WARNING!!
This is a PARODY. Not for those looking for saccharine Lego-goop. You have been WARNED!
Inspiration for this story comes from the fact that there seem to be almost NO LotR stories being written that don't include some sort of Legolas/Elf girl/human girl/Aragorn/Frodo/large hairy mongoose pairing. All right, maybe not the large hairy mongoose, but there is still a LARGE and DISTURBING amount of Legomance fics, all of which written in nearly the same manner- BADLY.
If you are like me and very very SICK of starchy, ground-out Legomance fics, then HERE'S ONE FOR YOU! Yes, this is a Legomance, but dripping with sarcasm and satire! This folks, is also known as a BLATANT PARODY! Beware!
I chose this particular title because I didn't want people thinking this was a REAL Legomance, which it is most certainly not. FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY and its included characters are not owned by me. I don't even own the character I made up, feel free to take her. She's a Mary-Sue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY!
Partie Une
Legolas Greenleaf rode through the rich green forests of Mirkwood, sunlight dense with golden motes streaming onto his regal face. The prince rode a gallant, pure white steed, which is unfortunate due to the fact that there is no such thing as a pure white horse. Therefore, he was riding no horse at all. He tumbled into the roadside ditch.
Legolas swore in his most princely manner as he gathered himself up, vowing to never ride a non-existent horse again. Being horseless, far from home, and uncertain of his bearings, he decided to plunge into the dense forest, seeing as that is often the best way to get back the way you came.
As he glided soundlessly through the forest, his keen Elven ears picked up a far-off commotion, a loud guttural roar. He quickened his pace and soon happened upon a dark forest clearing, in which were gathered a multitude of foul, filthy Orcs- recently common to the Mirkwood area.
The horrid creatures were gathered around something they had tied to a thick tree trunk- a kitten or a puppy, perhaps, Legolas thought. As a defender of kittens and puppies everywhere, the prince knew he had to stop the vile torturing of the obviously innocent, bug-eyed woodland creature the Orcs had captured.
Without pausing, Legolas smoothly drew his bow from his back, wound it between his legs, obtained a string, braced the bow, pulled an arrow from his quiver, and notched to the string. Luckily for the prince, Orcs do not pay homage to the theory of keeping a lookout, or they would have spotted him long before.
With unnatural grace and speed, Legolas slew all the Orcs with his mighty bow! Not since Ted Kennedy in Barney suit was there such a display of archery prowess! Even as Orcs began to drop like flies, the few remaining refused to turn around. Thus Legolas slew them with ease.
Once Legolas had un-braced his bow, wound up the string, retrieved his arrows and slung them all back onto his shoulders, he turned his attention to the long suffering, innocent, bug-eyed woodland creature, who turned out to fit none of the aforementioned descriptions.
In fact, it was a young girl, tied rather securely to the tree, with her eyes closed, her head lolling gently to the side. Her hair, which flowed like a velvet waterfall down to her waist, was as black as the underside of a raven's wing in the deepest forest on a moonless night. Maybe blacker. It was very black. Her skin was light and fair, and there were strategic dirt smears on her cheeks, which acted as an outdoorsy version of blush. The rips and tears in her clothing could only be taken for the newest fashion rage- obviously the beautiful girl was highly trendy.
Legolas was instantly smitten by the girl and her beauty- she had legs and breasts and everything. Quietly, so as not to disturb her peaceful, unconscious sleep, he approached her and gazed for copious amounts of time upon her fair face, which seemed to grow even more pale and fair by the moment. Eventually Legolas realized this was the result of the ropes being too tight around her and severely hindering her blood circulation, and he took the initiative to cut her free.
Once that task was complete, Legolas gathered the cataleptic girl into his arms. The feeling of faith and trust radiating from her comatose body was enough to provoke a heart murmur within him. Fearing for the life of the girl and his own possible cardiac arrest, Legolas took off for Mirkwood, which he'd know the location of the whole time. He'd only been pretending to be lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hidden humor- O, tis fun to write. Don't mind my continued archery snarking- it annoys me that no one seems to know archery from SHINOLA before writing about it! *cough* Carry on....
