Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount Pictures.
Chapter 6: Memorial
Bristol, England, October 20th 2379.
Chakotay stood back, holding Aaron steadily in his arms, the small baby squirmed slightly, and fearing another bout of crying he rocked his arms gently. It worked and Aaron's eyes slowly closed as he returned to sleep. It was getting too much for Kathryn, he could see it with every weary movement she made, the guilt, anxiety, grief and feeling of helplessness all weighing her down.
Guilt for many reasons; she felt that she had never made enough time for her daughter, had not gotten to know her as well as she could have, and all of the events she had missed, and would miss. Guilt also because she knew that the time she was spending dealing with this low in her life, she should be happy because of the new life that she had brought into existence. He knew that Kathryn expected to be able to do everything all at once, to appear calm and in control at all times, and when she felt that she was losing grip of a situation she became frustrated. Like she was now.
Grief because she had been told that her daughter was missing, again, and presumed dead, again. He could see that old ghosts were returning to haunt her once again, and there was nothing he could do other than to be there for her, and try to comfort her. And then there was the prospect that Felicity might not be dead, and may return any day, apologising as usual for her tardiness. This lead to the feeling of helplessness, there was nothing that Kathryn could do but to wait and hope for good news that may never come.
Finally anxiety. Felicity's disappearance may have been more than just an accident. There was the chance that some one had figured out the connection between Felicity and Kathryn, and so her shuttle may have been captured and she may have been taken hostage. Or an explosive device could have been planted on the shuttle, and during the test flight her shuttle could have been destroyed. The only problem with proving or disproving such a theory was that shuttle remains had to be found, and they had been told that her flight plan covered so much space it would take years to check her entire course.
Kathryn walked back in Chakotay's direction after having left a rose at the front of the service. There were to be no speeches from family members as intelligence didn't think that it would be wise. Intelligence had also become very picky on who was allowed to attend the memorial service, at first they had told Kathryn that she wasn't allowed to attend, but after an exchange of words, mostly consisting of threats, it was agreed that she should be allowed to go. Tad had also been allowed to attend, and Chakotay had seen Raphael lurking around somewhere, but that was about the extent of the family that was permitted to attend.
Tad had an arm placed comfortingly across Kathryn's shoulders, and although he was smartly dressed in black, Chakotay could understand the wreck that his mind was in, after all Chakotay had lost almost his entire family, if anyone should understand what he was going through, it should be him. As Kathryn came closer to Chakotay she broke away from Tad and made her way to Chakotay. Juggling Aaron in one arm, he put his other arm around Kathryn. "I don't think I can handle going back to the family house for a second service," she said quietly.
He nodded, and looked briefly across at Tad, who was standing solemnly by. "Do you want to stay to the end of this service?" he asked, gently caressing her upper arm.
She shook her head, then looked across at Tad, "are you staying, or do you want to come back home with me and Chakotay?"
He was silent a moment, and looked down at the ground in thought, slowly he looked back up, "I want to stay," he said at last, "but I don't want you to leave me, I'm scared something will happen if you leave me."
Kathryn's heart skipped a beat when she suddenly realised how much pain he was in, she closed the distance between them, "Toby, nothing bad is going to happen if I leave you," she said confidently.
He looked at her, far from convinced, "you said you were coming back in two weeks, but you took almost two hundred times that amount of time, why should I believe you now?"
She looked at him, fighting back tears, and saw a tear appear in his eye also, but unlike her he didn't hold it back, and allowed it to fall down his cheek. Kathryn lifted her hand and placed it delicately on his cheek, wiping away the tear with her thumb, "will you be coming back to the house with me and Chakotay?"
He shook his head, "will I see you in Indiana at the family house?" he asked, his voice strong, but on the verge of trembling violently.
She shook her head, and backed away from him, "no, but I'll see you later, I promise."
Tad crossed his arms as a sharp gust of wind caught him off guard. He seemed to look through Kathryn at the bare trees behind her, and then he looked up at the clear blue sky. "Looks like rain," he said to no one in particular, then he turned away from Kathryn and Chakotay, "I hate it when it's wet, it reminds me of-" but he didn't finish his sentence, and Kathryn watched painfully as he made his way over to a seat and sat down.
