Narcissa didn't come out for dinner.
Aided by a very subdued Remus, Draco managed to limp downstairs and have a piece of chicken. He sat at the opposite end of the table from Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who seemed to be at a loss for words, seeing his broken body. He refused to look at them, out of humiliated pride rather than disdain, but he noticed the way they kept sneaking glances at him from across the table.
Remus sat across from him, at the very end of the table. He barely ate, staring off into the distance darkly, as if something was on his mind. He seemed too shell-shocked to engage in conversation. Not that there was much to begin with – dinner was a silent, uncomfortable affair. Hardly anyone spoke, and those who did, gave up after a few terse moments.
Finally, Remus slammed his fork down on the table. Hermione and Molly both jumped.
"That's it," he glowered, "I'm going to have a word with Snape!"
Molly jumped up from the table, "I don't think – Remus, please think about this."
"I've had twenty years to think about it, Molly!" Remus thundered, whirling on her at the doorway, "It's time I got some answers!"
Hermione seemed to shrink into the table. Ron and Harry stared at Remus in disbelief. Only Draco's eyes narrowed, and he nodded as if he understood. Nobody else dared to speak. Gentle Remus never showed a display of temper. Now he looked as if he really might strike anyone he saw.
"Remus," Molly began again.
Remus reached into his pocket for his wand.
"Don't you threaten her!" Bill shouted, jumping to his feet in front of his mother.
"He won't hurt me," Molly said softly, "Sit down, Bill."
Remus was breathing hard now, but his hand slid away from his pocket.
"Just think," Molly pleaded with him. "It was years ago, he probably won't even remember – "
"He'll remember," Remus snapped, "I'm sure of it."
He turned on his heel and stalked into the drawing room. He stared pensively into the fireplace, before shouting, "Severus! I need a word!"
There was a flash of light, and Snape's head appeared in the flames, "I'm quite busy right now, Remus, can it not wait until later?"
"It can't," Remus said, "There's something I must ask you. In person."
Snape rolled his eyes. There was a flash of green light, and then Snape stepped through the fireplace. He seemed disheveled and a bit tired.
"What of it?" he asked, "Dumbledore has put me to an extraordinary amount of work, Remus. I do not have leisure time."
"This won't take long," Remus snapped, "I want to know what you know about Narcissa Malfoy?"
"I know that her husband is dead and that she is missing. That is all," Snape replied curtly, "And now, if you don't mind..."
"I am not finished!" Remus shouted. He looked around himself apprehensively and then said, in a quieter tone, "I mean, what do you know about her relationship with Lucius Malfoy, back when we were in high school?"
Snape stared at Remus, looking deep into his eyes. Suddenly, the lines fell away, and he did not look like the cold, hook-nosed Snape that had emerged over years of crippled aging, but the frightened, sad Severus who had been tormented throughout his years at Hogwarts. He stared at Remus with a mixture of fear and defiance.
"Who really told Lucius Malfoy that Narcissa was in love with me?" Remus whispered.
Severus took a deep breath and drew himself up to his full height.
"It was I," he said defiantly. "I wrote to Lucius Malfoy and told him about you – who you were, and who you loved."
Silence. Remus could hear the grandfather clock on the wall ticking slowly, each second as agonizing as a life age.
"Why?" he asked agonizingly, "Why would you do such a thing?"
"Because I hated James Potter!" Severus spat out, "I hated him! And he hated me, you all did, you remember!" He looked as though he had gone mad with rage and remorse, "He tormented me every day, he and Sirius Black! He had everything I didn't have – popularity, talent for something besides the Dark Arts – but there was one thing he wanted that he couldn't have, and that was Lily Potter."
Remus stared at him, still not comprehending.
