Missing: I seem to have lost the deed giving me the copyright to Star Trek. If you happen to find it, please send it to me. I'll send you a fluorescent tribble as a reward!
I know, I know…it's been a long time, right? Well, I have the great good (or possible mis) fortune of being a junior this year. I don't know about at your school (for those of you who are in school), but at my school they say that junior year is the hardest. They're right. But here it is, at last, the long-awaited chapter. I did my best with matching writers to characters, everybody got one of their choices… I had to draw out a chart to keep track of everything…who's with who, who wrote what story that will be turning up/has turned up, who has had a scene so far… Because there are so many of you, not everyone has a scene this chapter. Believe me, there is much still to come…in between the history and biology homework, of course.
Chapter Forty-Eight:
Wandering the Enterprise
"So…who do you want to wander the Enterprise with?"
That was the signal for crazed fandom to take over. The characters had no say in the matter. But when the dust settled, things were actually fairly even.
Ael and I laid claim on Kirk. Emp (who is actually a blonde; I blame the mix-up on Fanfiction) and another girl latched onto McCoy; he asked her name, received Rihannsu for an answer, and didn't even try to understand it. Alania claimed "Spockie," and was glaring daggers at Quantum, who had managed to find one original Trek character he liked in Scotty. Also attached to Spock were Beedrill and Alicia. Alicia used to be A.M., who is, incidentally, a brunette. I blame the confusion over her name on Fanfiction. Unrealistic, Doug and Wedge were talking to Sulu and Chekov, while Sukuru was making plans to look up Kevin Riley. Hanakin was deep in conversation with Nurse Chapel, and had Spock been human the looks they were giving him would have made him very nervous.
And so things stood when the doors opened and in came a fairly non-descript, brown haired ensign in a brilliant red shirt.
"Captain, Captain! There's a dragon loose in the Mess Hall! With teeth and claws and teeth and scales and teeth and wings and tee—" He tripped over a chair and banged his head against the table. He sat up, rubbing his forehead. "Ouch."
The writers drew an immediate conclusion; in my story, a red-shirted ensign who could blend with every other red-shirted ensign on the ship, who had just tripped. Only one person it could be. A delighted chorus rose. "Jones!"
Jones was immediately converged on by twelve to fifteen people. He was rather surprised. So was Kirk.
"What just happened?" Kirk asked, confused.
"Well, let me see if I've got it straight," McCoy mused. "They like me better than you, but they like Jones better than either of us."
"There's something inherently wrong in that," Kirk muttered. "Red-shirts do not preempt captains."
"On the contrary, Captain, it appears that—"
"Spock…"
Spock stopped talking.
Things settled out eventually, and we returned to our original guide choices. With the two exceptions of Kiri and PearlGirl, who were willing to run the risk of doom to wander the Enterprise with Jones. Jones, incidentally, had not the faintest idea what was going on, but he did know that there was a dragon in the Mess Hall. With teeth.
"Yes, what is that about?" Kirk wanted to know.
"Depends on whose dragon it is," Ael answered.
"Sounds like mine," I mused. "Teeth and claws and teeth and scales and teeth."
"Yours or mine, let's go check it out."
"Agreed."
"Mind if we come?" Emp asked.
"Sure, it'd be fun," I said.
"Great! Because if it is Ael's dragons, there's got to be some way to teach them my name. Karin's not that hard to say."
"'Karin?'" McCoy frowned. "Did you just change names?"
"No, it's still EmpressLeia, it doesn't change. Unlike some people."
"Speaking of which, what was your name again?" Kirk asked the girl on McCoy's other side, injecting himself into the conversation with great ease.
She grinned. "Caprice."
"There's something I'm not understanding here," Kirk muttered.
He might have pursued the subject then and there, but instead was distracted by the arrival of Kevin Riley.
"Thought I'd come and let you know, there's still a giant purple swirly thing outside," Riley explained. "Are you doing anything about it?"
