Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. I just like to pretend.
[wraps arms over head protectively] I know, I know…it's been impossibly long, and I'm sorry! I mean it! I'm sincere! But the story didn't want to be written and my muse got tired of it, and all the fruitcake in the world can produce only so many effects…but it finally got itself finished, though not without some really random divergences, so beware…but I hope you enjoy it, and it's insanely long too.
Oh yeah…I really hope FF has straightened out its issues with Author Alert…
Chapter Fifty:
Lost in Cyberspace
As you will recall, when we left off we were in the process of explaining to Kirk that we were all about to die. He didn't exactly cotton to the idea.
"We can't just all die!" Kirk snapped.
I shrugged. "Well, actually…"
"Tell me this story!" he ordered.
"In chapter one, the anomaly approaches."
He nodded. "Okay."
"I think it's chapter two, everybody dies," Whatshername continued.
He shook his head. "Not so okay. What happens in chapter three?"
"You all go to heaven. It was actually quite funny," I mused.
"I don't care if it was hysterical! I don't want to go to heaven! Yet," he added hastily. "So what's in chapter four? We must resurrect somewhere!"
"Um."
"Well?" he demanded.
We looked at each other. No way to sidestep that question, unfortunately.
I sighed. "There is no chapter four."
"How can there not be a chapter four? We're all dead, and there's no chapter four?" Kirk groaned. "Why can't people finish stories that involve me being dead?"
Obviously it was a rhetorical question.
"All right," Kirk said grimly, "there's got to be a way out of this. We just have to find it. How exactly did it kill us?"
I tried to remember the last few lines of the first chapter of that story whose name I still couldn't recall. "I think the Enterprise was flying away faster than light…but the anomaly followed faster. That was the end of the chapter."
"Okay," Kirk concluded, "we'll have to go faster then." He keyed Engineering on the comm. (Scotty, incidentally, was the only character who had apparently gone to his post rather than the bridge.) "Kirk to Engineering. Scotty, are you there?"
"Aye, Captain, what is it?"
"We need to go faster than maximum warp," Kirk said briskly.
There was a pause on the other end of the line. "Ah, Captain, it's called maximum warp because it's maximum…we don't go faster'n that."
"Scotty, I didn't ask if we can do it. I said do it. There must be a way to go faster. And fast, we don't have time to recalibrate the entire system."
Scotty thought about it. "Well now, if I put another dilithium crystal in the center reactor hub…"
"Do it," Kirk ordered.
"I can't. I don't have another dilithium crystal. There's the two in the left hub, and the two in the right. I don't have a fifth one to put in the center."
Kirk sighed. "Two on the left, two on the right, and you need a fifth? Well it seems simple enough to me, Mr. Scott. I need you to add two and two and get five."
I blinked. "1984!"
"No, five," Kirk said shortly.
There were objections from the upper ramp. "Captain, that is completely contrary to all laws of physics and absolutely impossible," Spock said flatly.
"I didn't ask if it was possible, I said do it," Kirk snapped.
"Captain, two and two equal four," Spock pressed on. "They do not and cannot equal five, or three, or any number but four. No amount of saying otherwise will alter that fact. Were that fact to be altered, the galaxy as we know it would collapse, all laws of physics and mathematics would immediately become inoperative, and chaos would ensue. The galaxy would most likely tear itself apart in a great cataclysmic destruction. However, that is irrelevant, as two and two always and forever equal four. They have always equaled four, and they will always equal four. Never five."
I stared at him. "Where were you when Winston needed you?"
Spock blinked. "I do not know any Winstons."
"Didn't you ever read 1984? By George Orwell? I wrote a paper on it for school."
Spock nodded. "An interesting dystopia of societal manipulation. An intriguing, if false, prediction of the future."
"Can we get back to the anomaly?" Kirk asked with undisguised irritation.
"Of course, Captain," Spock said agreeably.
"Thank you. Now, Mr. Scott—"
"I b'lieve I can do it, Captain."
Kirk blinked. "You can?"
Spock's eyebrows shot up and hid inside his hairline. "Two and two cannot equal five."
