Narcissa stood outside the school, in the very same place that she had
first told Remus she loved him. Somehow, although it seemed almost
sacrilegious, she felt she had to do it here. She had to tell Remus here,
in this place. Today, before she lost her nerve.
She closed her eyes, trying to remember what she was going to say. She had tried rehearsing her speech while she dressed. She had put on a white sweater and slim skirt, and had brushed her blonde hair back into a headband. She knew she looked beautiful, but looking in the mirror, she didn't see anything except a young girl who had been defeated.
Today, she would lose everything that was important to her. Today, it would be over.
It had to be today, because she was leaving school on Friday. Saturday, she would be Mrs. Lucius Malfoy.
Narcissa turned and fell against the statue, not caring that grit was getting into her clothes, not caring that the wind had picked up, and was growing colder. She tried to hold back the tears. She couldn't cry, not yet at least. She had to pretend. She had to be a great actress, just today.
Behind her, the door opened. She whirled around.
Remus was standing there, looking a little standoffish. He walked towards her, ever so slightly, a little warily.
"Narcissa," he said simply.
She inclined her head slowly, in acknowledgement. Be strong, she thought to herself. It will be over soon.
"How are you?" she asked him, her voice cracking a little. She cleared it quickly.
"A little - confused," Remus answered. He hesitated, and then said, "You haven't seen me in more than three days, Narcissa. I thought that we had agreed we would meet when you came home from the Malfoy's. But I haven't heard anything from you."
"I know," Narcissa said, "I'm sorry."
"No, don't be," he replied quickly, "I should have known that you might want some time - to think things through." He walked towards her again and reached for her hand. "I just worried - that something might have happened to you." He bent to kiss her, but Narcissa pulled away.
Remus stared at her, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
He pulled away, looking surprised, "Something must be wrong. You've never pulled away from me like that before."
Narcissa stared at the ground. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, she thought desperately.
"What is it, Narcissa?" Remus whispered, "You can tell me anything, you know that."
It was too much. Narcissa turned to the statue again. "Why?" she burst out, without meaning to.
"Why what? What's wrong?" Remus cried. He touched her on the shoulder.
"Why do you - why do you have to be so - " Narcissa could hardly form the words.
Remus stopped in his tracks, "Narcissa, what is it?"
She turned to look at him. Remus was shocked by the look in her blue eyes. Something had changed in them. She had always looked quiet, shy, a little reserved. But today her eyes had a look of desperation, as if she were drowning in a stream and needed someone to pull her out. He was terrified by them.
"Please tell me," he begged, "It can't be as bad as you are making it look with your eyes."
Narcissa looked into those beautiful eyes and tried to find a courage she didn't think she had. She wanted to touch him, wanted to kiss him, wanted to tell him everything and hang whatever Lucius Malfoy did. But she knew that if she did that, she would be signing Remus' death warrant. And she could never do that. She loved him far too much.
Inside her eyes, she knew she was begging him to stop her, asking him to understand that she was lying. She wanted him to stop the tide from covering her and killing her, sweeping her body away somewhere she didn't want to be. But she couldn't let him know how she felt. If he died, he wasn't going to die by her hand.
"Remus," she said, "it's over between us."
Time seemed to slow down. Remus felt as if his heart had stopped in his chest. He willed it to keep beating. He stared at Narcissa, "What do you mean?" he managed.
"I mean," she said, staring somewhere behind him, "that I went to the Malfoy's, and I realized that I really do care for Lucius Malfoy, and that I have to marry him. I do. And so I want to tell you - it's over, Remus. We can't be together. I care for you, this is true, but I love him. And this is just the way it has to be."
"You - you can't be serious," Remus broke out, "you can't be telling me the truth. You couldn't have said everything to me and just take it back now. You must be lying!"
Narcissa turned her back on him again. She clutched the statue with her hands. "It's the truth," she replied, "I'm sorry, Remus. I never meant to lead you on."
"You weren't leading me on!" Remus cried, "You said you loved me! You meant it, and I know you meant it! You can't mean this!"
Narcissa felt her shoulders shaking. Just a few more minutes, she thought brokenly.
"Please, Remus," she said, "let me go."
