NOTE: This comes to you courtesy of Gileswench's Mini-Challenge #10: Music. It has been revised since I originally posted it on the GRB list.
Disclaimer: Mutant Enemy owns Giles and all his friends. Neither do I own any of the songs used in this fic (original artists are listed at the end). All I own is my imagination, my computer, and my dreadful taste in music; please don't sue.
Giles was checking his inventory and wishing for a customer to come in and break the monotony when a small hurricane entered his store. He looked up and was shocked to see his assistant locking the door and pulling down the shade on the door.
"Anya? Just what do you think you're doing? The ex-demon answered him by silently grabbing him by the shoulders and throwing him to the ground. Giles' mouth went dry, and his heart began to pound. "What wrong? Is it Glory? Is Buffy alright? He turned his assistant's face towards him and demanded fiercely, "Has Dawn been harmed?
"No," she whispered. "It's not Dawn. It'sÉ" Anya took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and then murmured in a barely audible voice, "It's Harold Edelstein.
Anya was shaking with fear, but Giles was at a loss. Harold Edelstein? That didn't sound like a demon to him. It didn't even sound like a very dangerous human. "Anya," he began, in a normal tone.
"Shhh," she hissed at him. "He'll hear you! He'll know that somebody is in here. She stared at him with terror-filled eyes. "Do you want him to come in here?
"I don't know," Giles answered with burgeoning annoyance. "Who is he?
Anya lifted up the shade and peeked out cautiously before answering him. "A doctor I cursed about ten years ago. One of my greatest triumphs. But you don't want to meet him, believe me!
Giles was definitely irritated now. "Is he violent?
"No," Anya began, "but
"Then his money is just as good as anyone else's," Giles declared decisively. He rose up and drew the shades. Anya fled into his office, causing the Watcher to shake his head in disgust. He hoped that she would at least do some paperwork while she was in there.
When Giles opened the door to his shop, loudly proclaiming, "Welcome to The Magic Box. On the doorstep was a non-descript middle-aged man quietly singing to himself.
"Our house
In the middle of our street!
Our house
In the middle of our street!
The customer was of medium height, with graying brown hair, faded eyes, and a washed out face. His suit was well made but blandly conservative. All in all, Harold Edelstein was the most innocuous man Giles had ever met. There was absolutely nothing about the man to alarm any sane person. Ah well, Anya hardly fit that criterion after all.
Harold continued his quiet singing until Giles caught his eye. He then cleared his throat and said, "I'm just looking. Before Giles could answer, he began bouncing his head and singing the chorus to "Help Me Rhonda.
A little disconcerted by his strong inclination to sing along, Giles stuttered, "Um, yes. Certainly. Can I, uh
Harold gave a tight, humorless smile and shook his head. He went over to the books and began pulling them out by the handfuls.
"Got my mind seeet ooon you.
I got my mind seeet ooon you
Giles watched his odd customer for over an hour. After the first three minutes, he was praying for somebody else to enter the shop.
"My girl wants to
Party all the time!
Party all the time!
Party all the tiii-iiime!
A customer, Buffy come for training, a vampire, the Sisterhood of Jhe, GloryÉ he didn't really care. He just wanted to have someone distract him from Harold's bland singing.
"Hey Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my mind.
Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey!
He had been rather harsh on demons seeking the end of life on earth in the past. Perhaps too harsh. An apocalypse sounded rather pleasant at the moment.
"Get it on.
Bang a gong.
Get it on!
After all, if the world were to end in the next five minutes, Harold would go with it. Surely he would stop singing at that pointÉ?
"I wanna be a cowboy,
And you can be my cowgirl!
Not that Harold's voice was terrible, actually. It was just his choice in music.
"Shiny, shiny
Look out behind me.
Shiny, shiny
Sha-na-na-na
He only picked peppy, repetitive songs, the type that lodged in one's brain and took up residence.
"Be good, be good
Be good, be good
Be good, be good
Jooohhhn-nee!
And he wouldn't fucking shut-up.
"I'm on a Mexican
Whoa-oh
Rad-ee-oh!
Finally Giles couldn't take it any longer. "I, uh, need to go confer with my assistant. Will you be alright by yourself?
