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Chapter 4
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Perhaps it was the same feeling she'd had when her father left home, the same feeling that drove her away. She desperately tried, through her distraught state of mind, to understand why Horatio had left her home suddenly, out of the blue.
Was he fleeing because he was scared, she wondered. By taking her own runaways into consideration, she understood that she needed to flee when she was afraid to face something difficult.
Horatio did the same. He pushed people away before they left him. It was a defense mechanism. He was afraid of his feelings. Afraid of what it meant if he'd share them.
He was gone and she was still staring at the steaming cup of tea resting on the side of her living room table.
She had offered to make him some tea at her condo. He had accepted, thinking it was best to go somewhere where they could talk privately.
She tried to get used to the idea of another night of being completely content in sitting home alone. She's had many evenings where she was perfectly happy sipping her decaffeinated tea. Unfortunately, tonight wasn't one of them.
She was usually good at reading men and it frustrated her to not be able to read the one man she wished to the most. The fine line between a deep friendship and love was thinning in her mind when she thought of Horatio. She wished he knew how she felt and more importantly wished she knew how he felt because it had become so very delicate. Like walking on eggshells.
On one hand, she had to play the game of being a close friend when in reality she was madly in love. She wanted to preserve the affinity. The mutual admiration and connection was precious to her and she didn't want her feelings to damage that. On the other hand, the game was getting hard to persue and she just couldn't bear not knowing how he felt. The friendship wasn't merely enough. She wanted to touch him, to kiss him but the space between them, small as it may, stayed. The way he paid much more attention to her than to the others made her wonder if he was just being polite. Or was it just her imagination? Still confused, the only sure thing she knew now was that she had ruined the relationship she had with that man. Horatio had left.
Calleigh was certain she'd be mirroring Horatio's feelings. She was completely wrong. He'd answered: "I don't want to lose my independence - "
Funny, he should think the same thing she did but she clearly was the only one willing to let go of it. She had nodded and he continued: "I'm not really looking for a girlfriend right now - "
Most likely sensing her tensing up, he added: "But I could change my mind."
Her eyes never left her lap, as she held her cup of tea in her hands. She smiled nervously. She'd read too much into this man. She hated the position she'd put herself in. He knew, at that moment, that she had feeling for him from her reaction. She was mad that he could read her with such ease. The question had been so vague but he knew exactly what she wanted to know. The silence that came after was heavy. Horatio shifted uncomfortably on the couch. He knew she was hurt and it crushed him to think that it was his fault. He wanted to disappear. Not unlike her, he presumed.
"I'm sorry Calleigh, I think it's best if I leave - "
Her answer had been barely audible. As the door came shut behind Horatio, she shut down also. Her heart broke.
Why couldn't she be satisfied with friendship? She had been surprised that he accepted the invitation without hesitation. Now, she knew why: he enjoyed being with her. It was that simple. No more, no less.
She curled up on the couch and set her head on the cushion Horatio had been leaning on. It was not only still warm from the heat emanating from his body, but it still smelled like Horatio. It smelled better than freshly washed clothes, better than the first cup of coffee in the day, better than anything she'd ever smelled. She'd grown used to smelling it and every time the scent reached her nostrils, her mind would go blank, she'd lose track of time, of space, of herself. All of her senses concentrated on that single thing.
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"Horatio, please don't go - " the desire sickened her. She was drowning in cold dark water waiting and wanting, hoping and expecting that a hand would break the surface and pull her out of the obscurity
Calleigh opened her eyes. The first thing that hit her like a ricochet of a bullet was her pounding headache. The pain surrounding her temples returned as she freed herself from unconsciousness. She heard different noises and noticed a light flickering before her eyes. She peered at the television set in front of her. Frowning, she tried to drown out the noise. She brushed her forehead with the palm of her hand, soothing strands of her loose hair behind her ear. She'd fallen asleep on her couch again. It happened on the nights when she pretended to be happy, when in really, she was lying to herself. What was she going to do now? The answer came quickly: wait. She shifted on the couch, turning to face the back of her comfortable resting spot. She refused to go to bed, hoping and wishing he'd return.
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He felt utterly comfortable in her home. It wasn't even surprising because Calleigh was his touchstone. His raison d'être. It was that feeling that brought him back to reality. When he was lost, Calleigh would find him. He found his way to her.
She greeted his sad eyes with a frown. "What are you doing here?" She was falling on her knees. Was there anything more painful than watching a grown man cry? It made her see him with even more admiration because only a strong person could show vulnerability. His heart on his sleeve, the redness surrounding his eyes and the tears streaming down his face were enough to make her wilt like a flower that lost her sunlight. It's a societal truth; women are allowed to be sentimental and are expected to be. On the contrary, men aren't and yet if their emotional cord is struck hard enough, they can falter in the most genuine way. Through their sorrow, the purest sadness echoes.
She was mesmerized watching him. Those adorable freckles, those piercing blue eyes, those desirable lips... her gaze focused on his features. It was incredible. She couldn't resist looking him in the eye. In her mind, she remembered the time when he'd noticed her watchful eye and stared her down. She gave in immediately and looked away. They both knew she had been staring and there was no need to bring it up. He loved her so much. Loved everything about her.
"We're right for each other." He looked her straight in the eyes and waited. Waited for her to realize the feelings she'd stirred within him. He was gazing so intently that she felt like he could see through her soul. Now, she was the one who was scared. She laughed inwardly at the ridiculous irony.
"You're meant for me," he ventured to prove that he meant it. She was burning. Burning with love. Nothing could stop her from pulling him into a long embrace, sealing their love with kisses. She'd never felt this happy.
Calleigh was finally entirely and irrefutably certain that Horatio had feelings for her. The same feelings she possessed in the depths of her heart.
THE END
"She will run
She's gonna drink the sun
Shinning
just for you
Instead of everyone..."
-Natalie Imbruglia