Disclaimer: For the sixteenth time, I don't own Star Trek.  I'm sure you're all very surprised.  I also can't take credit for the title or premise, as they were suggested by Starseeker, thank you very much.  Also the scene between Spock and McCoy regarding the pursuit of feral brante leucopsis.  Much of the general insanity, however, is mine.

Lots of reviews equals lots of notes, so here we go:

Hanakina: A cat named Spock…heehee, a little odd, yes.

Meredith and Charmega: Congrats, so a few more people knew the trivia.  You're late, but I'm still impressed.  ^_^  Thanks for the suggestions also, strange as they may be.  :)

Keridwen: Just to clarify, I don't actually know much about Shatner.  I just happened to have seen that Twilight Zone.  More chapters would be nice…I'm hardly in a position to complain about lack of posting though, am I?

Starseeker: Thanks for the suggestion, I said that though.  Inspired?  Really?  Cool.

Trekker-t: Well that would explain it, thank you.

EmpressLeia: I guess there was nowhere else it could go…heheh, glad you liked.

And now the story.  Which really is about a goose.

Chapter Seventeen:

In Pursuit of Feral Brante Leucopsis

The Enterprise is currently involved in a public-relations junket, ferrying Ambassador Bilden to neighboring world Gospen.  After getting the ambassador and his many bags and attendants aboard, everyone returns to their jobs.  A peaceful trip, however, is not to be:

Kirk came sprinting into Sickbay at full speed.  The doors shut behind him and he leaned against them, looking stunned.  Also looking like he'd been in a rather rough fight, his shirt ripped across one shoulder.  McCoy watched him in some concern.

"You all right, Jim?" he asked, frowning.

Kirk glanced at him, still appearing rather shaken.  "Bones."  It was a statement.

McCoy's frown deepened.  "Yes, Jim."  He hoped Kirk's next words would offer explanations.  They didn't.

"Goose."

"Uhhh…"

Kirk gestured vaguely over his shoulder.  "There's a goose.  Loose.  In the corridors."  He glanced at the rip in his shirt.  "And it's vicious too."

If McCoy had been concerned before, that was nothing compared to now.  "So…a vicious goose ripped your shirt."

"That about sums it up," Kirk agreed.

"Jim, we need to talk," McCoy said meaningfully.

Kirk was rapidly recovering from the shock of being attacked by a goose in the corridors of his own ship.  And it didn't take telepathy to figure out what McCoy was thinking.  "I'm not crazy, Bones."

"Who said you were crazy?" McCoy asked, a bit too innocently.

"There really is a goose.  Loose.  In the corridors."

"Sure, Jim.  We get wild geese around here all the time."

"Wait a minute, I'll prove it to you.  It's got to be around here somewhere, it was after me before…"

The Sickbay doors opened.  The corridor was empty.  Kirk and McCoy looked around.  Nothing.

"Just wait a minute," Kirk said.

"Right…"

In the distance was the sound of pounding footsteps.  They grew louder as they came closer.  Soon, a frantically running man in a red-shirt sped past.

"GOOSE!" Jones shrieked.

"Honk!  Honk!"  A goose flapped past, flying after Jones.

Kirk and McCoy stepped back, and the doors shut.  McCoy seemed somewhat stunned.

"There is a goose.  Loose.  In the corridors!"

"I told you."

"Next time you tell me there's a goose loose in the corridors, I promise to believe you," McCoy vowed.

"Thanks, I appreciate that."

"Any time."

"Right now though, we have to deal with the present goose.  I mean, crisis."

McCoy frowned.  "What are you going to do, Jim?"

"I am going to fight the goose!  Last time it came up behind me and caught me by surprise, but now I'm ready!"

"Maybe we should call security."

"No.  This is my job.  My ship.  My fight.  My goose!"

Kirk picked up his phaser, and stormed out the door.