"No, but they can equal six," Scotty said. "If I cut the crystals into thirds, and then structure them with a top third and a bottom third and space between, the power will radiate between the two pieces just as though there was crystal there. That leaves me four thirds to put in the center reactor the same way, and therefore—"
"Don't explain it, just do it. You've got two minutes."
Well, the long and the short of it (also the wide, the narrow, the fat and the thin) is that Scotty's addition of two and two equaling six worked. We outran the anomaly, no one went to visit St. Peter, and, once far enough away, the phenomena disappeared entirely.
Kirk exhaled slowly. "Well. Glad that's settled. And everybody's still alive."
"Not me," Jones volunteered. "I'm dead."
Everyone turned to stare at him.
Kirk frowned. "What?"
"We just had a near-death experience," Jones explained patiently. "Red-shirts don't survive near-death experiences. So I must be dead."
Kirk sighed. "Jones, if you were dead you wouldn't be standing there explaining to me about your being dead."
Jones considered the matter. He stared at Kirk, thunderstruck. "You're right!"
Kirk groaned, but for everyone else it served as a needed release of tension, and the bridge rang with laughter. However, the short-lived relief was, well, short-lived. In practically no time at all more reports came in of story elements all throughout the ship.
"I'm getting reports of a large-scale grouping in Rec Room 10," Uhura reported.
"We have ten Rec Rooms?" Kirk murmured.
"Seems to be some kind of contest," Uhura went on. "Seems to involve…Tetris. Of all things."
"That would be mine," Unrealistic said.
"Tetris…right. What else?" Kirk asked.
"Also another contest going on…something about caring for lizards, I think."
"Lizards?" Kirk repeated doubtfully.
"That's Bug's," I recalled. "We'll have to get her to come download it."
"Fine, do that. Next?" Kirk prompted.
"Well, we've got a short green guy on Deck Three," Uhura continued. "Bald, with really big ears."
All Trekkies who were also Star Wars fans exchanged looks.
"Might be mine," Emp volunteered.
"Or mine," Ael put in.
"Or mine," Wedge said.
Kirk blinked at them. "You all write about short green guys?
"Well, y'know…Yoda," Emp said by way of explanation.
Kirk shook his head. "No. I don't know. And I don't want to know. What else is wandering around my ship?"
"There seems to be a dragon in Rec Room 3…still."
All eyes turned to Ael, who looked back with complete innocence. "Something the matter?" she asked.
"You didn't download Cobalt," I concluded.
"I will…eventually."
"A dragon. Of course." Kirk sighed. "Why me? Why not some other starship captain? No, don't answer that."
No one had the chance to answer anyway. Because at that very moment a tall, thin, silver-haired, inhumanly gorgeous pointy-eared male humanoid who isn't a Vulcan landed on the bridge. Everyone stared. He stared back.
"May I speak to the captain please?" he asked after a moment.
"That would be me," Kirk volunteered, looking at the sudden visitor doubtfully.
The visitor looked back just as doubtfully. "Are you sure?"
Kirk blinked. "I'm positive!"
"But you're not female."
"WHAT?"
The visitor in question was confused. "Isn't the captain of this vessel Captain Kathryn Janeway?"
"No!" Kirk snapped.
"Hmm. Wrong ship," the still unnamed man concluded, and vanished.
Everyone stared at the empty spot for a long moment, then decided to pretend nothing had happened. It was all FF's fault anyway, of that we could be sure.
"So, any other story elements left?" Kirk asked, determinedly ignoring the momentary visitor.
[A/N: We're going to have a somewhat random divergence now…mostly because that was the only way I could get the story to listen to me at all.]
"Just one. On Deck Two we're getting reports of a somewhat…strange individual." Uhura frowned dubiously. "Scraggly dark hair with beads, beard put into two braids, ragged clothes, long coat, and carrying a banana. Calls himself Cap—"
"CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!" There was a veritable explosion of enthusiasm from most of the writers. Such delight had not been seen since the initial appearance of Jones.
The Star Trek characters were rather taken aback. Spock's eyebrow was definitely on the rise.
"I take it you know this guy," Kirk concluded.
There was a surge of enthusiastic nods.
"So…what's so great about him, anyway?" Kirk asked doubtfully.
He immediately was on the receiving end of many deeply reproachful looks.
I struggled to find a way to explain. "He's…well, he's…he's just…he's Captain Jack Sparrow!" I finally concluded.
