Disclaimer: Well, I've been thinking about that. And if you look at it right, the question at hand isn't whether I own Star Trek or not, but whether I'm using Star Trek in violation of all copyright laws and without the permission of Paramount. And my answer is…I refuse to answer that. I'm an American citizen! I know my rights! Fifth amendment! I refuse to state whether or not I own Star Trek on the grounds that it may incriminate me! So THERE!
Lt. Vulcan: Really? That's where your bookmark is? I'm honored. Also flattered. Also pleased that your sister isn't dead. (Under the Fifth Amendment, I also refuse to discuss my exact involvement in the deaths of any of my readers.)
Ruanek: That was a cliffhanger? Well, if it makes you happy…
Sonar: Uh…attack of the Trekkie fans…? Whaaa…? Um, run, Chekov, RUN!
Rihannsu: Put harddrive together? Yeek.
Trekker-T: Hmm…Spock vs. Harry at chess. Y'know what'd happen there? Twenty moves or less, Spock would have Harry in check. Then Harry would 'accidentally' knock the board over. Assuming Harry didn't cheat right from the start.
Emp: Well…he kinda saved the day. It was a very red-shirty way to do it though. I appreciate the difficulties in getting on FF at school. Happens to me all the time. Everybody wants to know what's funny, and if you try to explain it they just don't get it.
Keridwen: Who, me? Get out of everyone's league? Me? [long laugh] I'm flattered you think so though…um, just checking, do you read the stories you post? Me, out of league? Hah.
That covers all the notes I believe. You keep reviewing, I keep writing notes, that's just how it works. =)
I am SOOO sorry it took me forever to post this time, I've got another story up, go read it. BUT, I WILL keep up with "React" and, hey, I'm still on the first page of FF, so that's not SO bad. Anyway, new chapter up now (you knew that though, didn't you?)
And it's that time again. Yes, our dear characters are on FF once more. They read the following stories:
Primarily:
"The Real McCoy" by Rihannsu; currently 17 chapters
"Everyone Goes Nuts" by me; currently 2 chapters
"Mount Olympus" by Charmega; currently 5 chapters
Also references to:
"Henoch's Revenge" also by Charmega
"Shade" also by Rihannsu
"Best Laid Plans" also also by Rihannsu
(How I wound up referring to things by only two people I really couldn't say, it just kinda happened.)
Okay, the actual story commences here:
Chapter Twenty-Three:
Surfing the Net
The day following the incarceration of Harry Mudd, Kirk went missing. Not really missing, although that does happen frequently enough. It was just that he wasn't on the bridge or in his quarters, and McCoy got to wondering where he was. Asking Spock offered nothing of use, except another person interested in looking. They eventually found Kirk down in Rec Room Three:
"So there you are!" McCoy said.
Kirk looked up from the computer screen he'd been looking at. "Something wrong with being here?"
McCoy shrugged, and took a seat on Kirk's right, while Spock sat down on Kirk's left. "Nothing wrong with it," McCoy said. "Spock and I've been looking for you is all."
"Oh. Well, I've been down here for a while. Figured now that Harry's in the brig, I can relax a little."
McCoy blinked. "Say that again."
"Now that Harry's in the brig I can relax—"
McCoy shook his head. "Astounding. Absolutely astounding. Spock, remind me to make a note in my log. This is a historic day."
Kirk sighed, having caught on by now. Spock was still somewhat in the dark.
"As far as I know, Doctor, nothing of particular significance to history has occurred today."
"Jim's relaxing! Voluntarily! It's inconceivable!"
"All right, Bones. That's enough."
"Well you have to admit, you don't do this often," McCoy pointed out.
Kirk objected. "I went on shore leave only three days ago."
"After I coerced you into it," McCoy countered.
"Fascinating," Spock commented.
They looked at him. "What is?" Kirk asked.
"The first instance of this topic between you two that I can recall occurred 3.2 years ago. It has continued at varying intervals since, virtually without change, which seems to indicate it lacks any productive purpose. I find this fascinating, or at the very least interesting."
