This is a random little fic, inspired by the craziness that is New Year.
*thinks* And also by the fact that I'd rather be doing anything else but
revision. *tilts head* And that I haven't written a fic in ages. Oh, and
the usual, these characters, the place, the terms etc aren't mine I'm not
earning any money from this blah blah blah J.K. Rowling's blah. Also, this
is a smut-free fic, but there is implied smut. Hope this aint a problem.
Well anyway, here it is, my first Potter fic, full of red herrings and a particularly vicious Snape. In a red herring costume. *mental image* Okay, I am SO putting that in somewhere! Enjoy, and happy new year!
Chapter 1:
"Last lesson before Christmas!" grinned Harry as he settled into the seat beside Ron.
"Yeah," shrugged the red-haired boy, "but why does it have to be double Potions?"
Harry grinned again at the crestfallen look on his friend's face. "Yeah, I know how you feel. But just think, in two hours' time we can be out of here, and go have that snowball fight with Hagrid!"
"But Ginny said Snape's been in a really foul mood all week," Ron persisted, his freckled face looking panicked.
"You know what I reckon?" asked Harry quietly, leaning closer to his friend with a smirk on his face. "I reckon he's...sexually frustrated."
Ron burst out laughing. "Yeah, you're probably right. Can you really see anyone wanting to...get intimate with him?" He stopped for a moment and his face contorted. "Eww, mental image of him and McGonagall...no, I agree, he's been sexually frustrated ever since you-know-who came back..." He stared at Harry's blank expression. "No, not you-know-who! You-Know-Who!" He nodded meaningfully. "You know-"
"Potty, Weasel," interrupted Draco Malfoy, sauntering over to their desk, greeting each of them with a nod. "As Potty seems to have a mouth as big as his head, I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying. Yes, I should be quaking with fear if I were you. Severus is indeed in a very nasty mood this week, and if any annoying gryffindors should step one toe out of line, he will punish them like never before!" He smirked, starting to return to his seat.
"Oi, Ferret-boy," yelled Ron, "since when have you and Snape been on first name terms?"
Malfoy went an interesting shade of purple. "I...I meant, of course...erm..."
Harry leapt to his feet, clasping his hands in front of his chest. "CAAAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEEEL THE LOOOOOOOOVE TONIGHT?" he sang outrageously, fluttering his eyelashes.
The classroom erupted into laughter as Ron stood up next to him, arms out dramatically as he tried to stay in tune. "That smells like rotten cheeeeeeeeeeeeese!"
They glanced at each other, grinned, and sang in two-part harmony, "Stealing through Snape's PUUUUUUUUUURPLE UNDERWEAR, Malfoy knows Snaaaaaaaaape has FLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAS!!!"
They bowed, expecting tumultuous applause, whistles, or catcalls.
What they didn't expect was the silken, soft, and yet furiously angry voice from behind them that said, "That, I believe, is worth thirty points off gryffindor."
Harry and Ron stayed totally still, their arms still outstretched operatically. "Do you think he saw us yet?" muttered Harry out of the corner of his mouth.
"Nah, mate," replied Ron through gritted teeth as he balanced precariously on one leg. "Just stand still, and perhaps he won't notice us."
"Thirty points each," came that nasal voice, now shaking with fury.
Harry and Ron whirled round to come face to...well, nose, with Professor Snape. They started to gabble.
"Sorry, Professor Snape, sir, we were, we were just, erm, practicing, for the school, erm production, er, of the Loin king, I mean the Lion king, erm, Professor we're so sorry..."
They lapsed into silence under his scathing stare. "Sit down!" he hissed. "If I see you out of your seats again this lesson you'll lose fifty!" He then turned sharply at the sound of the dungeon door opening.
"Miss Granger, perhaps you would be so kind as to tell me why you are two- and-a-half minutes late for my lesson?" he asked coldly, striding menacingly over to her.
"Sorry, Professor Snape, sir," she squeaked, clutching her bag to her as if it could offer some protection, "but Hannah Abbott fell down the-"
"I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses, Granger," he interrupted with a snarl. "Ten points from gryffindor. Now go and sit down and try not to knock anything over."