Spock frowned almost imperceptibly. "That statement imparts absolutely no useful information."
"Never mind. Deck Two, did you say?" I asked.
"Deck Two, corridor G," she confirmed.
"All right, let's go," I said, and started towards the turbolift.
"Wait, go where?" Kirk asked.
"To see Jack, of course."
"Everyone?"
Everyone agreed that yes, it was everyone. Those who were fans were adamant, and those who were not fans needed to be brought along so they could become fans.
"What about downloading?" Kirk demanded.
Everyone with outstanding story elements and Pirate-fandom agreed that that could wait. Any further protests from Starfleet Crew were ignored as the writers swarmed into the turbolift, hauling their guides along.
* * *
[A/N: And here I'm somewhat hampered by not really knowing (with a few exceptions) who likes Jack and who doesn't. So we're really going to go in a random direction…it should be entertaining though. I have very entertaining friends…]
By the time we found him, Jack had wandered from Corridor G to Corridor E. As the whole group of us turned the corner and spotted him up ahead, Jack had his back to us and was loudly singing.
"Hey-ho, we'll go, anywhere the wind is blowing! Hoist the sails, and sing! Sailing for adventure on the big-blue-wet…thing!" He shrugged. "Well, at least it rhymed."
Someone in the whole large group of us coughed.
Jack turned at once. With no imminent attack or hostility, he decided to be polite. He doffed his hat and bowed. "'ello, mate. Mates," he amended.
There was no immediate response. Most of the group was in the midst of either confusion or a dreamy, glazed sort of silence. Feel free to pick your own group. In the middle of all that silence, I heard the footsteps approaching rapidly behind us. The conclusion I drew snapped me out of my dreamy, glazed state. For a little while, anyway.
"You might want to move," I said, stepping aside and yanking a few people with me.
That just about cleared the way for the speeding rocket—a teenage girl—who raced through and glomped Jack.
"You're Captain Jack Sparrow!" she squealed.
"Um…'ello," Jack said uncertainly.
"Who is this?" Kirk wanted to know.
"That's my pirate-obsessed friend Cate," I said.
I assume that was when he noticed that somehow we'd picked up two extra people with whom he was unfamiliar.
"And who is that?" Kirk asked, pointing at the girl with red-brown hair who was staring at Jack, hands clasped, eyes wide, quietly and steadily saying "Eeeeeeeeeeee…"
"That's Panda."
"And who's this?" Kirk asked, pointing at the girl who was eyeing Jack with a maniacal gleam, tapping her fingers together, and laughing evilly.
"That's Meaghan. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that Jack was turning up in my story," I said thoughtfully. "Things may get messy."
Cate, meanwhile, was still latched onto Jack. "You're…you're…you're Captain Jack Sparrow!"
"I knew that," Jack pointed out, probably wondering how he was going to get this teenage girl off of him.
"You're SO awesome!"
It was the right thing to say to Jack. "I like you," he decided.
It was too much for Cate. "Squee," she said simply, and fainted dead away, leaving Jack with an armful of unconscious Cate.
It seems reasonable to me that Jack would have had some experience with fainting women. Just…because. All the same, he appeared somewhat disconcerted. "Uh…'ello? Luv?" No response. Jack looked around, and after a moment's thought he handed Cate to Spock. "'ere, mate. From me to you."
It seems reasonable to me that Spock would have had absolutely no experience with fainting women. So he stood there rather uncertainly. "Um, miss? I advise waking up." As his hands were full—with Cate—he obviously couldn't tap her on the shoulder, though it was clear that he dearly wanted to. He had to settle for shaking her a little. "Miss?"
Jack, meanwhile, had straightened out his jacket, then noticed the strange
"eee-ing" noise. He turned a full circle, then realized it was coming from Panda. "Y'alright, luv?" And then he made the fatal error of smiling.
Panda made a noise sounding a lot like "myr" and fainted dead away into the nearest available pair of arms. The nearest available pair of arms chanced to be Spock's, as he had just managed to hand Cate to McCoy. (McCoy being a doctor, he probably had a fair bit of experience with fainting women. Though actually, it was entirely possible that Kirk had the most…never mind.)