"Oh yeah, that," Kirk muttered.
"Riley!" Sukuru said gleefully, and latched onto his arm. "Want to show me around the Enterprise?"
He shrugged. "Sure. Has to be a lot more interesting than sitting on the bridge alone while everyone else has a department heads meeting without me."
"Great! Come on, let's go download the swirly thing." Claiming a laptop off the table, they headed out the door.
Kirk made a valiant effort at getting some kind of order. "All right, so much for the purple swirly thing. Bones and I, and Ael, Tavia, Emp and the girl whose name I still can't remember—"
"Contrarywise," she put in.
"—what she said, are going to deal with the dragon. Everyone else going to…wander?"
That was the plan. And, as it was my story and some things are fairly dependable, it seemed likely that Spock, and therefore Alania, Alicia and Beedrill, would probably come along, as the trio tended to stick together. After that very long sentence, let me explain why it didn't happen.
It was all because of the security guard who poked his head in the door. A non-descript guy in a red shirt with a panicked expression. There seemed to be many of them. "There's a rampaging robot running amok in the arboretum!"
Alania and PearlGirl exchanged a somewhat guilty look.
"What kind of stories are you people writing?" Kirk demanded of the group in general. "Don't good things ever happen to us?"
No one answered the question. What answer was there to that, anyway?
"Did the robot have a little red button on it?" PearlGirl asked the red-shirt.
"How do I know, I didn't stop to check!"
"We better check that out," Alania decided.
Consequently, Alania and PearlGirl and therefore Kiri, Beedrill, Alicia, Spock and Jones left for the arboretum, the writers picking up laptops on their way out the door. After that everyone cleared out quickly. For one reason or another everyone went off one direction or another, off to deal with Fanfiction's latest break down. We, meaning the people Kirk listed earlier, headed for the Mess Hall.
* * *
Kirk was having a rough day. You may have noticed that. I did, anyway. Earlier, that is. I wasn't paying particular attention to him at this moment though. He wasn't being neglected though. He was talking to Ael, and getting himself thoroughly confused. Or confuzzed, whichever word you like better.
"Now wait a minute…you're human, right?" Kirk asked.
Ael nodded. "More or less."
He blinked. "How can you be more or less human? This isn't really a halfway deal. Well, maybe it is…I suppose Spock is more or less human, not that he'd admit it. But anyway, how can you, from the 21st century, be more or less human?"
"We'll avoid answering that and just say that yes, I'm human."
"Okay. That's good. That explains why you don't have pointed ears. Now explain to me why you do have pointed ears out of the corner of my eye!"
"Well…would you believe me if I said that it's all because I was beamed up while wearing a Vulcan costume at a Star Trek convention, genetically altered into a Vulcan, taken on as a member of your crew with six other Trekkies, and in the distant future I'll be the captain of a starship named the U.S.S. Star Trek, with all six Trekkies, plus seven more and a couple dragons?"
"Not really."
She shrugged. "Can't explain then."
He sighed. "Maybe I'm going crazy."
"Maybe," she agreed.
"I am not going crazy!" he objected.
"Make up your mind!"
"You weren't supposed to give credence to the suggestion!"
"I don't know though…it runs in the family, remember."
"Only on my mother's side, and even that's only in mild cases of somewhat odd…" He stopped. Stared at her, thunderstruck. "How do you know that?"
She smiled enigmatically. "I just do."
"Do you know that you're very confusing?"
"Yeah. I knew that too."
Kirk wasn't the only confused one at that moment. A few steps farther along the corridor, McCoy was trying to figure out why exactly there were potentially a hundred of him running around.
"So it was all part of a plot to take over the ship?"
"Basically," the author of that piece agreed.
McCoy frowned. "And then there were Klingons, and tea, and Romulans, and why am I getting confused?"
"It's normal," I assured him. "I think I understand it, but only just. It's fun though."
"So the clones vanish when I die?" McCoy persisted.
"Right."
