Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount Pictures.
Chapter 11: Cause to live my life extended
San Francisco, September 19th 2379.
He hated arguing, he would do everything in his power to avoid an argument if he thought that it was possible. He didn't want to argue now, and so made to leave. Seven blocked his path, "how do you know her?" she asked again, her voice cold and ready for another round.
Tad sighed pinching the bridge of his nose, "Annika, I've told you already, I don't know her, I was just told to pass a message along to her, and I did, end of story."
"You're lying," she accused. He shot her a look, although he resented the accusation he knew it was true, he didn't just know Kathryn Janeway, he had lived inside her. "If you don't know her then why did you hug her?" Tad's jaw hung, he didn't realise that she had seen that, he had just assumed that she had seen him enter the hospital room, ask where Kathryn was and then leave. "And what about your surnames," he cringed knowing what was coming next, "is it just coincidence that you share the same name?"
"What do you want me to say Annika?" he moved away from her and further into the room, sitting down on the sofa, clasping his hands together and resting them on his lap, preferring to stare at the floor than at Seven.
"The truth, how you know the admiral, and what you were doing there." Although she wanted to sit down beside him, she felt that doing such a thing would make her seem weak, as if calming down would let him win, and he would get away without an explanation.
He looked back up at her, he was too tired to argue and she wasn't going to give up. "Kathryn and I are related, yes, so that's why we share the same surname. When my father died when I was five, my mother was distraught, and due to circumstances I guess I grew closer to Kathryn than I did to my mother." It wasn't totally a lie, although it wasn't exactly fair of him to allow Seven to believe that his mother and Kathryn were two separate people, he couldn't exactly tell her that Kathryn was his mother, Intelligence would have his neck, or worse- Seven's. The truth was that in many ways Kathryn was more of a friend than the typical mother stereotype, and he guessed that in some abstract way it could have been partly to do with the death of his father.
Seven relaxed her stance, "your father," she said quietly, it was one of the first times that he had mentioned anything about his past life.
"Yes," Tad said exasperatedly, then shifted his body to one side of the sofa, in the hope that Seven may decide to sit next to him. She saw this manoeuvre and so made her way over to him. "I guess I'm the closest thing Kathryn has to a son," it was the truth, partially, but saying the words he remembered that he no longer was the closest thing to a son for her, there was Aaron now as well.
She sat beside him, "what were you there for?" she asked.
He ran a hand through his hair, "something happened to my younger sister, I thought I should tell her, I'm sorry next time I'll check with you," he added, suddenly aware of how harsh he sounded.
"I'm sorry," she put a hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away from her and stood. "Where are you going?" she started after him as he made his way from her and to the coat rack.
"I said that I was going to meet a group of friends, I have to leave now or I'll be late," he said as he took his jacket from the rack, purposely keeping his back to her.
"You're sister," Seven attempted to make him stay by showing some concern, "is she okay."
Tad turned round, "I don't have a sister," he lied, "remember that if anyone asks you." He didn't want to elaborate, and was thankful that Seven didn't ask him to do so as he left his apartment. Seven stared at the door after him, not quite sure of what to say, and not quite sure what he had meant when he had left.
~*~
San Francisco, Later that night
For Tad, going to the bar and getting pissed wasn't an everyday venture for him. He would often drink a glass of wine with an evening meal out of habit or on social occasions when most others were drinking, but he never felt the need to binge drink. However, two of his friends from his old university had dropped by, and after some persuasion he had agreed to go out with them. Even after they had managed to persuade him that he should go with them on a pub crawl, he had only agreed with the original intention that he would not drink alcohol. However, with everything that had happened, he momentarily forgot that he had a hospital shift the next morning and drunk himself into a stupor.
Tad blinked heavily, and tried to remember whether the world had always been distorted and upside down, or if it was just a recent modification to reality. When he took this question of his two friends Vince and Larry, they both gave him different answers. Vince's was something along the lines of: "Nah, sit's probly jus' you." The common translation of this phrase is: "I think you have knocked your head, and may have concussion, either that or you really are completely pissed. Either way I believe that it may be in your best interests to seek medical advice."
Larry gave him a slightly different answer: ".-.-.-." Well, by the time Tad had gotten round to asking Larry, he was on the floor in fits of laughter, why he was laughing no one was exactly sure, but the fact was that he was laughing.
Giving up on his two friends Tad made his way outside into the dark street in the hope that fresh air may clear his mind. He sat at the edge of the pavement looking up and down the empty street. "Are you okay?" a soft feminine voice asked from behind him.