Spock looked down at Panda with—for Spock—a rather pained expression. "Miss…?"
Perhaps you're wondering what the rest of us were doing as all this fainting was happening. Well, Meaghan was still laughing evilly. The rest of us, you can divide into two primary groups. A, the ones who were looking thoughtful. These were mostly the non-Pirate fans, who were either 1) wondering what the excitement was all about or 2) wondering how soon they could rent this movie. B, the Pirate-fans, who had descended back into glazed, worshipful expressions. Among the Star Trek characters, there were three exceptions to the two above categories. Spock and McCoy, of course, were still busy dealing with the fainted Pirate fangirls—though be it duly noted that they happen to be crazed Jack fangirls, not crazed Will fangirls. There's a vast difference, I assure you. Anyway, that accounts for two.
Exception number three was Kirk. He was becoming disgusted with the whole business. After a day of chaos, he was not exactly in the mood for fainting girls, glazed fans, and dirty pirates. It was high time he took control of the situation. Jack gave him the perfect opening.
Now that no one was clinging to him or eee-ing at him (though there was still the one laughing evilly), Jack started paying attention to the crowd of people staring at him. "'ello." Large portions of the group sighed worshipfully. "So…who's in charge 'round 'ere, anyway?"
"I am. Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise."
"Captain, eh? Pleased to meet ye," Jack said cheerfully, shaking Kirk's hand. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."
"Yeah, I got that," Kirk said, discreetly wiping his hand off on the leg of his pants.
"Enterprise, ye say? Bet yer a member of the navy."
"Well…more or less," Kirk agreed.
Jack nodded. "Navy always names their ships like that. Dauntless, Interceptor, Enterprise…have to go to the pirate ships for poetic names."
Kirk blinked, then took offense. "What's wrong with Enterprise as a ship name?"
Jack shrugged extensively. "Nothin.' Just not as poetical as, well, the Black Pearl, for example."
"I happen to find U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701 fairly poetic!"
What Jack might have said in response is hard to say, as he didn't respond. There was an interruption, and probably just as well.
Meaghan clapped her hands together. "I'll turn him into a flea," she announced. "And I'll put that flea in a box, and I'll put that box inside another box, and I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail it to myself, and when it arrives, I'll smash it with a hammer!"
Jack was looking at her with a odd blend of confusion and horror.
"You're going to smash Jack the flea?" I demanded.
Meaghan blinked. "Oh. Sorry. Caught in the moment. What I meant was, I'll mail it to myself, then change him back, and keep him. Or, to save on postage, I'll lasso him, hogtie him, and keep him in my closet!"
"This girl is disturbing," Jack announced.
Some of the writers had objections to Meaghan's plans. Basically along the lines of "you can't keep him in your closet because he's ours!" A substantial argument developed. All uninvolved parties watched with interest.
Kirk grew increasingly displeased as the argument continued. After a few minutes he finally voiced what was really bothering him.
"I don't know what everyone's getting so excited about. What's so great about him? No one got nearly this excited about me."
"Well, he's just, y'know, Captain Jack Sparrow," I tried to explain.
"So? I'm a captain too. Legally! I don't run around pillaging and plundering and whatever else pirates do. And besides…I have much better hair."
Jack managed to catch that line. "What's wrong with my hair?" he demanded.
Kirk frowned at it. "When was the last time you washed it?"
It has to be admitted that Jack sidestepped the question. "That's beside the point."
That was the last bit of that conversation, as Jack was distracted right after that. Cate had woken up, and glomped him again.
Kirk threw up his hands. "You'd think he was a Greek god or something! A Trojan, maybe!"
"No, that's Orlando. Jack's just…Captain Jack Sparrow," I said, for at least the fourth time.
"That tells me nothing!"
"Sure it does. See, Jack's just…one of those people who can be completely defined by their name. Although," I mused, "I guess it would help to know what he's like, in order to learn what he's like from his name."
Kirk stared at me.
Jack chose that moment to sidle up. How he got away from Cate I couldn't say, as I wasn't watching, but somehow she'd let go of him and joined the argument. Panda was still unconscious. Which, all in all, left Jack free for the moment.
"Could ye point me to the way out, mate?" Jack asked Kirk, and shot a nervous glance at the arguing girls. "Can't say I object to lasses fightin' over me, but they're gettin' real proprietary o'er there."
