Pippin Does Something Entirely Appropriate

            "Fool of a Took!" stormed Gandalf, waving his staff around like a color guard's flag.  "Do you have any idea what you have done?"

            "I only went down to the stream to bring back some water," said Pippin, cringing back to avoid being clocked by Gandalf.  Gimli was not so quick, and was leveled by Gandalf's prodigious backhand, which he had developed playing squash with Sauron in the First Age.

            "Oh yes," growled Gandalf, stepping over Gimli's prone body, "you only went down to get some water.  All the way singing, at the top of your voice, an old fashioned Shire song!  You only alerted an entire squad of Orcs to your, and therefore our, presence, bringing us all into battle before dawn!  You have only caused injury to three of our companions!"

"Um, I only skinned my knee," offered Boromir.

"And you have gotten me angry, causing me to injure a fourth of our party!"

            "Okay," interjected Pippin, "you can't really say the last was my fault."
            Gandalf, knowing he was right, ignored him and went on shouting, "And you didn't even bring back any water!  Now what will I boil to help me ease the injuries of our comrades!  Go down to the stream and get some water!  And keep your mouth shut!"

Pippin turned and slouched out of the clearing they were using as camp.  "And stand up straight!  Don't grumble at me, Hobbit!"  Gandalf glared after Pippin.  "I don't like the idea of him on his own.  He might do something stupid again.  Frodo!  Keep your eye on him!"

            "Don't yell at me," said Frodo, "I haven't done anything."

* * * *

            "Pippin!" called Frodo.  "Pippin?  It's only me, Frodo.  Where are you, Pippin?"

Pippin squinted down at Frodo from his perch in a tree.  He had heard Gandalf tell Frodo to follow him and was feeling a little bitter toward Frodo, even if it wasn't his cousin's fault.  Pippin decided he was just going to wait until Frodo passed by, and then sneak up on him.

            "Pippin?" cried Frodo.  "This isn't funny, Pippin."  Frodo groaned and looked around.  Where was he?  Frodo was wishing he had some more sedate relatives when a huge black shadow glided out from behind a tree.  A sharp pain ripped through his shoulder.  "Oh, no," whispered Frodo as he backed up.  He was stopped when, from behind him, two more shadows cut off his only exit.  Oh, shit, thought Frodo.

            "Sssssscore," hissed one of the shadows, gutturally.

            "The Halfling," hissed one of the other Ringwraiths, in case you hadn't guessed who they were yet.

            "I thought you were carried away in the flood," said Frodo, more to himself than to the Wraiths.

            "We were," answered the third, "but we were on our way back to Mordor and…"

            "Why are you explaining?" exploded the first.  "It's not his business!"

            "Why are we wasting time talking?" hissed the second.  "Let's just grab him and go back to Sauron.  If we have the Halfling, he won't be so mad that we lost our horses."

            "Plus, we can show up that arse Angmar," said the third, who would probably have been grinning if his face hadn't been hidden behind his cloak.  Or if he even had a face that could be seen by normal eyes.

            Frodo slowly backed himself into the base of a tree, completely unaware it was the same tree in which Pippin was currently hiding, frozen, in the branches.  Pippin's mind raced.  What could he do?  If he shouted for Aragorn or Gandalf, they would arrive too late to save Frodo.  Never mind that revealing his presence would probably get him killed as well.  But he couldn't just allow Frodo to be carried off to certain doom in Mordor!  Slowly, Pippin came to the realization that if he didn't do something now, all would be lost.  Gathering his courage, Pippin made his decision.

            And leapt from the tree, straight onto the head of the first Ringwraith.

            "AHHHHHH!  AHHHH!  Get it off!  Get it off!" shouted the Wraith.

* * * *

            "…And I said that any club that would have Celeborn as a member wasn't worth joining," said Legolas to a mostly bored Fellowship.

            The rest of the Fellowship was jerked from a stupor at the shrill cry of what sounded like a Wraith being plagued by a small manlike Hobbit.  "A Wraith!" cried Aragorn, taking up his sword (secretly grateful he wouldn't have to listen to the petty inner workings of Elvish cliques anymore).

            "Mr. Frodo!" wailed Sam.

            "Fool!  Of!  A!  Took!" shouted Gandalf.

* * * *

            Pippin was smashed into a tree branch as the Wraith made increasing larger frantic circles in his attempt to gain some type of help.  The two other Wraiths, however, were in no position to assist him, as they were currently lying on the ground, laughing themselves silly.  Pippin tried not to retch as the Wraith spun around in a circle, trying to throw off whatever had latched on to his head.  "Run, Frodo!  Run!" shouted Pippin, for Frodo was still backed against the tree with a look of horrified amazement plastered onto his pale face.

            Of course, what Pippin hadn't realized was that Frodo was no more likely to leave a friend and family member in certain peril than he was.  Instead of running, Frodo was drawing Sting and preparing to take on the Wraith.  So everyone was pretty much back at square one.

            Luckily, Aragorn was quick when stimulated by a panicking Sam, and Gandalf was quick when he thought he had an opportunity to berate Pippin.  Both burst into the fray, swords swinging (in Aragorn's case) and violent tempers flying (in Gandalf's).  One could only imagine how quickly the Wraiths made their exit (one could only imagine because I'm not describing it.  This story is too long already).

            "Thank you, Pippin," said Frodo, trying to hold off a foaming Gandalf off his friend.

            "You mean…I did good?" asked an amazed Pippin.

            "Well!  You did well!" shouted Gandalf.  "Mind your grammar, Peregrin Took!"

(A/N: I hate EVERYTHING.)