based on the idea by Rufus Shinra
Type: Action/Adventure/Humour
Rating: G
Warnings: might contain a few swear words
Disclaimer: Amano owns only a few jokes from this fic, and not even all... The characters and the world belong to Blizzard Entertainment, except the Big Hairy Think, which is copyrighted by Rufus Shinra.
The joke marked as * is copyrighted by Shirogane Tenshi.
Let's ze go!
The birhgt sun shone high. It gave that kind of light that
could blind, the light that had no shadow. It wasn't yellow, nor
white - it was something between transparent silver and gold. It
reflected from everything around, including itself.
The rays
rushed from the skies and crushed at the icy construction of a tower.
he bounced and headed in the opposite direction to meet something
else and return to the very top of the icy tower. Right there, in the
place, where all light stops, stood a throne. It was made of ice as
everything around it. It was cold and brought chills to every living
creature that saw it, on body and soul. Not many could approach it
without a single thought of turning back.
One it contained an
imprisoned, tormented soul with no shape, therefore no physical
poewr. Nevertheless, it had great spiritual force that shook the very
world, and using it, it created a magnificent weapon. Thanks to his
summoning powers, his most faithful servant and the determination of
a mortal mind, the orc Ner'zhul was finally freed.
His saviour
and most powerful servant - his champion - was actually the first
mortal that reached this place. Once human, he has fallen to the
power of Ner'zhul and slaughtered in his name. Facing a crisis, he
came here to release his lord. Now he, Arthasm has finally taken his
crown and sits on his rightful throne.
The Frozen
Throne.
They were one, and unstoppable being. They will rule
over this, and soon many otger worlds. He and the Lich King. Forever
as one.
Arthas laughed loudly, without any particular reason.
He was just kind of celebrating his triumph over the other races. He
collected glorious victories one after another. Firts the death of
Uther, Antonidas and his father allowed him to fully control the
kingdom of Lordaeron. He would have it anyway, for he was the
rightful heir, but this way he could do everything the way the Lich
King Ner'zhul wanted. Then came the revived Kel'Thuzad and fall of
Quel'Thalas. Those foolish elves still try to avenge it... And many
other successful actions that led him straight to the throne. Even
the allied forces of humans, night elves, dwarves and orcs couldn't
stop him. Kil'jaeden's command given to the Blood Elves and Naga only
brought doom to their leader, Illidan...
He laughed again.
What a fool Illidan was, duelling him at the very heart of the
Scourge. He had no chance at all, so now he can be a perfect example
of what happens to enemies of undead. Let his body be eaten by
Wendigo... at least his relatives will have nothing to mourn
at.
'Now that I have the power of the Lich King...' he
thought. 'WHat should I do? Hmm, I think I will attract Kil'jaeden's
attention by crushing that rebel in the Capitol... I sure haven't
seen Kel'huzad for a lon-'
He paused. He could hear something
hissing above his head. Strange... he looked up to see a clear sky.
When he made several steps down on the icy staircase, a huge shade
covered the whole tower. He gulped loudly and looked up again, a
shade of doubt appearing on his face.
It was quickly replaced
by a dreadful expression, as Arthas has spotted a giant, quite round
object that was quickly approaching him. No one in Azeroth has
reported such things before, but the remaining of animal instincts
told Arthas that it's nothing good. He rushed down as fast as he
could, jumping several steps at once. He didn't trip - he simply had
no time.
He was half way down, hen the object, usually called
a "meteor", but Arthas - as any prince - never payed
attention to his tutors, hit the Frozen Throne.
The tower
exploded.
Anub'arak raised his head.
'What's going on
up there?' he asked.
The necromancer that was standing next to
him narrowed his eyes and looked up, at the blinding sun, just to be
crushed a second later by a falling Arthas.
Anub'arak sighed
seeing the king's legs sticking out of the ground and shook his head.
