Disclaimer: Star Trek isn't mine. Jones is.
I hope all you Jones fans are happy today. It's been exactly a year, to the day, and McCoy finally got around to it…
Chapter Forty-Five:
That Infamous Psych File
When Kirk wandered into Sickbay one afternoon, he found it virtually deserted. Only one person around, and he was fortunate because the one person was the same one he'd been coming to see anyway. McCoy, naturally. The good doctor was leaning back in a chair, feet up on a countertop, deeply engrossed in something on the PADD he was holding.
Kirk watched for a minute. McCoy didn't seem aware that he was there. He was too busy reading something off the PADD and looking mightily amused.
"Something is entertaining you, Bones?"
McCoy jumped, narrowly avoided tipping over his chair, and got his feet down on the floor with speed if not grace. "Anybody ever tell you not to sneak up on people?"
"Anybody ever tell you to watch your back? If I'd been a Romulan…" Kirk shrugged eloquently.
McCoy rolled his eyes. "Sure, Jim."
"Anyway, what are you doing? Reading a holonovel while you're supposed to be on duty?" Kirk suggested.
"This is completely within my job description," McCoy said defensively. "Honest."
"I still don't know what you're doing," Kirk reminded him.
"Well…I've been meaning to look something up for months now, and I finally got around to it." He held up the PADD. "Jones' psych file. I may finally be able to understand why that kid is the way he is. Maybe."
"I didn't know you had something like that," Kirk said with new interest.
"Sure, I've got a file on everyone. I don't always look at them, but they're around."
Kirk stepped closer and peered over McCoy's shoulder. "So what's it say?"
McCoy put a hand over the screen. "Didn't anyone ever tell you this sort of thing was confidential?"
Kirk gave him a look. "I'm the Captain."
McCoy shrugged. "Valid point. But keep it to yourself, okay?"
"Sure," Kirk agreed absently, reading…
Name: Richard Samuel Jones
Rank: Ensign
Posting: U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701
Department: Security
Department Head: Lt. Cmdr. Gray
Date of Birth: 4/13/2243
Place of Birth: Nome, Alaska, United States, Earth
Personal History
Jones was born on April 13, 2243, in Alaska. His father, Oliver Jones, is a marine biologist, specializing in sharks. His mother, Cynthia Jones, runs a bakery. Jones is an only child.
Jones attended school at Millard Fillmore Elementary School: 2248 to 2254. He entered Jonathan Archer Junior High in 2254, to 2257. Secondary education was accomplished at Nome High, 2257 to 2261. In 2261 Jones entered Starfleet Academy, San Francisco, California, United States, Earth. He graduated in 2265, and was immediately posted to the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701.
As a child Jones was in Boy Scouts for three years, dropping out after a traumatic experience involving knot tying. He entered the Pre-Academy Program, Security Division, in the summer of 2257.
Medical History
8/9/2243: treated for colic.
"At least we know his medical tendencies go way back," McCoy commented.
"No kidding," Kirk agreed.
11/20/2243: treated for earache.
1/14/2243: treated for earache.
5/30/2243: treated for the common cold.
"Excruciatingly detailed aren't they?" Kirk commented.
"This is the short version. Doesn't mention treatments, doctor's names, hospital names…you should see the one's my nurses look at sometimes. Want to skip a few years though?"
"Sure."
They scrolled down a ways. When they realized how long it was, they decided maybe it would be best to just look at a few notes here and there.
8/27/2248: treated for influenza.
1/9/2249: broken leg set, after accident with a sled.
4/6/2249: broken wrist set. Injury accounted to fall from a bush.
"A tree I can see, but a bush?"
"It's Jones. Don't ask."
3/17/2252: lotion prescribed for rope burns after accident somehow involving knot tying.
7/8/2252: treated for shark bite.
11/12/2252: treated for incident with the melon.
"Wouldn't you love to hear that story?"
"Sure. You can ask him sometime."
7/9/2257: treated for mild concussion following a fall from a cow.
Kirk and McCoy had to stop for a minute to laugh. After which they took another look at the date and realized that Jones was only fourteen, and that maybe they'd better just skip the medical history and get to the psychological part.
Psych File of Jones, Richard Samuel
First Report of Samantha Nelson, Psychological Evaluator, Starfleet Academy
12/1/2261
I have recently begun my examination of Richard Samuel Jones, first-year cadet. So far, I find him…challenging. I pride myself on my ability to garner a great deal from a client in only one session. I gathered very little information from Jones in our first meeting. He entered, tripped over his chair, and had to be taken to the infirmary for medical treatment. The only thing I gained from that was a determination to see if this clumsiness was a trend.