"He remembers the first time you berated me about relaxing," Kirk said faintly. "I don't remember the first time!"
"Jim, this is Spock," McCoy reminded him.
Kirk nodded. "That would explain it."
Spock decided to refrain from asking how the fact of his being himself, a fact the Captain knew well, could possibly explain anything.
"Well, never mind. Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?"
"A gift horse?" Spock asked.
"Yes, Spock. A gift horse," McCoy said. "So what are you doing anyway, Jim?"
"Not much. Surfing. On the internet," he added, forestalling any comments from Spock regarding the necessity of water to surf.
McCoy frowned suddenly. "Jim, you're not on that site again, are you?" He leaned over and looked at the computer screen. He groaned. "You are on that site."
"You mean Fanfiction.net? Yeah, I decided to come back on here. There were some good stories."
"Why, Jim? Why are you on here again?"
"I said, good—"
"Apart from the general eeriness of that story that actually knew what was happening, this is not a good site for you! All that happens is you get upset because people keep killing you, and then you start sobbing—"
Kirk was offended. "Me? Sob? I do not sob! Perhaps I become…a bit choked-up, but sob…"
"Should we look at that story again? The React one? We'll just see if you were sobbing!"
"I don't think that's necessary," Kirk said quickly.
"Hmph. Seriously though, Jim, you really ought to stay off this site."
"There is no logic in reading stories which only upset you," Spock noted.
"So I'm an illogical human. What else is new?" Kirk asked.
"That is not new," Spock said calmly.
"Fine," McCoy said. "Read the stories. Throw fits about your death scenes. I'm leaving." McCoy stood up.
"Well, if you insist, Bones. Too bad though, I was just about to read one called 'The Real McCoy,'" Kirk said slyly.
McCoy sat down. "Oh?"
"Yeah. No summary, but title sounds like it might have possibilities."
"Well…maybe. And, you know, it's not all that likely that you'd get killed in a story with my name in the title…" McCoy reasoned with himself.
"Sure. Makes sense," Kirk encouraged.
"It would seem incongruous with the apparent premise," Spock agreed.
They looked at him. "What apparent premise?" McCoy asked. "There's no summary."
"It seems obvious from the title that this story in some way involves duplicates of you. Hence the issue is which is 'the real McCoy.'"
McCoy laughed. "Aw come on. That's crazy. Dozens of me running around?"
"Only one way to find out," Kirk pointed out.
"Oh fine. Let's read it." McCoy gave in.
They did. Read it, that is. Things went along quietly enough at first, and then came the zinger. The appearance of a second Dr. McCoy.
"What do you know," McCoy said, surprised. "This is about duplicates of me."
"As I predicted," Spock pointed out.
McCoy did not comment.
They read on. There seemed to be thirty or so McCoys running around, which gave rise to such lines as "walking down the corridor was a threesome of Dr. McCoys." Soon there was a hostage situation, coupled with Scotty down in engineering turning off the lights, while Simmons wandered randomly around the ship. In other words, no end of confusion. And then it happened.
"I got shot."
No, that wasn't McCoy talking, even if it was his name in the title. That was Kirk.
"I got shot!" Kirk was not pleased. "It never fails! Inevitably, somehow, I get into trouble!"
McCoy sighed. " I knew this was a bad idea."
"Well we've got to keep reading now," Kirk said fervently. "Just to find out if I die or not!"
So they read. They had located the real McCoy, and escaped from the clones for the moment. Kirk, however, was in poor condition. And it didn't help that they were wandering the corridors in the dark, trying to find Sickbay. And being followed by Chekov, who was under the distinct and mistaken impression that Kirk and Spock had been taken captive by a McCoy-clone. Simmons was still roaming, still lost. Sulu was having a very rough day. But so was most everyone else.
To state it differently, things were a mess.
"These chapters are…funny," Kirk complained.
