Disclaimer: Why is this necessary? See, I've been thinking…even if Berman was going to show up on my door, how would he know which door to go to? I mean, how many fifteen-year-old girls are there in California? And if he can't find me, how's the copyright people gonna find me? Let's be rational here…oh wait, who wants to be rational?
I don't own Star Trek.
Stargazer: So glad you like the title, I thought it was rather clever myself. (no ego here) About the turbolift…slight confession. I don't actually have the power to stick you in a turbolift with Spock. I mean really, if I could get anybody into one of the Enterprise's turbolifts, with or without Spock, do you think I'd still be at this computer? Nope!
EmpressLeia: Ditto! Sorry about the turbolift. That would have been a good line. Now why didn't I think of that?
Meredith: Have you noticed how random you're getting in your reviews? I worry about you…j/k. The karaoke night would go nicely with the meeting the old friend in a bar…must consider all this carefully. And sure you serve a purpose…you write amusing reviews!
Saphrie: Oh dear. I've hooked another one. Do try to maintain some semblance of sanity, unlike the rest of us, including and mostly myself. And I always pay attention to ramblings! Ramblings are fun! Do you think I'd be responding to Meredith otherwise…kidding, only kidding. Not a bad idea, meeting themselves. Must consider that too.
Happy birthday to Gene Roddenberry! (August nineteenth) If not for him I never would've gotten hooked on Star Trek to begin with. (I'm not obsessed…)
As this is fiction, any resemblance to people living or dead is a complete coincidence. Any resemblance to the airport in my town is completely deliberate, as they are kind enough to warn you about stepping forward at the top of the escalators, and maintaining control of your baggage.
So…how would our gallant captain and his comrades react to the airport? It's not pretty. Funny, I hope, but not pretty.
Part Thirteen:
Into an Airport
The Enterprise has at last reached that "primitive" planet they've been traveling to. Its name is Borelia II:
"Captain, we have arrived," Spock informed Kirk.
"Great. We can get on with this oh-so exciting mission," Kirk said. He was anticipating boredom. Checking out a planet just like Earth a couple centuries ago was not his idea of a vital mission. "And what an exciting mission it will be! Studying the travel capabilities of the natives. I was just looking into ancient travel possibilities yesterday," Kirk added sarcastically.
"I think it may be interesting to some degree," Spock said calmly. "It could be a fascinating experience to take a standard trip aboard one of their airplanes."
"I'm glad you feel that way," Kirk said sourly.
"We had best be beaming down shortly. Starfleet obtained tickets already, and while it was planned we would arrive several days before our flight, our detour to the Guardian of Forever has left us little excess time."
"How much time have we got anyway?" Kirk asked idly, wondering how long he could delay the start of this mission.
"Three-point-two hours."
Okay, delay was pretty much out of the question. Kirk stood up. "Let's go then. Might as well get it over with. How many tickets have we got?"
"Four."
"Fine. You, me, Bones, and…well, we'll snag a security guard for the fourth seat."
* * *
An hour later, they were nearly ready to go. Fortunately, Borelians looked just exactly like humans. (So many species do.) So the main thing was to outfit the party correctly, which was fairly simple. Everyone had jeans and cotton shirts of various colors and patterns. The security guard, Ensign Jones, had a particularly vivid scarlet shirt.
That left them one problem; actually two: Spock's ears. They had to hide the points somehow, and the question was how. First they tried a device called a "baseball cap."
"I don't know, Spock," McCoy said, studying the hat. "I don't think it does anything for your profile."
Spock simply looked at him. "The issue is not my profile but my ears, Doctor."
"It doesn't hide the ears either."
Next they considered a turban, which was fairly effective, but they were concerned it might stand out somewhat in the country they were going to.
"We need earmuffs," Kirk said. "That would hide his ears."
"It's summer where we're going," McCoy pointed out.
"So what? Maybe he has a head cold."
"Nah, what we want are headphones," McCoy said.
"Headphones?"
"Sure. They work like earmuffs only they transmit music, so anybody can wear them any time."
"Sounds okay. How do you know about this anyway, Bones?"
McCoy shrugged. "I did some reading up on it yesterday. Primitive cultures are sort of interesting in the abstract. Now let's find some headphones…"
And so, when they went to the transporter room they were thoroughly outfitted in period clothes, were carrying several bags, and Spock was listening to rock music.
