It's funny, the things you remember from when you're young. Or maybe I should say the thing's you're Ireminded/I of.
I never thought I'd be back at Hogwarts. I never thought I'd Iwant/I to be back here. But when Albus asked I could hardly refuse. I needed the money, and with Sirius on the loose I feel more comfortable here. Both for my own safety and for that of James' son.
It has it's drawbacks, however. The memories, of course. Both good and ill, those that reside in my mind and those that still walk these halls in flesh and blood. A gross parody of what I remember from my own school years.
I should be in my office. I know this. It's late in the evening, and he'll be bringing me my potion. Or perhaps he already has, and is cursing me for making him come and seek me out. But I wanted to watch the sunset from the lake. I used to come here often. Usually to do schoolwork, or to simply get away. Or…for other reasons.
I sigh, and rest by chin upon my knees. It's cool in the evening, and wind through the trees is crying softly. Soon the reds and golds that streak the sky-a Gryffindor sunset-will fade to purple twilight. It's truly a sight to behold. I've missed it, I think. My own tiny flat in London has no view save for the bricks of the building next door.
I can hear footsteps, behind me. The dry leaves rustle and crackle, and there is a sense of a presence where one was not before. I don't look. I don't have to. The students are all inside, and no professor is about to drop by and say hello. They are…not comfortable about me.
"You were not in your office."
"No." I don't bother to explain myself to him. I still do not look at him. Not here. I am not entirely agreeable to share this moment with him.
"I have your potion."
"I know." It is always so formal and stiff between us. It is easiest that way.
"And are you planning on drinking it, then?" His voice drips with venom. I sigh, and finally I turn my head to look at him.
"Yes, Severus," I say meekly. I can hardly say no. He has brought it, and is holding carefully as though it contains some sort of precious nectar. I reach for it, and the goblet is hot against my cold hands.
To my surprise he sits beside me, stretching his legs out before him. I watch him, curiously, perplexed smile tugging at the corner's of my lips. "Yes?"
"I wish to ascertain you drink it all, Lupin."
"Of course." I nod to him, memories stirring. We have sat here before, many years ago, under far different circumstances. I wonder if he is remembering as well, as he looks out over the water with what I can only call a bored expression. I swirl the potion, already dreading the taste.
"Drink it, Lupin," he repeats, black eyes flicking to me for a moment.
"I'd like to let it cool a moment, Severus." I pause, and decide not to let the opportunity go to waste. "It's a lovely evening."
"I am not here for a chat, Lupin, I am doing the duty Albus requested of me."
"Of course. Forgive me for attempting to be polite."
He's become more of an arse than he was in school. He was always rough and unpleasant, but…things were different then.
"Shut up, Lupin."
"Let me ask you something." His brusque manner doesn't bother me. Regardless of whatever manner he wishes to affect with me, I've seen him completely undone. I've also seen him fall flat on his face with his trousers round his ankles, and that sort of thing sticks with someone. "How long did you look for me?"
He doesn't answer. He doesn't have to. He came directly here. He Iknew/I I'd be here.
"Why does it matter?"
"Simply curious." I shrug.
"There is nothing between us any longer Lupin."
"I know." He's made it very clear.
"And yet you're here."
"There's more to this spot than just you, Severus." The words aren't meant to be cruel, but honest.
"Is there?" He scoffs, a dry and condescending sound. "Is there Ireally/I?"
"Does it matter?"
Why are we even rehashing this? I sigh, and take a sip of my potion. Gods, do I hate it. I cough, and attempt to allow my senses to adjust to it.
"I suppose not."
What does he want to know? We never spoke after our last day at school. After we…parted ways, here by the lake.
I suppose it's my fault. What we had…it was not a relationship, in the conventional sense. We were quiet about it, and we never spoke of it. It simply happened one day, while he was tutoring me. Hands met, sparks flew, that sort of thing. It was all very torrid and silly, and more romantic in my mind than it really was I suppose.
It was never meant to last. We knew this. Hell, we talked about it. It was just a fling, a clandestine affair. But I was a romantic fool. I still don't know exactly what I felt for him, but a young man's idle mind called it 'love'. I found him by the lake that day-our spot. Merlin, it was horrible. We hardly said more than ten words to one another, but it was enough.
'I love you, Severus,'. Maybe it was stupid to say, but I Iwas/I stupid. And he had turned, lips in a sneer and eyes colder than ice.
'Don't use words you don't understand.'
And that had been that. Until now, here again, in that same place. I take another sip of my potion, and it still burns. I sigh, hugging my knees tighter.
"You're…well, then?" I ask. I feel the need to fill this gaping silence that continues to stretch out between us. He looks over at me again, expression clearly telling me he would rather I shut my mouth.
"As well as can be expected."
"Good." I nod, continuing with my potion. I finish it, and the sky has dimmed to violets and grays. The sun is gone, put to bed for the night, and the moon is beginning to rise. I can Ifeel/I it. The hairs on the back of my neck stand at end and a small shiver runs through me.
"It is late, Lupin. And cold."
I nod. I'm not even wearing a cloak. It was pleasant, earlier. Pleasant enough, at any rate.
Disclaimer: Character's aren't mine, no money is being made.
Warning: Mild slash
Pairing: Severus/Remus
Rating: PG
"Yes. I suppose we should head back inside." I stand, and dust off my robes.
He says nothing, simply rises fluidly and takes back his goblet. "There is more, if you need it."
"No." I shake my head. I suddenly want to be gone from him. I do not like this. It is uncomfortable and cold, and I have no desire for this to impose itself over my memories. I have no illusions as to the man that Severus had become, but I would rather think on the boy that he was.
"Lupin…"
He catches my arm as I turn to go. Against my better judgment, I turn. He is watching me with an expression I find quite curious. Apprehension and distaste mingle in his eyes, and is lips are a thin line.
"I…" It is as though he is struggling with what he is trying to say, as though he is forcing himself to speak. "I am sorry."
I smile softly, and pull my arm from his grasp. Too little, too late.
"Don't use words you don't understand."
With that, I turn from him in earnest and return to the castle.