"But, sir," she protested, "She hurt-"
"No excuses, Miss Granger!" he repeated, smiling nastily at her. "Or it will be another ten!"
"But she hurt-"
"Ah?" he cautioned, raising a finger.
"-she hurt her leg and-"
"Ah?"
"-and I had to take her-"
"Ah?"
"-take her to the-"
"Ah?"
"-hospital wing and-"
"That's already forty points off of gryffindor," he butted in again. "That means you and your delightfully operatic friends have lost one-hundred-and- ten points in two minutes for your house. Are you sure you want to lose any more?"
With tear-filled eyes, Hermione hurried off to her seat. With a malicious smile on his pasty face Snape slammed the door, and swept between the aisles of desks. Before he got half way, though, a voice called out, "Erm, Professor..."
He turned irritably and saw Harry half out of his chair. "Yes, Potter?" he spat, glaring at the irritating boy.
Harry gulped, but knew he had to speak out or face getting into bigger trouble later. "Er, I noticed you have a...a thing on you..." he said vaguely, his adam's apple bobbing nervously.
"What nonsense is this, Potter?"
"Sorry, sir, I noticed as you walked past..." Unable to get his words out, Harry stood and snatched something papery off the back of Snape's robes, where it had been stuck on with sellotape. Snape snatched it back off him and read aloud,
"Snape and Draco, sitting in a tree, L-I-C..."
He stopped, a revolted expression appearing on his face. "Fifty points from gryffindor, Mr Potter," he said furiously, striding up to the front of the class.
"What?" Harry exclaimed hotly, his black eyebrows fusing together like mating caterpillars. "I didn't put it there!"
Snape prodded the parchment with his wand to make it burst into flame, and glared at Harry as if he wished he could do the same. "I know, but I told you earlier that I would deduct fifty points if I saw you out of your seat again by the end of the lesson!"
* * *
"Oh, God," moaned Harry, Ron and Hermione simultaneously as they viewed the giant hourglasses after Christmas dinner. Slytherin's glass was half-empty, Ravenclaw's glass had only a few handfuls of sapphires inside, and Hufflepuff's was empty. But where Gryfiindor's had used to stand was a mess of twisted and blackened glass, and a deep crater from the explosion.
Almost the entire school stood in silence, looking at the result of Snape's furious temper.
"He's finally cracked!" moaned Harry.
"He's done his nut!" whispered Ron.
"He's off his rocker!" gasped Neville.
"He's got a screw loose!" groaned Ginny.
"He's insane!" said Hermione.
Everyone turned to look at her. "Yeah, like, state the obvious Hermione!" remarked Dean Thomas, rolling his eyes. "At least the author could be bothered to find interesting ways for us to say it!"
There was a moment of silence.
"But he can't do this!" cried Alicia Spinnet.
"He's way outta line!" hissed Lee Jordan.
"He's abusing his power!" agreed Ernie Macmillan.
"He's going DOWN!" yelled a voice.
Draco Malfoy was shaking with anger, standing in front of the Slytherin glass. "He's, he's even taken points off his own house!" he murmured, his voice unbelieving. "The psycho!"
He turned to the rest of them. "Do we all agree that Snape has gone too far?"
"Yes!" came the yelled reply, and students punched their fists in the air.
"Do we all agree that he is sexually frustrated?"
"Yes!"
"Do we all agree to help stop him before this gets any worse?"
"Yes!"
"Do we all agree he has a nice arse?"
"Ye- what?!"
"I mean, do we all agree that something needs to be done?"
"Yes!"
Malfoy paused, scanning the circle of faces. Then he grinned sheepishly. "You'd think I had a point, wouldn't you?"
Harry shot him a despairing glance, and asked the crowd, "Well, any ideas?"
Cho Chang stood forward from the throng. (Yes, that was throng, not thong, I know how your dirty minds work!)
"This new temper of his, we have agreed, is due to his sexual frustration. We must find out who it is attached to, and urge Snape to seek them out and quell his rising anger!"
There was an immediate roar of approval.
