Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine.  But one person in the opening scene is!  : )

I know, I know…it's been FOREVER.  Sorry!  School.  It's all my history teacher's fault.  But here it is!  All written in one day!  Well, I wrote the opening and ending earlier, but the rest was all written yesterday.  No time to post, but I'm getting it up today.  Thank heavens for days off!  I focused more on the less major characters in this chapter…a bit of a change.

Chapter Forty-nine:

Fanfiction.net / categoryid = 18

If you ever have occasion to be in a turbolift with Kirk while he's going to a red alert…well, try not to be.  He is, quite naturally, impatient.  No matter how fast the turbolift moves, it's not going to be fast enough.  And he paces.  And glowers at walls.  I suspect it's a lot like being in an enclosed space with a lion (not that I'd know from experience, of course).  The tension levels are somewhat high.

He asked me once if I knew what was going on.  I swore up and down that I hadn't written an attack into the plot.  Other than that and his footsteps, the ride was silent.

Fortunately, from anywhere to anywhere else on the Enterprise isn't a long trip.  We stepped out on the bridge, and it was immediately apparent that this wasn't going to be simple.  There were red lights flashing.  That was normal.  The bridge crew regulars were all at their stations, which would have been normal if I hadn't known that they were all out wandering the corridors.  There was a small and somewhat battered ship on the viewscreen, of no particular style.  That wasn't usual, but fairly normal.  What wasn't normal was the guy in the center chair.

Only a dozen or so Trekkies in the entire world would have had even a chance at recognizing him.  I think I may be the only one who could be sure.  Anyway, I did recognize him, and immediately everything made sense to me.  Kirk was not so fortunate.

Kirk wasn't the first one to speak though.  "Who are you and what are you doing here?" the one in the chair demanded.  Well, maybe "asked firmly" would be a more accurate description.

"Who am I?" Kirk repeated, thunderstruck.  "Who are you?  And what are you doing in my chair?!"

They seemed to be equally confused.  "Your chair?"

"Yes, my chair!"  Kirk noticed the other man's rank and shirt color for the first time.  "And my shirt!"

I'm certain I was the only one who noticed the resemblance between that line and one of Kirk's lines in "Mind-Sifter."  Fortunately, he didn't find it necessary to throw himself at and bodily attack the wearer of his shirt, as he had in "Mind-Sifter."  Good story, "Mind-Sifter."  Also irrelevant.  To continue:

"Look, who are you?' Kirk demanded.  "And you better have a really good answer!"

He drew himself up indignantly.  "Robert Lowell, captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise."

Kirk choked.  His mouth opened and shut, and not a word got out.  For the third time in 47 chapters, he was struck speechless.

"Wait a minute, I'll take care of it…" I said, resting my laptop on the railing around the command deck.  A few deft clicks had me into "Make of a Captain."  Download, point at Lowell, and presto.  Lowell managed one confused expression before vanishing.  The ship disappeared off the viewscreen, the red alert abruptly turned off, and the bridge crew morphed into the secondary crew, who were supposed to be on duty.

Kirk sat down heavily.  "Explain."

"Well…where do you recommend I begin?"

"Who was that?"

"Robert Lowell…Captain of the Enterprise."

He shook his head.  "No.  Robert April, I know.  Christopher Pike, I know.  James T. Kirk, I know.  But Robert Lowell?  Never an Enterprise captain with that name."

"No.  Not exactly.  Definitely not canon."
"What kind of stories are you writing?"

"We-ell…let me put it this way.  Have you ever considered a life of crime?"

"Have I what?"

Enough said.  Moving on to another part of the ship.  Red alert apparently hadn't rung throughout the entire ship—we'd just been, uh, fortunate enough to be caught in the edge of my story and hear the sirens.  But other people were still wandering the corridors, unaware that we'd narrowly avoided (via downloading) a losing battle with a pirate ship.  For example, on Deck Four, Corridor G (no, I don't really know where that is either) Doug, Wedge, and Unrealistic were wandering with Sulu, Chekov and Uhura.

"So, have any luck with the nuclear vessels?" Doug asked Chekov.

Chekov looked very confused.  "What nuclear wessels?"  [A/N: I have a friend who cracks up at the word "wessels."  It's really very amusing…  Ahem.  Irrelevant.]

"Oh wait…hasn't happened yet.  Sorry, never mind."

"Actually, it has happened," Wedge put in.  "It was in the 1980s, remember?"

"What nuclear wessels?"

"True," Doug agreed.  "It was also in the 2280s though, which would explain why he's still asking what nuclear wessels."

"WHAT nuclear wessels?!  Why would I look for nuclear wessels?!"

"Forget it.  I shouldn't have brought it up.  It's just that it was in Alameda."

Chekov was still looking flabbergasted, oblivious to the obvious amusement of everyone else.  "Why would I be in Alameda?  And why would I be looking for nuclear wessels there?"

