Disclaimer: I own nothing
As Xander slowly swam back into consciousness he was vaguely aware of Ricky and Claire. And Spike.
Spike.
He jumped to his feet, trying to escape the Spike-shaped blur. He let out a vaguely unmanly shriek. "Pipe down!" Growled Spike. "You got us all into it, didn't you, you bloody burk!"
Xander blinked away the fuzziness, trying desperately to focus. There was Spike, wearing some kind of leash. Hm. And this funny feeling on his neck was--
"AAAA!!" Screamed Xander, grabbing his own collar.
"Be quiet." Said Gissard sharply, and Xander's mouth clamped shut.
Gissard was behind him, he realized. The wizard slowly circled him, eyeing him closely. "You are strong." Said Gissard. "That's good. I have need of strong human slaves, to augment my demon army. Soon we will crush the Slayer, and the world! With William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers, at my side, none will dare oppose me!"
Spike sniffed. "You still owe me ten bob, mate." He said.
Gissard shook his hand. "Don't ruin the moment!" He complained, and stalked off.
"Why don't we escape?" Asked Xander, looking around.
"He's got us well and truly spelled." Said Spike. "You great git!"
Xander shrugged. "Better slaved by him than drained by you, right?"
Spike glared at Xander. "You pillock." He muttered.
"You, you big ninny!" Said Xander.
"And you cuss like a girl!" Sneered Spike.
"What's that matter, girlfriend run off again? Poor Spike!" Sneered Xander, clearly enjoying himself for the moment. He glanced at Ricky, who was still wearing only a thong, cowering and quivering. He glanced to Claire, who appeared to be in shock. "How do we get out of this?" He asked.
Spike rolled his eyes. "Your lot'll be no help. The spell is keyed to Gissard's voice. Any order he gives us, we have to obey."
"What orders has he given?"
"He told me not to touch him." Said Spike. "And he told us all not to try to run off."
Xander thought about it. "Okay, I have a plan. . ."
**
Gissard entered the room. "Now, are we ready to go?" He asked. He glanced around the room. "All right, let's go!" He said cheerfully.
Xander glanced to Spike, who shifted into game face. "All right." Said the blonde vampire. He seemed to grow an inch or two as he grinned evilly, displaying his fangs. "Let's do this."
"You can't touch me!" Said Gissard happily, moving closer to Spike. "If I were to tell you to stake yourself, you would in a second! In fact--"
Xander stepped behind Gissard and wrapped both hands around the wizard's mouth, cutting off his words. "Get him!" He yelled. Ricky remained cowering, but Claire sprang forward, slamming a fist into Gissard's stomach. Gissard started biting at Xander's hands, trying to get free, and Xander pulled back hard, keeping the teeth at bay.
Gissard tried to shake him off, but Spike was grinning now. "Come on, half nelson! Kill the bloody ponce!" He yelled.
"I don't know how!" Said Xander. Spike rolled his eyes, shifting back to human face. "Claire!" Said Xander desperately.
She grabbed hold of Gissard, throwing him expertly into a half-nelson and cutting off his air supply, yanking him out of Xander's arms. Xander panted for breath, relaxing, while the wizard struggled.
"We can't kill him." Xander told Claire as Gissard's struggles began to lessen. "He's human."
"You can't." Said Spike. "Soon as his magic wears off, I can." He grinned. "And that's gonna be fun."
"Spike, just. . ." Xander trailed off.
"Shut it, monkey-boy." Said Spike. Xander's mouth clapped shut. "I'll kill him. Better yet, Claire, just keep the pressure on. Kill him."
Claire's eyes widened, but she didn't let go after Gissard slumped limply in her arms.
"Let him go!" Said Xander. Claire dropped him.
"Oh, kill him!" Said Spike. Claire reached for him. Spike and Xander looked at each other, understanding dawning in their eyes.
"Don't bite anybody!" Yelled Xander.
