Lessons Well Learned

By Violet Ice

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"You can sit with us. No one will mind. Miru and Kamatari usually spend the period fighting and Aoshi just does homework." Meibi informed Kaoru while they waited in the lunch line, "We all sit together, but nobody really gets along."

Kaoru looked at Meibi, hidden away again under her mass of bangs, "Miru and Kamatari fight?" She was extremely curious about the two of them.

"Everybody picks on Kamatari most during lunch and he always cries. Then Miru gets angry and it causes a fight and then he gets frustrated because he doesn't know how to handle Kamatari when he's crying and he yells at him. So they argue a lot."

"Oh." There was silence for a moment as the two moved up in the line and Meibi surveyed the lunch spread, "Then why are they together?"

"Because Kamatari is in love." She said simply as she grabbed a cheeseburger, "And Miru likes the attention."

Kaoru pondered this as she followed the other girl to the table in the back corner. Nobody else was there and the two of them plopped down next to one another. "You think Miru doesn't care about him?"

"I know Miru doesn't care about him. My brother only cares about one person and that's himself. He'd do any one who's willing. All he wants is pleasure."

"But they've been together since last spring. Isn't that a long time? And besides, Kamatari doesn't seem like that kind of guy."

"He's not." Came the dry reply, "But then, Miru likes a challenge. All he wants to do is get in his pants."

"You really think so?"

"Yup. I feel sorry for Kamatari. He's going to be so heartbroken when he realizes…"

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Kamatari held his head high as he bravely worked his way through the crowded cafeteria to the table he and his companions always sat at. He was by himself and had no clue where Miru was; they didn't have class together before lunch. His slouchy corduroy book bag bounced against his thigh and he curled his fingers around the strap to keep it still. Days he had Miru's clothing on, it was easier to blend into the crowd and he didn't want to draw attention to himself.

Meibi was already at the table, along with another girl who had a long, dark ponytail. He knew who the other girl was; a sophomore, on the honor roll, she had once yelled at some one who called him a fag. He wondered why she was sitting with Meibi, but figured he would know soon enough.

He was about to call out a hello when Meibi's voice drifted over to him above the din of the crowded cafeteria. "…But then, Miru likes a challenge. All he wants to do is get in his pants."

Kamatari froze. He felt as if his heart had stopped within his chest; as if some one had ripped it out and stomped on it. No…No! She's wrong! His fingers tightened around the strap; he was holding on to it for dear life.

"You really think so?" Came the other girl's voice, softer and inquisitive. She sounded almost sad, as if she pitied the boy.

His heart resumed beating and it was pounding against his chest, hammering wildly. Meibi didn't sound like she was joking. No; she sounded rather matter-of-fact in her statements. But she couldn't…She couldn't know. She wasn't there all those times…Miru wouldn't lie to him. He wouldn't; he wouldn't; he wouldn't!

"Yup. I feel sorry for Kamatari. He's going to be so heartbroken when he realizes…"

Kamatari's brown eyes were as wide as they could be. Tears clung to his lashes. Meibi had to be wrong. She just had to be! But then…All those times…Miru wanted him to come over. Miru wanted him to share the bed. Miru wanted them to be alone together. Miru…It was always what Miru wanted! A terrible thought crossed his mind.

What if Meibi is right?

Not able to stand another moment there listening to all of that, he fled from the lunch room, tears threatening to come, and he didn't care who he ran into and what they did to him; it didn't matter because nothing could hurt more than the anguish in his heart right then.

His heart was broken. Torn to shreds. In shards on the floor. It didn't matter; nothing mattered; he just wanted to die. I love him. I love him more than anything in the world and all he wants from me…No. No…No!! He wanted to leave. He had to leave. His coat was in his locker; he wanted to get it and be anywhere but there.

Frustrated, angry, despondent, he began twirling the dial on his locker, proceeding to forget the numbers, forget the combination when he recalled the numbers, forget everything except the sound of Meibi's voice so plainly informing the world that Miru didn't give a shit about any one but himself. The locker refused to open. More discouraged now, he began to pound his fist against the metal door.

"Open, dammit! Open so I can leave. So I can go kill myself and do the world a favor!" He yanked on the door while kicking it at the same time, tears spilling down his face.

"Kamatari, what are you doing?"

Reality set in again at the sound of Aoshi's quiet voice behind him. Sighing in defeat, he resigned to the fact that his locker was not going to open while he was panicking, and he rested his forehead against the cool metal. "I can't open it." He said softly, voice wavering as the tears continued to fall.

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Aoshi," The young transvestite twisted around so that his back was up against the locker, his hands still resting lightly on the dial. "Miru doesn't care about me at all, does he?" He asked forlornly, "He just wants to…" More tears spilled forth and he had to stop talking, his sentence left unfinished and dangling in the silence between them.

A sigh escaped the other boy's lips. How was it his luck that he had to run into both of the people he didn't know how to deal with while they were crying their eyes out? "What gave you that idea?" He studied his companion's face; red, wet with tears, his eyes mournful and full of torment, his expression dejected. Only hours before he had been happily running off to class, Miru's hand clasped in his. What had brought about this transformation?

Kamatari sniffled. "I overheard Meibi and she said-"

"You believed Meibi?" Aoshi didn't even want to wait and hear what she had said. Meibi thought she knew everything, but there was a lot she still didn't understand. "Kamatari, stop crying. You know Miru cares about you. You're just being silly."