Clumsily he looked around, he saw a figure standing behind him, but the details were unclear. "I'm fine," he looked back round.
There was a moments silence, then he felt the movement from behind him move to the side as she sat down beside him on the pavement. "You don't look okay," she said hugging her knees partially because it was cold and partially to prevent the vengeful gust of wind blowing her skirt in all directions.
He looked round at her, "I think that I might be a little drunk," he stated. "It's weird though, I can still do maths, so I can't be that drunk."
"I think a lot of people can still do maths when they're drunk, it's just very few admit to it," she laughed, a wisp of her long dark brown hair falling momentarily over her face, before she tucked it behind her ear.
"What are you doing here at this time of night?" Tad asked, the fresh air working a little in clearing his mind.
She paused, "some of my friends are overly drunk and I figured I'd leave them to it." She paused again and looked over at the young man sitting awkwardly on the pavement, his head not quite sure what equilibrium was, "I was going to just go home when I saw you sitting here, on the pavement in the middle of a cold night."
"I am?" He looked around, then realising the stupidity of his question he laughed, "oh yeah, I know I came out here for a reason, but I can't seem to remember what."
"To clear your head maybe," she suggested with a smile.
"That's probably the one," Tad looked round at the woman who sat beside him. She was young, maybe in her late twenties, early thirties at a push. Her dark brown hair and tanned skin contrasted appealingly to her dark blue eyes. Tad noticed he was staring and looked away.
The woman sitting beside him blushed slightly, and after an awkward pause stood up. "I'd better be getting home," she smiled, then added, "are you staying here?"
Shrugging Tad stood also, swaying a little to each side, but eventually regaining his balance. "I'll probably go home as well, I have a shift at the hospital tomorrow morning. Shit! That's like- five hours away. See, I can still do maths," he added with a quirky grin.
"You're a doctor?" she asked with mild amusement.
"Yes, I think anyway- yes, for about two years now."
"You live near here?"
"Um, yes," Tad paused, thinking, "I know I live someplace near here, but I have no idea where," he laughed at his own forgetfulness, which ironically was due to his over consumption of beer.
"That's a shame, because if you don't know where you live how am I supposed to walk you home and make sure that you're okay?"
Tad thought for a moment, "how about I walk you home, and I worry about whether or not I'm okay," he suggested.
In his drunk state he didn't quite notice the sly smile that momentarily spread across her face, before quickly dissipating.
~*~
As Tad later discovered her name was Kennedy and she didn't live that far away from the city centre. As Tad was able to remember he live quite close to the city centre also, he assumed that she must live near him also. But then, there was the possibility that they lived on opposite sides, but still, they were still quite close. Their fields of work were very different, whereas he was a doctor, she was a diplomat, and concentrated in the Ferengi- Star Fleet area.
As with many of those that lived in the city, she lived in an apartment several floors up above ground level which he walked her up to. She stood by the door, with his jacket hanging from her shoulders, that he had handed her to protect her from the chilling wind, "would you like to come in for a night cap?" she asked, as she unlocked the door to her apartment.
"No thank you, I have work tomorrow and have to be getting back, I think I might be able to catch a few hours sleep."
She looked mildly disappointed, "I'm sure one drink can't hurt," she opened the door up with an arm stretched behind her, inviting him in.
He nodded, "but if I don't get enough sleep, it might affect my concentration at work, which could be the difference between life and death for a patient," he stated, thinking about putting some distance between Kennedy and himself.
As if she knew what he was thinking she closed the distance between them both and brushed her lips against his. Immediately he pulled his head away, "I'm sorry, but I have a girlfriend," he attempted to put a barrier between himself and Kennedy.
Seductively Kennedy brushed her thumb across his lips, and leant forward, whispering in his ear, "she doesn't have to find out."
A shiver was sent down his spine, and seemed to engulf his body, in a moment he forgot about Seven and followed Kennedy into her apartment. The feeling in the pit of his stomach told him to leave, but a force that he was unable to explain trapped him inside. The force wasn't lust or any kind of sexual desire, but merely the thought that leaving would drain all of the happiness from his soul, and the only way to hold onto that was to stay with Kennedy. She wasn't happiness, he knew that, but a part of him knew she was some form of threat, a threat of what he didn't know.