"Hit yourself!" Said Spike. Xander punched himself in the jaw again, falling backwards to the ground. "Yes!" Whooped Spike, throwing his hands in the air.
"Don't tell me to hit myself." Said Xander weakly.
"Tell me I can bite Gissard." Countered Spike.
"Bite Gissard." Said Xander. "No! Don't bite Gissard!"
"Tell me. . ." Spike trailed off, frowning, trying to think of the next move. Xander grinned. "Blast it!" Said Spike. "I hate Mexican standoffs!"
Xander's grin faded, and he glanced at Gissard. "Where are his Fyarl demons?" He asked.
"He conjured them away." Said Spike. "Figured we were all the protection he needed now. Ha!"
Ricky burst out bawling. "This is awful! I'm leaving!" He stormed off, and Spike snorted.
"Leave it to the gay guy to run away. Anybody else?"
Claire blinked. "This is. . .horrible! Ricky's one of my last dancers! If he tells the others. . ."
**
Eight hours later, Spike and Xander sat over Gissard, who was bound and gagged on Claire's kitchen floor. They were both staring at the other, trying to think of the perfect command.
Claire stormed in, grabbed a few mugs, and stormed back out.
"I command you to stake yourself!" Said Xander.
"I command you to command me not to stake myself, and I command you not to command me to stake myself!"
"Don't stake yourself! I command you to take that command back!"
"I take that command back, but I command you to take that command back!"
"Argh! I take it back!"
They sat there stewing, occasionally glancing at Gissard.
Claire stalked back in. "I can't believe this!" She snapped. "All my dancers are gone, just like that!"
Xander glanced at Claire. "Is that bad?"
"Are you kidding?" She asked. "I have a full house of screaming women! They could tear the place down!" Her eyes narrowed. "Say. . ."
Xander's eyes widened. "No!" He said. "No, no, no! Let me emphasize again, no! A world of no!"
Spike grinned. "Alright. Xander, dance for the nice ladies."
Xander's eyes narrowed. "Spike, you dance for the nice ladies!"
"And neither of you tell the other to take it back or not to do it!" Snapped Claire. They both opened their mouth to do just that, and frantically tried to speak, only to find themselves unable. They both glared at her. "Costumes in the changing room." She said unrepentantly.
**
Xander swayed and shook his all-but-unclad rear end. "Oh my god." He said, staring at the audience.
Spike, beside him, similarly unclad, moaned. "I dated a woman who enjoyed literally sucking the life out of me through my veins. I was never scared. This...even if I could, I wouldn't dare run away. They are evil. More evil than me."
The audience was like a living thing, pulsating closer and closer, drooling, salivating, and staring. Xander whimpered.
Spike groaned, and glanced at Xander. "You can never speak of this. That's one of these blasted orders! There will be no speaking of this!"
Xander glanced at Spike and immediately looked away, his eyes closed. "That goes for you double!" He said.
"Take it off!" Somebody in the audience screamed. "Take it all off!"
**
Spike and Xander sat down, staring at Gissard. They were both silent and somber. There were tracks down Xander's cheeks where he'd been crying.
Gissard stared at them both uncertainly.
"I want you to take him." Said Xander to Spike. "Carry him out of here, and start driving. Don't stop till you're very, very far away. And then do what you want."
"Right!" Said Spike.
"And don't come back." Added Xander.
"This spell will wear off!" Said Spike. "And then you know I'll be back."
"It will wear off?" Said Xander. "I hope it'll wear off." He sighed. "When you get back, the Slayer will be here."
Spike grinned. "Not for too long after I get back." He said, hoisting Gissard up over his shoulder.
"Hey." Said Claire, entering the kitchen. "Wild crowd. Uh, you okay?" Xander looked up, and was surprised to see concern on her face.
"You fed us to the wolves!" He said sharply.
"I had to." She said. "To save my club." She sat down beside him. "How much did you get in tips?" She asked.
He shrugged. "I left it...on my costume." He shuddered.