Justin Finch-Fletchley raised his voice. "I vote we send several people to come into contact with him, ask him innocent-seeming questions, while we watch the effects from afar. Then we can work out who he likes!"
Everyone seemed to be in favour of the idea, so the students quickly got down to the business of deciding who would talk to Snape...
* * *
Severus Snape strode pensively along the corridors, his robes billowing out behind him. As he reached the corner, Hermione Granger appeared seemingly from nowhere, her head turned the other way, and promptly crashed straight into him sending both of them, and armfuls of books, bowling over onto the stone floor.
Hermione uttered a little shriek and immediately started to apologise. Snape, however, beat her to it.
"I am so sorry, Miss Granger," he said without seeming to think about it. "Here, let me give you a hand with those."
Hermione stared at him for a second, mouth agape. Then she blinked several times, and watched uncomprehendingly as he picked up her books and handed them to her with a flourish.
"I trust you are not injured, Miss Granger?" he asked with a concerned tone as she simply stared at them. "Maybe I should examine you," he continued, raising an eyebrow.
Hermione grabbed her books, shaking her head furiously. "No, thank you Prosessnose Flape, I mean Processedmeat Snail, I mean, sir!" She turned to go, and he saw her glance quickly up at the corner of the room.
So, he thought with a grim smile, they're spying on me, is that it? Well, they'll never find out anything about me...anything true, at least. I'll give her lots of things to report back to her little friends about. I'll lead them a merry dance before they come close to finding the truth about Severus Snape! Up and down, up and down, I shall lead them up and down! Through the mists and flowerbanks-
"Er, Professor, are you alright? You seem to be dancing round in a circle like a goblin, rubbing your hands together and muttering gleefully to yourself."
Snape paused from where he was about to leap again, his bandy leg extended and toes pointed. Then he coughed and jumped into a far more normal position.
"Ahem. Yes, quite alright thank you, Hermione. Be on your way now." He paused with a sly smile, seeing the effect of using her first name flicker in the set of her face. Then, to his gratified surprise, she mastered it, nodded a goodnight to him, and turned to go.
Now for the final touch, he thought evilly. With a sudden leap he lunged forward and slapped Hermione's behind sharply.
She jumped, screamed like a firework, and dropped her books again.
"Good night, Hermione," he whispered silkily in her ear, and strode away humming to himself.
Well anyway, here it is, my first Potter fic, full of red herrings and a particularly vicious Snape. In a red herring costume. *mental image* Okay, I am SO putting that in somewhere! Enjoy, and happy new year!
Chapter 1:
"Last lesson before Christmas!" grinned Harry as he settled into the seat beside Ron.
"Yeah," shrugged the red-haired boy, "but why does it have to be double Potions?"
Harry grinned again at the crestfallen look on his friend's face. "Yeah, I know how you feel. But just think, in two hours' time we can be out of here, and go have that snowball fight with Hagrid!"
"But Ginny said Snape's been in a really foul mood all week," Ron persisted, his freckled face looking panicked.
"You know what I reckon?" asked Harry quietly, leaning closer to his friend with a smirk on his face. "I reckon he's...sexually frustrated."
Ron burst out laughing. "Yeah, you're probably right. Can you really see anyone wanting to...get intimate with him?" He stopped for a moment and his face contorted. "Eww, mental image of him and McGonagall...no, I agree, he's been sexually frustrated ever since you-know-who came back..." He stared at Harry's blank expression. "No, not you-know-who! You-Know-Who!" He nodded meaningfully. "You know-"
"Potty, Weasel," interrupted Draco Malfoy, sauntering over to their desk, greeting each of them with a nod. "As Potty seems to have a mouth as big as his head, I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying. Yes, I should be quaking with fear if I were you. Severus is indeed in a very nasty mood this week, and if any annoying gryffindors should step one toe out of line, he will punish them like never before!" He smirked, starting to return to his seat.
"Oi, Ferret-boy," yelled Ron, "since when have you and Snape been on first name terms?"
Malfoy went an interesting shade of purple. "I...I meant, of course...erm..."
Harry leapt to his feet, clasping his hands in front of his chest. "CAAAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEEEL THE LOOOOOOOOVE TONIGHT?" he sang outrageously, fluttering his eyelashes.
