Author's Notes: Okay I will update. Alot. I promsie. We're already on chapter twenty two.... So ya know.. We've gotten pretty far.. I just need to post. Yell at me in your review if you want... LOL Enjoy this chapter and please review!!!!
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The sun pierces through the blinds and I feel my eyes opening reluctantly. I have a shift at noon and I really should get up and clean or something. I don't think I fell asleep until three in the morning. On the couch, nonetheless. I couldn't bring myself to get into bed with Zach. I felt so ashamed of what I had done. A cup of coffee is handed to me, I can't even look him in the eyes. I take it from him, and place it on the sidetable next to me. I curl my feet closer to me so he can sit down on his couch. I see him starring out into space from the corner of my eye.
"What happened last night?"
I shrug my shoulders. Carter left a good couple minutes before Zach came in. I could make something up, lie to him. I probably wouldn't feel too great about myself, but I don't want to hurt him more than I know I can.
"Nothing. Rough shift, that's all."
He looks away for a second, but I can see that my lie didn't work. He wears his emotions and he is defintely angry right now.
"Why do you always have to lie to me?"
I look down at the pillow, playing with the ruffles on the edges. I don't know why I chose to lie to him. Because I made out with my ex boyfriend who I have no feelings for and hate with every fiber of my being. I'm lying to myslef again. I love it when that happens. Not only do I lie to Zach, but I try to make myself believe a lie.
"I'm sorry."
He starts to get up. I watch him get up to the window and open it, playing with the blinds a bit.
"Sorry isn't enough."
I know sorry isn't enough. I've tried using it before, it failed me incredibly. I'm starting to get the feeling that the fates hate me and want me to be alone, forever. I'll agree with it. All that ever happens to me is a broken heart and a bottle of something. It's always been like that. It'll always be like that. It's all Carter's fault. The jackass. It's always his fault. Of course it would help if I stopped blaming him and blamed myself for a change, but I like passing blame. It makes me feel less horrible about the person I am.
"What do you want from me?"
He's been walking around the living room. The whole place he's walked around, picking up pieces of clothes, or folding a blanket. He'll do something productive to pass the pain I know he feels.
"What happened. The truth."
I sigh and he just looks at me. I can't tell him. I can't admit to myself what happened last night. It was a dream. A stupid dream that I dreamt when I fell asleep on the sofa. But the lingering taste on my lips threatens to tell me otherwise.
"Okay. So you need your space. I understand. I took the weekend off, I'm going down to the lake house. When you are ready to talk, give me a call."
I hug the pillow closer to me and I feel the weight suddenly drift off my shoulders. Well at least for the weekend. He kneels down in front of me, forcing me to match gazes with him.
" I'm worried about you, that's all... I love you..."
He kisses me as he gets up. I hear him shuffle his things together in the background. I should tell him. But everything was going so well. My life was finally being puzzled together and now fifteen minutes together with someone I have no feelings for suddenly destroys it all. Carter destroys it all because he's selfish. He's a selfish asshole who doesn't want to think of anyone but himself. He's supposed to get everything he wants. He never will. I pull my body off the couch and walk over to Zach. He's trying to fish the keys to the house out of the bottom of the bowl by the door. I slip my hand into the bowl and take it out for him, dropping it into his hands. His arms goes around me, putting me in a very comfortable position that I've grown used to. Even if there is no emotional bonds, physical ones can be twice as strong. I hold on to him for a moment longer before he pushes me off. I can't read his mind. All I know is that he seems pained by something. Me, as usual, but something more. He closes the door behind him. I should run after him, drag him back in here, and tell him everything. But I don't know how I would explain the kiss. I still can't explain it to myself.
I stand in my spot for a while, trying to formulate a possible explanation. No such luck, I play with the pendant on my neck, pulling it up and down on its chain. Why does everything always go wrong for me? I don't understand it. I didn't ask him to come back, I didn't push him out either. I just, I give up, for right now. I take the cup of coffee from where I had left it and head to the kitchen, watching the black drift into the metal sink. I head towards the refrigerator, a few pictures up on it. One of his parents and him, his friends, his co-workers, some from the golf club, and in dead center, one of us at Haiti this winter. I had to beg Weaver for that week off, but it had been completely worth it. It was amazing. Zach is a complete romantic. I think I realized for the first time when I was with him that I was finally happy for myself. I slam the door, forgetting those good times. Now all I've got in front of me is one big mess and a shift. I wonder when we break up, if Zach will keep that picture, or give it back to me so I can remember what a complete fool I was for losing him.
If there was anything I could do right now make things disappear I would, but that's not the real world. I walk towards the bedroom, looking for something to throw on before I change into scrubs at the hospital. I've given up caring how I look anymore. I mean what's the point, I look like crap after a 36 hour shift. No one's going to care whether my eyeliner is black or brown when they are lying on a gurney in front of me. I find a pair of jeans and a black shirt. I pin up my hair, but of course it never cooperates with me and the bangs don't stay up. That's what bobbypins are for anyway. I look like hell and I don't give a damn. I walk back into the kitchen after my quick change and brew a fresh pot of coffee. Today is going to be one of those never-ending, everything goes wrong days. I wish I didn't have to work. I hope to God right now that he's off.
~*~~*~ Review Responses ~*~
carbylobsterandavrilfan:: I'm posting.. I'm posting.. I need to be reminded a few times until I get into the groove.. LOL Kat was so much better at this then I am... Well so far... LOL
Amanda:: Well thank you... We've gone a bit with it but we're still iffy on where it's gonna go... But it's going good...