Each time their skin made contact he felt as if he had been plunged into a cold bath, and as their physical contact became more intense it felt as if his head had been dunked under the cold water and was being held there. It was not someone or something that held his head under in this complex visual feeling, but it was he himself that would not allow his head to rise out of the water to take a breath, it was as if he didn't want to breathe, didn't want to live. But his lungs told him that he had to inhale, and now every time that he breathed he took a lungful of water. The water burned his lungs, and overwhelmed him.
There was no longer any air holding his torso up and so he sank to the bottom of the bath. And as he did so his life seemed to slip away from him. In the cold, icy water the vibrations from a forgotten world consumed his body, the sound from air fell aimlessly into the water, and was horrendously distorted. His eyes closed and only the feeling that something was on his shoulder could be felt, and suddenly he remembered Annika.
The temperature dropped and he shivered, it was surprising he still had the energy to shiver, but he thought if he shivered enough all bad feelings would leave him, and when they were gone, good feelings would return to him. Like Annika. But she was gone, or she was leaving, he wasn't quite sure, he did know that every one that he loved left him, it was a curse. He didn't like curses, they reminded him of the pressure on his chest, a terrible thumping that he was unable to explain.
His eyes weren't ready to open, but some one told him that he should. It told him with every hand that crushed his chest, or every contact that was made to his lips, but he didn't want to open his eyes, because he was afraid of what he might see. Who's eyes would he see if he opened them? He would rather see none than any at all, because at least if there weren't any then there was no one to love or fear. And if there was no fear or love then there would be no pain.
Each lung collapsed in on itself, but what use were empty lungs if there was no heart beat? And then he heard it, in his head, a fast and panicking beat of a heart, his heart. The pressure on the side of his neck that had many times been placed there expecting a response heard it also, and again the plea was made for him to open his eyes. There was nothing left to lose he decided as he almost choked again on the water leaving his mouth. And so he opened his eyes.
He almost cried with happiness when he saw that the eyes that locked with his were familiar and friendly, he knew them instantly of those of his lover. But they were not happy to see him as he was to see them, they averted quickly from the gaze of his own face, and as he searched back in his memory for that moment he realised they were worried and scared. He knew it would happen, he only caused pain, that was all that he had ever done, he understood that now. He knew that the moment Annika had pulled him out of that bath and breathed life into his almost corpse that the pain he would cause others would be unbearably intense.
~*~
End of Chapter 11
Chapter 11: Cause to live my life extended
San Francisco, September 19th 2379.
He hated arguing, he would do everything in his power to avoid an argument if he thought that it was possible. He didn't want to argue now, and so made to leave. Seven blocked his path, "how do you know her?" she asked again, her voice cold and ready for another round.
Tad sighed pinching the bridge of his nose, "Annika, I've told you already, I don't know her, I was just told to pass a message along to her, and I did, end of story."
"You're lying," she accused. He shot her a look, although he resented the accusation he knew it was true, he didn't just know Kathryn Janeway, he had lived inside her. "If you don't know her then why did you hug her?" Tad's jaw hung, he didn't realise that she had seen that, he had just assumed that she had seen him enter the hospital room, ask where Kathryn was and then leave. "And what about your surnames," he cringed knowing what was coming next, "is it just coincidence that you share the same name?"
"What do you want me to say Annika?" he moved away from her and further into the room, sitting down on the sofa, clasping his hands together and resting them on his lap, preferring to stare at the floor than at Seven.
"The truth, how you know the admiral, and what you were doing there." Although she wanted to sit down beside him, she felt that doing such a thing would make her seem weak, as if calming down would let him win, and he would get away without an explanation.
He looked back up at her, he was too tired to argue and she wasn't going to give up. "Kathryn and I are related, yes, so that's why we share the same surname. When my father died when I was five, my mother was distraught, and due to circumstances I guess I grew closer to Kathryn than I did to my mother." It wasn't totally a lie, although it wasn't exactly fair of him to allow Seven to believe that his mother and Kathryn were two separate people, he couldn't exactly tell her that Kathryn was his mother, Intelligence would have his neck, or worse- Seven's. The truth was that in many ways Kathryn was more of a friend than the typical mother stereotype, and he guessed that in some abstract way it could have been partly to do with the death of his father.
Seven relaxed her stance, "your father," she said quietly, it was one of the first times that he had mentioned anything about his past life.
"Yes," Tad said exasperatedly, then shifted his body to one side of the sofa, in the hope that Seven may decide to sit next to him. She saw this manoeuvre and so made her way over to him. "I guess I'm the closest thing Kathryn has to a son," it was the truth, partially, but saying the words he remembered that he no longer was the closest thing to a son for her, there was Aaron now as well.
