It had been the one memory that Spike could never quite repress. He could usually, at the very least, push them to the back of his mind and find other things to keep him occupied until he didn't have to think about them anymore. But this one, this one miserable, heartbreaking memory, was always there. Even if he could manage the entire night without actually having it hit him straight on, it would creep up in his dreams during the day.
And now, as he sat thinking about what Xander had just told him, it was right there again. He silently cursed Rupert Giles for being caught now, so soon after Buffy's visit. Maybe if he'd had the chance to get past seeing her again---. He gave up trying to get rid of it and let it come, thinking for the hundredth time that maybe this time, he could banish it for good.
She'd come to their room one day after duty (it was actually his room, but she stayed there so much that he'd considered it theirs), and gathered some of her things. She had told him that she was just taking them to the laundry and that it didn't mean anything, but her demeanor told him differently. She was sad, almost broody, and he'd asked her several times to tell him what was wrong. She only shook her head. "I just had a long night, Spike. I swear that's all it is."
That had been the beginning of the end for them. She came by less and less, and rarely if ever spent the night with him. Then one night, he'd come back to his quarters to find that all of her things had been taken. He'd rushed to her room, pounding on the door and begging for her to talk to him, making such a scene that they'd sent the guards down to see what was going on. Only when one of them asked her to open the door and talk to them did she respond. She'd told them that it was all right, that the two of them were going through a rough spot, and once she'd convinced them that Spike wasn't stalking her, they went away and she grudgingly let him in.
"What the bloody hell is going on, Buffy? You just decide that we're having a 'rough spot' all on your own, did you? 'Cause I thought everything was going just fine."
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, and his anger melted right away. "Spike, sit down. Please." He did, wanting to reach out and take her hand, but thinking better of it when he noticed that her arms were folded firmly across her chest. Instead, he just sat and waited until she spoke. "I---I know that you don't understand what's been going on with me, and I really don't want to have to tell you now, but I guess I kind of owe it to you." She turned her back on him now, pacing between her desk and her closet. "I--- Well, you know the savages we brought in last week?"
"The humans? The ones from Doralville?"
She nodded. "When we were talking to them about rehabilitation, something happened. There was--- this little girl with them, just a tiny little thing, maybe 6 years old. And when I was walking past her, she reached out and touched my leg, and the--- the weirdest thing happened." Her voice hit a strangled tone here, and he had to fight to keep from standing and going to her. "When she touched me, I felt this---this shock go through me."
"Shock? She hurt you?"
She shook her head. "No, it didn't hurt. I---I wish I could explain it. It was warm. Kind of like a---a hot shower on a frosty night. Where the heat hits you so quick that it stings, but then you get used to it, and it's just cozy. And---and for just a minute, I felt this---this weird feeling in my chest. It was like a--- a drum. Like someone was playing a drum in my chest. I wish I could tell you, Spike." She turned to look at him now and there were tears in her eyes. "It was absolutely beautiful."
He stood now, anger welling inside him. "Beautiful? Hardly! She probably infected you with something. You should have gone to the infirmary and been checked out. God knows what she gave you."
She laughed. "It wasn't an illness, Spike. I think it was her soul. I think she was just reaching out to touch me and--- she accidentally gave me a little piece of her soul. You know that they can do transfers, that they just have to touch someone and they can pass their soul on with it. I don't think she meant to, I think she just doesn't know how to control it yet. But that doesn't matter. What matters," she said, stepping closer to him, "is that I loved it. And I've decided that I want whatever it is that they have."
His mouth dropped open and he struggled to find a response. "That's---It's just crazy! You don't know what you're talking about. You know that they can trick you. You should know, better than anyone, not to trust them."