*  *  *

Kirk prowled the corridors, phaser ready.  Somewhere on his ship there was a goose.  Loose.  In the corridors.  And he was going to find it.  Soon he came to a corridor that intersected the one he was currently in.  He paused to consider, wondering which direction to go.  To the right, he heard footsteps.  He waited.

Soon, Ensign Jones came into view, running madly down the length of the corridor.

"Loose goose!" Jones hollered, running by.

The goose flew after him.  Kirk raised his phaser, took aim, and pressed the trigger.

"Don't shoot!" someone bellowed from behind him.

Kirk jerked his arm upwards, and the phaser blew a hole into the ceiling, giving view to the deck above.  Kirk looked at that hole unhappily.

"Scotty is going to have my head for this," he muttered, then turned to see who had interrupted him.

It was Ambassador Bilden.

"Ambassador.  I was—"

The ambassador was shaking with fury.  "You were firing at The Goose!" 

The goose, by the way, was long gone.  Presumably still chasing Jones.

"The goose was—"

"The Geese are sacred!"

Kirk blinked, a few things becoming clear.  "This is your goose?"

"Of course!  The Goose was brought aboard with us!"

Kirk felt his temper fraying.  "Well now it's loose.  In the my corridors.  Terrorizing my crew!"

Ambassador Bilden nodded, apparently unaware that it was a bad idea to get Kirk mad at him.  "Yes, it unfortunately escaped the quarters assigned to my party."

"Unfortunately," Kirk agreed, not altogether pleasantly.  "And I can't just let it run, er, fly wild!"

"Of course not.  But you must not harm The Sacred Goose!"

"Then what do you propose I do?!"

"You must capture The Goose, so he can be returned to his place of honor in our rooms.  But you must not harm The Goose!"

Kirk had a suspicion this was going to be a long day.

*  *  *

"The goose is sacred?" McCoy said in quite a bit of consternation.

"The goose is sacred," Kirk confirmed.  "It's also a menace that must be stopped."

Kirk, for lack of a better idea, had called a department heads meeting, to determine what to do about the geese.  Consequently, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura were gathered around the briefing room table.  Being briefed.

"The obvious question which arises is: how shall we deal with the goose-situation?" Spock asked.  How he said 'goose-situation' with a straight face is one of the wonders of Vulcan-hood.

"Who cares about the goose?" Scotty muttered balefully.  "When ye consider what was done to me ship!"

Kirk sighed.  "Scotty, I told you.  It was the goose or the ceiling."

"Well it shoulda been the goose!  Sacred goose, hah!  Do ye have any idea how long it'll take me to fix that hole?"  He shook his head muttering, "No respect, none whatsoever."

"I respect the Enterprise!  I just try not to shoot at something when someone's hollering 'don't shoot' at me!"

"Perhaps if we could set aside the issue of the ceiling for the moment and return to the matter of the goose, we would make better progress," Spock said smoothly.

"Oh.  Right."  Kirk considered.  "We can't hurt the goose, but it's a menace, so we have to stop it.  Which means, we aren't fighting a wild goose, we're now chasing a wild goose.  We'll need to organize—"

He was interrupted by a whistle from the comm unit.  Nurse Chapel's voice came over the line.  "Sickbay to Dr. McCoy, medical emergency."

McCoy flipped the comm switch.  "What's the problem, Chris?"

"A crewmember just came in with goose-bites," she explained.

"Do geese have teeth?" McCoy asked.

"Well goose-nips then.  Whatever they are, they're definitely goose-inflicted."

"All right, I'll be right down."  McCoy stood.  "I trust you can carry on without me.  After all, I'm a doctor, not a zoologist."

*  *  *

Shortly later in Sickbay, McCoy was dealing with Ensign Jones, who was indeed suffering from goose-inflicted injuries.

"I tell you, it's wacko!  Wacko!" Jones jabbered.  "There I was, walking along, minding my own business.  And suddenly there was a goose!  Loose!  In the corridor!  And it chased me!"

"Yes, Ensign."