She nodded, moving over to the pile of cloth he'd dropped in the corner. She pulled out the pile of bills and began shuffling and ordering it. When she was done she handed it to him. "There you go. About eight hundred and fifty dollars."
His eyes bugged out, and he stared at the pile of bills. "There's not that many!" He said.
"They're mostly fifties." She said with a shrug. "This is a pretty high- class joint."
She watched as he counted the bills again, his eyes bugged out. "That's enough to get my car fixed." He said.
"Off on your road trip, huh?" She asked. He hesitated.
"I guess so, yeah." He said.
"I know it's kind of weird me asking, since I sort of forced you, but would you like to stay and dance? I mean, you can make good money."
"And what if I don't have a cocaine habit to feed, like Ricky?" Asked Xander.
She shrugged. "Lots of my dancers have pretty good apartments. I mean, you don't have to. It's just...well, I'd like your help."
"How am I helping, dancing?" He asked.
"Not with that." She said, sitting down. "You...you know all about the things that go bump in the dark. If you don't want to be a dancer, how about a bouncer?"
"A bouncer?"
"Yeah. Only, you bounce vampires, not trouble-makers."
"Oh." He said. He narrowed his eyes. "Well, uh, okay, but two things. First, you never, ever, make me do anything like that again. I mean, that wasn't nice."
"Sorry." She said.
"Secondly, we put up crosses, everywhere."
"I don't think that'll go over well with the patrons!" Laughed Claire.
"We can hide them." Said Xander. "Under plants, drapes, whatever. And, uh, okay. I'll stay. But not as a dancer! No dancing for Xander!" He shook his head. "I'll just...wash dishes." He shuddered.
"Okay." Said Claire, smiling.
"Hey, third condition." Said Xander, squinting at her.
"Third condition?" She said nervously.
"New automatic dishwasher." He said, nodding. "The one you have just doesn't work at all."
She laughed. "I can handle that." She said. "No problem."
Finis
**
A/N: What, you expected more? Sorry.
As Xander slowly swam back into consciousness he was vaguely aware of Ricky and Claire. And Spike.
Spike.
He jumped to his feet, trying to escape the Spike-shaped blur. He let out a vaguely unmanly shriek. "Pipe down!" Growled Spike. "You got us all into it, didn't you, you bloody burk!"
Xander blinked away the fuzziness, trying desperately to focus. There was Spike, wearing some kind of leash. Hm. And this funny feeling on his neck was--
"AAAA!!" Screamed Xander, grabbing his own collar.
"Be quiet." Said Gissard sharply, and Xander's mouth clamped shut.
Gissard was behind him, he realized. The wizard slowly circled him, eyeing him closely. "You are strong." Said Gissard. "That's good. I have need of strong human slaves, to augment my demon army. Soon we will crush the Slayer, and the world! With William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers, at my side, none will dare oppose me!"
Spike sniffed. "You still owe me ten bob, mate." He said.
Gissard shook his hand. "Don't ruin the moment!" He complained, and stalked off.
"Why don't we escape?" Asked Xander, looking around.
"He's got us well and truly spelled." Said Spike. "You great git!"
Xander shrugged. "Better slaved by him than drained by you, right?"
Spike glared at Xander. "You pillock." He muttered.
"You, you big ninny!" Said Xander.
"And you cuss like a girl!" Sneered Spike.
"What's that matter, girlfriend run off again? Poor Spike!" Sneered Xander, clearly enjoying himself for the moment. He glanced at Ricky, who was still wearing only a thong, cowering and quivering. He glanced to Claire, who appeared to be in shock. "How do we get out of this?" He asked.
Spike rolled his eyes. "Your lot'll be no help. The spell is keyed to Gissard's voice. Any order he gives us, we have to obey."
"What orders has he given?"
"He told me not to touch him." Said Spike. "And he told us all not to try to run off."
Xander thought about it. "Okay, I have a plan. . ."