The classroom erupted into laughter as Ron stood up next to him, arms out dramatically as he tried to stay in tune. "That smells like rotten cheeeeeeeeeeeeese!"
They glanced at each other, grinned, and sang in two-part harmony, "Stealing through Snape's PUUUUUUUUUURPLE UNDERWEAR, Malfoy knows Snaaaaaaaaape has FLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAS!!!"
They bowed, expecting tumultuous applause, whistles, or catcalls.
What they didn't expect was the silken, soft, and yet furiously angry voice from behind them that said, "That, I believe, is worth thirty points off gryffindor."
Harry and Ron stayed totally still, their arms still outstretched operatically. "Do you think he saw us yet?" muttered Harry out of the corner of his mouth.
"Nah, mate," replied Ron through gritted teeth as he balanced precariously on one leg. "Just stand still, and perhaps he won't notice us."
"Thirty points each," came that nasal voice, now shaking with fury.
Harry and Ron whirled round to come face to...well, nose, with Professor Snape. They started to gabble.
"Sorry, Professor Snape, sir, we were, we were just, erm, practicing, for the school, erm production, er, of the Loin king, I mean the Lion king, erm, Professor we're so sorry..."
They lapsed into silence under his scathing stare. "Sit down!" he hissed. "If I see you out of your seats again this lesson you'll lose fifty!" He then turned sharply at the sound of the dungeon door opening.
"Miss Granger, perhaps you would be so kind as to tell me why you are two- and-a-half minutes late for my lesson?" he asked coldly, striding menacingly over to her.
"Sorry, Professor Snape, sir," she squeaked, clutching her bag to her as if it could offer some protection, "but Hannah Abbott fell down the-"
"I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses, Granger," he interrupted with a snarl. "Ten points from gryffindor. Now go and sit down and try not to knock anything over."
"But, sir," she protested, "She hurt-"
"No excuses, Miss Granger!" he repeated, smiling nastily at her. "Or it will be another ten!"
"But she hurt-"
"Ah?" he cautioned, raising a finger.
"-she hurt her leg and-"
"Ah?"
"-and I had to take her-"
"Ah?"
"-take her to the-"
"Ah?"
"-hospital wing and-"
"That's already forty points off of gryffindor," he butted in again. "That means you and your delightfully operatic friends have lost one-hundred-and- ten points in two minutes for your house. Are you sure you want to lose any more?"
With tear-filled eyes, Hermione hurried off to her seat. With a malicious smile on his pasty face Snape slammed the door, and swept between the aisles of desks. Before he got half way, though, a voice called out, "Erm, Professor..."
He turned irritably and saw Harry half out of his chair. "Yes, Potter?" he spat, glaring at the irritating boy.
Harry gulped, but knew he had to speak out or face getting into bigger trouble later. "Er, I noticed you have a...a thing on you..." he said vaguely, his adam's apple bobbing nervously.
"What nonsense is this, Potter?"
"Sorry, sir, I noticed as you walked past..." Unable to get his words out, Harry stood and snatched something papery off the back of Snape's robes, where it had been stuck on with sellotape. Snape snatched it back off him and read aloud,
"Snape and Draco, sitting in a tree, L-I-C..."
He stopped, a revolted expression appearing on his face. "Fifty points from gryffindor, Mr Potter," he said furiously, striding up to the front of the class.
"What?" Harry exclaimed hotly, his black eyebrows fusing together like mating caterpillars. "I didn't put it there!"
Snape prodded the parchment with his wand to make it burst into flame, and glared at Harry as if he wished he could do the same. "I know, but I told you earlier that I would deduct fifty points if I saw you out of your seat again by the end of the lesson!"
* * *
"Oh, God," moaned Harry, Ron and Hermione simultaneously as they viewed the giant hourglasses after Christmas dinner. Slytherin's glass was half-empty, Ravenclaw's glass had only a few handfuls of sapphires inside, and Hufflepuff's was empty. But where Gryfiindor's had used to stand was a mess of twisted and blackened glass, and a deep crater from the explosion.