"The way out," Kirk repeated. "That's a little hard to say."
"We could start with where I am," Jack suggested.
"The Enterprise. My ship."
Jack looked around doubtfully. "Um…ships have sails, and rigging and a hull…I don't think—erk."
The "erk" had nothing to do with ships, or with what he didn't think. The "erk" had everything to do with Panda waking up (to Spock's great relief) and latching onto his arm.
"Hi." She beamed at him.
"Um." With a lot of twisting and wrenching, Jack got himself out of her grasp. "Easy on the arm, luv."
She latched on again. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?!"
He blinked. "No."
"Oh," she said, crestfallen.
"I'm beginnin' to feel a mite smothered," Jack hinted, trying once again to extricate himself.
"Tough life," Kirk said, unconvincingly.
Meanwhile, the argument had reached a decision.
"All right," Meaghan concluded, "we'll keep him on rotating weekends. Me first. Where's my lariat?"
"That's it," Jack announced. "Time to be leavin.' I've got a pearl waitin' for me. So long. It was fun."
"Why does that line seem eerie?" Kirk muttered.
No one was listening to Kirk though, as Jack was rather the focus. You see, he said he was going to leave, and he did. Got Panda off his arm, took two steps forward, and vanished. Back to the Pearl, I assume. There was a general sigh of sorrow.
Kirk blinked. "How did he do that? No one downloaded him! He just…went."
I shrugged. "I keep telling you…he's Captain Jack Sparrow."
"Right. Anyway…can we get back to the downloading now?" Kirk asked, somewhat plaintively.
Because Captain Jack Sparrow had gone, the general consensus was that yes, we could. First matter was to look up just who was running around the ship. There were a lot of people. None of whom were at all familiar to the Enterprise crew. There could be no doubt at all. FF's malfunction was only getting worse. While before all the random story elements had at least been from the Star Trek page, now they, well, weren't.
McCoy was reading off reports from a comm unit set in the wall. "Reports of a blonde girl wear a green dress on Deck three. Says her name's Zelda."
"Mine. Or rather, Silverfang's," Silver volunteered.
"Okay. Somebody with absurdly spiky black hair and purple clothes on Deck Five."
"Probably mine," Beedrill offered. "Sounds like someone from Dragon Ball Z."
"And a whole group of people wearing 1940s American army uniforms on Deck Six."
That stumped us all briefly, until Alicia had a thought. "Maybe they're from Hogan's Heroes. I've posted some stories about them."
"Really? I wrote one about them too!" Whatshername said with interest.
"All right, so they belong to one of you. We can deal with that," Kirk said briskly. "Any other people walking around?"
"Um, noooo…not exactly," McCoy said slowly.
"What do you mean not exactly?" Kirk asked, suspicious.
"Well, there's no people, but, um…I don't know quite how to tell you this, Jim, but…there's a giant wooden Klingon in the cargo bay."
"There's a WHAT?"
"A giant wooden Klingon," McCoy repeated.
"Just when I thought things couldn't get stranger," Kirk muttered. "Whose is it?"
Wedge coughed. "Um, mine. I was spoofing the Holy Grail…"
"A giant wooden Klingon. Nice." Kirk sighed. "Alright, that needs to be downloaded rather badly. Even if it's actually more relevant to our universe than most. What else is out there, Bones?"
"A horse."
"Just a horse?"
"No…a talking horse."
Kirk blinked. "No one can talk to a horse, Bones."
I perked up. "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, unless, of course, the horse, of course, is the famous…" I stopped. "Sorry."
"Um…right," Kirk said finally. "So about the talking horse…"
"Is the horse named Mouselike?" Kiri asked eagerly.
"Uh, yes, how did you know?" McCoy asked in bewilderment.
Kiri was thrilled. "'Cause it's my horse. So I get to download something! Finally!"
"I'm glad you're happy. Can we go download now?" Kirk asked.
"Yes, let's," Kiri seconded.
So we did. Everyone took their respective guides and went off to hunt up their story elements, while those with no story elements currently went wandering at random. The people with Star Wars stories went to look for Yoda (who as you will recall was still hanging around somewhere), while Alicia and Whatshername took McCoy to go look for the Hogan's Heroes characters. And we all splintered off in different directions, though one would have to work at it to pick up a splinter on the Enterprise, where there is no wood to speak of.