She felt a hand come down gently on her shoulder, and she turned to see Chakotay standing behind her, she looked down at the baby sleeping in his arms, and smiled slightly through the pain and irony that as soon as she had lost one child, she gave birth to another.
~*~
San Francisco, later that day (or slightly earlier because of the time difference).
Kathryn and Chakotay returned to their house in San Francisco. Kathryn often joked about her rank having its privileges, and from what Chakotay could see it really did. They had been allocated a very spacious house in San Francisco, and what it lacked in garden it made up for in character and style. Chakotay had also found it very easy to find a house in Egypt, he had initially thought that he would only be able to find a small flat, but when word got out that his partner was an Admiral, and Admiral Janeway at that, he had been flooded with offers of available houses.
The house that he had chosen in the end, was not the largest or the most luxurious that he could find, neither was it in the most desirable of locations, but it was large enough for himself, Kathryn and their small baby to live comfortably for however long they chose to stay in the location. The advantages he found of not living in the capital, or in any large near by cities was that the atmosphere in the small town that he had chosen, was much more friendly and humble, much unlike the city.
"Thank you for coming with me today," Kathryn said as she sat down on the sofa, beside Chakotay.
He nodded, "it's something that no parent should have to go through," he said quietly, "especially not twice with the same child."
Kathryn was a moment in what she said next, "I would rather go through it a thousand times, and have my daughter back in-between, than only to go through it once and never see her again for a second chance."
"Do you think that she could still be alive?" he asked noticing that Aaron had gone to sleep.
She was silent again, "I think that's what every parent would like to believe when told that their child is dead, and I think that's what I want to believe; that she is still alive. After all, it is a family trait now," she mused. Chakotay could feel a but, "but, there's a part of me that thinks that she really is dead, and because I don't know which part to go with, I can't put the matter to rest in one way or another."
Chakotay leant over and kissed her forehead, "for what it's worth," he said as he stood, "I don't think anyone really leaves us, they just disappear, one way or another, that's all that happens." He took a few steps towards the door, "I'm just going to put Aaron to bed," he said before he left the room, leaving Kathryn to think about what he had said.
When she thought about it, it did make sense; it didn't really matter whether Felicity was alive or dead, the fact was that she was not there. If she was still alive then there was the chance that she would come home one day, and if she was dead then she wouldn't ever come home. The situation was suddenly much more clearer to Kathryn, and all she could see that she had to deal with was the idea that Felicity was not there, not the conflicting thoughts that she might or might not be alive.
Minutes later when Chakotay returned to the living room he saw that Kathryn was in tears, and thought that maybe giving her that idea at such an early stage in her grieving process was maybe not the best of ideas. He made his way over to her, and sitting down beside her, encircled his arms around her. She responded by relaxing slightly in his arms and nestling into the warmth of his embrace. They didn't say anything, as nothing needed to be said, Chakotay just held her, and for some minutes it was as if Kathryn had no worries or grief as she could almost feel him taking them from her, and holding them back until she was ready to deal with them.
Kathryn broke slightly away from him, and looked up into his strong and compassionate face, with her own tear stained face, and the shadow of a smile appeared on her face as she traced the lines of Chakotay's tattoo with her finger. Eventually she rested her palm on his cheek. Chakotay took her hand in his own, bringing it to his lips and kissing it. "I love you Kathryn," he said as she rested her hand on his shoulder.
"I know," she said quietly, and then looked away from him slightly, "and I love you too, even if sometimes I don't seem to, or if I say or do something which makes you think otherwise, I love you Chakotay, probably more than you can imagine."
"I think I can just about imagine, if I come down to your level," he joked with a slight smile.
Sharply she spun her head round and putting on a mock serious face, "Commander, I hope that you aren't insinuating that you love me more than I love you, because I would have to point out that you are seriously mislead in such an assumption."
Chakotay laughed lightly, "I'm sorry Captain, but the fact is that I love you an immeasurable amount times more than you love me, and if I'm mislead then it is only by the intoxication of my love for you."
Kathryn laughed also at this, "okay, let's make a deal, we love each other equally."
He smiled, "okay, that's what we'll say officially, but unofficially I still do love you more."