"Spike, she was just a child! She wasn't trying to trick me. She was just reaching out to me and---and she accidentally gave me a glimpse inside of her too. But whatever happened, I'm glad it happened. There's an emptiness to this life that we have never known was there, but now I know it, and I can't stand it being there anymore." She sighed and dropped her head, but not before he could see the tears spill down her cheeks. "There's something more that we're supposed to be, Spike. There's an existence out there that means so much more than this pointless one we're living. I think you've felt it too, because I've seen it in your eyes when you think I'm not looking. You want more than this too. You need more than this." She looked back up at him, a hint of hope in her eyes. "I think we should both go. I think we should see what it has to offer us."
He laughed harshly. "You think our existence is pointless? I could happy with it just because you're here, but I guess that's not enough for you. You want to walk away from me, fine. Hell, I'll even get a bloody transfer so you won't have to see me every day. But you can't possibly be serious about going to--- to them! That's just---well, it's ridiculous!"
Her eyes hardened. "It's not. You wouldn't think so if you'd felt what I did."
"I would think the same way, I promise! Because I can see the truth. They have nothing to offer you. Whatever she gave you, it couldn't possibly be worth all the negatives! Do you want to get sick? Do you want to die? Would you honestly give up the strength, the senses---the invulnerability for what little bit of her so-called 'soul' that you had a taste of?"
She hesitated for a moment, and he almost smirked, thinking he'd won. But then, she looked at him with resolve on her face and he knew better. "Yes, I would. Spike, I've been alive for---what 120-years now? And in my lifetime, I have seen a lot of things change. I've seen the revolution that gave us power over the rest of the demon world, I've seen the need for animal blood be replaced by synthetic, I've seen the human population swell and fall again, and I even lived through that phase where vampires actually started drinking human blood." She shuddered at the thought, but moved on. "But I have always known that there was something missing. What do we have to look forward to, Spike?"
"What do we---?" he gasped. "What do we have to look forward to? How about our wedding? How about having children? Getting out of this army and traveling for a while? We had dreams, or don't you remember that?"
She sighed. "I remember, Spike. I remember all of that. I just---it's not enough for me anymore. I'm sorry, but it's not. Now that I've felt what that little girl has, nothing is ever going to be good enough for me until I have that."
He was gritting his teeth roughly. "You know, pet, if you want to leave me, just say so. If I'm not enough for you anymore, then tell me."
She let out a growl. "Didn't you even hear me? This isn't about me wanting to leave you. I want you to go with me! I want us to both go and join them. I love you, Spike. I want you to know what I felt. It was wonderful, and I want to share that with you."
He shook his head. "I'm perfectly happy being here, being a vampire. This is what I want. And I don't understand how you could want anything else."
She dropped her eyes from his. "I'm too tired to talk about this anymore right now. Are you saying that you won't come with me?"
Everything inside him told him to say he would go. Everything screamed at him to do whatever she wanted, but he still found himself shaking his head. "No, I won't go with you. I think you've gone crazy. I think you need help."
She nodded slowly. "I'm sorry to hear that."
She opened the door and waited for him to leave. As he passed her, he stopped and reached out to touch her arm. "Pet, please. Just think about this. Maybe go talk to a counselor. Just don't do anything rash. Please?"
She looked up at him with a sadness that he'd never seen in anyone's face before. "It's too late for that. I'm leaving tonight. And if you care anything about me at all, you won't report me. You'll just let me go."
He had gone back to his room and locked himself in for several days. When the higher-ups had realized that she was gone, they had come to question him, and he'd refused to open the door, making the excuse that he thought he may have been infected with something and that he didn't want to expose anyone to it. And he claimed not to know what had happened to Buffy.
He had only found out later that, when she went, she'd taken her mother and sister with her (Dawn hadn't even been of full maturity, yet. She was still aging and now, she would never stop) and that she had planted the seed in Giles' mind about following her. He did, about six months later. Sometime in there, they'd lost Willow too. Spike hadn't known much of the girl, except what Xander had told him.
He'd tried to think of them all as traitors, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.
His intercom buzzed again, brining him back from his thoughts. "What?" he snapped, after slamming down the button.
"Spike, where are you? You said ten minutes and it's been half an hour. Are you coming or what?"
He sighed. "Yeh, Harris. I'm coming. Be there in a second."