He waved at other necromancer, so they'll pull him out. To say that
Arthas was eating dust wasn't a good idea.
'Are you all right,
Death Knight?' asked the beattl, when the king was spitting mud out
of his mouth.
'Yes, of course.' he answered, wiping mud out of
his eyes. 'There's just this minor drawback of the Frozen Throne
exploding. But who'd bother about it, right?'
Anub'arak
blinked. The king straightened up, revealing the crushed necromancer
in an Arthas-shaped hole. Everyone ignored it and left him laying
there, to be found centuries later by dwarven miners and become bones
of an acient type of a snail.
The king gazed at the field of
dying flames in a deep pit below. The object that destroyed the
Throne was stuck in the ground, with many cracks on it's surface.
Some escaped through them.
'What the bloody hell is this?'
Arthas asked.
'It's a meteor, Death Knight.' Anub'arak
answered. 'They never fell in the history of Azeroth, but do it in
Draenor quite often. You're lucky you survived.'
'But the
Throne...'
Suddenly they heard a loud crack. The meteor broke
in two, revealing...
'What is this...?'
The thing that
came out was very huge. It would reach the Throne with two or three
steps. It had loads of long fur that was dragged behind and gathered
snow, stones, rocks and acolytes it met on it's way. It's claws
weren't sharp, but long and big enought to tear an adult Wendigo. It
had no teeth, and the yellow cat eyes glittered in the sunlight.
And
it was bubblegum-pink.
'OH MY LICH KING, IT'S PINK!!!'
Arthas breathed. 'What is this monster?!'
'I may not be good
in naming things,' Anub'arak replied 'but as for me, it looks like
a... big, hairy... thing.'
They both stared petrified and
watched the monster approach the biggest building in the new undead
main base. It went unstoppable, acolyte, abominations and
necromancers running out of it's way and tripping at each other. The
pink creature sank into the wall of the building, crushing it.
Silngle bricks fell down - one of them hit a ghoul straight at the
head. Slowly, the whole construction was collapsing.
'My
Citadel!!!' Athas cried, running a few steps forward, but he stopped,
when he noticed that it can't be helped. The builing was lost. 'My
Citadel...'
Suddenly the knight grabbed his sword and rushed
towards the pink horror. He was running faster than ever, even faster
than his bony cow, and reached the monster, drawing the Frostmourne
on his way. Somehow he managed to jump very high, perhaps because an
abomination tosse him, when he stepped on it's head, and sliced. A
long sut ran through the creatures arm and blood spilled from it,
colouring everything around in red.
Arthas grinned, but his
expression instantly vanished, when he noticed that the Thing ignored
it. It went on, crushing a slaughterhouse, a graveyard and three
temples. It slowly walked towards the horizon, leaving a distaster
area behind.
Silence fell.
'Holy cow...' the king
murmured. His steed turned it's head to him.
'Muh?'*
'Oh,
shut up...' Arthas sighed.'Whatever that thing is, it can't cross the
ocean. Therefore it's stuck here in Northrend...'
Anub'arak
approached him. 'Is that good, Death Knight?'
'Beats me...' he
waved his hand to an acolyte. 'Get as many of you as you can and
repair the damages. Use all the resources you need. I want it to be
done as soon as possible.'
The acolyte bowed. 'Thy will be
done.' And he walked, or should I say floated away.
Arthas
turned to Anub'arak.
'Whatever that thing is, it seems to have
no brain. And I have a bad feeling it's invulnerable to physical
damage...'
'Maybe we should try to attack it with magic?' the
beattle suggested.
'We don't have mages powerful enough. Even
together their spells aren't too effective. Not while confronting
such a thing.'
'If only we knew something about it...'
Few days later, in Kalimdor...
'Shan'do!' Shandris
cried running towards the druid. 'Shan'do!!!'
'What's
happened?' Furion asked nervously.
'A messenger of the Blood
Elves arrived.. he reported that your brother... is
dead!!!'