His arrogance amused her still further, but the quirky grin on her face faded slightly with a flicker, and then faded completely from her face. She looked up at him, locking her eyes with his, he was unsure of what was happening, and looked at her with a little uncertainty. He felt the hand that had been on his shoulder make it's way across his chest, eventually reaching the top button of his shirt, which she skilfully undid with a swift and intricate movement with her fingers. "Prove it." Her voice was quiet and seductive, sending a shiver down his spine.
She made it very tempting for him to lose himself to her, and in some ways he already had, although what he gave to her, she returned in full, so he hadn't really lost anything. But he realised that it was the wrong time, she was still very grief ridden, and he was scared that putting her in a position where both their emotions would be laid out so openly would do more bad than good. Although he realised this, the problem was getting Kathryn to realise this also, and sitting on the sofa so close to her was not going to help. Gently he pulled away from her and stood up, giving them both some distance.
Kathryn watched, shocked, "what's wrong?" she asked, with a thousand answers coming to her mind at once.
He looked away from her, "I just don't think that we should," although he couldn't bare to see the disappointment in her face, he knew that not facing her was the worst thing that he could do, and so he looked back round at her, "well, not right now." He could see that she still didn't understand, "Kathryn, it wouldn't be right, not with everything that has just happened still scattered about everywhere, with your emotions all over the place."
"I think that if anyone is going to decide what I'm emotionally capable and not capable of Chakotay then it's me!" she was angry, and didn't quite realise that her anger was just proving his point, that she was emotionally unstable, although he hadn't quite put it like that. "You just said that you loved me, so why won't you prove it?"
He crossed his arms, "I am proving it," he stated firmly.
Standing, he could see all of her muscles tense, ready for a fight. "You're not making any sense Chakotay, if anyone's emotionally unstable at the moment it's you!"
He sensed that this was probably going to turn into a fight, (if it wasn't that already,) and he knew that she wasn't ready for that either, and so he crossed the room and made his way over towards the door. Before he left he turned to her, "and Kathryn, if anyone is in any position to realise what you are and are not emotionally capable of right now, it's not you because if you were capable of realising, then you would understand that what I'm doing is right." Not wanting to give her a chance to respond, he left the room.
~*~
End of Chapter 6
Chapter 6: Memorial
Bristol, England, October 20th 2379.
Chakotay stood back, holding Aaron steadily in his arms, the small baby squirmed slightly, and fearing another bout of crying he rocked his arms gently. It worked and Aaron's eyes slowly closed as he returned to sleep. It was getting too much for Kathryn, he could see it with every weary movement she made, the guilt, anxiety, grief and feeling of helplessness all weighing her down.
Guilt for many reasons; she felt that she had never made enough time for her daughter, had not gotten to know her as well as she could have, and all of the events she had missed, and would miss. Guilt also because she knew that the time she was spending dealing with this low in her life, she should be happy because of the new life that she had brought into existence. He knew that Kathryn expected to be able to do everything all at once, to appear calm and in control at all times, and when she felt that she was losing grip of a situation she became frustrated. Like she was now.
Grief because she had been told that her daughter was missing, again, and presumed dead, again. He could see that old ghosts were returning to haunt her once again, and there was nothing he could do other than to be there for her, and try to comfort her. And then there was the prospect that Felicity might not be dead, and may return any day, apologising as usual for her tardiness. This lead to the feeling of helplessness, there was nothing that Kathryn could do but to wait and hope for good news that may never come.
Finally anxiety. Felicity's disappearance may have been more than just an accident. There was the chance that some one had figured out the connection between Felicity and Kathryn, and so her shuttle may have been captured and she may have been taken hostage. Or an explosive device could have been planted on the shuttle, and during the test flight her shuttle could have been destroyed. The only problem with proving or disproving such a theory was that shuttle remains had to be found, and they had been told that her flight plan covered so much space it would take years to check her entire course.
Kathryn walked back in Chakotay's direction after having left a rose at the front of the service. There were to be no speeches from family members as intelligence didn't think that it would be wise. Intelligence had also become very picky on who was allowed to attend the memorial service, at first they had told Kathryn that she wasn't allowed to attend, but after an exchange of words, mostly consisting of threats, it was agreed that she should be allowed to go. Tad had also been allowed to attend, and Chakotay had seen Raphael lurking around somewhere, but that was about the extent of the family that was permitted to attend.