She sat beside him, "what were you there for?" she asked.
He ran a hand through his hair, "something happened to my younger sister, I thought I should tell her, I'm sorry next time I'll check with you," he added, suddenly aware of how harsh he sounded.
"I'm sorry," she put a hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away from her and stood. "Where are you going?" she started after him as he made his way from her and to the coat rack.
"I said that I was going to meet a group of friends, I have to leave now or I'll be late," he said as he took his jacket from the rack, purposely keeping his back to her.
"You're sister," Seven attempted to make him stay by showing some concern, "is she okay."
Tad turned round, "I don't have a sister," he lied, "remember that if anyone asks you." He didn't want to elaborate, and was thankful that Seven didn't ask him to do so as he left his apartment. Seven stared at the door after him, not quite sure of what to say, and not quite sure what he had meant when he had left.
~*~
San Francisco, Later that night
For Tad, going to the bar and getting pissed wasn't an everyday venture for him. He would often drink a glass of wine with an evening meal out of habit or on social occasions when most others were drinking, but he never felt the need to binge drink. However, two of his friends from his old university had dropped by, and after some persuasion he had agreed to go out with them. Even after they had managed to persuade him that he should go with them on a pub crawl, he had only agreed with the original intention that he would not drink alcohol. However, with everything that had happened, he momentarily forgot that he had a hospital shift the next morning and drunk himself into a stupor.
Tad blinked heavily, and tried to remember whether the world had always been distorted and upside down, or if it was just a recent modification to reality. When he took this question of his two friends Vince and Larry, they both gave him different answers. Vince's was something along the lines of: "Nah, sit's probly jus' you." The common translation of this phrase is: "I think you have knocked your head, and may have concussion, either that or you really are completely pissed. Either way I believe that it may be in your best interests to seek medical advice."
Larry gave him a slightly different answer: ".-.-.-." Well, by the time Tad had gotten round to asking Larry, he was on the floor in fits of laughter, why he was laughing no one was exactly sure, but the fact was that he was laughing.
Giving up on his two friends Tad made his way outside into the dark street in the hope that fresh air may clear his mind. He sat at the edge of the pavement looking up and down the empty street. "Are you okay?" a soft feminine voice asked from behind him.
Clumsily he looked around, he saw a figure standing behind him, but the details were unclear. "I'm fine," he looked back round.
There was a moments silence, then he felt the movement from behind him move to the side as she sat down beside him on the pavement. "You don't look okay," she said hugging her knees partially because it was cold and partially to prevent the vengeful gust of wind blowing her skirt in all directions.
He looked round at her, "I think that I might be a little drunk," he stated. "It's weird though, I can still do maths, so I can't be that drunk."
"I think a lot of people can still do maths when they're drunk, it's just very few admit to it," she laughed, a wisp of her long dark brown hair falling momentarily over her face, before she tucked it behind her ear.
"What are you doing here at this time of night?" Tad asked, the fresh air working a little in clearing his mind.
She paused, "some of my friends are overly drunk and I figured I'd leave them to it." She paused again and looked over at the young man sitting awkwardly on the pavement, his head not quite sure what equilibrium was, "I was going to just go home when I saw you sitting here, on the pavement in the middle of a cold night."
"I am?" He looked around, then realising the stupidity of his question he laughed, "oh yeah, I know I came out here for a reason, but I can't seem to remember what."
"To clear your head maybe," she suggested with a smile.
"That's probably the one," Tad looked round at the woman who sat beside him. She was young, maybe in her late twenties, early thirties at a push. Her dark brown hair and tanned skin contrasted appealingly to her dark blue eyes. Tad noticed he was staring and looked away.
The woman sitting beside him blushed slightly, and after an awkward pause stood up. "I'd better be getting home," she smiled, then added, "are you staying here?"
Shrugging Tad stood also, swaying a little to each side, but eventually regaining his balance. "I'll probably go home as well, I have a shift at the hospital tomorrow morning. Shit! That's like- five hours away. See, I can still do maths," he added with a quirky grin.
"You're a doctor?" she asked with mild amusement.
"Yes, I think anyway- yes, for about two years now."
"You live near here?"
"Um, yes," Tad paused, thinking, "I know I live someplace near here, but I have no idea where," he laughed at his own forgetfulness, which ironically was due to his over consumption of beer.
"That's a shame, because if you don't know where you live how am I supposed to walk you home and make sure that you're okay?"