"That was terrible you know, I didn't enjoy reading that!"
Kirk picked up on the conversation there. "Wait a minute, you wrote the one Bones died in?"
She nodded. "Guilty."
"I remember that story, that's the one I got shot in…" He frowned. "And there was that 'squish' line!"
"'Squish' line?"
"The one about Spock dropping out of the air duct and squishing me!"
"Oh yeah. That one. Harmless joke."
"I thought it was kind of amusing," McCoy put in.
Kirk threw his hands up in despair. "Amusing? A girl whose name I still can't remember—"
"Tricksy Hobbitses."
"—is joking about squishing me and you think it's amusing…" He blinked. "Tricksy Hobbitses?"
"Yep."
"There is definitely something I'm not understanding here," Kirk muttered.
Any explanation didn't occur just then though, due to the slight distraction of a loud roar from the direction of the Mess Hall.
"Sounds like your dragon," Ael said, disappointed.
I nodded. "Believe me, I'd have preferred it to be Cobalt too."
We entered the Mess Hall and found a giant dragon with teeth and scales and six legs: the Gap Dragon. His head was raised and he was obviously preparing to steam the hapless red-shirt hiding behind a table.
"Stanley, sit!" I snapped.
The Gap Dragon gave me one puzzled look, and obediently sat.
"Stanley?" McCoy repeated.
"That's his name. Stanley Steamer," I said, opening the laptop and checking into my files. "Ivy named him that. Long story."
"Forget the story, are you sure this downloading idea is going to work?" Kirk asked, keeping a wary eye on the dragon.
"If it doesn't, you can tell him about the corbomite."
It did work though. Simple enough. Click into the Xanth file, Chapter Six, hit download and presto: The Gap Dragon vanished.
One completely random, incoherent, misplaced story element dealt with. Countless still to go.
Meanwhile, other writers were having other adventures.
Quantum Maniac had managed to escape the briefing room with his life intact, and ended up in Engineering, because, well, his guide was Scotty, and where else would you end up? Speaking of Scotty, the two were having something of a disagreement.
"Yer talking crazy, lad," Scotty protested.
"No way! You could do it, it'd be easy! I'll help!" Quantum said enthusiastically.
"But I dinna ken why I would want to."
"It'd be awesome! Haven't you ever wanted to?"
"I'm an engineer, not a captain!"
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"Lad, you can talk 'til yer blue in the face, I'm not gonna take over the ship!"
"Aw nuts…wonder if I would've had better luck convincing Spork…" he muttered.
It seemed probable, or at least possible, that not all of Kirk's problems would be from the story elements.
Meanwhile, there was a robot running rampant in the arboretum. Which is where, if you will recall, the rather large group of Spock, Alicia, Alania, Beedrill, Jones, Kiri and PearlGirl were going. Jones, quite predictably, was somewhat concerned. He was lagging at the back, and being pulled along by Kiri and PearlGirl.
"Uh, if there's a robot running amok, shouldn't we go the other way?" Jones asked nervously.
"No, we have to go get rid of it," PearlGirl said patiently.
"Can't we let the Captain do that? He's good at that sort of thing…"
"He's after the dragon, remember?" Kiri reminded him.
"Can't he do both?"
"No, we're doing it," PearlGirl said firmly.
"Come on, Jones, be brave!" Kiri told him. "We won't let you die!"
I'm not sure he believed them.
Spock, slightly ahead in the corridor, was having his own difficulties. "I still do not comprehend why you would possibly have the physiological structure of a giant bee."
"Because—a beedrill is a giant bee," Beedrill explained, for the second time.
"And because you are called Beedrill, you theoretically could become a beedrill? That is not—"
"—logical," Alania interrupted. "That's what you were going to say, right?"
Spock blinked. "Yes."
"I knew it."
Spock blinked again, then returned to his original tack, apparently feeling safer there. "It is not logical, as the name of an item does not alter that item."
"A rose by any other name, etc," Alicia put in.