Tad had an arm placed comfortingly across Kathryn's shoulders, and although he was smartly dressed in black, Chakotay could understand the wreck that his mind was in, after all Chakotay had lost almost his entire family, if anyone should understand what he was going through, it should be him. As Kathryn came closer to Chakotay she broke away from Tad and made her way to Chakotay. Juggling Aaron in one arm, he put his other arm around Kathryn. "I don't think I can handle going back to the family house for a second service," she said quietly.
He nodded, and looked briefly across at Tad, who was standing solemnly by. "Do you want to stay to the end of this service?" he asked, gently caressing her upper arm.
She shook her head, then looked across at Tad, "are you staying, or do you want to come back home with me and Chakotay?"
He was silent a moment, and looked down at the ground in thought, slowly he looked back up, "I want to stay," he said at last, "but I don't want you to leave me, I'm scared something will happen if you leave me."
Kathryn's heart skipped a beat when she suddenly realised how much pain he was in, she closed the distance between them, "Toby, nothing bad is going to happen if I leave you," she said confidently.
He looked at her, far from convinced, "you said you were coming back in two weeks, but you took almost two hundred times that amount of time, why should I believe you now?"
She looked at him, fighting back tears, and saw a tear appear in his eye also, but unlike her he didn't hold it back, and allowed it to fall down his cheek. Kathryn lifted her hand and placed it delicately on his cheek, wiping away the tear with her thumb, "will you be coming back to the house with me and Chakotay?"
He shook his head, "will I see you in Indiana at the family house?" he asked, his voice strong, but on the verge of trembling violently.
She shook her head, and backed away from him, "no, but I'll see you later, I promise."
Tad crossed his arms as a sharp gust of wind caught him off guard. He seemed to look through Kathryn at the bare trees behind her, and then he looked up at the clear blue sky. "Looks like rain," he said to no one in particular, then he turned away from Kathryn and Chakotay, "I hate it when it's wet, it reminds me of-" but he didn't finish his sentence, and Kathryn watched painfully as he made his way over to a seat and sat down.
She felt a hand come down gently on her shoulder, and she turned to see Chakotay standing behind her, she looked down at the baby sleeping in his arms, and smiled slightly through the pain and irony that as soon as she had lost one child, she gave birth to another.
~*~
San Francisco, later that day (or slightly earlier because of the time difference).
Kathryn and Chakotay returned to their house in San Francisco. Kathryn often joked about her rank having its privileges, and from what Chakotay could see it really did. They had been allocated a very spacious house in San Francisco, and what it lacked in garden it made up for in character and style. Chakotay had also found it very easy to find a house in Egypt, he had initially thought that he would only be able to find a small flat, but when word got out that his partner was an Admiral, and Admiral Janeway at that, he had been flooded with offers of available houses.
The house that he had chosen in the end, was not the largest or the most luxurious that he could find, neither was it in the most desirable of locations, but it was large enough for himself, Kathryn and their small baby to live comfortably for however long they chose to stay in the location. The advantages he found of not living in the capital, or in any large near by cities was that the atmosphere in the small town that he had chosen, was much more friendly and humble, much unlike the city.
"Thank you for coming with me today," Kathryn said as she sat down on the sofa, beside Chakotay.
He nodded, "it's something that no parent should have to go through," he said quietly, "especially not twice with the same child."
Kathryn was a moment in what she said next, "I would rather go through it a thousand times, and have my daughter back in-between, than only to go through it once and never see her again for a second chance."
"Do you think that she could still be alive?" he asked noticing that Aaron had gone to sleep.
She was silent again, "I think that's what every parent would like to believe when told that their child is dead, and I think that's what I want to believe; that she is still alive. After all, it is a family trait now," she mused. Chakotay could feel a but, "but, there's a part of me that thinks that she really is dead, and because I don't know which part to go with, I can't put the matter to rest in one way or another."
Chakotay leant over and kissed her forehead, "for what it's worth," he said as he stood, "I don't think anyone really leaves us, they just disappear, one way or another, that's all that happens." He took a few steps towards the door, "I'm just going to put Aaron to bed," he said before he left the room, leaving Kathryn to think about what he had said.