He pushed his thoughts away once more and started toward the brig. He almost felt sorry for Giles, especially now that Spike himself was in such a rotten mood.
And now, as he sat thinking about what Xander had just told him, it was right there again. He silently cursed Rupert Giles for being caught now, so soon after Buffy's visit. Maybe if he'd had the chance to get past seeing her again---. He gave up trying to get rid of it and let it come, thinking for the hundredth time that maybe this time, he could banish it for good.
She'd come to their room one day after duty (it was actually his room, but she stayed there so much that he'd considered it theirs), and gathered some of her things. She had told him that she was just taking them to the laundry and that it didn't mean anything, but her demeanor told him differently. She was sad, almost broody, and he'd asked her several times to tell him what was wrong. She only shook her head. "I just had a long night, Spike. I swear that's all it is."
That had been the beginning of the end for them. She came by less and less, and rarely if ever spent the night with him. Then one night, he'd come back to his quarters to find that all of her things had been taken. He'd rushed to her room, pounding on the door and begging for her to talk to him, making such a scene that they'd sent the guards down to see what was going on. Only when one of them asked her to open the door and talk to them did she respond. She'd told them that it was all right, that the two of them were going through a rough spot, and once she'd convinced them that Spike wasn't stalking her, they went away and she grudgingly let him in.
"What the bloody hell is going on, Buffy? You just decide that we're having a 'rough spot' all on your own, did you? 'Cause I thought everything was going just fine."
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, and his anger melted right away. "Spike, sit down. Please." He did, wanting to reach out and take her hand, but thinking better of it when he noticed that her arms were folded firmly across her chest. Instead, he just sat and waited until she spoke. "I---I know that you don't understand what's been going on with me, and I really don't want to have to tell you now, but I guess I kind of owe it to you." She turned her back on him now, pacing between her desk and her closet. "I--- Well, you know the savages we brought in last week?"
"The humans? The ones from Doralville?"
She nodded. "When we were talking to them about rehabilitation, something happened. There was--- this little girl with them, just a tiny little thing, maybe 6 years old. And when I was walking past her, she reached out and touched my leg, and the--- the weirdest thing happened." Her voice hit a strangled tone here, and he had to fight to keep from standing and going to her. "When she touched me, I felt this---this shock go through me."
"Shock? She hurt you?"
She shook her head. "No, it didn't hurt. I---I wish I could explain it. It was warm. Kind of like a---a hot shower on a frosty night. Where the heat hits you so quick that it stings, but then you get used to it, and it's just cozy. And---and for just a minute, I felt this---this weird feeling in my chest. It was like a--- a drum. Like someone was playing a drum in my chest. I wish I could tell you, Spike." She turned to look at him now and there were tears in her eyes. "It was absolutely beautiful."
He stood now, anger welling inside him. "Beautiful? Hardly! She probably infected you with something. You should have gone to the infirmary and been checked out. God knows what she gave you."
She laughed. "It wasn't an illness, Spike. I think it was her soul. I think she was just reaching out to touch me and--- she accidentally gave me a little piece of her soul. You know that they can do transfers, that they just have to touch someone and they can pass their soul on with it. I don't think she meant to, I think she just doesn't know how to control it yet. But that doesn't matter. What matters," she said, stepping closer to him, "is that I loved it. And I've decided that I want whatever it is that they have."
His mouth dropped open and he struggled to find a response. "That's---It's just crazy! You don't know what you're talking about. You know that they can trick you. You should know, better than anyone, not to trust them."
"Spike, she was just a child! She wasn't trying to trick me. She was just reaching out to me and---and she accidentally gave me a glimpse inside of her too. But whatever happened, I'm glad it happened. There's an emptiness to this life that we have never known was there, but now I know it, and I can't stand it being there anymore." She sighed and dropped her head, but not before he could see the tears spill down her cheeks. "There's something more that we're supposed to be, Spike. There's an existence out there that means so much more than this pointless one we're living. I think you've felt it too, because I've seen it in your eyes when you think I'm not looking. You want more than this too. You need more than this." She looked back up at him, a hint of hope in her eyes. "I think we should both go. I think we should see what it has to offer us."