"Precisely. If we were to call a rose a cauliflower, it would not become a cauliflower. Unless you embrace the theory of solipsism, in which case—"
"Spock, you're thinking too hard," Beedrill told him. "It was just a joke."
"'Jokes' should not conflict with physical laws."
"He's definitely thinking too hard," Alicia agreed.
"He's Spock. It's what he does. Sort of like what Jones does is panic," Alania added with a glance over her shoulder to where Kiri and PearlGirl were still coaxing Jones along.
Fortunately for Kiri and PearlGirl, they didn't end up having to drag Jones all the way to the arboretum. The arboretum came to them. Or rather, the problem in the arboretum. Or to be perfectly clear, the robot grew tired of running amok in the arboretum and decided to run amok in the corridor. Which explains why, right about here in the narrative, the robot came racing down the corridor towards them. The clump of people scattered. Only Jones need have worried. Maybe it was the shirt. Whatever ti was, the robot immediately set its optical sensors on Jones.
"KILL THE RED-SHIRT!" the robot boomed, and launched itself at Jones.
Jones shrieked, and fled down the corridor, the robot thundering after him.
"That's our robot, all right," PearlGirl said.
"So we're supposed it download it, right?" Alania said.
"Right, and I hope you understand that, because I don't, exactly," Beedrill put in.
"I think I got it," Alania said, opening the laptop. "Let's see, click into "Read This or Else," hit download, and…"
The robot disappeared in mid-bellow. Jones continued running and shrieking. They watched him.
"Well, the robot's gone…" Alania said.
"And so is Jones, in another minute," PearlGirl concluded.
"We should go after him," Kiri decided.
They all might have done that, except that right about them a voice came over the comm to announce that there seemed to be lot of snow and a ski lift in the cargo bay.
"Those would be mine," Alania said guiltily.
They now had two different directions to go. The only expedient solution (Spock's words) was to split up. Spock, Alania, Alicia and Beedrill set off to deal with the snow. Kiri and PearlGirl gave chase to Jones.
Maybe Jones had a point. Maybe it would have been better if Kirk had gone after the robot. He wasn't exactly enjoying himself where he was. Be wasn't exactly having bad time…mostly he was confused. Or confuzzed.
He took a deep breath. "All right. Let me try this again. Your name, please?"
"Ding Dong Damsel," she said promptly.
He threw up his hands. "But it wasn't! Five minutes ago it was something different!"
"Are you sure?" she asked mischievously.
"Yes, I'm sure, five minutes ago it was Psyche. And five minutes before that it was Teddy Bear of the Soul!"
"That one was kind of funny," McCoy put in.
"I don't care if it was fine literature, I don't understand it and I don't like it when I don't understand things!"
"Do you have the feeling he's under too much stress?" Emp asked Ael.
"Definitely."
Kirk ignored them. "If I ask again, am I going to get another name?"
"You could try it."
"All right. What's your name?"
"Dagger of the Mind."
"See? See? What is this?" Kirk abandoned her, and turned to me. "You! You must know! What's her name?"
I know I shouldn't have. I know it was very bad of me. I know that. But…I'd do it again. So what did I say in response to the question 'what's her name?' I grinned. "Exactly!"
He groaned and glared at the ceiling. "Pardon me while I go strangle something through sheer frustration."
"Wait a minute, Jim, let me try," McCoy told him.
"Have fun," Kirk snapped, and stalked off a few paces.
"Okay, let's take this reasonably. I'm not Jim, I'm not going to explode through stress, and I'm not Spock, the word games aren't going to leave me hopelessly baffled. Let me ask, very simply and directly: please explain to me about your name."
We looked at each other.
"Should we try to explain it?" I asked.
"He did ask."