"Insane in the membrane,
Insane in the brain!
Well, that wasn't the most reassuring of answers, but Giles chose to take it as affirmation anyway. If he spent another five seconds in Harold's company he was going to go insane. Violently so. He ran into his office before the man could start another song.
It was an indication of how badly frayed his nerves were that he began bellowing at the ex-demon even before he shut the door. "Anya, just what the hell did you do to that poor man?
"I told you not to open the door." Anya gave him an uncharacteristically sympathetic look. "He's gotten to you, hasn't he?
Giles ran his hands through his hair in distraction. "Yes. Yes, he has. He would get to anyone. Was that your vengeance?
Anya nodded, and then gave a reminiscent smile. "No one can stand to be around him for more than five minutes. He has no one in his life except dead people. Off of Giles' look, she explained, "He had to give up a successful practice and go work in the morgue because his nurses all quit. Didn't matter though, because his patients would have left anyway.
After seventy-five long minutes in Harold Edelman's company, Giles' patience was pretty much at an end. Nevertheless, he gathered the very last of it and gritted out, "Yes, but what did you do to him? And why?
"My client was at Julliard on a musical scholarship, studying to be a concert violinist, when Harold asked her to marry him. He convinced Edie (and why she agreed to become Edie Edelman I really can't imagine!) to drop out of school and support him while he went to medical school. She worked tables for a while before winding up behind the bar at a nightclub, hating every minute of it. And what did she get for her trouble? Anya glared at Giles fiercely, reminding him that this apparent girl had spent over a millennium punishing errant men. "As soon as Harold finished his internship and received a staff position he dumped her. He wanted someone that could enhance his position at the hospital, and a nightclub bartender couldn't do that for him. He said he needed someone more polished. He left her for an opera singer!
Giles nodded in sudden understanding. "Edie wished that he would be doomed to sing the songs that she had been forced to listen to at the nightclub.
"Not quite," Anya corrected. "She wished that he would only be forced to sing the most repetitive songs, those with the least musical merit. And I carried out her wish for her. She smiled proudly. "One of my greatest successes, actu--
All of a sudden, the door crashed open, interrupting Anya's gloating. "So this is your fault," demanded Harold. "You did this? He ran at her like a madman, screaming out,
"You did it, you did it,
You did it, you did it,
You did it in a minute.
Giles watched this scene in horror, but when Harold put his hands around Anya's throat and began throttling her, he sprang into action. Giles quickly spun Dr. Edelstein around and punched him on the jaw. The cursed man snarled out,
"Tra la la, la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la, la-la-la.
One banana, two bananana,
Three ban
Giles slammed Harold's head into the floor, knocking him unconscious before he could finish. He remembered that song from his teenaged years, and hadn't liked it then either.
As soon as Harold Edelstein was out cold, Giles turned to Anya. "Are you alright," he asked anxiously. When Anya nodded, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. You rest up while I go find a strong memory spell. I want him to forget about you, the Magic Box, and the entire town of Sunnydale. As soon as we have it, we'll dump him outside of town.
Giles went upstairs to the restricted section, where he kept the books that weren't for sale. He had just found a large volume of memory charms that should contain the tabula rasa spell when Anya screamed out for him.
He dropped the book and dashed down the stairs, taking five or six steps per leap. He ran into the office only to find himself staring straight into Harold's wild eyes. He looked too groggy to assault Anya again, but Harold Edelman was never without his own unique weapon.
"I'm turning Japanese,
I think I'm turning Japanese,
Giles punched Harold in the stomach, hard. It should have knocked the wind out of the elderly man, but his malice was nearly unstoppable. He gave Giles a deranged smile and continued:
\
"I really think so.
I'm turning Jap
Desperate to shut the old man up, Giles head-butted him and threw the stunned man against the wall. Harold was unconscious again, and this time Giles wasn't taking any chances this time.
"I want you to find some rope and fabric that we can use to gag him. And Anya," Giles gave his assistant a stern glare, "make sure it is a very thick gag.
Anya nodded, and went to do his bidding. She returned quickly with the materials that he had requested, as well as Buffy's CD player. "I thought this might help to wash away the last two hours.
