "What do you want me to say, Misao? What kind of answer would make you happy? I sure as hell wouldn't want to find myself in the middle of that crowd. I think, to be honest, I would be too scared to do anything. I would just go my own way and let you fend for yourself."

"You'd WHAT?!" Misao's blue eyes widened as she stared aghast at Kaoru. She stepped back as if some one had slapped her, the words rattling around in her mind, as Kaoru continued to speak.

"Is that not the right answer? Isn't that what you wanted to hear, the truth? Or do you want me to make up the same little lies that every one else does to cushion you from cold reality? Of course I'd come to your rescue…I'd let myself get all beaten up for somebody who doesn't care if I live or die. Somebody who could replace me with the snap of a finger because all her so-called friends love her for is her money. You'd want me to get hurt, so long as you didn't break a nail, wouldn't you?"

"What are you…?" Confusion was creeping through Misao's mind. How had this gone so badly? Was this how Kaoru really felt about her? Where had the hatred come from? She felt numb. I know nothing about my own best friend…

"You just stood there, Misao! You could have done something! You could see that they were hurting him! And you just watched!" Kaoru was practically screaming now, her voice shrill and strained, "You didn't do anything!"

"Neither did you!"

"I couldn't even see what they were doing! You're the one who pushed your way through there to see what the hell was going on, then just stood there gaping. You didn't even tell them to stop. God, they could have killed him and you were watching!"

"Shut up! Shut up!! I don't need this from you! I'm leaving!"

"What; can't handle the truth? Now you see why every one only tells you lies, don't you?" Kaoru didn't even realize what she was doing until the gas nearly overflowed all over her feet and Misao was halfway across the gas station, storming off like she said she would. "Dammit all, she's really leaving…"

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Aoshi had dropped Meibi off and was headed back across town to his family's small house when it began to poor rain. There had been a storm brewing all afternoon and now it was coming down like there was no tomorrow.

One of the windshield wipers on his car stuck and it dragged along, making it kind of hard to see in a bad rain such as this. But Aoshi had never had an accident, was confident in his driving abilities, and knew he could make it home in one piece.

He hadn't, however, taken in to consideration the possibility of nearly running over a distraught girl who didn't pay attention when she was crossing the street…

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En Satsu Koku Ryuu Ha: I was intrigued by your review and your question about Kamatari. I'd love to tell you my views on this subject, but it would be too much to do in an author's note. If you can e-mail me/leave your e-mail or if you have AIM (my SN is kourishien), I'd love to talk to you about it.