He laughed harshly. "You think our existence is pointless? I could happy with it just because you're here, but I guess that's not enough for you. You want to walk away from me, fine. Hell, I'll even get a bloody transfer so you won't have to see me every day. But you can't possibly be serious about going to--- to them! That's just---well, it's ridiculous!"
Her eyes hardened. "It's not. You wouldn't think so if you'd felt what I did."
"I would think the same way, I promise! Because I can see the truth. They have nothing to offer you. Whatever she gave you, it couldn't possibly be worth all the negatives! Do you want to get sick? Do you want to die? Would you honestly give up the strength, the senses---the invulnerability for what little bit of her so-called 'soul' that you had a taste of?"
She hesitated for a moment, and he almost smirked, thinking he'd won. But then, she looked at him with resolve on her face and he knew better. "Yes, I would. Spike, I've been alive for---what 120-years now? And in my lifetime, I have seen a lot of things change. I've seen the revolution that gave us power over the rest of the demon world, I've seen the need for animal blood be replaced by synthetic, I've seen the human population swell and fall again, and I even lived through that phase where vampires actually started drinking human blood." She shuddered at the thought, but moved on. "But I have always known that there was something missing. What do we have to look forward to, Spike?"
"What do we---?" he gasped. "What do we have to look forward to? How about our wedding? How about having children? Getting out of this army and traveling for a while? We had dreams, or don't you remember that?"
She sighed. "I remember, Spike. I remember all of that. I just---it's not enough for me anymore. I'm sorry, but it's not. Now that I've felt what that little girl has, nothing is ever going to be good enough for me until I have that."
He was gritting his teeth roughly. "You know, pet, if you want to leave me, just say so. If I'm not enough for you anymore, then tell me."
She let out a growl. "Didn't you even hear me? This isn't about me wanting to leave you. I want you to go with me! I want us to both go and join them. I love you, Spike. I want you to know what I felt. It was wonderful, and I want to share that with you."
He shook his head. "I'm perfectly happy being here, being a vampire. This is what I want. And I don't understand how you could want anything else."
She dropped her eyes from his. "I'm too tired to talk about this anymore right now. Are you saying that you won't come with me?"
Everything inside him told him to say he would go. Everything screamed at him to do whatever she wanted, but he still found himself shaking his head. "No, I won't go with you. I think you've gone crazy. I think you need help."
She nodded slowly. "I'm sorry to hear that."
She opened the door and waited for him to leave. As he passed her, he stopped and reached out to touch her arm. "Pet, please. Just think about this. Maybe go talk to a counselor. Just don't do anything rash. Please?"
She looked up at him with a sadness that he'd never seen in anyone's face before. "It's too late for that. I'm leaving tonight. And if you care anything about me at all, you won't report me. You'll just let me go."
He had gone back to his room and locked himself in for several days. When the higher-ups had realized that she was gone, they had come to question him, and he'd refused to open the door, making the excuse that he thought he may have been infected with something and that he didn't want to expose anyone to it. And he claimed not to know what had happened to Buffy.
He had only found out later that, when she went, she'd taken her mother and sister with her (Dawn hadn't even been of full maturity, yet. She was still aging and now, she would never stop) and that she had planted the seed in Giles' mind about following her. He did, about six months later. Sometime in there, they'd lost Willow too. Spike hadn't known much of the girl, except what Xander had told him.
He'd tried to think of them all as traitors, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.
His intercom buzzed again, brining him back from his thoughts. "What?" he snapped, after slamming down the button.
"Spike, where are you? You said ten minutes and it's been half an hour. Are you coming or what?"
He sighed. "Yeh, Harris. I'm coming. Be there in a second."
He pushed his thoughts away once more and started toward the brig. He almost felt sorry for Giles, especially now that Spike himself was in such a rotten mood.