"Am I?" He looked up, his eyes meeting Aoshi's, a lost expression crossing his face, "Am I being silly, Aoshi? How do I know?"

"Look, you know Miru better than any one does, even better than his own mother. You know when he's lying and when he's telling the truth, don't you?"

"I thought I did. But now I'm not so sure…" He trailed off, his gaze dropping to his feet, coming to rest on his brown leather sandals which totally clashed with the rest of his outfit. "What if she's right?"

"How could she possibly be right when you two don't fool around at all?" Aoshi demanded, "He respects that you don't want to do any of that stuff. How can you possibly think-"

"I do know him better than anybody, Aoshi! I do!" Kamatari suddenly burst out, "Just this morning on the way here he tried to do as he pleased with me and he only stopped because I started to cry. You don't understand because you don't see in his eyes what I do. All the lust…All the desire…It's not there when you look him in the eyes. You couldn't possibly understand!"

"Kamatari…"

"Well, I don't care any more! I don't care! Maybe I should let him do whatever the hell he wants! That would sure as hell be better than all the shit I get at home and here and everywhere else."

"Will you listen to what you're saying?" Aoshi grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to look up, seeing himself reflected in Kamatari's wide eyes. "You're not like that, Kamatari. You don't want that and you would never degrade yourself like that. So don't even suggest it. No matter what Meibi says, I know Miru cares about you. Maybe he doesn't even realize it himself…But I'll be damned to find out otherwise."

"Aoshi…" A little bit of the light in Kamatari's eyes was ignited at this. He'd never seen Aoshi so fired up about anything before and it really surprised him. He felt himself getting choked up again and he wanted to hug the other boy for being so understanding.

"Don't apologize. And don't say thank you either. I know I'm not the most friendly person or anything, but I'd have to say I'd consider you a friend more than any one else. I couldn't just leave you here like that, could I?"

"Well, you could have, but…" Kamatari's head lowered again, "But I'm glad you didn't. I was out of control. Who knows what I would have done. I'm so embarrassed, throwing a tantrum like that." He sighed.

"It's okay. Everybody has bad days." Aoshi hoped there would be no more drama throughout the course of the day. He didn't think he could handle any more crying. Two distraught…people was enough for one day. "But maybe you should try talking to Miru about it later. Tell him how you feel."

Kamatari's face was instantly an indescribable shade of scarlet. "I couldn't possibly…I mean, tell him…What would I say?" He stammered. Just thinking about saying something like that made his heart pound wildly. He already knew he didn't have the nerve to say it. He'd tried only that morning and it hadn't worked.

"You…love him, don't you? Start by saying that." Aoshi blinked. What else was he supposed to say?

"It's not that easy to say, Aoshi. I bet you wouldn't know what to do if you were the one who felt that way." Kamatari wiped his eyes on his sleeve, "You probably wouldn't even realize that you were in love. It's kind of scary, being in love for the first time."

"Are you okay now?" Aoshi's cold eyes flitted off in another direction; he always tried to seem unconcerned when every one knew he was.

"I guess so…Lunch is almost over. Go ahead and get something to eat. I'm not hungry. I'll see you later, Aoshi."

"Yeah, later."

Kamatari shook his head as Aoshi strode away, once again leaned against his locker. He was exhausted -crying took a lot out of a person- and he felt small and alone. "Talk to Miru" he says. That's a lot easier said than done. And if I do tell him, and he doesn't feel the same, where do we go from there?

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It was surprisingly calm and quiet when Miru entered the cafeteria that afternoon. There was no yelling, no fighting, no obnoxious jocks causing trouble. He pondered this for a moment, then realized why it was so.

There was no sign of Kamatari.

Meibi and another girl were at the lunch table, chatting up a storm. He had no clue who the other girl was, other than he thought he might have shoved her out of his way the day before when he went running to rescue Kamatari. Aoshi wasn't there, which wasn't that big of a deal, but he wondered where his other half had gotten to. Kamatari was always there before him, and if he wasn't at the table his bag would be there at least.

"Hey Mei." He plunked his lunch tray down on the table and eased himself into a seat, "Where's Kamatari?"

"I dunno." She shrugged, "Haven't seen him since this morning." Then she turned back to the other girl, talking a mile a minute, her hair moving as her facial expressions changed beneath it.

He blinked his dark eyes. This was very unlike his friend, but then something might have happened to him and he might be holed up somewhere crying. When Aoshi appeared -if he did- Miru would ask him if he'd seen Kamatari. Either way, he had class with the other boy before the day was out and would find out what was up then.

Aoshi appeared then, stoic as usual, setting down his bag and pulling out his lunch. Miru looked at him pointedly. "Where's Kamatari?" This was the way he always was; never mind asking if Aoshi had seen his friend.

"He's not coming." The response was noncommittal, dry, matter-of-fact.

"Why not?" Miru challenged, "What happened to him?"

Aoshi looked up at him, icy blue eyes meeting inky black ones. "He isn't hungry."

Miru sat back in his chair. Something had happened. Something had upset Kamatari. Even if he wasn't hungry, he still always showed up in the cafeteria; it was his favorite time of day besides afternoon dismissal. But there was no point in further inquiring on the subject; Aoshi would tell him no more. He sighed, rolling his eyes. This meant he would have to weasel it out of Kamatari himself and that had potential to be difficult.