'WHAT?!' Furion and Tyrande shouted at
once.
'Illidan is dead?!' the pristess breathed.
'They
said he went to duel Arthas, and is nowhere to be
found...'
Shan'do's jaw fell open. He gazed dumbly at his
beloved, and she returned the stare. Furion slightly shook his head,
slowly from right to left, and said:
'This can't
be...'
'Illidan... couldn't die...' Tyrande added.
A
Blood Elf with long, almost white hair approached them. He was
wearing a light armour made of thin iron plates, coloured with red
and gold. He also had a long woven cape and a wooden staff. He was a
priest, undoubtably.
'I am afraid that is true, great druid.'
he said. His voice showed true sorrow and a shade of anger. 'Our
scouts were scouring the area around the Frozen Throne as best as
they could, but...'
The earth shook and all of them fell
silent.
'A quake?' Shandris ased. 'We never had them in these
lands...'
Tyrande held out her right hand and produced a
transparent, golden brown owl. The ethereal anmal looked at them with
it's unexisting, smart eyes and took off into the sky.
'It's
not a mere quake.' the priestess said after a moment. 'Something
enormous is heading our way!!'
They fled just in time to avoid
being smashed by the Big Hairy Thing. It passed by, water dripping
from it's long fur, leaving a corridor of crushed lumber behind.
Furion peeked from the untouched trees to notice that the monster was
holding something tight in it's palm.
'What is that...?'
Shandris breathed.
'I don't know...' Tyrande replied. 'But
don't tell me it just... crossed the ocean...'
The
Thing vanished from view and the three of them stood silent. none had
the finest idea what had just passed them, but all knew it was
unbelievable even as for a dream. Each of them tried to convince
himself he hasn't seen what he just has, but none spoke.
Suddenly
the heard a loud sound, like if something hit the ground. It came
from the direction the Thing was heading. Perhaps it dropped whatever
it was holding...
They all rushed there, not caring about what
might happen, and frose, when they say what made the sound.
The
usually green grass was now shining dark red in the sunlight. The
pool of blood covered a huge area around the wounded person. He had a
very deep, long cut from his right arm through his chest. He was
panting and moaning, just like if ate wanted him to suffer and left
him laying there to be found in agony. He gazed around with his
unseeing eyes.
Illidan Stormrage.
'By Elune...' Tyrande
whispered as Furion approached his brother through the red pool. The
priest followed and did his best to heal his lord as much as he
could.
After a few moments, te Hunter rose, almost completely
cured, just a little red.
'Thank you...' he said to the elf.
The priest bowed. 'Brother...' the demon sighed.
Shan'do
smiled. 'Good to see you again, Illidan.'
'Wish I could say
the same...' the elf laughed darkly.
'What happened, Illidan?'
Tyrande asked approaching them.
'Priestess, your robes...'
Shandris said. 'This blood won't come off easily, you'll get the
Wisps loads of work...'
'Oh, don't worry, I was going to get
myself a new one anyway. This is getting so old-fashined, I'm wearing
the same style for thirteen thousand years, you know...'
'Yes,
I understand, but before you get it you must wear something,
priestess...'
And as they chatted like this, the Stormrage
brothers stood aside stubbed and sweatdropping.
'So what has
happened, Illidan...?' Furion breathed.
'I duelled Arthas.'
the blind answered flatly. 'And you should know the rest.'
'He
reached the Throne.'
'Yeah.'
'We're in
trouble.'
'Yeah.'
'We're dead.'
'Yeah.'
'Oh,
my goddess.'
'Yeah...'
Illidan shook his head fiercly
and said, this time normally:
'Why am I back here
anyway?'
'Well, how should I put it...' the druid thought
deeply. 'Something brought you here.'
The priest behind them
held his laugh. He was lacking air badly, but still he fought the
urge to just explode. The Hunter didn't notice.
'What thing?'
he demanded.
