By Aleda Gildeth
Disclaimer: You know they're not mine because the episode probably won't happen like this at all. L
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Romance
Spoilers : The rumor that T'Pol might be addicted to Trellium-D. …Wow. The producers went off the deep end with this one!
Author's Note: I wrote this on Friday night, before I had a chance to see anyone elses. I purposely haven't read the others written by other authors yet, so if there's any parallels in here to anyone else's fic (other than our favorite couple getting together, which I imagine is in all of them), I swear it's a coincidence.
Aftermath
From his command chair in the center of the bridge, Captain Archer glanced at his first officer out of the corner of his eye. She sat at her station, as straight-backed as ever, her eyes glued to the screen in front of her.
Archer wondered briefly if there were actually any readings on the screen, or if she was just pressing buttons to look busy so she'd have an excuse not to meet eyes with anyone.
He felt embarassed for her. It was bad enough that she had broken down in front of the entire bridge crew, that it had taken a week for her to get over the worst of the withdrawl, that the entire ship, during her notable absence, had found out about her addiction to Trellium-D. He couldn't imagine what it felt like to sit in that chair now, having to face everyone.
Well, not quite everyone. Trip was down in Engineering.
It was Trip who had been the first to realize there was something wrong. He'd tried to tell Archer, but couldn't convince him to order T'Pol to undergo a physical when she'd refused to do so voluntarily, claiming his concerns to be baseless. Trip had almost begged her, the captain remembered, to go to sickbay, to tell him what was wrong. She'd continued to say it was nothing and turn it around on him.
He should have known something was wrong when he had seen the desperate worry on the engineer's face as she'd left the ready room.
It had been Trip's arms into which she'd finally collapsed, weeping, when everyone else had been too shocked to touch her. He'd taken her to sickbay, the stunned captain following mutely behind, where after a couple scans revealing the Trellium-D in her system she had confessed to her addiction. No sooner had the words left her mouth than Trip had gone and gathered all the Trellium-D from storage and her quarters and beamed it out into space.
How had Trip known something was wrong? Archer had wondered. How had he known when he himself had seen nothing?
It was the look on Trip's face as T'Pol had admitted everything that kept playing through Archer's mind. He had looked pained, hurting... and hurt. He hadn't returned to sickbay.
It didn't take long for Archer to find out why. Within two days he'd heard the stories about the neuropressure, the mysterious hours spent with one another at night, the rumored romantic involvement. When he'd asked, Malcolm had dutifully confirmed all but the last.
When pressed further, the security chief hadn't been able to deny it either, though, and Archer hadn't been able to deny to himself the pangs of jealousy that had risen just at the thought.
He hadn't seen Trip and T'Pol in the same room since.
The doctor had discovered that T'Pol's addiction had been caused by an effect they hadn't been able to distinguish from her physiological reactions during her initial exposure: Trellium-D was also a stimulant. She'd started taking it in small amounts when Trip had been fatally injured, when he'd created the sim, she'd quietly told him later, and when he thought back to that time he couldn't remember her sleeping or resting once the entire five days. It would be worth the risk, she'd thought then. She hadn't expected the addiction would be so strong afterwards.
She'd been too embarrassed at first to admit what she'd done. And then too hooked to care.
After days of shaking and throwing up, then sleeping for hours on end, Phlox had finally cleared her for duty. It would take a couple weeks, he'd said, for her to feel completely normal again and not feel constantly exhausted, but she shouldn't have any problems controlling her emotions.
He'd said she'd asked for Trip every single day.
Trip had asked Archer about her each morning. Dark circles grew under his eyes, even when she'd begun to improve. But after learning how she was, he wouldn't bring her up again or talk about her.
He'd never gone to her once.
Archer didn't know who to be more worried about now that T'Pol had been released: his first officer, or the cheif engineer.
The doors to the turbolift opened, and Archer turned to see Trip enter onto the bridge. "Morning, Trip," the captain greeted cheerfully; the commander gave no response as he came around to Archer, not acknowledging anyone else on the bridge. The dark circles had almost disappeared. He must have gotten some sleep, once he'd heard T'Pol had been released, Archer thought. But he was still unusually quiet.
"Here's the report on the engine specs," he said in monotone, handing the captain a PADD.
"Thanks." Trip nodded, and began heading for the exit. You aren't going to hang around for a little while?" Archer asked, turning in this seat to look at Trip, who shook his head.