Behind her, she could feel Remus' shoulders heaving. She could hear him breathing hard. She didn't know what must be going through his mind right now, but she could imagine. For several minutes, he just stood there silently. Then he whispered, "If that is what you want, Narcissa, that's what I'll do."
"It's what I want," she replied without turning around.
She heard him walking away slowly. Just before he opened the door, he stopped and turned back for a minute. "I hope you know that this doesn't mean that I will stop loving you," he told her. "I'm going to love you until the end of time, and I don't care if you don't love me back." His voice cracked, like hers had, but he steadied it before he said, "When I said I love you, I meant every word of it. And I always will."
The door shut behind him. Narcissa turned back sharply at the resounding thud. The wind was colder than it had been before, and it whipped through her golden locks. The tears were streaming down her face again. She stared towards the door and whispered, "I meant it, too, Remus."
* * *
For the rest of the week, Narcissa managed to avoid Remus. She went to Dumbledore and announced her formal resignation from Hogwarts. He was surprised, to say the least. "I had thought," he had said to her mildly, "that you would be interested in finishing your education."
Narcissa had kept her eyes straight forward and had answered as if in monologue, "I wish to be married immediately. That's really all that's important to me right now."
Dumbledore had raised his eyebrows, but had said nothing. He had allowed her withdraw from school without another word, until she went to leave. As she was heading for the staircase, he had said, "We will certainly miss you here - some I think much more than others."
Narcissa had looked up at him quickly. He looked at her with a knowing look, as if perhaps he knew exactly what was going on between her and Remus. But Narcissa knew that if she said anything to him, she would lose her resolve again. She only nodded her head and walked out of his office.
Late on Thursday afternoon, while she was finishing packing the rest of her luggage, she found a book of spells and incantations that she had borrowed a few weeks ago from Lily Evans. She would go and return it before the end of the day, and say goodbye to Lily and James. She knew she couldn't say goodbye to Remus. It would be too hard.
But as she walked down the hallway, she noticed that several students were staring at her oddly. Many of them were holding newspapers in their hands. They whispered behind their hands and kept staring at her. She had the nasty suspicion that they were talking about her behind her back. Oh well, she thought, holding her head high. I'm leaving tomorrow anyway.
When she came to the Gryffindor common room, she asked a student to run in and get Lily Evans for her. But as the student walked in, Remus Lupin came bursting out. His eyes were blazing, and he looked as if he would like to kill someone.
"Remus!" Narcissa cried, "What is it?"
Remus stared at her, "You - you -." He clenched his hands into fists, one of them balled around The Daily Prophet, "How could you? How could you do this?"
Narcissa was shocked. He was angry at her? "How could I do what? What are you talking about?" she asked him incredulously.
Remus tossed the paper at her, "Look at this. Explain it to me. I can understand that you wanted me out of your life, but that you could do a thing like this!"
Narcissa unfolded the paper and gasped. On the cover was a picture of Remus, taken two years ago when he was made a prefect. He was frowning almost malevolently at her from his picture. Above the article and photograph, in three-each font, were the words "HOGWARTS STUDENT A KNOWN WEREWOLF."
"But - how?" Narcissa managed.
"What do you mean, 'how'?" mimicked Remus acidly, "It says right there that a certain Lucius Malfoy told the newspapers what I am." He was so angry that he was shaking, "And there's only one person who could have told him that!"
"You don't think - Remus, I would never have told him!"
"Right," Remus snapped, "I suppose he thought of it all by himself!"
"I don't know how he found out," Narcissa cried, "But it wasn't through me."
Remus snatched the paper away from her, "Forget it. You don't owe me anything." He glared at her again, "But I thought that just maybe, I had meant something to you as a friend, and that if your words meant nothing, you might at least have known what was important and what should remain a secret."
"I do know!" Narcissa yelled, angry tears welling in her eyes, "And I didn't tell him, Remus, you have to believe me!"
Remus stared at her for a minute. He just shook his head, "You're not the woman I thought you were," he answered.
Narcissa stared back in mute despair.
"You asked me to let you go," Remus went on, folding the paper slowly and deliberately, "Well, now I am. Go now, and never look for me again. I never want to see you, not for the rest of my life."
