Author's Notes:: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, and please continue to review... Okay so I should shut up and not be so formal but I can't help it... LOL I'm tired... I just got back and I'm about ready to die... So I hope you like this chapter, Kat did an excellent job... Give us a chance with this one.. it's a different tone and all but it's getting better slowly but surely.. And please please please please please review!!! Thanks!!!
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The slam of the heavy door adds to my fury, she wasn't exactly stopping either, this is not all on me. There were four lips involved in that kiss, four fucking lips. Shit, what the hell have I done? She is like some kind of drug, when I am around her I can't control what I do, how I feel. I just act, and this time I acted by throwing my body at her, during that kiss we felt like one, like this had not changed, accept they have. She is with someone she loves and I am with someone I love. I am glad for her stopping us, if not we could have done something we both regretted, something that could have caused us both emotional pain. Kem would be enraged if she found out I kissed Abby. She doesn't know much about our past relationship as it is, I neglected to tell her, I figured it was for the best if it just stayed in the past. There is no use in telling her, or at least there was no use in telling her until today. I hear heavy footsteps making their way up the hard cement steps, I look around me realising I haven't moved from my previously attained spot. The man that approaches me is tall, about the same height as me, maybe a bit taller. His hair is short, he doesn't have a beard. This must be her boyfriend. I ball my hands into fists, shoving them into my pockets. "Hey." He says politely nodding at me.
"Hi." I say back somewhat nonchalantly. He looks at me curiously, I don't blame him, he must be wondering what I am doing standing outside of his apartment. "Uh- can I help you?" I shake my head no, not really sure of what to say, this is the second time tonight I find myself in this kind of predicament. "Well you are standing right outside the entrance to my condo so-"I take a deep breath in, realising the breath I have been holding in since he announced his presence. "I am- uh- I'm a friend of Abby's." I lie. He looks at me suspiciously, he obviously knows there is more to it then that. "I work with her, I just needed to drop off some chart information." I hope he buys this, he is a surgeon, but he probably does not know exactly how the ER works, so maybe this is believable to him. "Oh." He watches me intently, never in my life have I wanted to be a bouncy ball so much, I could just bounce out of here without a soul knowing. "I am not sure if she has mentioned you before- I have never see you around the ER before when I have been in there. What's your name?" This guy is really proving to be protective of his girlfriend, hell I would be too if I still had Abby. I guess telling him I'm Greg Pratt is out of the question, maybe I will get lucky and he will have never heard my name before. "John Carter." I say all in one breath, spitting out my name, praying to god he has no clue who I am. "Abby's ex boyfriend?" No such luck. His face hardens, he stares at me intently. "The one who broke her heart?" Well she has definitely talked about me.
"You've heard of me." I smirk slightly.
"You bet your ass I have. What are you doing at my place at this time of night?" He takes a step closer towards me, if this guy wants to fight all I have to say is bring it on. "Look man, I just came to drop stuff off and talk to Abby quickly." Well half of that is true, I try to move around him, but he firmly places his hand on my chest. "If you hurt her, I swear to god, I will hunt you down, even if that means flying all the way to Africa, to kick your skinny ass." With that he shoves me back, I quickly regain my balance, walking past him heading for the L. I can only pray that she does not reveal anything about our encounter, it was a momentary thing, an accident one big fucking mistake, that if I could take back I would. I am such a horrible person, it feels like a ton of bricks just hit me, the reality of this hitting me hard. I had a son. I have a little baby and I fucking some other women. Not that I did, but what kind of father am I? What kind of father fucks around with other women, while their fiancee is home nurturing and caring for their child? I wrap my coat tighter around my body, suddenly feeling dirty and guilty, I don't know if I will ever be able to look Kem in the eye again. I will go home to my cold bed alone. I should be alone every night. I don't deserve Kem, I deserve Abby though, because she is just a disgusting if not more, then I am. I walk onto the L, I have to call Kem when I get home, she has probably called at least five times today, I promised her I would call her as soon as my flight got in, but I forgot. I was quite busy with the foundation, this will annoy her. She does not like the division in our life. She calls it the divider line. What makes us different, in simpler terms. I live in the states, I love it here, to some extent at least. This is where I was born and raised, it is hard for me to just uproot. Kem on the other had lives in Africa, well for the meantime, I believe she wants to go back to London, this presents a problem, I want to live here, she wants to live there. We have managed to avoid talking about it, which is putting a strain on our relationship. I wish she would come live here, where I know she and the baby will be safe, but she is having none of that.