**
Gissard entered the room. "Now, are we ready to go?" He asked. He glanced around the room. "All right, let's go!" He said cheerfully.
Xander glanced to Spike, who shifted into game face. "All right." Said the blonde vampire. He seemed to grow an inch or two as he grinned evilly, displaying his fangs. "Let's do this."
"You can't touch me!" Said Gissard happily, moving closer to Spike. "If I were to tell you to stake yourself, you would in a second! In fact--"
Xander stepped behind Gissard and wrapped both hands around the wizard's mouth, cutting off his words. "Get him!" He yelled. Ricky remained cowering, but Claire sprang forward, slamming a fist into Gissard's stomach. Gissard started biting at Xander's hands, trying to get free, and Xander pulled back hard, keeping the teeth at bay.
Gissard tried to shake him off, but Spike was grinning now. "Come on, half nelson! Kill the bloody ponce!" He yelled.
"I don't know how!" Said Xander. Spike rolled his eyes, shifting back to human face. "Claire!" Said Xander desperately.
She grabbed hold of Gissard, throwing him expertly into a half-nelson and cutting off his air supply, yanking him out of Xander's arms. Xander panted for breath, relaxing, while the wizard struggled.
"We can't kill him." Xander told Claire as Gissard's struggles began to lessen. "He's human."
"You can't." Said Spike. "Soon as his magic wears off, I can." He grinned. "And that's gonna be fun."
"Spike, just. . ." Xander trailed off.
"Shut it, monkey-boy." Said Spike. Xander's mouth clapped shut. "I'll kill him. Better yet, Claire, just keep the pressure on. Kill him."
Claire's eyes widened, but she didn't let go after Gissard slumped limply in her arms.
"Let him go!" Said Xander. Claire dropped him.
"Oh, kill him!" Said Spike. Claire reached for him. Spike and Xander looked at each other, understanding dawning in their eyes.
"Don't bite anybody!" Yelled Xander.
"Hit yourself!" Said Spike. Xander punched himself in the jaw again, falling backwards to the ground. "Yes!" Whooped Spike, throwing his hands in the air.
"Don't tell me to hit myself." Said Xander weakly.
"Tell me I can bite Gissard." Countered Spike.
"Bite Gissard." Said Xander. "No! Don't bite Gissard!"
"Tell me. . ." Spike trailed off, frowning, trying to think of the next move. Xander grinned. "Blast it!" Said Spike. "I hate Mexican standoffs!"
Xander's grin faded, and he glanced at Gissard. "Where are his Fyarl demons?" He asked.
"He conjured them away." Said Spike. "Figured we were all the protection he needed now. Ha!"
Ricky burst out bawling. "This is awful! I'm leaving!" He stormed off, and Spike snorted.
"Leave it to the gay guy to run away. Anybody else?"
Claire blinked. "This is. . .horrible! Ricky's one of my last dancers! If he tells the others. . ."
**
Eight hours later, Spike and Xander sat over Gissard, who was bound and gagged on Claire's kitchen floor. They were both staring at the other, trying to think of the perfect command.
Claire stormed in, grabbed a few mugs, and stormed back out.
"I command you to stake yourself!" Said Xander.
"I command you to command me not to stake myself, and I command you not to command me to stake myself!"
"Don't stake yourself! I command you to take that command back!"
"I take that command back, but I command you to take that command back!"
"Argh! I take it back!"
They sat there stewing, occasionally glancing at Gissard.
Claire stalked back in. "I can't believe this!" She snapped. "All my dancers are gone, just like that!"
Xander glanced at Claire. "Is that bad?"
"Are you kidding?" She asked. "I have a full house of screaming women! They could tear the place down!" Her eyes narrowed. "Say. . ."
Xander's eyes widened. "No!" He said. "No, no, no! Let me emphasize again, no! A world of no!"
Spike grinned. "Alright. Xander, dance for the nice ladies."
Xander's eyes narrowed. "Spike, you dance for the nice ladies!"