Then he turned and walked back through the portrait hole, leaving Narcissa standing there, tears in her eyes and dismay written all over her face. For once, she had been innocent. But there was no way to tell Remus now.
She would never see him again.
She closed her eyes, trying to remember what she was going to say. She had tried rehearsing her speech while she dressed. She had put on a white sweater and slim skirt, and had brushed her blonde hair back into a headband. She knew she looked beautiful, but looking in the mirror, she didn't see anything except a young girl who had been defeated.
Today, she would lose everything that was important to her. Today, it would be over.
It had to be today, because she was leaving school on Friday. Saturday, she would be Mrs. Lucius Malfoy.
Narcissa turned and fell against the statue, not caring that grit was getting into her clothes, not caring that the wind had picked up, and was growing colder. She tried to hold back the tears. She couldn't cry, not yet at least. She had to pretend. She had to be a great actress, just today.
Behind her, the door opened. She whirled around.
Remus was standing there, looking a little standoffish. He walked towards her, ever so slightly, a little warily.
"Narcissa," he said simply.
She inclined her head slowly, in acknowledgement. Be strong, she thought to herself. It will be over soon.
"How are you?" she asked him, her voice cracking a little. She cleared it quickly.
"A little - confused," Remus answered. He hesitated, and then said, "You haven't seen me in more than three days, Narcissa. I thought that we had agreed we would meet when you came home from the Malfoy's. But I haven't heard anything from you."
"I know," Narcissa said, "I'm sorry."
"No, don't be," he replied quickly, "I should have known that you might want some time - to think things through." He walked towards her again and reached for her hand. "I just worried - that something might have happened to you." He bent to kiss her, but Narcissa pulled away.
Remus stared at her, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
He pulled away, looking surprised, "Something must be wrong. You've never pulled away from me like that before."
Narcissa stared at the ground. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, she thought desperately.
"What is it, Narcissa?" Remus whispered, "You can tell me anything, you know that."
It was too much. Narcissa turned to the statue again. "Why?" she burst out, without meaning to.
"Why what? What's wrong?" Remus cried. He touched her on the shoulder.
"Why do you - why do you have to be so - " Narcissa could hardly form the words.
Remus stopped in his tracks, "Narcissa, what is it?"
She turned to look at him. Remus was shocked by the look in her blue eyes. Something had changed in them. She had always looked quiet, shy, a little reserved. But today her eyes had a look of desperation, as if she were drowning in a stream and needed someone to pull her out. He was terrified by them.
"Please tell me," he begged, "It can't be as bad as you are making it look with your eyes."
Narcissa looked into those beautiful eyes and tried to find a courage she didn't think she had. She wanted to touch him, wanted to kiss him, wanted to tell him everything and hang whatever Lucius Malfoy did. But she knew that if she did that, she would be signing Remus' death warrant. And she could never do that. She loved him far too much.
Inside her eyes, she knew she was begging him to stop her, asking him to understand that she was lying. She wanted him to stop the tide from covering her and killing her, sweeping her body away somewhere she didn't want to be. But she couldn't let him know how she felt. If he died, he wasn't going to die by her hand.
"Remus," she said, "it's over between us."
Time seemed to slow down. Remus felt as if his heart had stopped in his chest. He willed it to keep beating. He stared at Narcissa, "What do you mean?" he managed.
"I mean," she said, staring somewhere behind him, "that I went to the Malfoy's, and I realized that I really do care for Lucius Malfoy, and that I have to marry him. I do. And so I want to tell you - it's over, Remus. We can't be together. I care for you, this is true, but I love him. And this is just the way it has to be."
"You - you can't be serious," Remus broke out, "you can't be telling me the truth. You couldn't have said everything to me and just take it back now. You must be lying!"
Narcissa turned her back on him again. She clutched the statue with her hands. "It's the truth," she replied, "I'm sorry, Remus. I never meant to lead you on."
"You weren't leading me on!" Remus cried, "You said you loved me! You meant it, and I know you meant it! You can't mean this!"
Narcissa felt her shoulders shaking. Just a few more minutes, she thought brokenly.
"Please, Remus," she said, "let me go."
Behind her, she could feel Remus' shoulders heaving. She could hear him breathing hard. She didn't know what must be going through his mind right now, but she could imagine. For several minutes, he just stood there silently. Then he whispered, "If that is what you want, Narcissa, that's what I'll do."