As for me, I had nowhere in particular to go, so I went wandering one of the many corridors of the Enterprise, dragging a tense Kirk along with me. As has been stated many times, he was having a long day. And it was about to get longer. Because we hadn't wandered very far when we bumped into Ael, Wedge, and Emp, who had gone in search of Yoda. And found him.
Kirk blinked. "Hey! You're the short green guy!" A wealth of tact, Kirk is.
Yoda frowned at him. "Polite, you are not," he said sternly, tapping his cane.
"Why is he still here?" Kirk demanded of the fanfiction writers.
Emp shrugged. "He doesn't want to be downloaded. He insists on staying awhile instead."
"A disturbance in the Force, I sense. Its source I must find," Yoda said firmly.
"Why can't you just figure out whose story he's from and download him?" Kirk wanted to know.
"He's resisting," Wedge explained.
Kirk threw up his hands. "Great! Why not just let everybody stay? I suppose I can get used to utter madness on a daily basis! Never mind if complete havoc ensues!"
Yoda frowned. "I sense much anger in you. And frustration. Such things the Dark Side feasts on. Relax you must."
Kirk groaned. "Oh god, he's a shrink. Bones put you up to this, didn't he?"
Yoda nodded firmly. "Yes, relax you must. And respect you must learn."
One wave of Yoda's tiny green hand and we learned that the Force was very much in operation. Kirk wasn't really in a position to be impressed. He was hanging upside down from the ceiling, you see. The writers, myself included, cracked up at once.
"Put me down!" Kirk ordered. Futilely, I might add.
Yoda nodded approval. "Very good for lower back it is, to hang downside-up."
"I don't care what it's good for, put me down!"
Yoda looked at him sternly. "Apologize first, you must."
"I'm sorry!"
"Your sincerity I doubt."
Kirk took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Very sorry. I didn't mean anything by the short green guy line. I like short green guys, really. I like green people in general, just ask Spock. Really. I mean it. I'm sincere!"
"Very well. Forgiveness I grant you." Yoda turned and continued along the corridor, cane lightly tapping as he went.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Kirk shouted. "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Yoda glanced back, and regarded the upside-down (or downside-up) Kirk. "No."
"Put me down!"
Fortunately for Kirk, the writers interceded on his behalf.
"Maybe you really should let him down, Master Yoda," Ael commented. "He's not a bad sort, really."
"He's just kinda stressed right now," Emp agreed.
Yoda sighed. "Very well." A wave of the hand, and Kirk's feet unstuck from the ceiling. Fortunately, Starfleet training kicked in and Kirk managed to tuck and roll and come up uninjured.
Yoda, and the three Star Wars fans, continued along the corridor, in search of the disturbance in the Force. I stuck around to make sure Kirk didn't do anything violent, like grabbing a phaser and going on a rampage. He looked capable of it.
"Crazy, I tell you!" Kirk said wildly. "Absolutely nuts!"
"You seem a little upset," I commented.
"A little upset? Do you know what kind of day I've been having?" he demanded, pacing up and down the corridor.
"Of course I do, I've read every word."
"Well it hasn't been good! This is just the last thing, I have had it! I want shore leave," he said abruptly. "Send me back to Disneyland."
"Can't, already told that story."
"Okay, Yosemite."
"I don't know," I said doubtfully, "mountains aren't a good idea for you."
"What?"
"Or they won't be, anyway," I amended. "You really shouldn't climb without ropes, y'know. Good thing Spock'll be floating around."
He blinked at me. "You are among the most random people I have ever met."
I beamed. "Thank you."
"Right. So forget Disneyland, forget Yosemite, how about Risa?"
"We've been over this, G-rating."
"And about that, that doesn't let me do anything!"
"So go over to Make of a Captain, it's PG."
He was surprised. "Really?"
I shrugged. "I decided a certain amount of swearing was necessary to your character. Darn and heck weren't going to do it."
"About that story, what are you doing to me? And to my ship? And…and…" His gaze had drifted over my shoulder. As he looked down the corridor, a look of absolute terror came over his face.