"Then one day, I heard Narcissa Black convince Lily to go with Potter to Hogsmeade. She agreed, and Potter couldn't have been happier. I had been friends with Narcissa Black, she was friends with everyone then – and I couldn't believe she could have done something like that to me. She did it so that Potter would help her speak to you, so Potter would convince you to meet her outside the school that day. I overheard her telling him where to meet you. I snuck up to the Astronomy Tower. I saw you – "
Remus felt sick, "You saw me kiss her."
Snape threw his head back. "I wanted to hurt Narcissa. I wanted her to hurt as I did. And so I told Lucius Malfoy. I didn't know what he would do to her – I didn't want to see her in pain, I didn't want her life ruined. I just wanted her to know what it was like – to have nothing. To have it all taken away."
Remus grew cold, "She's lived with nothing but pain and fear since the day you told my secret," he said. "My secret! You let her take the blame for it!"
"I knew that you would blame her, and not me, since I would be forgotten in her betrayal of you," Snape said shortly, "I didn't care what happened to you – you were nothing to me. You never were my friend when Potter and Black ridiculed me – I could have cared less what happened to you." His eyes slid away from Remus, "But when I found out that Lucius had attempted to kill her..." his voice trailed off.
"She is fine," Remus replied softly, "She's upstairs."
Snape's head shot up, "What? What are you saying?"
"She escaped. Lucius is dead because of her. She's upstairs right now, hiding."
"From me?" Snape asked.
"Me," Remus replied, downcast. "I just found out the truth. And I had to make sure that it really was the truth that I knew, and not just another foolish man's crazed idea."
Snape shook his head in disbelief, "I do not know what to say," he replied.
Remus stared at him, "There is nothing you CAN say," he replied. "We ruined her life, the two of us. You for revealing her secret, and me for abandoning her." He stared morosely into the distance, "And I do not know if we can make it up."
He turned away from Snape and walked up the stairs to his bedroom.
* * *
Narcissa stepped outside her room into the dark hallway. She was wearing an old jacket she had found in one of the wardrobes, probably belonging to her aunt, Sirius' mother. She pulled an old brown hat discreetly over her newly-short hair.
In the darkness, she peered into Draco's bedroom. Her son was sleeping peacefully in the moonlight, scars still lighting his pale face. She could not walk into the room. "If I wake him," she thought, "I will never be able to say goodbye." Tears in her eyes, she blew Draco a delicate kiss, and closed the door again.
Carefully, she walked down the steps to the front door and placed her hand on the latch. "You have to do this," she whispered, "Go, do it now. Do it before you can't."
"Narcissa."
She froze.
Remus Lupin was standing behind her, on the steps. He had followed her downstairs.
"Where are you going?" he asked softly.
Narcissa stared at him incredulously. Then she straightened up defiantly, "As if it were any of your business," she replied shortly, "I'm going into hiding."
"When Dumbledore said you ought to hide," Remus replied, "he meant here, with us. It's the safest place."
"Safe for Draco, maybe," Narcissa retorted, "but not for me."
"And why is that?"
Narcissa glared, "I would rather be off on my own than live where I am considered a liar, a betrayer, and a murderer."
Remus stepped down onto the floor, "Nobody thinks that of you," he replied.
Narcissa turned away, "Goodbye, Remus. This time, it's my decision."
She unlatched the door.
"It was Snape," Remus said.
Narcissa stopped. "What?"
"It was Snape. He told Lucius. He sold us out. He told him that I was a werewolf," Narcissa noticed there was no catch in his voice, no quieted tone of shame, "and he told him that you and I were in love."
Narcissa closed her eyes, "And you believe this tale?"
"No," Remus replied softly, "I believe the truth. It just happens that this 'tale', as you call it, IS the truth."
Narcissa felt her shoulders begin to shake violently, "Well," she managed, "I'm glad you've come to that conclusion. But I must be going now."
"Narcissa," Remus burst out, "I have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned you when you needed me, and worse yet, I misjudged you. My betrayal was worse than yours ever could have been. Can you ever forgive me?"
Narcissa began to shake harder.