"It's what I want," she replied without turning around.
She heard him walking away slowly. Just before he opened the door, he stopped and turned back for a minute. "I hope you know that this doesn't mean that I will stop loving you," he told her. "I'm going to love you until the end of time, and I don't care if you don't love me back." His voice cracked, like hers had, but he steadied it before he said, "When I said I love you, I meant every word of it. And I always will."
The door shut behind him. Narcissa turned back sharply at the resounding thud. The wind was colder than it had been before, and it whipped through her golden locks. The tears were streaming down her face again. She stared towards the door and whispered, "I meant it, too, Remus."
* * *
For the rest of the week, Narcissa managed to avoid Remus. She went to Dumbledore and announced her formal resignation from Hogwarts. He was surprised, to say the least. "I had thought," he had said to her mildly, "that you would be interested in finishing your education."
Narcissa had kept her eyes straight forward and had answered as if in monologue, "I wish to be married immediately. That's really all that's important to me right now."
Dumbledore had raised his eyebrows, but had said nothing. He had allowed her withdraw from school without another word, until she went to leave. As she was heading for the staircase, he had said, "We will certainly miss you here - some I think much more than others."
Narcissa had looked up at him quickly. He looked at her with a knowing look, as if perhaps he knew exactly what was going on between her and Remus. But Narcissa knew that if she said anything to him, she would lose her resolve again. She only nodded her head and walked out of his office.
Late on Thursday afternoon, while she was finishing packing the rest of her luggage, she found a book of spells and incantations that she had borrowed a few weeks ago from Lily Evans. She would go and return it before the end of the day, and say goodbye to Lily and James. She knew she couldn't say goodbye to Remus. It would be too hard.
But as she walked down the hallway, she noticed that several students were staring at her oddly. Many of them were holding newspapers in their hands. They whispered behind their hands and kept staring at her. She had the nasty suspicion that they were talking about her behind her back. Oh well, she thought, holding her head high. I'm leaving tomorrow anyway.
When she came to the Gryffindor common room, she asked a student to run in and get Lily Evans for her. But as the student walked in, Remus Lupin came bursting out. His eyes were blazing, and he looked as if he would like to kill someone.
"Remus!" Narcissa cried, "What is it?"
Remus stared at her, "You - you -." He clenched his hands into fists, one of them balled around The Daily Prophet, "How could you? How could you do this?"
Narcissa was shocked. He was angry at her? "How could I do what? What are you talking about?" she asked him incredulously.
Remus tossed the paper at her, "Look at this. Explain it to me. I can understand that you wanted me out of your life, but that you could do a thing like this!"
Narcissa unfolded the paper and gasped. On the cover was a picture of Remus, taken two years ago when he was made a prefect. He was frowning almost malevolently at her from his picture. Above the article and photograph, in three-each font, were the words "HOGWARTS STUDENT A KNOWN WEREWOLF."
"But - how?" Narcissa managed.
"What do you mean, 'how'?" mimicked Remus acidly, "It says right there that a certain Lucius Malfoy told the newspapers what I am." He was so angry that he was shaking, "And there's only one person who could have told him that!"
"You don't think - Remus, I would never have told him!"
"Right," Remus snapped, "I suppose he thought of it all by himself!"
"I don't know how he found out," Narcissa cried, "But it wasn't through me."
Remus snatched the paper away from her, "Forget it. You don't owe me anything." He glared at her again, "But I thought that just maybe, I had meant something to you as a friend, and that if your words meant nothing, you might at least have known what was important and what should remain a secret."
"I do know!" Narcissa yelled, angry tears welling in her eyes, "And I didn't tell him, Remus, you have to believe me!"
Remus stared at her for a minute. He just shook his head, "You're not the woman I thought you were," he answered.
Narcissa stared back in mute despair.
"You asked me to let you go," Remus went on, folding the paper slowly and deliberately, "Well, now I am. Go now, and never look for me again. I never want to see you, not for the rest of my life."
Then he turned and walked back through the portrait hole, leaving Narcissa standing there, tears in her eyes and dismay written all over her face. For once, she had been innocent. But there was no way to tell Remus now.
She would never see him again.