It is. In our second meeting he somehow contrived to stab himself with a paperclip. He was uninjured, but I have drawn a definite conclusion that things of this nature are habitual. Paperclips aside, we had a somewhat more profitable second meeting. I discovered that Jones has no particular desire to discuss his life with a psychiatrist. He was decidedly uncomfortable on entering. I attempted the traditional and practiced method of beginning with casual details of family and daily life to make him comfortable. We never got into anything of more depth in our second meeting, but I believe that he was, at the very least, less uncomfortable.
As stated, I expect Jones to be…challenging.
Second Report of Samantha Nelson, Psychological Evaluator, Starfleet Academy
3/12/2262
In the past three months I have continued meeting intermittently with Jones. Or rather, Sam. I have yet to determine if there is any particular reason he goes by his middle name rather than his first name; when asked, he just said that Richard reminds him too much of Richard the Lion-Hearted, which seems like a lot to live up to. I am thus far uncertain if he meant it sincerely.
Sam has grown far less uncomfortable in the past weeks, and I have found him to be a very rambling individual. I've made remarkable progress understanding his thoughts by setting him on a topic and letting him talk. He wanders, but that too can be educational.
Sam strikes me as a very nervous individual. I have so far diagnosed him as having eight phobias. The most obvious is Dystychiphobia, a fear of accidents. He has mentioned that he has Acrophobia, a fear of heights. I recently discovered that he has both Paraskavedekatriaphobia and Triskadekaphobia, after he canceled an appointment on Friday, the thirteenth of February. I also suspect that he has Icthyophobia and Spectrophobia, fear of fish and fear of ghosts, respectively. Finally, he has mentioned being uncomfortable in San Francisco, which I have traced to Nebulaphobia: fear of fog.
I hope that with further sessions I will be able to determine the exact reasons for these varying phobias.
Third Report of Samantha Nelson, Psychological Evaluator, Starfleet Academy
8/22/2263
In the last six months I have moved with almost distressing slowness. Sam is not the easiest individual I have ever tried to understand. I have made some progress I believe.
I have definitely observed that Sam has self-esteem issues, low confidence, and a strong desire to please authority figures. Ordinarily, I would account this to difficulty with siblings, perhaps a feeling as a child that another sibling was favored. Sam, however, is an only child. I first observed this two months ago, and until recently was baffled regarding the cause. I think I have finally made a breakthrough though. It seems that while growing up he felt that favoritism was shown towards the family shark. I do not pretend to understand how he came to this conclusion, but nevertheless it seems to have had profound effects on him. This, and the fact that the shark once bit him, would also account for his fear of fish.
I also think I have found the source of his fear of heights. After once breaking his wrist falling out of a bush, he is utterly convinced that going any higher would mean, in his words, doom.
Fourth Report of Samantha Nelson, Psychological Evaluator, Starfleet Academy
10/7/2263
I am continuing along the same lines I was following earlier, and have reinforced my earlier theories, without being able to make very many new ones. I have finally reached a conclusion regarding Jones' clumsiness. There is no reason. He just is. Medical swears it's not a physical matter, and I can find no psychological reason. He's just clumsy.
In addition, I'm beginning to believe that his comment regarding Richard the Lion-Hearted was meant seriously. He mentioned it again, and added that he's never heard of any King Sams.
Fifth Report of Samantha Nelson, Psychological Evaluator, Starfleet Academy
12/20/2263
I have been asked for a recommendation regarding Sam's suitability for a position as a security guard. I have decided to mark him suitable. Responsibility may improve his confidence levels, and exposure to potential dangers may dull his reactions to it. And besides, all I can say is that he's a bit nervous and a lot clumsy, and how many security guards aren't one or the other or both?
Sixth Report of Samantha Nelson, Psychological Evaluator, Starfleet Academy
1/30/2264
After observing Sam for more than a year, I am coming to some final conclusions. He is high-strung and nervous. As to why, for the most part, he simply is. I am quickly realizing that further sessions will accomplish very little. These qualities are so deeply entrenched in Sam's personality that even locating the original causes would probably prove ineffective. They have become so much a part of his psychology that a complete personality change would be necessary to remove them, and that simply seems excessive. I am strongly considering ending the sessions, as they seem to be accomplishing little to nothing.