As the soothing opening notes of Mozart's 41st Symphony filled the small office, Giles nodded approvingly at his assistant. Despite her faults, Anya was excellent at showing initiative in the work place. He could almost forgive her for bringing Harold Edelstein into his life in the first place. Almost, but not quite.
~*~*~
Giles and Anya filled the others in about the day's events that evening during their nightly research. They were noticeably unsympathetic.
"I don't understand what you two are carrying on about here," Xander declared. "I mean, okay, the guy liked to sing. What's the big deal?
"Liked to sing! You think that's all I did to him," Anya demanded hotly. "Don't you think I can do a better job than that? I mean, if I'm going to curse someone, they're going to know that they've been cursed! Not that I'm planning to curse anyone again, of course, but still--
Buffy shrugged in irritation. "Okay, so the songs were annoying, but they could have been worse. I mean, it's not like he was singing the theme songs to 1970's sitcoms, was it?
"Ooh, ooh," Willow interjected happily. "Schmiel, schmozzle,
"Hassenfeffer Incorporated," Tara added with a sweet smile.
Putting one arm around Willow and one around Tara, Dawn chimed in, "We're going to do it! All three continued together:
"Give us any chance, we'll take it,
Read us any rule, we'll br
"That's quite enough, thank-you," Giles interrupted forcefully. He then turned to the carpenter with an evil smile. "So you feel that we over-reacted, do you Xander?
"Well, yeah," the carpenter huffed. "While you were at the Magic Box singing around the campfire, I helped Buffy dispose of the world's stinkiest demon. I would have traded you in a heartbeat. Giles' smile turned feral, and Xander gulped nervously. "Or maybe not. I mean, I'm sure that
Giles leaned forward, until his face was just an inch away from Xander's. His eyes bored into the boy's frightened brown ones, and his lip snarled cruelly. Then slowly, deliberately, he proceeded to pay Anya back for his hellish afternoon. Xander was a perfect instrument for his revenge. The Watcher opened his mouth and chanted: "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto
Xander looked like a rabbit, as he helplessly opened his mouth and squeaked out, "Domo, domo.
Giles got up and addressed the room at large. "I'm going in search of large amounts of alcohol to kill as many brain cells as I need to in order to erase the events of this afternoon. Please lock up when you finish.
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto
Buffy grabbed his arm and scowled at him. "Do you think that's wise right now? He gave her a wry smile, but said nothing. She gripped him tighter. "What about our research session? I need to know what that thing was that I slew this afternoon!
Giles leaned forward, until his mouth was right at her ear. It was an intimate gesture, and probably would have looked like a soft moment between lovers to an outside observer, but Giles' whispered words sent a shiver of terror straight down the Slayer's spine. "I suggest you let go of me, Buffy. I still remember the tune to ÔRock Me Amadeus,' and I'm not afraid to use it.
With a look of horrified betrayal, Buffy released his arm and jumped back several feet. Without another word, Giles headed for the door. As he was closing the door, he heard Xander singing feebly as the others all yelled at him to shut the hell up. No one yelled louder or more stringently than Anya, who knew that she was facing the prospect of listening to that damn song all night long.
Giles laughed to himself. Some might consider his revenge against the vengeance demon to be cruel and unusual, but he knew that Anya would understand. After all, it did fit the crime.
THE END
"Our House," by Madness
"Help Me Rhonda," by The Beach Boys
"Mind Set on You," by George Harrison
"My Girl Likes to Party," by Eddie Murphy
"Hey Mickey!" by Toni Basil
"Get it On (Bang a Gong)", by Power Station
"I Wanna be a Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry
"Shiny, Shiny" by Haysi Fantayzee
"Be Good Johnny," by Men at Work
"Mexican Radio," by Wall of Voodoo
"Insane in the Membrane," by Cypress Hill
"Did It in a Minute," by Hall and Oates
"The Tra La La Song," theme song to "The Banana Split Hour
"Turning Japanese" by The Vapors
"Making Our Dreams Come True," by Cyndi Grecco
"Mr. Roboto," by Styx
"Rock Me Amadeus," by Falco