Almost the entire school stood in silence, looking at the result of Snape's furious temper.
"He's finally cracked!" moaned Harry.
"He's done his nut!" whispered Ron.
"He's off his rocker!" gasped Neville.
"He's got a screw loose!" groaned Ginny.
"He's insane!" said Hermione.
Everyone turned to look at her. "Yeah, like, state the obvious Hermione!" remarked Dean Thomas, rolling his eyes. "At least the author could be bothered to find interesting ways for us to say it!"
There was a moment of silence.
"But he can't do this!" cried Alicia Spinnet.
"He's way outta line!" hissed Lee Jordan.
"He's abusing his power!" agreed Ernie Macmillan.
"He's going DOWN!" yelled a voice.
Draco Malfoy was shaking with anger, standing in front of the Slytherin glass. "He's, he's even taken points off his own house!" he murmured, his voice unbelieving. "The psycho!"
He turned to the rest of them. "Do we all agree that Snape has gone too far?"
"Yes!" came the yelled reply, and students punched their fists in the air.
"Do we all agree that he is sexually frustrated?"
"Yes!"
"Do we all agree to help stop him before this gets any worse?"
"Yes!"
"Do we all agree he has a nice arse?"
"Ye- what?!"
"I mean, do we all agree that something needs to be done?"
"Yes!"
Malfoy paused, scanning the circle of faces. Then he grinned sheepishly. "You'd think I had a point, wouldn't you?"
Harry shot him a despairing glance, and asked the crowd, "Well, any ideas?"
Cho Chang stood forward from the throng. (Yes, that was throng, not thong, I know how your dirty minds work!)
"This new temper of his, we have agreed, is due to his sexual frustration. We must find out who it is attached to, and urge Snape to seek them out and quell his rising anger!"
There was an immediate roar of approval.
Justin Finch-Fletchley raised his voice. "I vote we send several people to come into contact with him, ask him innocent-seeming questions, while we watch the effects from afar. Then we can work out who he likes!"
Everyone seemed to be in favour of the idea, so the students quickly got down to the business of deciding who would talk to Snape...
* * *
Severus Snape strode pensively along the corridors, his robes billowing out behind him. As he reached the corner, Hermione Granger appeared seemingly from nowhere, her head turned the other way, and promptly crashed straight into him sending both of them, and armfuls of books, bowling over onto the stone floor.
Hermione uttered a little shriek and immediately started to apologise. Snape, however, beat her to it.
"I am so sorry, Miss Granger," he said without seeming to think about it. "Here, let me give you a hand with those."
Hermione stared at him for a second, mouth agape. Then she blinked several times, and watched uncomprehendingly as he picked up her books and handed them to her with a flourish.
"I trust you are not injured, Miss Granger?" he asked with a concerned tone as she simply stared at them. "Maybe I should examine you," he continued, raising an eyebrow.
Hermione grabbed her books, shaking her head furiously. "No, thank you Prosessnose Flape, I mean Processedmeat Snail, I mean, sir!" She turned to go, and he saw her glance quickly up at the corner of the room.
So, he thought with a grim smile, they're spying on me, is that it? Well, they'll never find out anything about me...anything true, at least. I'll give her lots of things to report back to her little friends about. I'll lead them a merry dance before they come close to finding the truth about Severus Snape! Up and down, up and down, I shall lead them up and down! Through the mists and flowerbanks-
"Er, Professor, are you alright? You seem to be dancing round in a circle like a goblin, rubbing your hands together and muttering gleefully to yourself."
Snape paused from where he was about to leap again, his bandy leg extended and toes pointed. Then he coughed and jumped into a far more normal position.
"Ahem. Yes, quite alright thank you, Hermione. Be on your way now." He paused with a sly smile, seeing the effect of using her first name flicker in the set of her face. Then, to his gratified surprise, she mastered it, nodded a goodnight to him, and turned to go.
Now for the final touch, he thought evilly. With a sudden leap he lunged forward and slapped Hermione's behind sharply.
She jumped, screamed like a firework, and dropped her books again.
"Good night, Hermione," he whispered silkily in her ear, and strode away humming to himself.