When she thought about it, it did make sense; it didn't really matter whether Felicity was alive or dead, the fact was that she was not there. If she was still alive then there was the chance that she would come home one day, and if she was dead then she wouldn't ever come home. The situation was suddenly much more clearer to Kathryn, and all she could see that she had to deal with was the idea that Felicity was not there, not the conflicting thoughts that she might or might not be alive.
Minutes later when Chakotay returned to the living room he saw that Kathryn was in tears, and thought that maybe giving her that idea at such an early stage in her grieving process was maybe not the best of ideas. He made his way over to her, and sitting down beside her, encircled his arms around her. She responded by relaxing slightly in his arms and nestling into the warmth of his embrace. They didn't say anything, as nothing needed to be said, Chakotay just held her, and for some minutes it was as if Kathryn had no worries or grief as she could almost feel him taking them from her, and holding them back until she was ready to deal with them.
Kathryn broke slightly away from him, and looked up into his strong and compassionate face, with her own tear stained face, and the shadow of a smile appeared on her face as she traced the lines of Chakotay's tattoo with her finger. Eventually she rested her palm on his cheek. Chakotay took her hand in his own, bringing it to his lips and kissing it. "I love you Kathryn," he said as she rested her hand on his shoulder.
"I know," she said quietly, and then looked away from him slightly, "and I love you too, even if sometimes I don't seem to, or if I say or do something which makes you think otherwise, I love you Chakotay, probably more than you can imagine."
"I think I can just about imagine, if I come down to your level," he joked with a slight smile.
Sharply she spun her head round and putting on a mock serious face, "Commander, I hope that you aren't insinuating that you love me more than I love you, because I would have to point out that you are seriously mislead in such an assumption."
Chakotay laughed lightly, "I'm sorry Captain, but the fact is that I love you an immeasurable amount times more than you love me, and if I'm mislead then it is only by the intoxication of my love for you."
Kathryn laughed also at this, "okay, let's make a deal, we love each other equally."
He smiled, "okay, that's what we'll say officially, but unofficially I still do love you more."
His arrogance amused her still further, but the quirky grin on her face faded slightly with a flicker, and then faded completely from her face. She looked up at him, locking her eyes with his, he was unsure of what was happening, and looked at her with a little uncertainty. He felt the hand that had been on his shoulder make it's way across his chest, eventually reaching the top button of his shirt, which she skilfully undid with a swift and intricate movement with her fingers. "Prove it." Her voice was quiet and seductive, sending a shiver down his spine.
She made it very tempting for him to lose himself to her, and in some ways he already had, although what he gave to her, she returned in full, so he hadn't really lost anything. But he realised that it was the wrong time, she was still very grief ridden, and he was scared that putting her in a position where both their emotions would be laid out so openly would do more bad than good. Although he realised this, the problem was getting Kathryn to realise this also, and sitting on the sofa so close to her was not going to help. Gently he pulled away from her and stood up, giving them both some distance.
Kathryn watched, shocked, "what's wrong?" she asked, with a thousand answers coming to her mind at once.
He looked away from her, "I just don't think that we should," although he couldn't bare to see the disappointment in her face, he knew that not facing her was the worst thing that he could do, and so he looked back round at her, "well, not right now." He could see that she still didn't understand, "Kathryn, it wouldn't be right, not with everything that has just happened still scattered about everywhere, with your emotions all over the place."
"I think that if anyone is going to decide what I'm emotionally capable and not capable of Chakotay then it's me!" she was angry, and didn't quite realise that her anger was just proving his point, that she was emotionally unstable, although he hadn't quite put it like that. "You just said that you loved me, so why won't you prove it?"
He crossed his arms, "I am proving it," he stated firmly.
Standing, he could see all of her muscles tense, ready for a fight. "You're not making any sense Chakotay, if anyone's emotionally unstable at the moment it's you!"
He sensed that this was probably going to turn into a fight, (if it wasn't that already,) and he knew that she wasn't ready for that either, and so he crossed the room and made his way over towards the door. Before he left he turned to her, "and Kathryn, if anyone is in any position to realise what you are and are not emotionally capable of right now, it's not you because if you were capable of realising, then you would understand that what I'm doing is right." Not wanting to give her a chance to respond, he left the room.
~*~
End of Chapter 6