"Next thing I knew, I was running frantically down the corridor, with the goose in pursuit.  And that Ambassador has the nerve to holler at me about not harming the goose!"

"Yes, Ensign."

"Sacred geese!"  Jones went off on a wild spurt of laughter.  "Geese!  Sacred!" He continued laughing wildly.

McCoy eyed him for a moment, then injected a hypo into his arm.  Jones calmed noticeably.

"The Captain doesn't know what he's up against!" Jones said fervently.  "They're going to be chasing that goose all over the corridors.  And they'll never catch it!  Because it is a thing of evil!"  Okay, so he wasn't much calmer.

"Well, I think you're all patched up, Ensign."

"Thanks.  I have to return to my post, to fight the goose, though I know the battle is hopeless!"

Jones strode out the doors, McCoy watching him leave.

McCoy shook his head.  "I need to find time to look at his pysch file."

*  *  *

War was being waged in the corridors.  It was man versus goose.  Goose was winning.

They had divided into groups, and were ranging throughout the ship, searching for the bird.  Occasionally a group came upon the goose, and then a wild chase ensued.  The Starfleet officers were badly hampered by their inability to use their phasers (for phasers would harm the sacred goose).  Hand to hand combat with a goose is not an easy ting.  Especially when the goose bites.  And flies.

Down in Sickbay, McCoy was kept rather busy dealing with crewmembers suffering from goose-injuries.  After a time though, he concluded it would be more efficient (efficient, mind you, not logical) to send the staff out into the corridors to deal with the wounded there, rather than having everyone traipse down to Sickbay.  Saved time and kept the feathers out in the corridors.  The downside was that it left him, McCoy out of the loop in Sickbay, regarding the progress of the goose-fight.  Such was not to remain the case for long.

*  *  *

Spock was engaged in chasing the goose, as was nearly everyone else.  As he passed Sickbay, he paused to consider.  He had a felling—correction.  Logically, he felt—correction again.  He decided that, logically, it might be wise to stop and inform the Doctor of their progress.  Or (to be strictly accurate) lack thereof.  Dr. McCoy would no doubt become somewhat annoyed if he was not kept apprised of the situation, and that was not a positive thing.  Therefore, Spock stopped into Sickbay.

*  *  *

"So the goose is giving Jim a real run for his money, eh?" McCoy commented.

Spock looked at him quizzically.

"They're having trouble catching the goose," McCoy explained patiently, forestalling any comments regarding the Captain's lack of money invested in the situation.

"That is correct.  The Ambassador is most displeased."

"Well then why doesn't the ambassador capture his own goose?"

Spock considered.  "All things being equal, that would be logical.  However, the Ambassador claims he lacks sufficient men."

McCoy tried to decide if Spock had just said he was being logical.  He came up with a tentative yes, but concluded it would be far too easy for Spock to deny everything if he brought it up.  "So we're stuck trying to catch the goose.  Without success."

"Yes.  The situation reminds me of a particular Earth saying involving the pursuit of feral branta leucopsis."

"The what?"

There was a faint sigh.  "A wild goose chase, Doctor."

McCoy rolled his eyes.  "Now why couldn't you say that to begin with?"

"I believe I did say that, if perhaps not in those exact words.  Simply because you fail to—"

"Oh forget it!"  McCoy took a deep breath.  The last two times he'd lost his temper with Spock had not gone well.  "You were saying it reminded you of a wild goose chase."

"Yes."

"It is a wild goose chase!"

"That is undoubtedly why I was reminded of it."

McCoy moaned.  "Spock…go chase a wild goose."

Spock frowned imperceptibly.  "Doctor, perhaps I am misunderstanding your syntax."

"Go chase the goose and get out my sight before I do something we'll both regret!"

"Ah.  It seems I was correct in your syntax.  I will be leaving then."

Spock exited Sickbay, musing over the conversation.  His stop in Sickbay had clearly failed to have the intended result.  Further proof that attempting to understand Dr. McCoy was a most illogical endeavor.