This is a PARODY. Not for those looking for saccharine Lego-goop. You have been WARNED!
Inspiration for this story comes from the fact that there seem to be almost NO LotR stories being written that don't include some sort of Legolas/Elf girl/human girl/Aragorn/Frodo/large hairy mongoose pairing. All right, maybe not the large hairy mongoose, but there is still a LARGE and DISTURBING amount of Legomance fics, all of which written in nearly the same manner- BADLY.
If you are like me and very very SICK of starchy, ground-out Legomance fics, then HERE'S ONE FOR YOU! Yes, this is a Legomance, but dripping with sarcasm and satire! This folks, is also known as a BLATANT PARODY! Beware!
I chose this particular title because I didn't want people thinking this was a REAL Legomance, which it is most certainly not. FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY and its included characters are not owned by me. I don't even own the character I made up, feel free to take her. She's a Mary-Sue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY!
Partie Une
Legolas Greenleaf rode through the rich green forests of Mirkwood, sunlight dense with golden motes streaming onto his regal face. The prince rode a gallant, pure white steed, which is unfortunate due to the fact that there is no such thing as a pure white horse. Therefore, he was riding no horse at all. He tumbled into the roadside ditch.
Legolas swore in his most princely manner as he gathered himself up, vowing to never ride a non-existent horse again. Being horseless, far from home, and uncertain of his bearings, he decided to plunge into the dense forest, seeing as that is often the best way to get back the way you came.
As he glided soundlessly through the forest, his keen Elven ears picked up a far-off commotion, a loud guttural roar. He quickened his pace and soon happened upon a dark forest clearing, in which were gathered a multitude of foul, filthy Orcs- recently common to the Mirkwood area.
The horrid creatures were gathered around something they had tied to a thick tree trunk- a kitten or a puppy, perhaps, Legolas thought. As a defender of kittens and puppies everywhere, the prince knew he had to stop the vile torturing of the obviously innocent, bug-eyed woodland creature the Orcs had captured.
Without pausing, Legolas smoothly drew his bow from his back, wound it between his legs, obtained a string, braced the bow, pulled an arrow from his quiver, and notched to the string. Luckily for the prince, Orcs do not pay homage to the theory of keeping a lookout, or they would have spotted him long before.
With unnatural grace and speed, Legolas slew all the Orcs with his mighty bow! Not since Ted Kennedy in Barney suit was there such a display of archery prowess! Even as Orcs began to drop like flies, the few remaining refused to turn around. Thus Legolas slew them with ease.
Once Legolas had un-braced his bow, wound up the string, retrieved his arrows and slung them all back onto his shoulders, he turned his attention to the long suffering, innocent, bug-eyed woodland creature, who turned out to fit none of the aforementioned descriptions.
In fact, it was a young girl, tied rather securely to the tree, with her eyes closed, her head lolling gently to the side. Her hair, which flowed like a velvet waterfall down to her waist, was as black as the underside of a raven's wing in the deepest forest on a moonless night. Maybe blacker. It was very black. Her skin was light and fair, and there were strategic dirt smears on her cheeks, which acted as an outdoorsy version of blush. The rips and tears in her clothing could only be taken for the newest fashion rage- obviously the beautiful girl was highly trendy.
Legolas was instantly smitten by the girl and her beauty- she had legs and breasts and everything. Quietly, so as not to disturb her peaceful, unconscious sleep, he approached her and gazed for copious amounts of time upon her fair face, which seemed to grow even more pale and fair by the moment. Eventually Legolas realized this was the result of the ropes being too tight around her and severely hindering her blood circulation, and he took the initiative to cut her free.
Once that task was complete, Legolas gathered the cataleptic girl into his arms. The feeling of faith and trust radiating from her comatose body was enough to provoke a heart murmur within him. Fearing for the life of the girl and his own possible cardiac arrest, Legolas took off for Mirkwood, which he'd know the location of the whole time. He'd only been pretending to be lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hidden humor- O, tis fun to write. Don't mind my continued archery snarking- it annoys me that no one seems to know archery from SHINOLA before writing about it! *cough* Carry on....