'Well, it was big, and had a lot of hair... and
was, well... just a huge thing.'
'Oh, really...'
'Yeah.'
'It
brought me from Northrend?'
'Yep.'
'Through the
ocean?'
'Seems so.'
There was a moments silence,
interrupted only by the fierce conversation of girls behind
them.
Furion decided to continue:
'It was cute and
pink.'
Illidan't expression could be compared to that of
someone, who;s just seen a chiken in red and green stipes dancing
waltz.
'Bye Elune...' he managed to say. 'What in Azeroth in
that...?'
'Beats me...'
The demon growled and turned to
the priest.
'What are you laughing at?!' he shouted.
The girl ignored him, and the Blood Elf was simply rolling on the
ground. Illidan grownled again.
'Is it just me, or am I being
totally ignored?'
Shan'do tore his eyes away from the
butterfly he was watching.
'Did you say something,
brother?'
'&*%^$@^$@%$@*^(@^$#!!'
'Sorry, can you
transcript those funky marks to evlish?'
'Fuck it, Furion, why
is everyone ignoring me?!'
Silence.
'They are?'
'Like
whatever... listen here, priest, I do find nothing
funny here!!'
'We do!' Tyrande laughed.
'Oh,
pu-lease... I'll just go get a nap somewhere...' Illidan started to
walk. 'Like at the bottom of the ocean...
'Everything is prepared, Death Knight.' Anub'arak
announced.
Arthas surveyed the dark port. It didn't look
anything like a port, to tell you the truth. All it really was were
several wooden desks that tried to act like a dock and one black
ship. It would easily play the part of a ghost ship in any Hollywood
movie.
The king sighed.
'Care to go with me,
Anub'arak?'
The beattle shook his head.
'My place is in
the ruins, Death Knight.' the breeze hit their faces with it's salty
scent. 'I will stay, but my Nerubians are at your command.'
Arthas
smiled and headed towards the ship. At the end of the improvised dock
he turned to the beattle.
'You are a loyal friend, Anub'arak.'
he jumped at the deck. 'Hope we'll meet again!'
And through
the next few minutes, when the frozen coast was still visible, the
knight was standing on the deck and waving. WHen Northrend vanished
behind the watery horizon, he sighed again.
Suddenly he heard
silent voices behind him. He turned around, his hand on the
Frostmourne.
An acolyte.
'What is that you're
holding?'
The acolyte had a small, greay, metalic box in his
right hand. It was linked with a thin rope of some kind to the
bearer's head... no, a little bow he had on his head. The tips were
placed in the acolyte's ears.
'Oh, this... This, my king, is
the latest goblin invention. They call it walk-goblin or
something...'
'A what...?' Arthas blinked.
'I don't
remember...' the servant acted nervous. 'It plays
music.'
'Music?'
'Um, yes, music. I haven't got the
finest idea how did they do it, but it plays music without musicians
or instruments.'
The king was getting more and more confused,
so he just remained silent. The musci lover continued:
'One
song can be played a hundret times over and over, my lord. It's like
it was stored in this box.'
'Wow... and what were you
listening to?' Arthas asked, a little suspiciously.
'Oh,
yes... Um, it's just a small group... of four bards... humans, my
king...'
'HUMANS?'
The acolyte swallowed
loudly.
'Y-yes, but they are impressed by your power and the
Scourge itself...'
'Ah, really?'
'They called
themselves... Blight Guardian or something...'
Arthas
sighed.'
'Right, whatever. Just keep on working and you can
listen to your funky box, I want to get to Lordaeron by next week.
And turn the volume down!'
Thus each of the world's most important heroes returned to his plans for the future in this devastating war. They will bring death freedom, power and salvation. But none of the remembered, that the mysterious monster, the crisis from the sky, was walking forth towards the sundown. These lands, so new to it, were a wonderful view and it's big chance.
The Big Hairy Thing went on...