"And I write a lot of stories that take place around there," Doug continued.

"About nuclear wessels?"  Chekov found the idea somewhat strange.

"No, about Full House."

"I'm so confused," Chekov muttered to himself.

"Right.  Anyway.  Let's talk about Anime!" Unrealistic said cheerfully, if irrelevantly.

"Anime?" Sulu repeated.

"You do know about Anime, don't you?"

"Well, yes—"

"Good.  I figured you would, being Japanese.  It's what makes you cool."

"Uh…thanks."

"That, and you have a really cool sword."

And you can't beat a really cool sword.  Just ask the girls at my Shakespeare Society.  And it occurs to me that I'm injecting quite a few random notes from my life.  Should I stop, or is it amusing?  Anyway:

"Swords are good, but lightsabers are better," Wedge commented.

"What's a lightsaber, and is it in any way connected to nuclear wessels?" Chekov asked.

"You don't know Star Wars?"  Wedge shook his head.  "You're deprived."

And from there launched a conversation ranging from Anime to Star Wars to swords of all types.  I'd follow it along, except that there's a swirly thing in the cargo bay that needs to be dealt with.

As you will probably recall, Sukuru and Riley set off to deal with the swirly thing two chapters ago.  The swirly thing, for those who are uncertain, is giant, and purple.  It also has caused the crew of four shows to be dropped in the cargo bay.  Obviously, something needs to be done.  Which is why Sukuru and Riley wandered in.  And found havoc.

Characters from Next Generation, Deep Space, Voyager, and—strangely enough—Original Trek, were mingling—and arguing—in the shuttlebay.

"Greetings from planet Earth," Spock said grandly.

"You're not human and this isn't Earth," Riker pointed out.

"Don't spoil my line!" Spock snapped.

"I'm sensing frustration," Troi announced.

"This is illogical," Tuvok observed.

Spock greeted him enthusiastically.  "Brother!"

Tuvok looked at him doubtfully.  "I don't think we're related."

"Isn't the 'Brother' line mine?" Data put in.  "I'm always calling my brothers Brother rather than their first name."

"Isn't it about time somewhat from our show got a line?" Bashir asked.

"You just had one," Sulu told him.

"That didn't count."

"Wow.  They're even more confusing in person than in writing," Sukuru commented to Riley.

Riley had a troubled expression.  "I have a strange urge to tell everyone that Kirk's jealous of their graphics."

"Resist," Sukuru advised.

"Resistance is futile," Seven contributed.

"Stop that," Chakotay told her.  "You're not a Borg anymore."

"Says who?  And even if I wasn't, I could still fly the shuttle better than you."

"I was driving it okay!"

"PILOTING!" half the group chorused.

Right about then, if the noise levels weren't high enough already, the doors opened and let someone else in.

"PICARD!!!!"  A six-foot-tall streak raced into the room and glomped Picard.  A glomp being a hug that tends to knock the breath out of the receiver.  Another random note.

Picard looked somewhat frightened and somewhat annoyed.  "Who ARE you?"

"Quantum Maniac!"

"Get off me!"

Quantum leaped to attention and saluted.  "Yes, sir!"  He grinned.  "You're SO much cooler than Kirk!"

"You know, you're an okay kid after all," Picard decided.

Did you know that if you wander far enough along Deck 7, Corridor G, you end up in the cargo bay?  I didn't know that either, and if you're ever wandering the Enterprise I wouldn't take my work for it, but today at least that's what happened.  Doug, Wedge, Unrealistic, Sulu, Chekov and Uhura wandered in the door.

Unrealistic groaned.  "Oh no.  My brother found Picard.  We're all doomed."

At that particular moment, Quantum was busy asking Picard if he had any interest in taking over the ship.

Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura were somewhat confused.  Mostly because they were in the cargo bay.  Twice over.  There were the three from my story, and the three from Sukuru's story.  It was a peculiar experience.

"Do you know anything about the nuclear wessels?" Chekov asked his clone.

The other Chekov shrugged.  "All I know is that WE'RE ALL GOINK TO DIE!!"

"Sixty-one," the two Sulus said in unison.

"That's it.  I'm going back to the bridge," Uhura announced.  "This place is a madhouse."

"I'll come with you," her clone volunteered.

"Maybe you should download," Riley suggested to Sukuru.  "Things are getting a little strange."

"A little?"  Sukuru pulled out her laptop, opened it, and made a few clicks.  Once into "The Purple Swirly Crossover" it was a matter of moments before all non-TOS characters vanished, taking the purple swirly and the clone-TOS people with them.  "Problem solved."

"You took away Picard!"  Quantum was unhappy.  "Now I'm left with Spork…"

"Stop calling him SPORK!!"