* * *
They beamed down outside the airport, and walked in with everyone else. That's when they ran into their first piece of trouble.
"Excuse me! Sir!" a porter called after them from a counter near the entrance.
The group looked at each other, shrugged, and walked back to the counter. "Is there a problem?" Kirk asked.
"You can't take those two big bags onto the plane," the porter explained.
"Oh. So…what do we do with them?" Kirk asked in genuine bewilderment.
The porter blinked. How could anyone be so completely lacking in knowledge regarding plane flights? "You check them at the counter," he said, slowly and carefully.
"Does everyone do that?"
"Yeah…"
"Okay, we'll do that then."
With careful, if nervous, directions from the porter, they successfully checked their two largest bags, opting to carry one smaller bag apiece, after ascertaining that "everyone" did that.
"Something strange about those people," the porter commented to a coworker as the people in question continued towards the escalators.
"Tourists," the other man said dismissively.
"That went well," Kirk commented to McCoy, who seemed less certain.
"We probably should have known about checking the bags," McCoy said worriedly. "I missed that part reading."
"I'm sure it's fine. Now, we're supposed to find are 'gate.'"
"I think gates are upstairs," McCoy said. "The computer had a map of the airport. Not a very good one, but I'm pretty sure gates are upstairs."
"So how do we get upstairs?"
"Presumably we find stairs, Jim," McCoy said dryly.
"No turbolifts? These people are backwards."
"Those look like stairs over there," Jones volunteered, pointing.
Approaching the stairs presented a bit of uncertainty though.
"Those things are moving!" Kirk said, surprised.
"I think they're supposed to do that," McCoy said uncertainly.
"Ohh. So we just…step on?"
"I guess so."
Despite misgivings, Kirk managed to get on the escalator, followed by Spock, McCoy and Jones. "This isn't so bad," Kirk said, riding upwards. "One question though: How do we get off?"
He needn't have bothered asking. A recorded voice over the speakers said pleasantly again and again: "At the top of the escalators, please step forward. At the top of the escalators, please step forward. At the top of the escalators…"
At the top of the escalators, Kirk stepped forward, and found himself on solid ground again. Unfortunately, he didn't take into account the fact that three people were coming up behind him, and he stepped forward once. Only once.
Spock, carried by momentum and the step he was on, crashed straight into Kirk. McCoy tried to avoid doing similar by stepping backwards and bumped into Jones, whose balance was none too good under the best of circumstances, and who would have gone tumbling head over heels backwards down the escalator if McCoy hadn't grabbed his arm. By the time McCoy and Jones straightened themselves out the escalator had carried them up to the top again, where Spock was just getting back to his feet. McCoy collided into Spock, who tripped over Kirk. Jones rammed into McCoy who'd managed to stay more or less upright, and sent him flying over Spock and Kirk both. After that things became decidedly muddled, and somehow or other Jones managed to get to the bottom of a pile-up that would have done the NFL credit.
If more people had been coming up the escalator they may never have untangled themselves. Fortunately, they were the only ones on the escalator at the time, and after some effort they managed to get back on their feet.
Overhead, the recorded message placidly continued, "At the top of the escalator, please step forward. At the top of the escalator…"
"Dangerous contraption," Jones muttered, glaring at the escalators.
"Everyone all right?" Kirk asked.
"Nothing major, just a broken leg, thanks for asking," McCoy muttered.
"You okay, Spock?"
"Physically I am fine, Captain. Unfortunately, I missed part of the song I was listening to."
Everyone being in basically good condition, they continued on into the airport. Next they came to the metal detectors, which they passed through without mishap, thanks to a clever device of Scotty's. The device prevented the metal detector from detecting their communicators, tricorders, phasers, universal translators, and, of course, the device itself.
The speakers were back in operation by the terminals, proclaiming the message, "Maintain control of your personal belongings at all times." [A/N: Exact quote from my airport. I started writing this while waiting for the plane.]
"Oh, right. Like our baggage is going to get out of control," McCoy commented.
"I doubt they meant it quite that way," Kirk said, amused.
"You never can tell," Jones said grimly.
"We better locate our gate and find out when our plane's taking off," Kirk said briskly.
They set off to do so, no one taking particular care to control their bags.
Definitely not the end. Only the beginning, actually. Next chapter will be a bit…crazier. Stay tuned! And, of course, review!