"I never stopped caring for you," Remus went on, desperation creeping into his voice, "In my darkest hours, when I was lonely, when I was cold, when I was sad, I thought of you the way you were that night when I let you go to him, when I let you go with Lucius, the way you looked in your pale blue dress – and your eyes glowing." He had tears in his eyes now, "I told you that I loved you, but I let you go the minute I believed the words of another. It wasn't love, Narcissa, not the way you loved me. You were honest and true, and I deceived you. I betrayed you more than you could ever have betrayed me."
Narcissa's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't look at him.
"You can never believe this," Remus whispered, "But I loved you, Narcissa. When I thought that you were dead, when I heard that Lucius had come back to kill you, I felt my heart die inside. I thought that you were killed, and I didn't know how I could continue on. Somehow, even though I hurt you, even though I let you go – I still loved you in my heart. And then I saw you, alive, and I wanted nothing more than to hold you once again. But my stupid pride, my insane cruelty – I pushed you away again. I can never make that up to you, Narcissa. I know that."
Narcissa let go of the door handle, "Say that again, Remus."
"What do you mean?"
"The part where you said you loved me."
Remus closed his eyes, "I love you, Narcissa. I love you. I never stopped loving you. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't. I wish I could undo all of the pain that has happened to you. I know I'll never have another chance. But I love you."
She closed her eyes again, "Do you mean that?"
Do you mean that?
Words from twenty years ago. A different time, a different place. The same beautiful woman. Remus felt tears fall from his eyes. He whispered:
"Every word."
And then his heart exploded in a flurry of color and light. Because Narcissa was in his arms, and her lips were on his, and she was kissing him for the first time in twenty years. And the deep ache he had had inside just vanished, never to appear again, at least not in the same way. The wounds on her heart seemed to melt away, and she never felt them again. The two of them held each other, kissing, tears, mingling with the moisture of their lips, and they could not stop. They cried and laughed, and held each other for a very long time, two souls come through the darkness, finally entwined in the light.
(Still to be continued)
Aided by a very subdued Remus, Draco managed to limp downstairs and have a piece of chicken. He sat at the opposite end of the table from Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who seemed to be at a loss for words, seeing his broken body. He refused to look at them, out of humiliated pride rather than disdain, but he noticed the way they kept sneaking glances at him from across the table.
Remus sat across from him, at the very end of the table. He barely ate, staring off into the distance darkly, as if something was on his mind. He seemed too shell-shocked to engage in conversation. Not that there was much to begin with – dinner was a silent, uncomfortable affair. Hardly anyone spoke, and those who did, gave up after a few terse moments.
Finally, Remus slammed his fork down on the table. Hermione and Molly both jumped.
"That's it," he glowered, "I'm going to have a word with Snape!"
Molly jumped up from the table, "I don't think – Remus, please think about this."
"I've had twenty years to think about it, Molly!" Remus thundered, whirling on her at the doorway, "It's time I got some answers!"
Hermione seemed to shrink into the table. Ron and Harry stared at Remus in disbelief. Only Draco's eyes narrowed, and he nodded as if he understood. Nobody else dared to speak. Gentle Remus never showed a display of temper. Now he looked as if he really might strike anyone he saw.
"Remus," Molly began again.
Remus reached into his pocket for his wand.
"Don't you threaten her!" Bill shouted, jumping to his feet in front of his mother.
"He won't hurt me," Molly said softly, "Sit down, Bill."
Remus was breathing hard now, but his hand slid away from his pocket.
"Just think," Molly pleaded with him. "It was years ago, he probably won't even remember – "
"He'll remember," Remus snapped, "I'm sure of it."
He turned on his heel and stalked into the drawing room. He stared pensively into the fireplace, before shouting, "Severus! I need a word!"
There was a flash of light, and Snape's head appeared in the flames, "I'm quite busy right now, Remus, can it not wait until later?"
"It can't," Remus said, "There's something I must ask you. In person."