Alex:: Are there any other endings besides happy Carby endings???
Tilde8884:: Angst is always good...
~*~
The sun pierces through the blinds and I feel my eyes opening reluctantly. I have a shift at noon and I really should get up and clean or something. I don't think I fell asleep until three in the morning. On the couch, nonetheless. I couldn't bring myself to get into bed with Zach. I felt so ashamed of what I had done. A cup of coffee is handed to me, I can't even look him in the eyes. I take it from him, and place it on the sidetable next to me. I curl my feet closer to me so he can sit down on his couch. I see him starring out into space from the corner of my eye.
"What happened last night?"
I shrug my shoulders. Carter left a good couple minutes before Zach came in. I could make something up, lie to him. I probably wouldn't feel too great about myself, but I don't want to hurt him more than I know I can.
"Nothing. Rough shift, that's all."
He looks away for a second, but I can see that my lie didn't work. He wears his emotions and he is defintely angry right now.
"Why do you always have to lie to me?"
I look down at the pillow, playing with the ruffles on the edges. I don't know why I chose to lie to him. Because I made out with my ex boyfriend who I have no feelings for and hate with every fiber of my being. I'm lying to myslef again. I love it when that happens. Not only do I lie to Zach, but I try to make myself believe a lie.
"I'm sorry."
He starts to get up. I watch him get up to the window and open it, playing with the blinds a bit.
"Sorry isn't enough."
I know sorry isn't enough. I've tried using it before, it failed me incredibly. I'm starting to get the feeling that the fates hate me and want me to be alone, forever. I'll agree with it. All that ever happens to me is a broken heart and a bottle of something. It's always been like that. It'll always be like that. It's all Carter's fault. The jackass. It's always his fault. Of course it would help if I stopped blaming him and blamed myself for a change, but I like passing blame. It makes me feel less horrible about the person I am.
"What do you want from me?"
He's been walking around the living room. The whole place he's walked around, picking up pieces of clothes, or folding a blanket. He'll do something productive to pass the pain I know he feels.
"What happened. The truth."
I sigh and he just looks at me. I can't tell him. I can't admit to myself what happened last night. It was a dream. A stupid dream that I dreamt when I fell asleep on the sofa. But the lingering taste on my lips threatens to tell me otherwise.
"Okay. So you need your space. I understand. I took the weekend off, I'm going down to the lake house. When you are ready to talk, give me a call."
I hug the pillow closer to me and I feel the weight suddenly drift off my shoulders. Well at least for the weekend. He kneels down in front of me, forcing me to match gazes with him.
" I'm worried about you, that's all... I love you..."
He kisses me as he gets up. I hear him shuffle his things together in the background. I should tell him. But everything was going so well. My life was finally being puzzled together and now fifteen minutes together with someone I have no feelings for suddenly destroys it all. Carter destroys it all because he's selfish. He's a selfish asshole who doesn't want to think of anyone but himself. He's supposed to get everything he wants. He never will. I pull my body off the couch and walk over to Zach. He's trying to fish the keys to the house out of the bottom of the bowl by the door. I slip my hand into the bowl and take it out for him, dropping it into his hands. His arms goes around me, putting me in a very comfortable position that I've grown used to. Even if there is no emotional bonds, physical ones can be twice as strong. I hold on to him for a moment longer before he pushes me off. I can't read his mind. All I know is that he seems pained by something. Me, as usual, but something more. He closes the door behind him. I should run after him, drag him back in here, and tell him everything. But I don't know how I would explain the kiss. I still can't explain it to myself.
I stand in my spot for a while, trying to formulate a possible explanation. No such luck, I play with the pendant on my neck, pulling it up and down on its chain. Why does everything always go wrong for me? I don't understand it. I didn't ask him to come back, I didn't push him out either. I just, I give up, for right now. I take the cup of coffee from where I had left it and head to the kitchen, watching the black drift into the metal sink. I head towards the refrigerator, a few pictures up on it. One of his parents and him, his friends, his co-workers, some from the golf club, and in dead center, one of us at Haiti this winter. I had to beg Weaver for that week off, but it had been completely worth it. It was amazing. Zach is a complete romantic. I think I realized for the first time when I was with him that I was finally happy for myself. I slam the door, forgetting those good times. Now all I've got in front of me is one big mess and a shift. I wonder when we break up, if Zach will keep that picture, or give it back to me so I can remember what a complete fool I was for losing him.
If there was anything I could do right now make things disappear I would, but that's not the real world. I walk towards the bedroom, looking for something to throw on before I change into scrubs at the hospital. I've given up caring how I look anymore. I mean what's the point, I look like crap after a 36 hour shift. No one's going to care whether my eyeliner is black or brown when they are lying on a gurney in front of me. I find a pair of jeans and a black shirt. I pin up my hair, but of course it never cooperates with me and the bangs don't stay up. That's what bobbypins are for anyway. I look like hell and I don't give a damn. I walk back into the kitchen after my quick change and brew a fresh pot of coffee. Today is going to be one of those never-ending, everything goes wrong days. I wish I didn't have to work. I hope to God right now that he's off.
~*~~*~ Review Responses ~*~
carbylobsterandavrilfan:: I'm posting.. I'm posting.. I need to be reminded a few times until I get into the groove.. LOL Kat was so much better at this then I am... Well so far... LOL
Amanda:: Well thank you... We've gone a bit with it but we're still iffy on where it's gonna go... But it's going good...
Alex:: Are there any other endings besides happy Carby endings???
Tilde8884:: Angst is always good...