My eyebrow rose. "Captain?"
"My little kumquat!" That wasn't Kirk. That was a voice from behind me, and I recognized it at once.
Kirk screamed, and took off running down the corridor. A woman in a mask cam running by in pursuit, shouting, "wait, my blueberry muffin!" as she went by.
I had my laptop with me, but I doubted I could get close enough to use it. So instead I just watched as the figures faded in the distance. "He really is having a bad day," I mused.
* * *
It wasn't long after that that the writers all met up again in the briefing room. The story elements we'd gone after had all been downloaded and safely put away in the hard drives of our computers, with only two exceptions. One exception was Yoda, who had come to the briefing room himself. The second exception was Cobalt, or at least I think he was an exception. Ael was being evasive. Oh yes, and there was also Stella, of course. We mustn't forget her.
Speaking of Stella, to draw a dubious connection, all but one writer were present but a couple of characters were missing.
"What happened to Jim?" McCoy asked me.
I shrugged. "Last I saw, he was fleeing down a corridor, Stella in pursuit. I don't think he's enjoying himself very much."
I think McCoy was trying to restrain a smile. "No, probably not."
The other character missing was Jones. Kiri, Silver and PearlGirl knew the answer for that.
"He had to go to Sickbay," PearlGirl explained.
No one was very surprised.
"So what happened to him now?" McCoy asked, perhaps feeling a medical curiosity.
"He was buried in Author Alerts," Silver told him.
McCoy blinked. "In what?"
"Author Alerts. The ceiling opened and out came a mountain of paper, every sheet printed with 'Author Alert,'" Kiri elaborated. "Jones was buried."
"We're blaming it on FF," PearlGirl put in.
"Speaking of which," Spock said in a valiant effort to return to more important matters, "are we receiving further reports regarding the appearance of story elements?"
"I'll check," McCoy volunteered, turning to the nearest console. The verdict was unwelcome. "Um…they've gone up. The number, I mean. We're definitely getting more and more randomness turning up. Whatever's wrong is only getting worse."
"Does anyone else have the feeling we're not accomplishing anything?" Whatshername asked.
A chorus of "Yes" went up. A feeling of futility had descended at the news. Not that we hadn't enjoyed wandering around the Enterprise. But it would be nice to think we were actually doing something too.
"Trouble is, we're treating the symptom, not the disease," I complained.
"The source of the problem you must find." Only Yoda would have put it quite that way.
"We don't know the source though," I explained.
"Sure we do," Ael countered. "FF is screwing up again."
"As much I thought," Yoda agreed. "A disturbance in this 'FF' I sense."
"What, Fanfiction is the Force?" Wedge asked dubiously.
"The Force it is not, but in principle similar it is," Yoda explained. "The Force it is that binds all things together. This Fanfiction is a similar joining of dissimilar parts, one great whole forming."
"So we must repair Fanfiction," Spock concluded, the fastest one to decipher Yoda's sentence structure.
And the prevalent question became HOW?
"One moment," Yoda said calmly. Then he closed his eyes, bowed his head, and raised his hands.
It was at that moment that the doors hissed open and a wild-eyed Kirk dashed in. "You didn't see me," he told us, and disappeared under the briefing room table.
Half a moment later Stella appeared in the doorway. "Where's my sweet baboo?" she screeched.
"Not under here!" a muffled voice came from under the table. "No sweet baboons here!"
"Aha!" she shrieked, and dived for the table. She disappeared mid-dive.
While we had all been distracted by the drama of Kirk and Stella, Yoda had maintained his concentration.
"Solving of problem has been done," Yoda announced. "The balance has been restored."
"You didn't kill any cooks, did you?" I asked. I received many blank looks. "Sorry. It's a Johnny thing. Cate's fault, all Cate's fault…y'know what, never mind."
The issue was dropped. McCoy was busy checking the reports. "It looks like everything vanished. All at once."
Kirk's head emerged from under the table. "Is it all over?"
The answer was yes. For now, at least.