"And neither of you tell the other to take it back or not to do it!" Snapped Claire. They both opened their mouth to do just that, and frantically tried to speak, only to find themselves unable. They both glared at her. "Costumes in the changing room." She said unrepentantly.
**
Xander swayed and shook his all-but-unclad rear end. "Oh my god." He said, staring at the audience.
Spike, beside him, similarly unclad, moaned. "I dated a woman who enjoyed literally sucking the life out of me through my veins. I was never scared. This...even if I could, I wouldn't dare run away. They are evil. More evil than me."
The audience was like a living thing, pulsating closer and closer, drooling, salivating, and staring. Xander whimpered.
Spike groaned, and glanced at Xander. "You can never speak of this. That's one of these blasted orders! There will be no speaking of this!"
Xander glanced at Spike and immediately looked away, his eyes closed. "That goes for you double!" He said.
"Take it off!" Somebody in the audience screamed. "Take it all off!"
**
Spike and Xander sat down, staring at Gissard. They were both silent and somber. There were tracks down Xander's cheeks where he'd been crying.
Gissard stared at them both uncertainly.
"I want you to take him." Said Xander to Spike. "Carry him out of here, and start driving. Don't stop till you're very, very far away. And then do what you want."
"Right!" Said Spike.
"And don't come back." Added Xander.
"This spell will wear off!" Said Spike. "And then you know I'll be back."
"It will wear off?" Said Xander. "I hope it'll wear off." He sighed. "When you get back, the Slayer will be here."
Spike grinned. "Not for too long after I get back." He said, hoisting Gissard up over his shoulder.
"Hey." Said Claire, entering the kitchen. "Wild crowd. Uh, you okay?" Xander looked up, and was surprised to see concern on her face.
"You fed us to the wolves!" He said sharply.
"I had to." She said. "To save my club." She sat down beside him. "How much did you get in tips?" She asked.
He shrugged. "I left it...on my costume." He shuddered.
She nodded, moving over to the pile of cloth he'd dropped in the corner. She pulled out the pile of bills and began shuffling and ordering it. When she was done she handed it to him. "There you go. About eight hundred and fifty dollars."
His eyes bugged out, and he stared at the pile of bills. "There's not that many!" He said.
"They're mostly fifties." She said with a shrug. "This is a pretty high- class joint."
She watched as he counted the bills again, his eyes bugged out. "That's enough to get my car fixed." He said.
"Off on your road trip, huh?" She asked. He hesitated.
"I guess so, yeah." He said.
"I know it's kind of weird me asking, since I sort of forced you, but would you like to stay and dance? I mean, you can make good money."
"And what if I don't have a cocaine habit to feed, like Ricky?" Asked Xander.
She shrugged. "Lots of my dancers have pretty good apartments. I mean, you don't have to. It's just...well, I'd like your help."
"How am I helping, dancing?" He asked.
"Not with that." She said, sitting down. "You...you know all about the things that go bump in the dark. If you don't want to be a dancer, how about a bouncer?"
"A bouncer?"
"Yeah. Only, you bounce vampires, not trouble-makers."
"Oh." He said. He narrowed his eyes. "Well, uh, okay, but two things. First, you never, ever, make me do anything like that again. I mean, that wasn't nice."
"Sorry." She said.
"Secondly, we put up crosses, everywhere."
"I don't think that'll go over well with the patrons!" Laughed Claire.
"We can hide them." Said Xander. "Under plants, drapes, whatever. And, uh, okay. I'll stay. But not as a dancer! No dancing for Xander!" He shook his head. "I'll just...wash dishes." He shuddered.
"Okay." Said Claire, smiling.
"Hey, third condition." Said Xander, squinting at her.
"Third condition?" She said nervously.
"New automatic dishwasher." He said, nodding. "The one you have just doesn't work at all."
She laughed. "I can handle that." She said. "No problem."
Finis
**
A/N: What, you expected more? Sorry.