I walk off the L train, heading towards the mansion, I have kept it all this time, holding it on for the sake of memories. Memories of Bobby and I playing in the yard, memories of Gamma, memories. I was hoping my children could have similar memories here, but right now it is not looking that way. I open the door to the enormous house. It squeaks a tiny bit, I ignore the sound heading into the kitchen to check the messages. I pick up my phone, listening to a boorish man blab on and on about the foundation. I skip that message and onto the next one. "Hey sweetie." Kem, well maybe I don't want to hear from her right away, I am suddenly feeling very guilty. "I miss you, so does Kassim. It has been lonely here without you, call us back whenever I just want to hear your voice. Love you." I look at the phone sitting on the wall, I reach forward angrily ripping it off, I smash it on to the floor out rage, I can't believe what the hell I did. I am horrible. I am not the John Carter she met in the Congo, I am a different man. A heartless man. One who does not deserve her. I quickly run up the stairs, climbing two at a time, I head for the washroom, leaning on the sink I hang my head, looking at the butterfly stencils that crowd the shiny sink. I slowly look up at my reflection in the mirror, I am no longer the man she knew and loved, I reach for a razor, the sharpest one possible. I pull out the last of the shaving cream, lathering my face. The blades drag on my skin, causing a sting I have not felt for a while. I shave closely, patches of the beard fall into the sink, I do not glance away from my reflection once. I watch as my old "new" self drifts away, hair by hair, I become the person I thought I left here in Chicago, the one who loved Abby Lockhart. The one who was clouded by thoughts of drug addiction, love for an inadequate women, I am not liking the person I have become, or maybe the person I have always been. I lean my face into the sink, dousing cold water over my tingling flesh. I stand up looking at my reflection. I look haggard, ugly, old. So many words to describe me, none of them good. I toss the razor into the sink, the clink it makes against the metal is satisfying. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks, I don't attempt to stop them, why bother, its not going to change what I did. Nothing is. I have wrecked the only good thing I have in my life, for one meaningless kiss, with one meaningless women. I bring my hand up to my newly shaven face, tracing the outline of where my beard once was. I can't fucking take it anymore, I am ashamed of the man I am, the man I have become.
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The slam of the heavy door adds to my fury, she wasn't exactly stopping either, this is not all on me. There were four lips involved in that kiss, four fucking lips. Shit, what the hell have I done? She is like some kind of drug, when I am around her I can't control what I do, how I feel. I just act, and this time I acted by throwing my body at her, during that kiss we felt like one, like this had not changed, accept they have. She is with someone she loves and I am with someone I love. I am glad for her stopping us, if not we could have done something we both regretted, something that could have caused us both emotional pain. Kem would be enraged if she found out I kissed Abby. She doesn't know much about our past relationship as it is, I neglected to tell her, I figured it was for the best if it just stayed in the past. There is no use in telling her, or at least there was no use in telling her until today. I hear heavy footsteps making their way up the hard cement steps, I look around me realising I haven't moved from my previously attained spot. The man that approaches me is tall, about the same height as me, maybe a bit taller. His hair is short, he doesn't have a beard. This must be her boyfriend. I ball my hands into fists, shoving them into my pockets. "Hey." He says politely nodding at me.
"Hi." I say back somewhat nonchalantly. He looks at me curiously, I don't blame him, he must be wondering what I am doing standing outside of his apartment. "Uh- can I help you?" I shake my head no, not really sure of what to say, this is the second time tonight I find myself in this kind of predicament. "Well you are standing right outside the entrance to my condo so-"I take a deep breath in, realising the breath I have been holding in since he announced his presence. "I am- uh- I'm a friend of Abby's." I lie. He looks at me suspiciously, he obviously knows there is more to it then that. "I work with her, I just needed to drop off some chart information." I hope he buys this, he is a surgeon, but he probably does not know exactly how the ER works, so maybe this is believable to him. "Oh." He watches me intently, never in my life have I wanted to be a bouncy ball so much, I could just bounce out of here without a soul knowing. "I am not sure if she has mentioned you before- I have never see you around the ER before when I have been in there. What's your name?" This guy is really proving to be protective of his girlfriend, hell I would be too if I still had Abby. I guess telling him I'm Greg Pratt is out of the question, maybe I will get lucky and he will have never heard my name before. "John Carter." I say all in one breath, spitting out my name, praying to god he has no clue who I am. "Abby's ex boyfriend?" No such luck. His face hardens, he stares at me intently. "The one who broke her heart?" Well she has definitely talked about me.