"I've got stuff to do in Engineering," he answered.
From her station, T'Pol watched him, waivering. She needed to talk to him, to explain, but after everything she'd already done, should she really do it now, in front of everyone?
She stood. It didn't matter anymore what they thought of her. She didn't care. Almost jogging to catch up, she implored him quietly, "Wait." She could feel everyone watching her. He didn't stop. "Talk to me. Look at me, please." He stepped down into the situation room, heading for the door; she grabbed his arm and he froze at the bottom of the steps.
She dropped his arm, unsure now if she had done the right thing. He turned slowly and looked up at her, a couple inches below her. "How can I?" His voice was strained, his words almost a whisper. "I don't even know who you are."
For all her control, the words still cut her. He could see it on her face. But he felt nothing but his own pain.
"I didn't do this to hurt you."
"But you did." He swallowed hard. She didn't move, frozen to the spot. He knew everyone could hear them. He was beyond caring. This would be the rumor to end all rumors. "Who was the woman I came to know all those nights? Who I talked to, who I trusted? I waited for those nights, T'Pol..."
"That doesn't have to change - "
"I made love to you T'Pol!" He couldn't stop from blurting it out, stepping up onto the step between them, closer to her. "I loved you..." He started reaching out to touch her face, but stopped himself, pulling back bitterly. "At least I thought I did. Now I don't know who that was."
Words deserted her. They stared at each other for several long moments, until, in a trembling voice, she said the only thing she could think of left to say. "I'm sorry."
He looked at her, a strange calm settling over him as he replied, "So am I."
The finality of his words stole the air from the room. Without looking back, he turned and left the bridge.
Archer sat in his chair, from where he had witnessed the entire exchange, holding his breath.
So it was all true.
He loved her.
Somehow, the thought provoked no jealousy.
Because she was shaking.
Phlox had cleared her, promixing she could expect normal control over her emotions. So why was she shaking? What emotions could be that strong, that even now she could not win over them?
She loved him, he realized. Beyond control.
He had no room here, between them. All these months he never had.
Without turning to face them, she hung her head and asked with voice thick, "Permission to leave the bridge."
"Only if you're going to Engineering," he answered firmly.
She spun around to look at him in surprise. "Captain?"
"Go after him. You've got one chance to make this right. Go."
"There's nothing I could say now - "
"Tell him everything, T'Pol. *Everything.*" She looked at him, wanting to believe him. "Go," he urged.
If he was telling the truth, if there was a chance... Swallowing, she nodded and stepped into the turbolift.
**********************
An ensign in Engineering directed her to an access tube in the bowels of the ship. Climbing down a shaft, she found him in a junction fixing some wiring. He glanced up, meeting her eyes briefly, and looked away without speaking, continuing his work.
T'Pol stepped off the ladderand approached him, coming to stand at his shoulder. "You don't have to talk to me, just listen for a minute," she said quietly. He didn't acknowledge her, so she plunged ahead. "I didn't start using the Trellium-D until you were injured in the engine test a few months ago. ...I was trying to run engineering and get all hte repairs completed adn find a way out of the feild before- ...I couldn't loose you. I had to take the risk." He paused a heartbeat, but started again fusing wires together without looking up or speaking. "The woman Sim said he had feelings for - the woman you said you fell in love with - I had never used the Trellium-D before then. That was me entirely."
He turned to her finally, but angrily now, spinning to face her. "And the night we made love T'Pol? Who was that?" he snapped. Angry, pained tears brimmed in his eyes. "I have never wanted anyone so badly as I wanted you. As I still love you. But how can I trust you now?"
She took a deep breath. "...I hadn't used any Trellium-D that night, or that day. I swear to you."
"How can I believe you?"
She felt lost for an answer. Disappointment washed over his face, and he turned away from her, back to the wires, expecting, wanting, her to leave.
But the answer came to her then, and she stepped between him and his work. "You want to know how you can believe me?" she asked, and without waiting for a reply pressed her lips against his, long and hard, tasting them and savoring them passionately, the way she had when they had made love; and he couldn't stop himself from kissing her back fiercely, thirst for her. The tools he was holding clattered to the floor, and he pushed her back against the wall, pressing himself into her, deepening the kiss as she opened her mouth to him.
"Do you believe me now?" she murmured, as they came up gasping for air.
His next kiss was all the answer she needed.