We'll draw the curtain on that somewhat messy scene, and catch up with Jones.  Jones had just been caught up to by Kiri and PearlGirl.  They might never have caught him except that in his mad dash through the halls he happened to encounter Silver, who used her magic to bring him to a screeching halt.

Jones wasn't exactly happy about being frozen in place.  And his vocal cords definitely weren't frozen.  "I'm going to die!"

"Jones, the robot is long gone," Kiri told him.

Jones blinked, and looked around.  "It is?"

"Has been for twenty minutes," PearlGirl contributed.

Jones blinked again.  "It has?  I guess I didn't notice."

Both girls groaned.

Silver grinned.  "I've got a feeling it's a good thing I stopped him.  He might have run for a long time."

"Definitely," Kiri agreed.  "Thanks."

The intercom blared out right about then.  "There seems to be a box on Deck Four identifying itself as… 'The Question Box of Doom?'  Right.  Well, if it's yours please come claim it at lost and found, thank you."

PearlGirl looked guilty.

"Yours?" Kiri asked.

"Yeah.  Unless there's other Question Boxes of Doom running around."

"Okay, let's go get it."

"Can I come?" Silver asked.

"Sure, you can help us drag Jones," PearlGirl said.

"But I don't want to go near the Question Box of Doom!" Jones said plaintively.

They dragged him along anyway.

If you've been keeping track (and you probably haven't, but I most definitely have, I've got a whole chart sitting in front of me) there's only one author we've yet to look in on in either chapter.  We'll check on her now.

Hanakin and Nurse Chapel wandered along Deck Two, keeping an eye out for any story elements.  And in the meantime they were talking.

"So how are things with Spock?" Hanakin asked.

Chapel frowned.  "Nonexistent.  Forty-eight chapters and nothing.  Figures I'd be in a comedy, not a romance."

"Maybe you ought to jump ship to one of my stories," Hanakin suggested. 

"Maybe.  There's certainly nothing happening here."

"Unless one of my story elements popped up…maybe we could just leave it here for awhile…"

As it turned out, the story element that popped up wasn't exactly one of the ones they were thinking of.  To tell the story properly I have to backtrack about ten minutes, and explain that Kirk and I were having something of a disagreement.  I stood by my theory that he could have taken up a life of crime.  He didn't agree.  I suggested he produce a character witness.  Which is why he insisted we find Spock.  That wasn't going to be simple though, which we realized when, on asking the computer, the computer responded that Spock was on Deck Five.  And also in his quarters.  Since we were closer to Spock's quarters, that's where we went.  Kirk was stunned speechless for the fourth time in forty-nine chapters on entering.  I fortunately recognized the story, and we called Hanakin via the intercom.  She and Nurse Chapel arrived shortly after.

"So what's the problem?" Hanakin asked.

Kirk broke off his pacing.  "The problem?  The problem is that my first officer is…is…what were you thinking?" he demanded.

"I think it's funny," I volunteered.  "I thought it was funny the first time.  It's still funny."

"Funny?"  Kirk obviously didn't agree.  "Look.  Go ahead," he told Hanakin and Chapel, "just look!  It's insane!"

So they looked.  And they found Spock sitting cross-legged in a rocking chair.  Knitting.  No, I did not mistype that.  Knitting.

Chapel cracked up immediately.  "Knitting!  Oh my…"  She leaned against the wall, holding her side and laughing.

"There is nothing amusing about knitting," Spock said with dignity, clicking his needles along the sky-blue sock he was making.  "It is excellent for clearing the mind."

"Knitting!" Kirk moaned.  "What is the galaxy coming to?"

Spock looked faintly irritated.  "I am passing my free time as I see fit.  I fail to comprehend why everyone must come and observe."

"I think I better download, and fast," Hanakin mused, opening up the laptop.  A click into "What Does Spock Do?" and Spock, knitting needles, and rocking chair all vanished.

Kirk was still not terribly happy about the whole business.  Things could have become unpleasant.  But right about then the intercom decided it was a good time to blare out a warning.  "Red Alert!  Red Alert!  All hands, battlestations!"

"Not again!" Kirk groaned. 

And once again we were off and running for the bridge.  Except that this time there were more of us.  Within two minutes we were on the bridge.  Seemed the story element hadn't felt it necessary to provide a bridge crew, and instead mine had turned up, writers in tow.  They took their places, while all the writers grouped in any corner that seemed out of the way.  Not that there were corners, the bridge being round, you know.

Kirk dropped into his command chair.  "Status?" he snapped.

"Captain, I am reading a distortion in the space right ahead of us."

"Emergency stop, Mr. Sulu," Kirk ordered.  The Enterprise came (figuratively speaking of course) to a screeching halt.  "What is it, Spock?"

"One moment, Captain. The Computer does not recognize this anomaly."

"Give me your best analysis, Spock."

This was beginning to sound just a trifle familiar to me.  I couldn't place it yet though.