After that, there's little to tell. The writers bid farewell to the characters and each other and returned to their normal lives. Or at least, most of them left now. One had already gone. You may recall that there had been one writer missing in the briefing room. Quantum Maniac had already been pushed out an airlock at that point. Our lips are sealed regarding who exactly did the pushing… But the rest of the writers left at this point, and it seemed that life aboard the Enterprise would at last return to normal. Kirk made a comment to that effect to Spock and McCoy as they stood on the bridge shortly later.
"Well, it was…interesting, meeting all of the writers, but I for one am glad things are back to normal."
"Indeed," Spock agreed.
"Sure. Normal." McCoy grinned, a lop-sided grin. "At least…until one of them thinks of another crazy situation to put us into."
Kirk sighed, then grinned in spite of himself. "Well…at least it makes life exciting."
~~~***~~~
I won't even comment on whether anyone remembers their reviews. I'll just answer.
Emp: I wish I could claim credit for Spock knitting…it was a very funny idea.
Skimbleshanks: Crossovers in general can be lots of fun…my first attempt at a Star Trek story was a crossover with Star Wars…then I realized I only enjoyed writing the original Trek characters. And here we are.
AliciaF: Um…you're welcome?
Ael: Yeah, it was an evil cliffie. And you might have had an element to download, I honestly have no idea who Yoda belonged to.
Silverfang: Yeah, Picard's just there. No vendetta, but so not as good as Kirk.
Alania: I hope you really do like random side notes, since that whole bit with my friends was pretty much a random side note…
Whatshername: "random interval for hysterics" I love that. Must use that phrase somewhere.
Bug: Well, it was a mite late, but I successfully referenced you!
Ariennye: Well, no Christmas story this year, sorry…but I did one last year, it's still floating around.
Mzsnaz: Yeah, good ol' Jones. Strangely popular, he is.
D'len: Hmm, my friends and I aren't the only ones who say "bloody" as and adjective frequently…good to know.
Hanakin: Boy, can I relate to not updating…the muse just gets tired with stories and goes on strike, right? Keep at it! Maybe you can talk her around!
Unrealistic: Catch the reference to your brother and an airlock? Had to squeeze that in somewhere!
Quantum Maniac: Powerful weapons and quantum powers? I shudder at the thought of the havoc that would be unleashed…
Vest-button: A guy in a red vest dies? Odd indeed… ^_^
Nenya: Yeah…fifty chapters. I still stand back and gaze at that in shock and amazement. I don't know how it happened.
Happi Froggi: Wacko and nuts are good things. Very good things. ^_^
PearlGirl: Which I could claim to have invented the "GOINK" line but I didn't. That's the thing about crossover stories…I can't claim all the good lines. But on the other hand, I get to steal other authors' really good lines…
Captain Kathy: Well, I fit in the silver-haired individual…sorry about not getting you guys in, it was a little late in the game to try to get more authors in, especially with the muse adamantly refusing to cooperate.
Fool of an Elf: Sporks have pointed ears…[cracks up].
Ad G: A bit insane? Really? And here I thought it was completely certifiable…
Blynneda: I don't know why you haven't been reading it. I missed ya. Try to drag away from the articles and turn up here more often, kay? Your long rambling reviews are fun.
Beedrill: Yep, crossovers are fun. And as for poor Kirk, well, it's a long day for him.
Usagi-chan: Love my writing style? I'm flattered! And impressed that you went all the way through a story with 49 chapters in it…
Sukuru: Don't worry. We all lived. You can go do the laundry.
!!!IMPORTANT AUTHOR NOTE!!!
Um…now, you all noticed how long this took to post. But I wrestled it into writing this chapter. Just this one. Now that we've finished up the arc and hit the nice round number of fifty, Trekkie Soul is going on an official hiatus, so that I and my muse can concentrate on the many other stories running around. This doesn't mean it's gone for good. It's just on indefinite shore leave. I love the story and I love you all, and thank you for fifty wonderful chapters and over five hundred wonderful reviews; I enjoyed every one!
May I refer you to my other stories? If you're not already reading Make of a Captain I recommend it, as it's presently my main Trek story. Not entirely humorous, but, well, I find it fascinating. I also have some funny short stories in mind, and will try to come up with one for Jones. And if you want more completely random humor and like Pirates of the Caribbean, Cornfield Madness is sort of the Pirates "Trekkie Soul."
In conclusion, it's been wonderful, please don't flame me for stopping, and thank you for everything!