Tad thought for a moment, "how about I walk you home, and I worry about whether or not I'm okay," he suggested.
In his drunk state he didn't quite notice the sly smile that momentarily spread across her face, before quickly dissipating.
~*~
As Tad later discovered her name was Kennedy and she didn't live that far away from the city centre. As Tad was able to remember he live quite close to the city centre also, he assumed that she must live near him also. But then, there was the possibility that they lived on opposite sides, but still, they were still quite close. Their fields of work were very different, whereas he was a doctor, she was a diplomat, and concentrated in the Ferengi- Star Fleet area.
As with many of those that lived in the city, she lived in an apartment several floors up above ground level which he walked her up to. She stood by the door, with his jacket hanging from her shoulders, that he had handed her to protect her from the chilling wind, "would you like to come in for a night cap?" she asked, as she unlocked the door to her apartment.
"No thank you, I have work tomorrow and have to be getting back, I think I might be able to catch a few hours sleep."
She looked mildly disappointed, "I'm sure one drink can't hurt," she opened the door up with an arm stretched behind her, inviting him in.
He nodded, "but if I don't get enough sleep, it might affect my concentration at work, which could be the difference between life and death for a patient," he stated, thinking about putting some distance between Kennedy and himself.
As if she knew what he was thinking she closed the distance between them both and brushed her lips against his. Immediately he pulled his head away, "I'm sorry, but I have a girlfriend," he attempted to put a barrier between himself and Kennedy.
Seductively Kennedy brushed her thumb across his lips, and leant forward, whispering in his ear, "she doesn't have to find out."
A shiver was sent down his spine, and seemed to engulf his body, in a moment he forgot about Seven and followed Kennedy into her apartment. The feeling in the pit of his stomach told him to leave, but a force that he was unable to explain trapped him inside. The force wasn't lust or any kind of sexual desire, but merely the thought that leaving would drain all of the happiness from his soul, and the only way to hold onto that was to stay with Kennedy. She wasn't happiness, he knew that, but a part of him knew she was some form of threat, a threat of what he didn't know.
Each time their skin made contact he felt as if he had been plunged into a cold bath, and as their physical contact became more intense it felt as if his head had been dunked under the cold water and was being held there. It was not someone or something that held his head under in this complex visual feeling, but it was he himself that would not allow his head to rise out of the water to take a breath, it was as if he didn't want to breathe, didn't want to live. But his lungs told him that he had to inhale, and now every time that he breathed he took a lungful of water. The water burned his lungs, and overwhelmed him.
There was no longer any air holding his torso up and so he sank to the bottom of the bath. And as he did so his life seemed to slip away from him. In the cold, icy water the vibrations from a forgotten world consumed his body, the sound from air fell aimlessly into the water, and was horrendously distorted. His eyes closed and only the feeling that something was on his shoulder could be felt, and suddenly he remembered Annika.
The temperature dropped and he shivered, it was surprising he still had the energy to shiver, but he thought if he shivered enough all bad feelings would leave him, and when they were gone, good feelings would return to him. Like Annika. But she was gone, or she was leaving, he wasn't quite sure, he did know that every one that he loved left him, it was a curse. He didn't like curses, they reminded him of the pressure on his chest, a terrible thumping that he was unable to explain.
His eyes weren't ready to open, but some one told him that he should. It told him with every hand that crushed his chest, or every contact that was made to his lips, but he didn't want to open his eyes, because he was afraid of what he might see. Who's eyes would he see if he opened them? He would rather see none than any at all, because at least if there weren't any then there was no one to love or fear. And if there was no fear or love then there would be no pain.
Each lung collapsed in on itself, but what use were empty lungs if there was no heart beat? And then he heard it, in his head, a fast and panicking beat of a heart, his heart. The pressure on the side of his neck that had many times been placed there expecting a response heard it also, and again the plea was made for him to open his eyes. There was nothing left to lose he decided as he almost choked again on the water leaving his mouth. And so he opened his eyes.
He almost cried with happiness when he saw that the eyes that locked with his were familiar and friendly, he knew them instantly of those of his lover. But they were not happy to see him as he was to see them, they averted quickly from the gaze of his own face, and as he searched back in his memory for that moment he realised they were worried and scared. He knew it would happen, he only caused pain, that was all that he had ever done, he understood that now. He knew that the moment Annika had pulled him out of that bath and breathed life into his almost corpse that the pain he would cause others would be unbearably intense.
~*~
End of Chapter 11