"You've heard of me." I smirk slightly.
"You bet your ass I have. What are you doing at my place at this time of night?" He takes a step closer towards me, if this guy wants to fight all I have to say is bring it on. "Look man, I just came to drop stuff off and talk to Abby quickly." Well half of that is true, I try to move around him, but he firmly places his hand on my chest. "If you hurt her, I swear to god, I will hunt you down, even if that means flying all the way to Africa, to kick your skinny ass." With that he shoves me back, I quickly regain my balance, walking past him heading for the L. I can only pray that she does not reveal anything about our encounter, it was a momentary thing, an accident one big fucking mistake, that if I could take back I would. I am such a horrible person, it feels like a ton of bricks just hit me, the reality of this hitting me hard. I had a son. I have a little baby and I fucking some other women. Not that I did, but what kind of father am I? What kind of father fucks around with other women, while their fiancee is home nurturing and caring for their child? I wrap my coat tighter around my body, suddenly feeling dirty and guilty, I don't know if I will ever be able to look Kem in the eye again. I will go home to my cold bed alone. I should be alone every night. I don't deserve Kem, I deserve Abby though, because she is just a disgusting if not more, then I am. I walk onto the L, I have to call Kem when I get home, she has probably called at least five times today, I promised her I would call her as soon as my flight got in, but I forgot. I was quite busy with the foundation, this will annoy her. She does not like the division in our life. She calls it the divider line. What makes us different, in simpler terms. I live in the states, I love it here, to some extent at least. This is where I was born and raised, it is hard for me to just uproot. Kem on the other had lives in Africa, well for the meantime, I believe she wants to go back to London, this presents a problem, I want to live here, she wants to live there. We have managed to avoid talking about it, which is putting a strain on our relationship. I wish she would come live here, where I know she and the baby will be safe, but she is having none of that.
I walk off the L train, heading towards the mansion, I have kept it all this time, holding it on for the sake of memories. Memories of Bobby and I playing in the yard, memories of Gamma, memories. I was hoping my children could have similar memories here, but right now it is not looking that way. I open the door to the enormous house. It squeaks a tiny bit, I ignore the sound heading into the kitchen to check the messages. I pick up my phone, listening to a boorish man blab on and on about the foundation. I skip that message and onto the next one. "Hey sweetie." Kem, well maybe I don't want to hear from her right away, I am suddenly feeling very guilty. "I miss you, so does Kassim. It has been lonely here without you, call us back whenever I just want to hear your voice. Love you." I look at the phone sitting on the wall, I reach forward angrily ripping it off, I smash it on to the floor out rage, I can't believe what the hell I did. I am horrible. I am not the John Carter she met in the Congo, I am a different man. A heartless man. One who does not deserve her. I quickly run up the stairs, climbing two at a time, I head for the washroom, leaning on the sink I hang my head, looking at the butterfly stencils that crowd the shiny sink. I slowly look up at my reflection in the mirror, I am no longer the man she knew and loved, I reach for a razor, the sharpest one possible. I pull out the last of the shaving cream, lathering my face. The blades drag on my skin, causing a sting I have not felt for a while. I shave closely, patches of the beard fall into the sink, I do not glance away from my reflection once. I watch as my old "new" self drifts away, hair by hair, I become the person I thought I left here in Chicago, the one who loved Abby Lockhart. The one who was clouded by thoughts of drug addiction, love for an inadequate women, I am not liking the person I have become, or maybe the person I have always been. I lean my face into the sink, dousing cold water over my tingling flesh. I stand up looking at my reflection. I look haggard, ugly, old. So many words to describe me, none of them good. I toss the razor into the sink, the clink it makes against the metal is satisfying. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks, I don't attempt to stop them, why bother, its not going to change what I did. Nothing is. I have wrecked the only good thing I have in my life, for one meaningless kiss, with one meaningless women. I bring my hand up to my newly shaven face, tracing the outline of where my beard once was. I can't fucking take it anymore, I am ashamed of the man I am, the man I have become.