"It appears that matter is reforming itself into energy and back to matter again at an almost incalculable rate." Spock hesitated, a slight hint of surprise in his voice. "The space directly in front to us is in some sort of flux."

"Is it moving?"

"No, it appears to be stationary, Captain."

"Hmm."  Kirk was puzzled.  What Spock had just described couldn't exist in space. Known science had just recently been able to recreate what he was seeing here in isolated laboratories. The process was so dangerous that the labs had to be built on asteroids far away from inhabited solar systems.  "How is this possible, Spock?"
"Unfortunately, I cannot say. This phenomena is beyond my comprehension."
"Wow!  Jim, get me a picture of this thing! I wanna frame it and hang it in Sickbay."

It clicked.   I recognized it.  "Oh no.  Not good.  Not good at all!  Very, very bad!"

I was immediately on the receiving end of some strange looks.

"What?  No one else recognizes this?"  I sighed.  "No one else read it, right?  Wait…"  I turned to Whatshername.  "You read it!  It was your fault to begin with!"

"Um…what?"

"Keridwen's story…what was it called?  Not the one with the insane Vulcan, the other one…"

Comprehension dawned.  "The one with the girl who was captain of some ship or other, and—"

"Yes, that one!"

She blinked.  "You're right.  Not good."

"Someone care to fill me in?" Kirk asked, an irritated edge creeping into his voice.

"Later.  Right now, get the ship away from the anomaly.  Highest warp."

"Why, it's stationary, isn't it?  It's not doing anything…"

"It will!"

"Yes, definitely, get us out of here," Whatshername chimed in.

"All right, full reverse.  Warp eight."

"Aye, Captain," Sulu said.

"Now someone tell me about this!" Kirk demanded.  "And why are we running away from it?  Why can't we just download it?"

"Slight problem.  We didn't write it," I said carefully.

"So who did?  Someone must have!"

"Keridwen wrote it," Whatshername volunteered.

"All right," Kirk said decisively.  "Where's Keridwen?"

We didn't quite meet his eye.  "Slight problem.  She isn't here.  She hasn't reviewed this story since the disruptor was pointing at Bones."

Kirk absorbed this.  "All right…seems to me we'll have to ride this out."

"Slight problem.  That would mean dealing with the events of the story until the story ends, right?"

"Right.  How did we get out of this in the story?"

"Um."

"Well…"

"Well what?  We got out of it somehow, right?"

"Not…exactly."

Kirk was giving us a Look.  "If you don't give me a straight answer very soon…"

So we told him.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ALL DIE?!!"

I'm bad, I know.  Another red alert.  I have high hopes of posting much sooner than I posted last time though.  Have to finish this arc up in time for a Christmas chapter, you know.

I'm betting not a soul remembers their review, but I'll reply anyway:

Beedrill: Insanity only understandable to the insane…an interesting theory.  Of course, I've heard that if you can question your own sanity that's a sign that you're not insane…but I think my source on that may be Beverly Crusher, so who knows how reliable that is.  If it had been Bones who said it, that would be different.  Anyway…I'll keep an eye out for the number forty-seven from now on, you can be sure.

AliciaF: blinks  Wow…I thought I was the only one who reviewed stories just to bug the author!  I'm flattered.

AlienAgent: I believe I e-mailed you…

Unrealistic: Well, your brother obviously found the swirly thing…but it's gone now, the world is safe.  And you can tell him I'm seriously considering having him pushed out an airlock.

PearlGirl: Being confused by Whatshername is not an indication of slowness.  She confuses me, and I wrote it.  And my computer has a mind of it's own too.  Heaven help us if they start working together.

Ael: Now would I make a girl download her dragon?  Well, I would.  But not immediately!

Fool of an Elf: Guys with pointed ears are cool!  And a girlfriend for Surak…hmm.

Captain Kathy: It's a bit late, yeah…but I'll see if I can work something out next chapter.  I make no promises, but I'll see.  And I love pointlessness!

Silverfang: I forgive you for the e-mail problem, lol.  And sure it's crazy to wander with Jones.  But why is that bad?

Vest-Button: What an interesting name…glad you enjoy!

Alania: Long reviews are good.  Especially when the reviewers liked the story, lol!  How went it as Vulcans for Halloween?  I was a pirate, personally.

Mzsnaz: Well…I finally had time!  Hope you liked!

Kiri: You will have a story element.  I swear.  Trekkie's honor.

Whatshername: Ah yes.  A random review.  I enjoy it.  Simmons…yes, I do need to put Simmons in.

Bug the Hobbit: Hehe, glad you enjoyed.  I like the name change by the way, have I said that?

Sukuru: Look!  I got back to the swirly thing!  Didn't forget about it!

Emp: Kirk is fun when he gets frustrated…

Okay, that's all.  Reviews much appreciated!