"Yeah, they are," McCoy agreed, amused.
Kirk was not amused. Or pleased. "How dare the author write funny chapters while there's a bullet in my side?!"
"Lighten up, Jim," McCoy said casually.
"Easy for you to say, you're not the one bleeding!"
"No, but I probably will be if Chekov ever catches us," McCoy said, completely unconcerned at the thought of having his character attacked by the navigator.
"You know what?" Kirk said, glaring furiously at the computer screen. "I don't trust this writer. I have the strangest feeling she'd write jokes into my funeral. That 'squish' bit worries me…"
McCoy sighed. "Don't you think you're taking this too seriously? It's just a story. Fiction."
Kirk stared at him. "An entire online community seems to be devoted to killing me off in stories, and I should take it lightly?!"
McCoy coughed. "Have you considered that maybe you're overestimating your own importance to this website?"
"No."
Not many easy comebacks to that. "Look, Jim, all I'm saying is maybe you're overreacting."
"I most likely am. And I will continue to overreact until I find out if I die of bullet wounds. So stop talking and let me read."
They read. And they found out what happened to Kirk (which I'm not going to mention as that would give away another writer's cliffhanger and there must be a Code against that somewhere; you'll just have to read it yourself). But there were several other chapters, and so they kept reading, which just possibly may have been a bad move.
"I'm dead? I'm dead?!"
No, that wasn't Kirk talking. That was McCoy.
"I'm DEAD! How dare they kill ME off?" McCoy demanded.
Kirk had a strange look in his eyes. "You know, Bones, it's only fiction."
"Only nothing! This writer just killed me! This is an outrage!"
"Have you considered that you're over reacting?" Kirk asked pleasantly.
"Over reacting, HAH! Dead. Me! What did I ever do to—" McCoy paused. He looked at Kirk. Looked back at the screen. Coughed, abruptly embarrassed. "Ahem. Perhaps…well, it is fiction, um, well, let's read something different, hmm?"
"Sure, Bones."
"Here, this looks interesting, 'Everyone Goes Nuts,' let's read that." It definitely looked like it would be distracting, and that was his main goal at the moment.
They read. They might have done well to notice the line in the summary about Kirk screaming, but they weren't paying attention. They noticed soon enough.
"I'm running and screaming? Running and screaming?" Kirk was unhappy.
McCoy was pleased. If Kirk made a scene, who was going to remember his little incident?
"I never run and scream!"
"Actually, you have been known to run. Screaming is very rare though," Spock commented.
"I don't like this…" Kirk muttered, but they kept reading. Right up until a shuttle was deliberately crashed, apparently with Kirk in it.
"I killed myself," Kirk said, staring at the computer screen. "I killed myself!"
"Nah, Spock wouldn't let you." McCoy frowned. "I don't think he would anyway." He turned to Spock. "Would you?"
Spock blinked. "Allow the Captain to kill himself?"
"Well, would you?"
"I would endeavor to prevent—"
"Never mind what Spock would do! I killed myself! Me! I can't kill myself! I'm James T. Kirk! Captain of the starship Enterprise! Suicide is not in my character!" Kirk was wailing.
McCoy was resigned. "Jim, you're at it again."
"I'm DEAD, oh this is TERRIBLE! It's not bad enough I run screaming from Stella, now I DIE!" Kirk was sobbing by now. "This author is a HORRIBLE person!"
"Aren't you being a little rough on her? We don't KNOW that you're dead," McCoy said, reasonably.
"How many people do you know with ripped yellow shirts?!"
"Well…" McCoy thought about that one. "Maybe you're dead, Jim."
"I don't like this, I don't like this at ALL," Kirk grumbled. "And why is there never another chapter after someone dies?"
"I don't know," McCoy commented, "maybe they just want to torture people."
"Hmph. Well…anybody want to read another one?" Kirk asked doubtfully. His interest in fan-written fiction was dying. McCoy, having encountered a death scene for himself, was also less enthusiastic. Spock, on the other hand…
"It could be an interesting experiment," Spock commented thoughtfully.
