Disclaimer: DAMN!!! I wish I owned Sano and Aoishi!!! But I don't own so don't sue! ^_^x
A/N: wo0t! All ritey on with the story!
Fallen
I feel like I'm falling. Every day, feels like a nightmare, there is no end to it. Saito has Kenshin, and I have nothing. The way poor Aoishi must feel, I broke his heart I know how that feels and I never wanted anyone else to go through that pain. I miss his voice, his smile, his beautiful blue eyes, him . . .
I walked the same lines over and over every day, and I can't place his face any where else, no where else but in my head. I am so distraught without him. But I do not want to give up my love for Kenshin, I always told myself that if I fell in love that I would hold that person dearest to my heart and that's how I wanted to hold Kenshin. So close to my heart, so close to my body.
I wanted to be perfect, for Kenshin, for Aoishi. I was so confused I didn't know which I wanted to be more perfect for. Kenshin my love who would satisfy my loneliness, or Aoishi would satisfy my body. I didn't think I would be good enough for either of them now. I was so pathetic. So stupid. I just wanted to have something to be proud of . . . I didn't want to loose my best friend.
Kenshin was phasing out of my life. I was losing him to Saito. And no one can ever understand how hard it is to loose their best friend.
Aoishi . . . I am so sorry I can't be perfect for you, I am not the man you want me to be. I can't ever give up the love I feel for Kenshin. I vowed myself never to. And I never will.
I was falling, further and further. I didn't want to do anything any more. I couldn't, I was too depressed. I realized by acting this way I already lost Kenshin, but I didn't want to swallow my pride. I wouldn't . . . not even for Aoishi's sake.
Kenshin came to me one night, he said he was concerned with me, I was sad all the time and never wanted to do anything. He even made comments on how bad my physical appearance was getting. I hadn't showered or shaved in a while. (Kind of like the way he looks in the 2nd Ova, Reflection- It doesn't matter he is still so sexy) He wondered why I was not hanging out with Aoishi like I usually did. My response was, "I just don't want him around any more . . . " but that wasn't true.
I thought about going to Aoishi sometimes when I was feeling depressed. I knew he could make me feel happy, being with him was like heaven when I was upset, he was warmth, softness and just heaven. But I knew he wouldn't take me back, I knew it would just hurt him so much more, and I didn't want to do that.
I went out one night without controlling myself, because I got drunk. Drinking always eased my sorrows. (Damn sano must have a whole lot of sorrows-^_^x) And I was in a deep depression over how much I missed Aoishi, I went to his dojo. I didn't mean to go. I didn't want to make things worse. I was so sick of taking advantage of Aoishi's feelings.
When I awoke, he was standing looking out at the sunrise. I walked over and stood next to him "good morning . . ." was all I could say. He wouldn't even look at me. "I am sorry Aoishi, I don't mean to take advantage of you." I turned to walk away. "Sano, you know I'd rather have you like this, then not have you at all." And that was when he grasped me, in his strong arms. It was a new kind of heaven that only confused me more . . . because now I felt something a little bit different in his embrace. I couldn't put my finger on it though.
That night when I got back to the dojo, my mind was in a disarray of many emotions. I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out what that feeling was that Aoishi had cast into my heart. I felt like he put a spell on me, some deadly loves spell that was sending me into a mind blowing feeling. His love was mind blowing, everything about him was driving me insane. I couldn't concentrate, because my mind was so fucked up. I was gone.
Gone to a place of absolute Aoishi, and nothing else. His body, his hair, his eyes, the way he smells, the tone of his voice, and his personality. All these things clashed together in a mix of absolute heaven as I sat in my room and thought only about him.
I spent days contemplating what the hell I was thinking. I was in an utter delusion ever believing for once that what I and he had wasn't real. Because it was, what we had was more real than life itself. It was so real to me.
I finally realized that spending as long as I did thinking about Aoishi and only Aoishi, could only mean one thing. I was in love with him . . . I was. But what about Kenshin. I wouldn't give up the feelings I had for Kenshin . . . until now.
In the back of my mind all the times I had felt that I loved Kenshin was just jealousy. I was a confused homosexual man in a time, where that was uncommon. My best friend who was homosexual as well was in a relationship, and I was jealous of that. I love him as my best friend, but I didn't love him as a lover. I was scared of losing him to Saito. I was scared of never finding my own love. So I took it out through jealousy for Kenshin.
I never was in love with Kenshin . . . and now I have fallen in love with Aoishi.
A/N: ooo...I love leaving people in suspense...he he. Well that is it for this chapter. If you like what I write, please read some of my other stuff, I really love to hear what people think. I also am working on a story on fiction press under the pen name Tyler's daemon. Ok well thanks to those who reviewed...please do on this chap. Ja ne! ^_^x ORO!