That was the last entry from Samantha Nelson, Psychological Evaluator, Starfleet Academy.
"Guess she decided they weren't accomplishing anything and gave them up," Kirk mused.
McCoy was chuckling. "You know what happened? He stumped her. She tried, not very successfully, to write it out with fancy nonsense about entrenchments, but the fact is, she doesn't understand him either. Jones is just…Jones. I could've told her that, and without studying him for a year too."
"Yeah." They sat in silence for a long moment, contemplating the Ensign. "So…think you understand him now?" Kirk asked finally.
McCoy shook his head. "No. Not really."
"Good, me neither."
"You know, even though I don't understand him, I should probably add a note. Now that I've looked at it and all."
"What are you going to put?"
"That the kid's nuts."
"You can't put that, Bones!"
"Okay. He's got rotten luck, then."
"You can't put that either!"
"Sure I can. Watch me." McCoy picked up a stylus and went to work on an addition.
Report of Leonard H. McCoy, CMO, USS Enterprise
McCoy paused. "You know what today is?"
"Absolutely noth—oh. You're asking."
McCoy frowned at him. "You're getting paranoid, Jim."
"I wonder why. Anyway, it's the eighth of August."
"Thanks.
8/8/2267
In my opinion as Chief Medical Officer and after observing Ensign Jones over the last year…
"That sounds nice and professional, doesn't it? Though mind you, I'm a doctor not a psychiatrist."
…I have decided that he is a rather unique individual and therefore difficult to classify.
"In other words, the kid's nuts."
"Bones…"
…As a result, my conclusions are not entirely logical, but you cannot evaluate a man by logic alone.
"Have to put that in, don't you?"
"Naturally."
…My conclusion is almost mythological in nature. Some people seem to go through life with unnaturally good fortune.
"I've never noticed that."
"Really? I've known people like that. People whose bluffs always work, whose hairbrain schemes never fail, who come out of absurdly dangerous situations without a scratch…"
"Are you suggesting something, Bones?"
…These individuals seem almost to have been born under a lucky star. Jones wasn't. In the final analysis, he's just a kid who's got rotten luck and knows it.
~~~***~~~
Cameos are still on, in about two chapters I think. I've got about eight of you right now, it's not too late for anyone else! This is going to be interesting…If you could e-mail with a few details like age and description that would be very helpful. Well, I already know what some of you look like, and I guess some have it in your bio, but there's several I don't know a thing about, you probably know who you are.
Sukuru: Warning accepted, consider yourself in! (A description would help, BTW) And yes, giving Jones a sparkler wasn't very wise…
Silverfang: Silver…gotcha. No description necessary here.
Ael: Y'know it's funny. Just a couple of days after I posted the last chapter it rained. And in California too. Guess it is tradition. (And yeah, I know what you're like. ^_^)
Bug: There's lots of us insane Trekkies! It's nice to have somewhere to congregate.
Bookey Hooper: Why are you apologizing? I love all reviews! Send more!
PearlGirl: Back from camp yet? I need another random chapter of "Read This or Else!"
Beedrill: Oops. I did mix up Denise's name. Too many stories… And what do you mean I might know you from Fanfiction? Of course I know you! A description would be useful though.
Happi Froggi: A new person reading. Or reviewing. Either way is good, welcome!
A.M.: I dunno, what's the tradition for Labor Day? I don't think I've ever celebrated…now I'm curious.
Kiri: Congratulations on catching up! I'm impressed at how fast you did it… (No description needed here!)
Unrealistic: A Trekkie fic! Go you! Sounds funny, and yes, you can definitely borrow Jones. Have you read Hunting Eggs, there's a Captain For a Day thing in it. Not to suggest you copied or something, just noting. Now why can't I have a cool dream like that? In my dream last night I was dead, which wasn't as depressing as it sounds but it wasn't much fun either. (Oh yeah, description needed, unless you really do prefer to be a guinea pig!)
Whatshername: Just taking this opportunity to bug you again about posting! (I don't think I need a description, assuming I'm remembering Trek to Madworld right. Whatever happened to that one?)
Emp: Did you recover from dying of laughter? (And I don't need a description for you either…hmm, only a few after all)
One final note: If you're down for a cameo, I'm assuming I also have permission to use your stories. Hehehe…don't worry, I won't kill anyone.