Kirk and McCoy looked at him. "Experiment?"
"Thus far, two out of two stories have involved the death and/or injury of one or more of us. Further reading to determine if this frequency of deaths and/or injuries continues has the possibility for offering fascinating insight into the psychological areas of our base of fans."
Kirk and McCoy, even with long practice, required about three seconds to work out precisely what Spock had just said. Having arrived at a satisfactory conclusion, they did have to admit it had some merit.
McCoy sighed. "Well, never let it be said we turned our backs on our fans' psychological welfare."
"We will probably encounter unpleasant stories depicting our demises in varying ways," Spock cautioned, aware that humans have a tendency to be disturbed by these things.
"Well, that's the risk we take," Kirk said. "And risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars—"
"Read, Jim, don't talk," McCoy snapped.
So they read. They jumped from story to story randomly, didn't read everything but read quite a few. Didn't encounter TOO many death scenes…a lot of injuries and unpleasant circumstances though.
"These people have it in for me."
"They do not, Jim. I'm sure they're all very fond of you. You've only died a couple times."
"Only, he says," Kirk muttered. "The deaths are the ones that get to me, but there's been plenty of other things happening to me too, you know. Like "Shade," when I was invisible. Or "Best Laid Plans," when I disappeared and got attacked by a Creature. And don't forget "Henoch's Revenge," what a day that was! First I'm attacked by a flying canine, then my soul's being stolen, then I get turned into a lizard! A lizard!"
"Aw, come on, Jim," McCoy teased. "You were probably a cute lizard."
Kirk glared at him.
"Don't shout, pick something else to read," McCoy advised, forestalling another string of complaints.
Kirk sighed, shrugged, and clicked another title: "Mount Olympus."
* * *
They read all the way up to the end of Chapter Five, with intermittent complaints from Kirk about the obvious trouble he, not anyone else, was in. And then they read to the last line of Chapter Five: "Kirk was dying."
"Aaaarrrrgh!" Kirk seemed thoroughly tempted to hit the computer screen. "How DARE there not be another chapter!"
McCoy was actually mildly worried. "Jim, get a grip."
"A grip?! A grip?! I'm dying!"
"Captain, you seem to be having trouble viewing this with the proper detachment," Spock said calmly. "You are not dying. The fictional James Kirk within this story is dying. You are fine."
"What difference does it make?!"
[A/N: And "a difference which makes no difference is no difference." Ahem, sorry, random Spock-quote which has no bearing at the moment but I love rattling off whenever possible.]
"Considering you're not stretched out on the floor, it makes a pretty big difference," McCoy said dryly.
"But they have this weird obsession with killing me! This is TERRIBLE!"
"All right, that's it," McCoy snapped. "Either you prove you can control yourself and stop shrieking, or I'm shooting you so full of sedatives you won't be awake for a week."
"You wouldn't."
"Want to bet?"
Kirk thought about it. "Not really. Okay, fine. I'm calm. Controlled. Not shrieking at all."
"Good. Stay that way."
"Right, right. But really, what is it with these stories?" Kirk muttered. "These people don't like me! At least over at the BBK they appreciate me…"
McCoy frowned. "The BBK?"
Kirk froze. "Did I say BBK?"
"Yes, you did. What is it?"
"Uh…nothing important, well, looks like I'm due on the bridge about now, I'll just be going…" Kirk stood up.
"Alpha shift does not begin for 2.749 hours," Spock noted.
Kirk sat down. He looked from McCoy to Spock. Neither one was going to let him out of the room without telling them about the BBK. He shrugged. Well…what was there to lose anyway?
"So, Jim…what's the BBK?" McCoy asked.
Wouldn't you like to know? Heehee…next chapter, I promise! Anyone wanna hazard a guess by the way? It's a website, I'll tell you that.
Now, no shrieking. Next chapter will be up soon, honest. I promise!