*  *  *

McCoy's next visitor proved equally aggravating, though…rather different than Spock.  McCoy was in the back room when he heard the doors woosh open.

"I'll be with you in a min—"

"Honk!"

McCoy's eyes widened.  Either a crewmember with a really bad cold had come in, or…  He peered cautiously into the outer room.  It wasn't a crewmember.  It was the goose.

"Oh, wonderful!"

The goose spotted him in the doorway, and charged.  Or rather, flew straight at his head.  McCoy did the only sensible thing under the circumstances, and ducked.  The goose flew overhead, made a sharp u-turn, and flew back into the outer room, where it commenced flapping about wildly.

McCoy watched it nervously.  It was bound to fly into something soon, and what a mess that would make!  Even so, he wasn't too keen on tackling the goose himself.  Clearly, reinforcements were necessary.  He moved over to the comm unit in the back room and called Kirk.

"Jim?  About the goose.  It's—"

"Still loose in the corridors, I know.  We'll have it soon."  Kirk sounded frustrated.  "If the ambassador would just stop shouting about sacred geese—"

"Jim," McCoy interrupted.  "It's not loose in the corridors.  It's loose in Sickbay."

There was a pause on the other end of the line as Kirk took this in.  During that pause there was a rather loud crashing noise from the outer room.  McCoy winced.

"We'll be right down," Kirk said after a moment.  "Kirk out."

McCoy cautiously walked back to the doorway to the outer room.  He looked out.  The goose had successfully knocked quite a bit of equipment to the floor.  Nothing looked broken, but…and the goose was still flying, who knew what it would hit next. Despite all that, McCoy was willing to leave it to its own devices until Kirk and the security guards could arrive on the scene.  The goose was quite vicious, and how was he supposed to single-handedly catch it anyway?

However, Sickbay's only other inhabitant had, by this time, discovered there was a bird flying around, and found this most fascinating.

McCoy noticed the black cat crouched just beyond the doorway.  "Sarek, you are not going to attack that bird."

"Mrrrow…"  The thrill of the hunt was clear in Sarek's eyes.

"Yes, I know cats chase birds.  But cats chase sparrows, not geese!"

Sarek started to move forward towards the goose.

"Sarek, you listen to me!"

Sarek wasn't listening.

*  *  *

Kirk and several red-shirts, er, security guards, arrived on the scene a few minutes later.  They didn't appear to be needed though.  Janitors, now, janitors were needed.  Feathers and fallen equipment were scattered pretty much everywhere.  The goose, however, while still honking madly, was wrapped up in a blanket from one of the biobeds.  Sarek was standing guard over it, looking very smug.  McCoy was replicating tuna.

"Oh hi, Jim, about time you got here," McCoy said cheerfully.

"We were on the other side of the ship…"  Kirk was staring at the goose.  "I guess we can declare the goose-crisis past."

"It looks that way," McCoy agreed.

"Well.  Nice work, Bones."

"Actually, it wasn't me," McCoy admitted.  "It was Sarek."

Kirk blinked.  "The cat?"

"No, the Vulcan philosopher.  Of course the cat!  Cats chase birds, you know."

"Yeah, but geese?"

McCoy shrugged, ignoring the fact that he'd had pretty much the same thoughts earlier.  "He cornered the goose somehow anyway.  After that it was easy for me to tackle him and wrap him up."

"So the cat caught the goose."

"I'd like to see a tribble do that!" McCoy said smugly.

Oh I enjoyed writing this!  I hope you enjoyed reading it.  And do be so good as to review.  ^_^

In case you're wondering, the ambassador was a bit miffed, but concluded The Sacred Goose had not been harmed, and so he was dropped off on Gospen without further incident. 

Next chapter will be up on Friday, barring radical changes in my plans.  You want a hint regarding the topic, consider the day it's being posted.  Heeheehee…

Now go write a review.