Snape rolled his eyes. There was a flash of green light, and then Snape stepped through the fireplace. He seemed disheveled and a bit tired.
"What of it?" he asked, "Dumbledore has put me to an extraordinary amount of work, Remus. I do not have leisure time."
"This won't take long," Remus snapped, "I want to know what you know about Narcissa Malfoy?"
"I know that her husband is dead and that she is missing. That is all," Snape replied curtly, "And now, if you don't mind..."
"I am not finished!" Remus shouted. He looked around himself apprehensively and then said, in a quieter tone, "I mean, what do you know about her relationship with Lucius Malfoy, back when we were in high school?"
Snape stared at Remus, looking deep into his eyes. Suddenly, the lines fell away, and he did not look like the cold, hook-nosed Snape that had emerged over years of crippled aging, but the frightened, sad Severus who had been tormented throughout his years at Hogwarts. He stared at Remus with a mixture of fear and defiance.
"Who really told Lucius Malfoy that Narcissa was in love with me?" Remus whispered.
Severus took a deep breath and drew himself up to his full height.
"It was I," he said defiantly. "I wrote to Lucius Malfoy and told him about you – who you were, and who you loved."
Silence. Remus could hear the grandfather clock on the wall ticking slowly, each second as agonizing as a life age.
"Why?" he asked agonizingly, "Why would you do such a thing?"
"Because I hated James Potter!" Severus spat out, "I hated him! And he hated me, you all did, you remember!" He looked as though he had gone mad with rage and remorse, "He tormented me every day, he and Sirius Black! He had everything I didn't have – popularity, talent for something besides the Dark Arts – but there was one thing he wanted that he couldn't have, and that was Lily Potter."
Remus stared at him, still not comprehending.
"Then one day, I heard Narcissa Black convince Lily to go with Potter to Hogsmeade. She agreed, and Potter couldn't have been happier. I had been friends with Narcissa Black, she was friends with everyone then – and I couldn't believe she could have done something like that to me. She did it so that Potter would help her speak to you, so Potter would convince you to meet her outside the school that day. I overheard her telling him where to meet you. I snuck up to the Astronomy Tower. I saw you – "
Remus felt sick, "You saw me kiss her."
Snape threw his head back. "I wanted to hurt Narcissa. I wanted her to hurt as I did. And so I told Lucius Malfoy. I didn't know what he would do to her – I didn't want to see her in pain, I didn't want her life ruined. I just wanted her to know what it was like – to have nothing. To have it all taken away."
Remus grew cold, "She's lived with nothing but pain and fear since the day you told my secret," he said. "My secret! You let her take the blame for it!"
"I knew that you would blame her, and not me, since I would be forgotten in her betrayal of you," Snape said shortly, "I didn't care what happened to you – you were nothing to me. You never were my friend when Potter and Black ridiculed me – I could have cared less what happened to you." His eyes slid away from Remus, "But when I found out that Lucius had attempted to kill her..." his voice trailed off.
"She is fine," Remus replied softly, "She's upstairs."
Snape's head shot up, "What? What are you saying?"
"She escaped. Lucius is dead because of her. She's upstairs right now, hiding."
"From me?" Snape asked.
"Me," Remus replied, downcast. "I just found out the truth. And I had to make sure that it really was the truth that I knew, and not just another foolish man's crazed idea."
Snape shook his head in disbelief, "I do not know what to say," he replied.
Remus stared at him, "There is nothing you CAN say," he replied. "We ruined her life, the two of us. You for revealing her secret, and me for abandoning her." He stared morosely into the distance, "And I do not know if we can make it up."
He turned away from Snape and walked up the stairs to his bedroom.
* * *
Narcissa stepped outside her room into the dark hallway. She was wearing an old jacket she had found in one of the wardrobes, probably belonging to her aunt, Sirius' mother. She pulled an old brown hat discreetly over her newly-short hair.