"Okay. Let me try it, I think I've got it all straight." I took a deep breath. "This is Dagger of the Mind formerly Ding Dong Damsel formerly Psyche formerly Teddy Bear of the Soul formerly Tricksy Hobbitses formerly Contrarywise formerly Caprice formerly Rihannsu formerly—" inhale "—Starseeker formerly Stargazer formerly Ensign Expendable. And probably several others I've forgotten. Or you could call her Hobbit of Bree, that's her IM, or Trekkified, that's her e-mail. And she's got about two or three others of each. And I'm pretty sure her real name is something else entirely. Don't ask how we keep track, because I gave that up somewhere around Caprice. She's known generally as the one who keeps changing her name. I call her Whatshername."
Kirk and McCoy absorbed this. "Why didn't someone tell me this at the beginning of the chapter?" Kirk asked plaintively.
"Watching you get baffled and confused is more fun," Whatshername explained.
"WON-derful!"
Just about then we were all distracted—probably fortunately—by pounding footsteps.
"What now?" Kirk asked.
We all turned to see what was coming around the bend now. It was Jones, running frantically and madly. We all scattered out of the way, but Jones had very, very bad luck. He plowed straight into Kirk.
Jones scrambled to his feet with a hasty "Sorry, Captain!" and continued down the corridor, shrieking "Killer robot!" as he went.
Kirk sprawled on the ground, and glared at the ceiling. "Why me?"
A moment and a half later two girls came running down the corridor after him.
"Pardon us," Kiri said.
"Coming through," PearlGirl finished.
They stepped over Kirk without breaking stride, and kept going.
"Where's the robot?" McCoy asked as they went by.
"We downloaded it ten minutes ago," PearlGirl called back.
"Jones hasn't noticed yet," Kiri explained.
They waved cheerily, and continued pursuing Jones.
Kirk got back to his feet. "So what now?"
"We could wait and see if another panicked red-shirt comes around the corner," Emp suggested.
"What are the odds of that?" Kirk asked doubtfully.
"Good thing Spock's not here," McCoy put in. "He'd feel obliged to tell us."
There was the pounding of footsteps in the distance.
"I'm thinking the odds are pretty good," I mused.
"I'm getting against a wall," Kirk said, and did.
A red-shirt came around the corridor, running quickly but not as frantically as Jones. He skidded to a halt in front of Kirk, saluted, announced, "Dragon in Rec Room 3, sir!" and then continued running.
"Guess we're going to Rec Room 3," Kirk concluded.
"Absolutely!" Ael agreed.
So we did. And we found the dragon. Big and bronze, with wings. Not as scary as the Gap Dragon—though still very impressive and a fine specimen of a dragon, and certainly capable of frightening a red-shirt.
"Cobalt!" Ael squealed.
The dragon looked half relieved and half reproachful. "I should have known. This is your fault, isn't it?"
"Who, me?"
Cobalt shook his head. "One minute I'm on that nice planet with the cliffs for flying off of, and the next minute I'm here. Wherever here is."
"You're on the Enterprise," she explained, and immediately had a thought. "You have to meet Jim!" She grabbed Kirk's arm and pulled him forward. "Remember that kid who got eaten by the dragon? This is him!"
Kirk blinked in confusion. "I got eaten by a dragon?"
Cobalt extended a bronze paw. "Pleased to meet you."
Kirk shook it numbly. "Why was I eaten by a dragon?"
"Not you, exactly. An illusory you," Ael said briefly. "That was in the Dream."
"You people are so confusing," Kirk muttered.
"It's not that weird," Ael said, rubbing Cobalt's eye ridge.
"An illusory me gets eaten by a dragon and you think it's not weird?" Kirk shook his head.
"You sort that out, Jim, I'm gonna check with the bridge and see what's going on," McCoy said, walking over to the nearest comm link. He managed to obtain the news much faster and much easier than Kirk managed to figure out why he'd been eaten by a dragon. "Well, we've got a goose named James on deck three—"
"Mine," Emp said.
"Feral bronte leucopsis…" Whatshername murmured, amused.
"—and a lot of natives carrying pottery on deck four."
"Mine," I said.