In the darkness, she peered into Draco's bedroom. Her son was sleeping peacefully in the moonlight, scars still lighting his pale face. She could not walk into the room. "If I wake him," she thought, "I will never be able to say goodbye." Tears in her eyes, she blew Draco a delicate kiss, and closed the door again.
Carefully, she walked down the steps to the front door and placed her hand on the latch. "You have to do this," she whispered, "Go, do it now. Do it before you can't."
"Narcissa."
She froze.
Remus Lupin was standing behind her, on the steps. He had followed her downstairs.
"Where are you going?" he asked softly.
Narcissa stared at him incredulously. Then she straightened up defiantly, "As if it were any of your business," she replied shortly, "I'm going into hiding."
"When Dumbledore said you ought to hide," Remus replied, "he meant here, with us. It's the safest place."
"Safe for Draco, maybe," Narcissa retorted, "but not for me."
"And why is that?"
Narcissa glared, "I would rather be off on my own than live where I am considered a liar, a betrayer, and a murderer."
Remus stepped down onto the floor, "Nobody thinks that of you," he replied.
Narcissa turned away, "Goodbye, Remus. This time, it's my decision."
She unlatched the door.
"It was Snape," Remus said.
Narcissa stopped. "What?"
"It was Snape. He told Lucius. He sold us out. He told him that I was a werewolf," Narcissa noticed there was no catch in his voice, no quieted tone of shame, "and he told him that you and I were in love."
Narcissa closed her eyes, "And you believe this tale?"
"No," Remus replied softly, "I believe the truth. It just happens that this 'tale', as you call it, IS the truth."
Narcissa felt her shoulders begin to shake violently, "Well," she managed, "I'm glad you've come to that conclusion. But I must be going now."
"Narcissa," Remus burst out, "I have made a terrible mistake. I abandoned you when you needed me, and worse yet, I misjudged you. My betrayal was worse than yours ever could have been. Can you ever forgive me?"
Narcissa began to shake harder.
"I never stopped caring for you," Remus went on, desperation creeping into his voice, "In my darkest hours, when I was lonely, when I was cold, when I was sad, I thought of you the way you were that night when I let you go to him, when I let you go with Lucius, the way you looked in your pale blue dress – and your eyes glowing." He had tears in his eyes now, "I told you that I loved you, but I let you go the minute I believed the words of another. It wasn't love, Narcissa, not the way you loved me. You were honest and true, and I deceived you. I betrayed you more than you could ever have betrayed me."
Narcissa's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't look at him.
"You can never believe this," Remus whispered, "But I loved you, Narcissa. When I thought that you were dead, when I heard that Lucius had come back to kill you, I felt my heart die inside. I thought that you were killed, and I didn't know how I could continue on. Somehow, even though I hurt you, even though I let you go – I still loved you in my heart. And then I saw you, alive, and I wanted nothing more than to hold you once again. But my stupid pride, my insane cruelty – I pushed you away again. I can never make that up to you, Narcissa. I know that."
Narcissa let go of the door handle, "Say that again, Remus."
"What do you mean?"
"The part where you said you loved me."
Remus closed his eyes, "I love you, Narcissa. I love you. I never stopped loving you. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't. I wish I could undo all of the pain that has happened to you. I know I'll never have another chance. But I love you."
She closed her eyes again, "Do you mean that?"
Do you mean that?
Words from twenty years ago. A different time, a different place. The same beautiful woman. Remus felt tears fall from his eyes. He whispered:
"Every word."
And then his heart exploded in a flurry of color and light. Because Narcissa was in his arms, and her lips were on his, and she was kissing him for the first time in twenty years. And the deep ache he had had inside just vanished, never to appear again, at least not in the same way. The wounds on her heart seemed to melt away, and she never felt them again. The two of them held each other, kissing, tears, mingling with the moisture of their lips, and they could not stop. They cried and laughed, and held each other for a very long time, two souls come through the darkness, finally entwined in the light.
(Still to be continued)