"So it looks like we'll be splitting up," McCoy concluded.
"I'll stay here awhile," Ael said, eyes on Cobalt.
"All right, it's Tavia and I to deck four, Bones, Emp and whatever her name is today to deck three, and let's hope there aren't too many more story elements to deal with," Kirk finished.
"I'm sure there will be," I said cheerfully.
Dealing with the natives was easy, and, frankly, a bit dull. The natives never were the emore interesting part of those stories, and there was no one in a mask or behind a cactus. Right now, anyway. So the natives weren't that exciting. It was when we headed back toward Red Room 3 that something happened.
The intercom blared, with the chilling words, "Red alert! All hands, battle stations! Repeat, red alert!"
"Damn," Kirk said, and ran for the nearest turbolift.
I looked at him in faint surprise—G-rating, you know, I let him get away with it for a few chapters but he wasn't supposed to be swearing anymore—for a moment, then ran after him. "Wait for me!"
Definitely not the end. Hehehe…
Hopeful Nebula: No idea when you'll get to this chapter, but yes indeed, Kirk was concerned about seeing a gremlin on the wing.
Beedrill: I'm sorry…I can't stand physics. Except in the context of a certain Scottish engineer bending the rules. But if it's your thing, more power to you. And why is forty-seven a lucky number? I never heard that, now I'm curious!
Ariennye: Forty-seven chapters isn't enough? Kidding, more is coming. Obviously.
Captain Kathy: An 'interesting' take on Kirk…I'm sure what my take is. I think he's the best captain in the 'fleet, and I have a hilariously good time frustrating him. And if a part Vulcan thinks I'm amusing, I'm doing okay. Plot bunnies always appreciated, shall keep in mind. And as for a crush on Jones…the armor is probably a good idea. Maybe you could get him to wear some.
Eva: Well, things may become increasingly confusing as I continue focusing on Fanfiction people…sorry about that. Hope you enjoy it anyway.
Unrealistic: Whatdoyouknow, the crazy kid under attack likes it…I half expected him to lodge a complaint. And what am I thinking of doing that scares you to no end? I'm not thinking of anything scary… And yeah, writing for people I don't know much about isn't exactly easy…but I know some about them. Enough to get me through a few lines of dialogue with a character I know very well. And some of these people I know pretty well, you can probably tell who.
Hanakin: I'm assuming you wanted to wander with Nurse Chapel, I don't think you ever said specifically…and so you're actually a brunette? It's a funny old world.
PearlGirl: The poofy hair is not my fault! You guys told me about the poofy hair! Ah well, glad you enjoyed the story, hope you were satisfied to wander with Jones. He's fun too.
Mzsnaz: It's not an issue of being interesting (not that anyone in the story is uninteresting) cameos were based on request…lots of requests…glad you enjoyed.
Alania: Sequel? Good! And you got Spockie, I hope you're happy, lol! : )
Ael: The DRAGONSEZ are back. And I cited Favorite Character Mutilation Syndrome to Emp 'cause she's the one I heard it from. Thanks for the thoughts on what you wanted to talk to Kirk about, it wasn't a really long conversation but it will probably recur…oh yeah, and in 2011 I'll be…*calculates* 24.
Wedge: Doug Adams died? That's sad…even though most of my favorite writers died half a century ago… Postponing homework? Shame! Lol, as if we don't all do it…
Whatshername: Y'know…I enjoy incoherent reviews. And as to the ending of this chapter: TRM, chapters 6 and 14.
Broken Infinity: I don't have any brothers, so no particular experience there… And I'm continuing!
Sukuru: We didn't fix the swirly thing, did we? Next chapter! And in the meantime, I think it's getting increasingly random…
Silverfang: HELP! I don't know who Silver wants to wander with, and you don't list an e-mail! I need to know that! I'll figure something out if you let me know soon!
Emp: I fixed the blonde business…and NOW, I'm posting! Whew, that took a long time, as predicted. But here we go!